The Twelve Days of Disaster
Disclaimer: There is about zero dollars in my pocket right now. That is also how much of Fullmetal Alchemist I own.
The First Day
Characters: Jean Havoc, Vato Falman
Summary: Hughes asks Havoc and Falman to go and cut down a tree for him so that he could make it into a Christmas tree, but the two men get far more than they bargained for when they realize that during this time of the year, the wilderness is really wild.
A gust of brisk cold air slammed onto Havoc at full blast, pushing him back a few inches. He blocked the wind's path with his gloved hands but his efforts were fruitless. He still suffered the effects of the cold and inevitably shivered.
"T-T-This is-s ridiculous!" Jean shouted, although the clattering of his teeth made his shout hard to take seriously. "It's got to be like, negative fifty degrees!" He moved his hands and wrapped himself in a solo embrace.
"Actually, it's only less than twenty degrees Fahrenheit," Falman said, stopping and looking at the way the trees were pushed by the blast of air. "But the wind's speed lowers the temperature, making it feel as if it's in the negatives. Adding the wind, in reality, it only feels as if the temperature should be in the single digits."
Jean pulled a face and Falman shrugged, "I told you it gets colder in the woods, but you insisted on wearing that thin jacket."
"That's because that giant thing makes me look like a fatass!"
"Does it really matter what you look out here?" Falman asked incredibly.
Havoc nodded defiantly, "This jacket shows off my biceps; it accents my macho-ness. "
"Who could you possibly impress in the woods?"
"That's beside the point," Havoc grunted. "Let's just hurry and get this over with before Hughes chews my ears out."
"It would be much more helpful if you held this," Falman said, gesturing to the large axe that he was struggling to hold with both his hands. "This thing probably weighs more than me…"
"Hell no," Jean huffed, walking past the Warrant Officer and deeper into the woods, the other man following sadly. "I have to cut the damn tree, so the least you could do is hold onto the axe."
Falman wrinkled his nose. "Fine. But you're dragging it back to the car."
Havoc gave a careless shrug, "I don't care. Just be sure to have an excuse made up for Hughes once you explain why it took you so long to get his Christmas tree back because I'm going to take my sweet ass time bringing it down."
"You're a monster…" The gray haired man muttered, kicking a stray rock out of his way.
"If anyone's a monster, it's Hughes!" Havoc burst, waving his hand in emphasis. "I mean, why couldn't he just buy a damn tree like a normal person instead of making us freeze our balls off out here!"
"He wanted an authentic Christmas with everyone and according to him, an authentic Christmas entitled an authentic tree." Falman answered knowingly. "Hey, it was either this or going with Hughes to the Christmas Carnival tomorrow."
Jean shivered, and not just from the cold, "God forbid I go anywhere family related with that man."
Falman nodded in mutual understanding. "Last year was a massacre," He whispered hoarsely. "That poor camera didn't even stand a chance."
Havoc sniffed, "It couldn't handle it, so it just … died."
"…and then he went and bought a new one –"
"Stop! Don't let me relive it…" Jean whimpered. "Let's just go find that damn tree and get this over with."
So the two men walked forward. The temperature dropped slightly as they climbed the hill, in search of the "Perfect" Christmas tree, as Hughes strictly drilled into their heads.
'I want it tall. Okay? As tall as … as Armstrong! You got that? As tall as the Major and as big as … hmm … as big as … Armstrong! Yes, perfect! As tall and as wide as Alex! I want an Armstrong Christmas tree, you got that?'
Havoc's head dropped. They were on the hunt for an Armstrong Christmas tree but in this part of the woods, all they could find was Fullmetal trees. Stupid, tiny, annoying trees that were practically mocking them as they swayed back and forth in glee. Jean glared at the trees and flared his nostrils when one of them started dancing from its roots.
Is that a challenge? Havoc thought as the small tree seemed to be laughing at him as its dying branches shook against each other. Mark my words, you little pipsqueak. Once the weather warms up, I'll be back with an axe and cut you up. Then I'll make you watch as I cut your family and I'll make you all into chairs so you can kiss my ass in the afterlife!
"Havoc!" Falman called.
"Coming!" Jean smiled, waving at the man. He sent the tiny tree one last glare before catching up with Vato.
After trudging further up the hill and deeper in the woods, a hand pressed against his chest stopped Falman from moving any further.
"What –"
"Look!" Havoc yelped.
"Where?"
"There! There!" Havoc pointed. "Right there, in the middle! The most beautiful Armstrong tree, sitting right there, waiting for us."
Falman looked and held back a gasp of surprise and relief. There it was, standing with all the grace a tree could possibly possess, was the most perfect Christmas tree Falman had ever laid eyes upon.
It was so tall, but not too tall, and its branches extended neatly at its sides. It was a luscious green color, and probably the brightest tree in this hill.
