A/N: I literally got into this show yesterday. I've watched several episodes on YouTube and it ate up my entire weekend, but I am a juvenile in this fandom. So if it's not up to standards, I apologize.
I heard about the "everyone is dead" theory before I started watching (courtesy of a recent Cracked article), and I really let it color my experience in watching the show. Honestly, I don't know if I ever would have liked this show that much if it weren't for the theory – I found the humor and the concept a little lackluster. But don't get me wrong. I LOVE the characters, and the theory really puts an emphasis on the characters.
And it's fanfic fuel. Has that going for it, too.
So, I hope you enjoy this. Please R&R!
April 1990
The universal remote was a relic from his childhood therapy sessions. "When you hold it, you'll see that you have choices," Dr. Johnson had told him. "You can choose to keep watching monster movies on Channel 3, or you can go to Channel 1 and watch Lassie, or Candid Camera on Channel 4. You can even choose to press that red button and turn the television off completely. You're not powerless, Ed. You can control your desires."
And that was forty years ago. Now, Ed not only had control over the television, but the radio, the lights, the ceiling fan, and the garage door. Granted, he rarely used the remote. And it was plastic wrapped and stored inside a locked jewelry box hidden underneath the couch, so nobody else in the house used it very much, either. As a fully-functioning member of society, Ed had long abandoned the need to reinforce his self-worth.
But on this particular day, his confidence suddenly fled. The sound of his sister approaching sent him digging through the cushions.
"Oh, Ed . . . you won't believe this." Sarah took her sweet time entering the parlor, so the door only barely whistled as it shut. "Come here!" she whispered.
"Uh . . . this can wait, can't it?" Ed replied as he tried to pry the top off the jewelry box. He was straining himself so much that his hands were turning red, but he wasn't as strong as he used to be. The wood splintered but it didn't come loose.
Sarah sighed patiently. "I suppose. But there is very little I can think of that might be more important than this. It's from the cul-de-sac, Ed –"
"Shush!" At the mention of their childhood home, Ed's heart rate rose dangerously, accompanied not by fear of an attack, but jumbled images of fat chickens and dripping toast. He needed that remote right now. He needed the choices. He needed to control himself.
He needed to smash the box.
He stood up, scratching the back of his neck. "Little sis, before you say whatever you're gonna say, I have to warn you about something."
"What's that, Ed?"
"Duck!" Ed threw the box at the nearest empty wall, which was nowhere near Sarah. She screamed anyway. That, along with the clunk of a wooden box landing on the floor in two pieces, provoked something that sounded awfully like a baby's frightened yell.
Sarah's face flushed immediately. "What the hell, Ed! You woke him!"
Ed shrugged as he frantically tore away the plastic. "I'll go check on the kid when I'm done with . . . Wait a minute, I can just . . . " He pointed the free remote at Kevin's room and pressed the red button. "Why won't that damn baby turn off? The remote's been dormant for too long!"
Sarah scowled. She'd fully expected this to happen, but it wasn't convenient. Her brother always lost control when they were reminded. She usually did, too, but this case was different. As much as she wanted to smack Ed upside the noggin, she had to contain her anger for the boy in her arms.
She took a deep breath and walked over to Ed, rocking her arms as she went. "It's not Kevin. It's someone new."
The remote went limp in Ed's hand as he turned his head. "Oh! A baby!" He frowned. "Gee, Sarah, why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?"
"Because I was never pregnant, dumbass. I'm too old." Which was really a shame. Sarah had always wanted a family, but no man had found her latent anger issues attractive. She gazed affectionately at the baby, calmer now due to the rocking. "I was coming home from work today when I got this almost magnetic urge to go check the cul-de-sac. I parked my car in front of our old house, and the first thing I saw when I got out was this very frazzled-looking young couple pushing this little guy in a stroller."
Ed peered into her arms. The baby boy didn't look like he'd smiled once in his short life. He was tiny and wrinkled, and he was jaundiced. He was yellow all over, like an unripe banana, and thus the only dainty things about him – the silky puffs of blond hair – were practically invisible.
"He's precious, isn't he?" Sarah cooed.
Ed shrugged.
"One look and I could tell he was completely infirm. His parents were obviously hopeless good-for-nothings, so I did what I had to do." She held the baby even closer to her chest.
"You stole a baby!" Ed exclaimed, doing double-takes at both his sister and the boy. "Oh my . . . Sarah, do you know what you've done?"
The baby started to wail again and Sarah flushed even redder. "I know what I did, Ed. But this ain't any ordinary baby!" She grabbed Ed by his ever-growing second chin and explained through gritted teeth, "It's Jimmy."
Ed's reaction was delayed, his attentions too focused on alerting Rolf and Johnny, or whoever was in charge now that their senility had crept in. But then he forced himself to take control of his thoughts, and it slowly dawned on him. "Jimmy. Our Jimmy."
The boy's sobbing waned at the sound of his name. Slowly enough, he began to smile, revealing two premature front teeth pointing away from each other at extreme angles – the early signs of an orthodontist's nightmare.
Ed had his middle-aged clarity back – not only back, but clearer than ever. It had been so long that, though he knew there was one missing piece, he couldn't have pictured Jimmy's face filling that hole. Now it was complete. Peach Creek had been reassembled. Ed felt his stupidest and his most mature both in that moment.
"You know what this means now, Sarah? If we keep him alive, we're home free!"
He started to let the remote fall to the ground, certain he wouldn't need it anymore. Sarah caught it and put it in Jimmy's arms before it shattered. "Don't get your hopes up too fast, Ed. Jimmy needs ten years."
A/N: I honestly don't know where I'm gonna go with this. There might be a plot, but at the same time, I kind of want to make it a series of vignettes chronicling these characters' "second lives."
Any opinions?
