Bella's haven
I have started to write because there is so much that is wrong with me and I hope to figure it out by the end of this lifetime. Why is it that all the men that surround me this affect that I just want somebody, anybody with me to please me, love me and understand me? From the beginning of my life, it is love that I have craved and yet when it came to my door and even banged, I couldn't say yes because something felt wrong. A man opens his heart to me and yet I could not be enough. He is the only person who knows me and my quirks and never judges me while understanding me side by side. He was the one that I had absolutely coveted in my childhood and when adulthood arose he became the one that had to pursue me. I treated him negatively yet he continued not to take offence. He is short and dark with rough features which give him a rugged look. His eyes are boring and plain and their sparkle of adventure is dim which once upon a time used to rule them. I haven't seen him in the past few months.
That was one of the many men I have spent time with and fawned over.
The man I am currently indulging in is a fair fellow with a bright mind who continues to elude me. He has never even looked in my direction as our social status does not match. He represents all that I am not and can never be. While, I have not lost myself into him, my interest has also been immersed in the other options that are present before me. All of them have their own unique aura and fascinate me in different ways. Whenever I am in a pensive mood, I tend to reflect upon myself and always the same question arises inside my brain-"Is this forcing my heart to learn everything about a person, who would never want anything to do with me normal?" Or am I going into the dark recesses of hell where all deeds are going to be rewarded by the devil waiting for me?
That was one of my obsessions. The other and the more destructive one is my over-extensive love for romantic stories. So much so, that I have broken my dream in pursuit of pleasuring myself with this luxury. How am I supposed to give up? It has now become the life of my meaningless soul keeping it alive when my heart has closed its doors to any and every one. Is it immoral to lie because nobody understands or tries to understand?
I know it is. But the knots in my stomach indicate that this turmoil will never be easily resolved. And I feel as if I am doomed. I have so many different identities that even I am unaware of what some of them are. I belong nowhere. Wherever I go, disappointment and destruction chase my path and track me until they have fed completely on my happiness and all I can feel is anguish and despair.
My dreams are inconsistent. They are tired because I am exhausted. They are misguided as I do not have the strength to correct them. Since when did I become so weak that all I see around myself is failure. All I can perceive to be is a normal person which is the farthest thing that I ever desired.
It is not only insecurity that is the aberration in my life but I have lost hope. My spirit feels as if it has been defeated. Life has never been easy but the years have taken their toll on my brain.
I had thought that leaving and starting anew would give me a sense of satisfaction, of achievement and of belongingness that I sought but the atmosphere is cloudier than it was before.
I hope that this entry is the starting of something new that fulfills me in a way that I can renew my broken faith and endure because life is too short and all the questions will be answered only by time.
So, I will struggle to get what I want even though I have no idea what I am searching for.