"My god … it's magical," Falman breathed. He inched closer to it, wondering of the sparkles that twirled around it were real or just a figment of his imagination.
"Give me the axe. I'm gonna slaughter this baby before anything gets in our way." Havoc smiled, a crazed hunger like sound dripping from his voice. Falman handed him the axe wordlessly and watched with small fear as Jean bashed the tree with the sharp point of the axe over and over and over again until it finally collapsed onto the ground, creating a large thud.
Havoc grinned like a madman while Falman mused out loud, "I wonder. If a tree were to fall onto the ground, and no one was around to hear it … would it make a sound?"
"Who gives a crap!" Havoc shouted against the wind. "We got the tree! Now hand me the rope so we can get out of here before my balls fall off!"
Vato complied and once the tree was tied and secured, they descended down the mountain with Havoc pulling the tree with brute strength.
"I'm so glad it didn't snow," Havoc muttered.
The other nodded, "If it did, then all the food Hughes bribed us with wouldn't have worked."
"Food…" Jean moaned. "Hughes promised me apple pie."
"He promised me chocolate cake."
"I swear, if I don't get my apple pie, I'm shoving this tree right up his – "
A crack like noise was heard and both Jean and Vato froze at the sound of a twig being stepped on. They spun around swiftly at the source of noise and stifled a gasp. There, between the trees, was a small deer.
Jeans eyes widened, "Falman … do you see that?"
He nodded. "It seems to be a fawn. It must have strayed away from its mother."
Havoc's eyes sparkled, "It's so … cute and precious."
"Come on, Havoc. We need to get going."
"No, no! Wait! Lemme just … stare at it some more."
"We're going to be late –"
"Holy shit," Jean suddenly gasped.
"What?"
"It's staring at me."
"Yes, it's been doing that for the past minute," Falman sighed. "Can we just go –"
"No, I mean it's staring into my soul," Havoc said quickly. "I can feel it burning holes into my soul … as if it's calling me." He bent his knees and extended a hand to the animal, "Hey there, little buddy. You lost?" He was using the same voice he used when he talked to little Elysia, and just like the little girl, the baby deer wrinkled its nose at the man.
"Come on, Lieutenant. We need to go, just leave it alone."
"It? It?" Jean asked incredulously. "It has a name, Falman."
"Please tell me you didn't name it."
"It's Suzie."
"Suzie? Oh, for the love of… You seriously need help."
"Come on, Suzie. You wanna come with me, right? You love me, right? Of course you do, everybody loves Jean." He gushed to the fawn. The deer just twitched its ear. Jean extended his arm once more and beckoned with his hand, "Suzie, come to daddy."
Much to Falman's surprise, the deer actually crept closer to the other man.
"That's it, Suzie!" Jean encouraged, now extending both his hands, as if he was planning to hug the animal. "You're almost there; just a little bit more and you'll be happily living with daddy. I'll make you a little pen in my apartment, and we'll go for walks together and eat together and make everybody jealous at how adorable you are and I'll dress you up in cute little…"
Just then, so suddenly that if Falman blinked he would have missed it, a flurry of gray leaped from behind the trees and pounced on the deer. The gray ball of fur and the brown deer tumbled on the ground and when all the movement ended, Falman's jaw touched the ground when he saw a large gray wolf on top of the baby deer, strangling its delicate neck with its vicious teeth.
Jean's eyes widened to the size of plates. "SUZIE! NO!" He bellowed pathetically, slamming his fists to the cold ground. "She was so young!"
An audible crunch was heard, and when he looked up, he paled considerably. The wolf's mouth was now smothered blood and the deer's neck was a blanket of red. Suzie's now gray eyes stared into Havoc's, and the man whimpered.
"Suzie, oh dear God, somebody call an ambulance! Suzie, hang in there! Don't go into the light!" Havoc screamed.
The wolf blinked and bit harder into the fawn's neck, all the blood in its body pouring out from the wound. Havoc was speechless, his face as white as snow.
"Uh … okay … Havoc, I think it's time for us to go…" Falman said shakily, growing uneasy by how the wolf was glaring at the two.
"No…" Havoc muttered. "Not before I avenge Suzie." He slowly stood up and pointed a vicious, trembling finger at the beast. "You monster!"
The wolf licked its lips amusingly. Havoc continued, "Suzie had her whole life ahead of her and you just took it all, you heartless bastard! What do you have to say for yourself?" The large wolf just crunched harder on its prey's neck.
Havoc slowly bent down and picked up a rock that was lying next to him and Falman pulled a face. "You're going to throw a rock at a wolf? Are you insane? If you provoke it, it'll just try and eat us!"
"It's not just any ordinary rock," Havoc said. "It's the Rock of Justice. For killing Suzie, you wolf bastard, I bestow upon thee the Rock of Justice! Now suffer!"
