This is a reupload of this story.
It is in the village but it is not canon, you can say it is sort of an AU. Pure angst and drama. A lot of OOC.
Enjoy and review if you want ^^
oO0Oo oO0Oo
Iruka's POV
I am sitting in my place at the mission desk, recording mission reports and reviewing
them. The evening is rather slow and everybody is finishing the few they had to do, some of them are chatting in between work. I am sitting in my uncomfortable chair when I sense somebody too close to me.
"Why you don't want to be my boyfriend Iruka?" I feel the brush of lips against the shell of my ear; the action sends a pleasant shiver through my body.
"I...I'm sorry Raidou it's just..." I say stuttering a little, trying hopefully not to be so obvious to the others. They are ninjas they see everything and they love their gossip. Why I'm so sensitive, I only can image if him do that to me…don't go there Iruka breathe and focus.
"I'm not Kakashi," he says with a sigh. It's not the first time he has ask me this but he keeps trying. I want to return his feelings but I just can't. He is wonderful and caring but he is not him.
I sigh, defeated, and move my head side to side because I know it is the truth. He got all my love, my attention, and care, he is the owner of my all.
"Why you don't ask him out?" He embraces me and gives me a kiss on the lips. At this point I don't care if somebody is watching. They can say what wherever they want; I'm not that important.
"I'm just pathetic," I say looking at the floor sulking but snuggling in his arms. He is so warm and I need love.
The truth is that I actually did that one time, and Kakashi said 'I'm flattered Iruka-sensei but I can't accept those feelings." Everything was just awkward between us after that.
I don't know why I can't forget about that man. He must hate me really bad, because he doesn't stop in bothers me every time he sees me. I'm really nothing to his eyes, I am just a simple paper pusher, and he loves to make fun of me.
Why he doesn't love me?
Raidou begins kissing my neck and I enjoy the attention but I realize that this is wrong. I love other men and it's not fair for Raidou if he is kissing me and I'm thinking of Kakashi. Plus we are in work!.
"I'm sorry Raidou I can't."
He releases and gives me a quick kiss, saying "good bye" because his shift is over. I scan the room and nobody is watching. I knew it, I'm not that important, I just a low chuunin.
"Kashi..." I say in between moans.
I hate waking up saying his name and being rock hard. It's just depressing; I'm an adult for crying out loud! What's wrong with me? I've got a successful career and I'm respected for the most part by people. I work with the Hokage. Why do I feel so miserable when I see him? Why every time I think of him, I feel like nothing?
"Iruka sensei!, do you want to go eat ramen with me? Your treat of course" I hear the loud voice of Naruto. He is always so loud and excited, happy. That is what I need the most, to be happy with the man I love.
"Naruto, what a nice surprise! When did you return from your mission?"
He always makes me feel a little better about myself; he really loves me for who I am.
"A minute ago. Ramen then?" He doesn't change. I pat his head and he hugs me with all of his strength; he is really strong now.
"Of course, ramen it is." I smile even though I just a little, I don't feel like being happy right now, but for him I will do anything, he is like my family and I know I am like his.
"Yes! You are the best, Iruka sensei!" in that instant he looks up at me and sees through my faked smile. "Huh? Why are you so sad?" Crap!, he has discovered. He is so dense that I believed he would not see.
"He…I 'm not sad. Why do you say that?" I just blush so easy. Why? Why?
"It is the truth. You seem pale too," I hear from the only person I don't want to see right now.
"Nh..Kakashi-sensei I didn't see you standing there, sorry. How was your mission?" Double crap now there are two.
"Fine, but are you feeling alright?" His warm and dangerous hand begins touching my face. Please don't touch me please you don't know what you do to me.
"Iruka-sensei, are you feeling alright?" asks Naruto, looking at me suspiciously.
"I think we should take him to the hospital," comments Kakashi to Naruto, looking me in the eyes.
"Oh it is not necessary. I'm fine, really." I laugh a little to cover my anxiety; I need to be alone right now, because if I stay here more time I'm going to do something really stupid. "Naruto I need to take care of something before we eat. I'll meet you in Hichiraku's."
"Yay! Yes, meet you there!" He is easy to deceive, but the other is not. But why do I bother with him? He doesn't care about me; I'm nothing to him.
