Hello. This is a two-shot most likely. It involves serious-ish type stuff. This isn't primarily a 'Deztin' fic but it is very much a big part so I guess you can say so.
Austin likes the D in this basically. The summary explains blah blah blah.
*DISCLAIMER* nope don't own Austin & Ally nor is Austin actually gay...same goes for Dez!
Enjoy!
xXx
Girls.
Girl skin. Girl parts. Girl bodies. Girl everything.
Boys.
Boy skin. Boy parts. Boy bodies.
Boy everything.
xXx
Austin wouldn't call himself a smart person. He's done a lot of stupid things during his years, and his stupidity doesn't tend to stop.
But he would call himself a yearner of a sort. He yearns to learn new things and soak up all the exhilarating experiences that one possibly can.
He loves freedom and is fond of watching sunsets while having sand and salty sea air in his hair. He yearns to be free.
But he oh so passionately yearns for one thing only.
To be happy.
Austin is also a very curious one. Considering how many times a day/week/month/year that he asks himself that question.
'Am I happy?'
He didn't like that question. In fact, the question drives him so blindingly insane that he pounds his head against a wall and pours himself another shot of tequila to forget.
Maybe Austin isn't happy.
xXx
It was a Sunday.
A Sunday where he spent his sunset at the beach. His happy place. But here, out of all places, he asked himself that question.
Was he happy?
He was happy, of course, he was in one of his happiest places.
However, with the cool sand in between his toes, and the soothing sounds of the rising tide, he felt an emptiness. Peculiar.
He pushes it aside and holds on tighter to the sweaty hand that is intertwined with his.
Girl skin.
xXx
She tells him how she feels. She expresses every emotion and every sensation that he ignites in her body toward him.
It was late at night and he was lying in bed with said sensational girl.
Girl body next to boy body.
Perfect detail was a killer for Austin. She grabbed his hands and poured her heart out to him. Lying his hand on her stomach, she'd say, 'this'.
That 'this' was what he does. It was the things he does that brings her, and he quotes, 'a feeling as if as if I am bathing in the warmth of the sun, surrounded by all of my pleasures with the one and only, you'.
He covers his frown. He covers the tears that threaten to leak from his doe eyes, and wishes.
He wishes with all his might and to all gods that one day, just one day he'll be able to feel those feelings toward her too.
xXx
He loves her.
He tells her he loves her when they're outside, sitting on his balcony watching the sunset. It was quite an odd night because both had agreed not to go to the beach.
She turns to him, so so happy. Her eyes were glassy and wide, and her smile shined brighter than the sinking sun.
If she's happy, I'm happy, he'd tell himself.
But is he truly happy when she is naked in front of him, clawing at his clothes and sucking at his neck?
Girl skin to boy skin.
He's touching girl body. He's touching girl parts.
Something feels like it's missing. Peculiar.
xXx
Poor vulnerable Austin.
When girl body wasn't near, he'd stare at his reflection. Scream.
'You're weak', he'd yell at himself.
'You are fucked in the head!'
'You're all WRONG!'
He was disgusting. His mother would burn all of his childhood action figures, shove them up his ass, and proceed to bath him in holy water with a priest watching over if she knew the gross, and disgusting thoughts that bounced around his mind.
He was weak. He lacked on his self control. He can't make the thoughts stop. He yearns to fix it. However, he also yearns to be happy.
So, from then on, he decides that he's going to be happy no matter how fucked in the head he really was.
xXx
It smells like cigarettes and sweat and he's surrounded by creepy men, but he's happy here.
This is what he yearns for.
Boy skin. Boy bodies. Boy parts. Boy everything.
xXx
He was 6.
Young, dumb, and incredibly energetic.
His mother would take him to his favorite park every day at 3, once he got out of preschool.
It was part of his everyday routine. Go to park, play on the playground, let mommy push him on the swings, and observe all the people who crowded around the little lake, picnicking.
On special days, mom would pack a lunch and a blanket. They'd sit beside the water and feed bread to the birds. Sometimes even with Luna.
Luna was his park buddy that he had grown so accustomed to. Although, he didn't know much about Luna, mom did.