With that, Havoc pulled his arm back and threw the rock straight at the large animal. The rock flew and hit the wolf directly between the eyes, but the animal didn't even flinch. Instead, it just flared its nostrils, dropped the deer from its mouth, and slowly stood up on all four legs. It pulled back its ears and began to growl dangerously.
"Oh, this is just great. Good job, you idiot," Falman grumbled, slowly backing away. "You just made it angry!"
"Huh … I really thought the rock would do the trick." Havoc mused.
The wolf took a step forward and barked.
"Oh my god, we're going to die…" Havoc moaned. "He killed Suzie and now he's going to kill us…"
Just then, the wolf leaped over the dead fawn and ran toward the two men. Both of them yelped and began to run as fast as their legs could take them.
"We're going to die!" Havoc wailed. "Oh god, I'm going to die single!"
"Just shut up and keep running! We might be able to outrun it!"
"That's rich. You think we can outrun that?"
Falman turned and saw the wolf, running at them with all its might, with foam coming out of its mouth. "We're going to die!" He cried. "And it's your entire fault!"
"My fault? Who was the idiot who said we should go deeper into the woods because 'all the good trees are there'?" Havoc shouted.
"Whoa, whoa! Are you really putting the blame on me? Who was the idiot who tried to adopt a freakin' deer! 'Oh no, Sally! Wah, you killed Sally! I'm going to throw a rock at the big scary wolf because, obviously, that's the smart thing to do'."
"Her name was Suzie, you asshole!" Havoc screamed.
"Who cares! We're going to die! And then Hughes is going to kill us again because we didn't bring him his stupid tree!"
Havoc's eyes suddenly widened and he turned quickly. Vato followed him, confused, "Where the hell are you going?"
"The axe! We left the axe with the tree! We could kill the wolf with the axe!" Havoc yelled enthusiastically. Falman swallowed and looked back. Sweat fell from his forehead when he saw that the wolf was still on their tail, and advancing quickly.
"Listen," Havoc huffed suddenly, gasping for air. "You – run … that way – distract … then I come – Bam! – dead!" He pulled a face at himself, 'damn, I'm out of shape…'
"I can't understand you." Falman wheezed out of breath.
"Just run that way!" Jean said quickly and impatiently. "Go!"
With nothing else that he could do, Vato obeyed and turned around. Much to his horror, the wolf began to chase him. The animal was barking hysterically at him and Falman began to weep inwardly.
He ran so hard that his feet began to burn and his lungs began to expand. Sweat fell like a waterfall from his forehead his breaths came out in tiny clouds.
After a while, Falman lost track of time, running for so long it felt like hours have passed that he just started running in circles, the wolf not planning on letting its prey escape.
'Oh god, I'm going to die in the woods by a dog.' Falman thought in horror. 'They're going to find my body covered in blood and they won't be able to identify it since it'll be so mutilated. Everyone's going to make fun of me at my funeral and say I got murdered by a puppy. And that bastard Havoc will get away because he's a bastard and then he'll eat all my chocolate cake.'
Falman frowned. 'I'm definitely haunting his ass."
The growling seemed to be getting louder, and when Vato turned around to see why, he jumped in surprise to see the wolf literally inches away from him.
"Goddammit, Havoc!" He shouted. "Help me!"
As if on cue, Falman watched as Havoc appeared from the crowd of trees, wielding the large axe in both hands.
The blonde man swung, bringing the axe down on the wolf's back. The large canine made a noise similar to a pained keening and it limply fell to the ground.
Falman blinked. He stared at the animal that lay bleeding on the ground and started to laugh, "I-I survived! Ha, ha! I'm alive!"
"You're welcome." Havoc grumbled, pulling the axe off the dead animal.
"And where the hell have you been?" Falman asked after catching his breath.
"I was getting the axe," he answered, as if the answer was obvious, while holding up the axe to show him that yes, he did get the axe.
Falman sniffed suspiciously. "You smell like cigarettes," he accused unbelievably.
The other man shrugged, "It helps relieve stress."
"That's it! This is the LAST time I go ANYWHERE with you!" Falman decided, moving his hands with emphasis.
"Oh, please. You love me." Jean scoffed. "Now, since I was the brave hero in this story, and I saved your life, I have decided that you will be the lucky one and carry the tree back."
Falman grimaced. "...fine. But this is still all your fault. Making friends with a deer...idiot."
"Hey! What Suzie and I had was special! She understood me!"
Falman grumbled, "yeah, yeah, whatever." He looked at the dead animal that lay bleeding by his feet. "Are you sure it's dead?"
"Of course it's dead. No one can survive a swing like that; I have the arm of a God!"
The warrant officer rolled his eyes.
Havoc crouched down at eye level with the limp animal and poked at its nose, "How do you like that, you little jerk. That's what happens to idiots who kill something that Jean Havoc loves! Haha! Burn in wolf hell!"
