Lost

Chapter One

Zebraboymom

Disclaimer: They do not belong to me. Cruddy buttons!

Author Notes: An angst piece about what happens when Steve looses Catherine. The whole team tries to help him, but ultimately it is Kono who helps him heal.

The funeral was on Saturday. Kono, Danny and Chin walked slowly up to the graveside and stood across the casket from Steve who was beside Catherine's mother. He had sunglasses in place, so it was hard to get a read on him. He stood ramrod straight. When they handed her mother the flag from the casket, he placed his hand lightly on her shoulder and squeezed. He knew the woman needed his strength. Kono watched him carefully. Who would lend strength to Steve? She wished she could stand on his other side and hold his hand. He raised his head as the rifles shot their salute. She never took her eyes off of him. Was he looking back at her? She couldn't tell with those damn sunglasses in place. She tried to silently communicate strength and support to him. When it was over, Steve helped Catherine's mother to her car and spoke to her for some time before he walked back to where the others waited for him.

"Uh…thanks for coming guys. I'm going to take a couple of days, so in the mean time Danny, you are in charge."

"You want to go get a beer man?"

No, but thanks again for coming. I…I'll see you soon. He shook hands with both men and then took Kono into a soft hug. She stroked her hands up and down his back trying to offer him some comfort. He leaned into her for a second and then pulled away. The three friends watched as he headed back to the grave. They left, but Kono couldn't help but turn back one last time to see him standing and staring at the coffin as they prepared to lower it into the ground. Part of her was jealous that a woman could capture Steve McGarrett's heart in such a way. She knew she had deep feelings for Steve, but didn't know how to express them. She longed to be loved so completely by a man. That man was Steve. He was everything she wanted. Could he ever love her? Would he ever recover from losing Catherine? She wished she knew. She dropped her head and a tear dropped into her lap for the man she loved. If she could, she would take away his pain.

It had been 6 days. Steve had been AWOL for six long days. Danny had gone to his house every day and pounded on the door demanding to be let in. He had finally broken in on the sixth day to find the place empty with beer cans and take out boxes scattered everywhere. Chin had tried tracking his cell, but nothing. It was turned off. The governor was getting more upset every day. She wanted them back to work on the case that had cost Catherine her life. She wanted to know how Steve could be so irresponsible. She was threatening to suspend him if he wasn't back on the case by tomorrow.

Kono left work early. She had an idea of his whereabouts, but she didn't want to tell the rest of the team in an effort to protect Steve. She thought about the last few weeks and how Catherine had been killed bringing Steve files that could ultimately bring down an illegal arms deal. The intel would probably lead them to capturing the guys if Steve would just come back to work and set up the operation. She had to do something to bring him back to reality before it was too late.

She made her way down to the beach later that night. She knew the camp well. Lots of surfers hung out there. She herself had spent some time there with an ex-boyfriend. She recognized his jeep parked near the edge of camp next to a shack she had shown him when they would surf. She had used it when she was on the circuit because it allowed her to get into the surf every morning first thing. She had kept it and would take Steve there when they surfed. They often sat there having a beer after surfing until their muscles ached. They had some great talks here. She just hoped he would open up to her tonight. Kono pushed aside the drape she kept over the opening and looked down on the bed where she could see him sleeping. The smell of alcohol was strong and she knew he had probably passed out drunk. She moved to stand over him. He was restless, probably having a bad dream. Kono went to lightly shake him when one hand closed around her throat and the other around her waist. He flipped her over him onto the bed and was immediately straddling her wrapping both hands around her throat. Kono tried to fight him off. She flailed and fought as hard as she could, but he was too strong. She could feel herself starting to black out when Steve suddenly let go.

"Kono?"

She tried to speak, but couldn't. Her throat hurt too badly.

"Oh, God, Kono. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?'

She sat up and held her throat. It was hard to squeak out, but she managed finally.

"I forgot. It's not a good idea to wake up a Seal without announcing yourself."

Steve reached out gently and ran his thumb along her throat. Kono winced and Steve dropped his hand into his lap.

"You shouldn't have come here Kono."

"You've been gone for 6 days Steve. You told the governor you only needed a couple of days. Everybody is worried about you, especially me. The governor wants to move on the arms dealer before it's too late. You need to pull yourself together."

"I can't do it Kono. I just feel sick. I can't get the image out of my mind. What they did to her makes me sick. What I did to her. I should never have asked her to get involved. Now I'll never get to tell her…"

"You loved her." It was a statement.

"That's just it. I…I can't get past the guilt."

"Steve. She knew the dangers."

"Yeah, but she did it for me."

"She loved you."

His voice was a whisper.

"I didn't love her."

"What?"

He was silent.

"Talk to me Steve."

"I didn't love her."

It suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks. This was all because Catherine loved him enough to risk her life for him. She ultimately lost it for him and he didn't love her. It explained why he didn't want to rush to make things right. Why he didn't want to get the men who did this to her. He blamed himself more.