She'd talk to her daddy as Austin and Luna played away, exploring the wonders and imagination that a five-year-old brain could contain.
Austin wondered why Luna didn't have a mommy. But then again, Austin wonders himself why he doesn't have a daddy.
But today was the day he'd find out. Well, at least about Luna. He sat next to the little bird he named Alex, with Luna, feeding him nibbles of bread.
Mommy was talking to Luna's daddy again.
Austin was observing his mom lost in conversation, when he saw another man come into his view.
The man walked up to Luna's daddy and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
Austin was turned away to see his mother's face of disgust once the other man appeared with Luna's daddy.
He heard mommy say something he wasn't quite sure of. He remembered it to be a no-no word. Although, he was never allowed to say those.
Suddenly his mother came rushing toward him picking him up and scooping the blanket along with him.
He was scared. He didn't know why mommy was doing this. All he wanted to go back to Luna, but was strapped into his car seat before he knew it.
"Austin, dear," Mimi spoke softly and made eye contact with her son through her rear view mirror, "when you get older, you're going to grow up to be a strong handsome boy and you're going to find yourself a pretty lady."
"Really?" Mimi nodded in response.
"A princess, mommy?"
"Yes, Austin, a pretty princess, no other. No prince, king, nor knight."
Austin toyed with his batman action figure in his hands. "Princess..." He sighed contently.
xXx
His happy place is changing.
He's happy in the allies behind the bars, where he gets to spread his ass to all the boy parts he wants. He realizes he is happy there because he's free. Of the hate. Of the girl parts. Of the world.
xXx
He'd come home to a terrified fragile girl, almost every night.
'Where were you?!'
Girl would scream. Girl can't know. That's bad for girl mind.
Lies, lies, lies, it was all lies. He'd feed her bullshit and lame ass excuses, but he cared. He cared for her well being and he cared for her happiness.
In forgiveness and to dissolve her suspicions, he pleasures girl. She feels those sensations that she tells him about oh-so often.
But he doesn't. He feels nothing.
He now wishes for her happiness, but not her happiness with him.
xXx
He's a guy.
He's just one of the guys.
Redhead makes him feel that way.
One moment they're sitting on the couch playing Xbox, the next, they're still on said couch but both would be moaning and groaning with need of a hard dick up their ass.
Austin was a 'bro' a 'man' a 'dude', never 'boyfriend', never 'client'.
(Or never side ho)
Maybe he can be more than client someday.
(Redhead's main ho)
xXx
He's starting to look in the mirror and feel good.
"Acceptance, bro, is the key to life." Redhead always had great advice to give him.
"You need to learn to accept yourself in order to give."
Whatever Dez meant by that (that's right, they were on real first name basis now), Austin locked it up and kept it hidden forever. Once in a while he'd think of it, and in those whiles he would feel better about himself.
xXx
Dez was accepting of Austin's situation. He was once in the same. He tells Austin he needs to tell her. The girl.
On the outside, Austin waves his hand and acts like it doesn't affect him at all, but on the inside he is sad, sad, sad, silently crying because of all the damage he has done on this poor, innocent, kind-hearted girl.
Crying because of what he is, he can't make her happy.
The day he really comes to terms is the day Dez tells him he would stop fucking him until he told her. Honestly, he didn't really decide he has to do it because of Dez, it was more of a nudge of motivation.
But the day came unexpectedly.
They'd planned on a Friday, Austin would drop the bomb on her poor soul, flowers, hugs, and explanations would all be shared.
But Austin's plan never even fell through.
It was a Tuesday. The sky was cloudy and the vision of the murky, watery sky was clear through their penthouse apartment.
He'd been sitting in their seating area, coffee in hand, staring. Staring at the nothing that was the crying sky.
Suddenly he is taken back from his crying sky daze, because she had planted herself on his lap, firmly.
He clutched his coffee cup in his hand, hard.
She bestowed light feathered kisses onto his neck, hands roaming on his body freely.
Something was missing, but this time he knew.
He knew he was missing the light stubble that was usually being scraped against his neck, while he was being pleasured so hotly that it should be a sin.