Havoc gave one last jibe at its nose and the animal's ears suddenly twitched. Both Havoc and Falman shrieked wildly and scramble away. Jean pulled out his gun from his pocket and fired all the rounds it had at the wolf. Its body shook when each bullet penetrated it's body and it's gray fur was now coated in red.
Havoc breathed heavily and then flinched with Falman's voice erupted, "YOU HAD A GUN WITH YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!"
Havoc looked at his hand weapon and said stupidly, "Huh...must have forgotten that I brought it with me..."
Falman made a noise similar to choking, "This whole time ... While you made a freakin wolf chase me – for God knows how long – so you can get an axe AND ALL THIS TIME YOU COULD HAVE JUST SHOT THE DAMN THING!"
"Relax, man..." Havoc said uneasily. This was the first time he's ever seen Falman react to something this strongly, and it was pretty scary. "We're okay, see. We're all good."
"No, we are not 'all good', Havoc. We're not! Running around in this freezing place, being chased by one of the deadliest carnivores in the world is NOT okay!"
Falman suddenly fell to his knees and whimpered, "Hughes probably ate all the chocolate cake by now."
Havoc looked at his feet and then shyly said, "If you're that hungry ... We can always make a fire and cook the wolf. I heard they taste like chicken."
Falman glared at the other man so heatedly that Jean began to sweat. "That's it! I'm done!" he picked himself up and began marching away.
"Whoa, hey! Where are you going? We need to get the tree!" Havoc called after him.
"You get the tree," Falman said. "I'm going home."
With that, Falman walked away, with Havoc staring at him.
The blonde man frowned. "Fine," he said to no one in particular. "I don't need him. I'll bring the tree and take all the credit. Then I'll get my sweet, delicious pie. Screw that idiot; it's his entire fault Suzie died in the first place…"
Little did Havoc know, Falman had taken the car they arrived with; his only means of transportation.
Hours later, somebody loudly knocked on The Hughes' front door and Maes answered it.
"Havoc! Oh ... Wow, you don't look so good." Maes greeted awkwardly.
Jean – sweaty, dirty, and caked with dirt and mud – glared at Hughes. "Here's your tree," he grumbled, dropping the rope that was tied around the tree.
The older man took one look at the tree and gushed like a schoolgirl, "My tree! It's perfect! I can't wait to get it up! Oh, Havoc, thank you so much! I can't wait to take pictures of it when it's decorated and all pretty!"
Havoc grumbled something inaudible and moved to get inside the apartment room, but Hughes stopped him and clicked his tongue a few times. "Nope, you are not coming into my home like that! You'll get dirt everywhere!" He eyed the blonde suspiciously, "How did you manage to get that dirty, anyway?"
Havoc gave one disbelieving look and erupted, "Well MAYBE if I had a CAR, I wouldn't have had to carry a freakin' tree ALL THE WAY DOWN A HILL AND ACROSS CENTRAL! But NO, because SOMEONE decided to throw a tantrum and LEAVE me in the freakin' woods! ALONE AND COLD."
Maes eyed him carefully and then said, "So, you want a car for Christmas?"
Jean threw up his hands, as if surrendering, "Never mind! I'm just tired, but I'm glad to be here – where it's warm. Now I can finally get a piece of that apple pie you promised me."
But his smile slipped from his face when he saw Hughes' facial expression change into something painful.
"What?" Havoc asked, panic lacing his voice.
"Well ... Uh ... Don't get mad but ... you see… " Hughes stalled lamely.
"What?" Jean repeated, more harshly then he intended.
Hughes held his hands up defensively and answered quickly, "There was only one piece left and he came here first and he said that you don't mind if he took the last one and he said that you don't even like apple pie and – "
"WHO!" Havoc demanded, grabbing the older man's shoulders.
Hughes smiled sheepishly and pointed behind him. Havoc looked.
In the room across, a rotating chair spun around with Falman in it, a plate filled with crumbs in one hand and a fork with a small piece of pie in the other. Falman smirked and popped the fork into his mouth and said, "Good Evening, Lieutenant Havoc."
The blonde's jaw touched the ground and Falman smirked triumphantly. He stood up and swallowed the dessert, "Oh my, Jean. You don't look so good. You look as if you've been chased around a whole forest by a wolf. I do hope you're okay. Here, have an apple pie. Oh, silly me. I ATE THE LAST ONE."
Havoc made an undefinable noise that sounded like he had been kicked in the kidney and threw up his hands in agony.
Falman laughed at the man's despair and sat back down, "Ah, this is going to be a great Christmas."
((UNEDITED))
((Expect a chapter everyday until Christmas! Please review, because I really want to know if I did well on this chapter!))
NEXT CHAPTER: Characters: Alphonse Elric, Kain Fuery