"Well I got to go. It is nice to see you two in home again," I say, trying to appear inconspicuous.
"Bye Iruka-sensei, we'll see each other later," Naruto tells me.
"Bye Iruka-sensei," says Kakashi looking me in the eyes again with an expression that says 'I don't trust you, liar.'
But I don't care, because I need to be far away from him. He has hurt me like nobody can. I run faster in a direction, I didn't even care.
I stop in front of the memorial stone, panting and beginning to feel like the earth is trying to swallow me. I can't live this way anymore. He doesn't care for me; he doesn't love me, but why? What can I do to win his love? I'm useless, I don't know him, I don't know how to do it.
I start crying.
But then I choke a sob because I don't want anybody to see me this way.
I sniff when I feel somebody approaching; I clean my eyes with the back of my hand and calm my breathing a little.
"What's wrong Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi! Why on earth him? Why? Why can't I have a moment of peace? Why won't my ghost stop hunting me? Why?
"I'm fine," I manage to say with my voice slightly cracking in the end.
"You are not fine, and you know that."
"I ...know." I crack and start to cry like there's no tomorrow, falling on my knees.
He leans close to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I know it is because of me, right?"
You arrogant bastard! How can you say that with so much calm? I'm dying here! Why can't you see? I move my head in a signal of 'no.' I know it's a lie and he can see past me but I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want his pity.
He embraces me and I feel like dying because it is what I need right now. But I know this is not going to last forever and that breaks me more. I'm sobbing in his arms like a small child.
I choke one "I love you" but he doesn't move an inch. I expected him to push me away. But he doesn't do anything. Nothing.
That makes me nervous because I don't know what to expect. A lightning bolt or something? I don't want to expect something, because if I expect I can be let down. I don't want to feel more down than I am. Please just let me alone if you don't love me.
He lets go of me, after what feels like's an eternity, but he doesn't leave. He pets my head and kisses my ear.
"You are an amazing person Iruka, don't let somebody like me do you so much damage."
"I know, but I can't do that…..I love.. you so much… it.. hurts."
"I'm sorry Iruka. Come, I'll accompany you with Naruto." He takes my hand and helps me stand up from the dirt. I bow my head and begin to walk with him.
Our hands are intertwined but I don't permit myself to believe this is something, because it is nothing in his eyes; just a gesture of amiability and nothing more.
I feel tears beginning to prick in my eyes, but I wipe them angrily with my hand. I lift my head to the sky and sigh, thinking this is the closest I going to be with the man of my dreams; because I'm sure he is the man of my life, but he doesn't want to be.
"Are you feeling better?" he asks with a note of concern in his voice that I try to ignore, but I catch it anyway and it eases my wound.
"No, but thank you. You're nice." I see his eye making the inverted U and his smile, his fake smile.
"I'm sorry." I'm feeling shame for everything, the crying and all in front of this strong jounin. That must be a reason because he doesn't love me, because I'm so weak.
"Don't be, it's my fault," he answers with his eye looking at me with a different expression ; so different I have never seen that expression in his eye. It is something like caring or ….
"That's not truth," I say shaking my head. I'm beginning to see things that don't exist.
We keep walking in silence. I can feel the people looking at us, because it is strange see two ninjas walking hand in hand in the middle of the day. I'm pathetic I know, but somehow it feels a little better because he is with me now.
We arrive at the ramen stand and Naruto is there of course. Kakashi lets go of my hand and I feel empty and cold. I turn my head and with a smile full of hope. I invite him to eat with us, but he refuses, saying he has other things to do. I fight the tears in my eyes and nod to him.
"I know, there are better and more important thing to do. Good bye Kakashi-sensei."
"Bye Iruka, see you around…..and…. " No please I don't want to see you around, it hurts too much.
I move from my spot and enter the shop to eat with my favorite former student. Life is just unfair.
Wait a moment he just call me just Iruka? No, I must be dreaming.
oO0Oo oO0Oo
In the Hokage office
"Kakashi, what did I tell you?"
"I'm sorry Hokage-sama it's just that it hurt to see him so sad."
"But it is the best for the two of you."
"I know…but….why don't you…?"
"You know why."
"Yes Hokage-sama, I know."
Continue...