Well, It is a sin, according to his mother.
He set his coffee on the side table beside him. He braced his hands on girl's chest, nudging her lightly.
"What's wrong, babe?" Her voice was hushed.
"A-Ally I'm sorry I'm just really not feeling it righ-"
She sprung up from his lap abruptly, "BULLSHIT AUSTIN!" She screamed in frustration.
He stood up facing her, "No, Ally, calm down."
"Calm down," she threw her hands up in defeat already looking like she was about to cry, "Austin you've been feeding me shit excuses for the past month, so tell me everything right now, what the fuck is going on with you."
Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was trying to steady her breathing.
Austin hung his head low, scared, terrified even. He did not want this to happen, nor did he ever intend on it happening.
"Where do I start..." He trailed off.
Scoffing, she spoke sternly, "is that a question Austin?! Because I'm pretty damn sure I haven't been the one who was leaving the house every damn night."
"Alright," he sighed.
"I just want you to know," he continued, "that I love you and care for you so much, and after I tell you this I do expect for you to hate me, so much Ally, you don't even know. But what I know is that I never want to lose you, because you are one of the most amazing human beings on this planet."
She was already crying, subtly looking away and wiping her tears, trying to hide her sadness.
"Go on." She flatly stated.
"When I first met you, I was a sucker for love. I wanted everything between sappy cliché kisses in the rain, and hot sex on stormy nights, but something, every single damn time one of those moments happened, felt like it was missing. I felt like I was missing just something. As I got older, I ignored the thoughts and every single damn day of my existence I asked myself the same question," he was full on fucking crying now, "Am I happy? I would ask my self that question over and over ally, and I would lie to my own face and push it away. The truth is Ally, I–I–," he lets out a choked sob because he knows this is the first time he has said it out loud, "I wasn't happy."
He paused to wipe his sore eyes and take a breath. She stared at him intently, terrified of his reasoning, unsure if comforting him was the best idea.
"I realized it wasn't you Ally. It was all my own fucked up mind," He took her hands, "Ally you have one of the best personalities I've ever had the pleasure to accustom myself to, and making you smile and seeing your gorgeous face was amazing. It's not what is inside of you, it's– it's the outside."
Ally let out a choked sob, "A–Austin don't you dare."
"I have to Ally! I'm sososo fucking sorry for everything I have done to you. Im a piece of complete shit for leading you on this long…"
She placed both of her hands on her face to cover both her nose and mouth in an attempt to muffle her sobs.
He froze unable to say the two words they both dreaded most. They stood there in silence, their red stained eyes never unlocking.
He took a shaky breath and watched her clutch hands harder onto her face and shake her head from side to side slowly, unbelievingly.
He took a deep breath and averted his gaze from her, focusing his attention to the floor, "…I'm gay, Ally."
She fucking lost it. She collapsed onto the ground in a heap, landing with a loud thud, mixing in with her sobs.
Austin was scared to touch her, but both of their heaving sobbing bodies, accumulated in the air like a concert of complete udder brokenness.
She lifted her hair to face him, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
He immediately sat beside her rubbing her back soothingly. "Ally," he cried, "I'm so so sorry."
"Six years Austin," she muttered, "six years you have led me on. I was, and still am in love with a person who feels none of those feelings toward me…"
Her voice was full of disbelief as if this was all a bad bad dream.
Austin felt beyond horrible. He hated himself.
Ally abruptly stood up.
"Get out."
He looked at her red tinted face and puffy eyes, nervously.
"Are you deaf Moon!? Get the fuck out of my house. Go to where ever your ass has been all these nights. All these nights you have left me alone," she sniffed loudly and wiped at her eyes, "worried sick, and crying on the phone to my best friend who lives in a completely different state. So leave, it won't be any different than that."
With that, he left, wordlessly, trying to muffle out the noises of her sobs when he shut the door behind him.
He deserved this. He deserved everything she would do to him. Every nasty thing she could say. She could call him a faggot, a queer, anything, and he would accept it. He deserved much, much worse.
xXx
So there you have it. Review? Comments? Complaints of disgust? Please share :)
