This story, "Avenger's New Groove", is based on the Marvel Movie Universe version of The Avengers, written with the basic plot and themes from the Disney movie The Emperor's New Groove. I was inspired a "Brisby Pops" tumbler post my sister sent me. In it, it showed a gif of Robert Downey Jr. saying that he sometimes wishes he was a llama. After that is natural fan reaction to compare Tony Stark to Emperor Kuzco from The Emperor's New Groove and find parallels. So, so many parallels. Then of course someone suggested Steve Rogers as Pacha, Loki as Yzma, and Thor as Kronk. And thus a master-post was born. The link is at the bottom
So I decided to write "The Avengers New Groove".
The original plan was to have Avengers characters in the ENG (Emperor's New Groove) setting. However, when I was halfway done with it, I realized I'd been writing it two different ways and in two different settings at the same time. The first was set in Emperor's New Groove in Mesoamerica, and was more of a lighthearted story that ENG is written in. The second way was more like The Avengers, with much darker themes and in modern America. These two conflicting ideas could not exist in the same story, so I had to choose one, but either way I had to rewrite it because both sides referenced the other. In the end, I chose to rewrite the fic in modern America and more like Avengers than ENG. As such, I give you the warning that this story is rated "M" for safety, due to coarse language and violence. Another warning is the story is also AU, or set in a sort of Alternate Universe, as all the characters, shoulder angel and devil aside, are human, and come from normal backgrounds. There are no gods, super-soldiers in the wrong time period, or weaponized armors.
Look below for a link to the "cast" images, saying which Avengers character is connected with which ENG character.
When reading this story, you will find there are several different formats. Here is a guide to the different types of text:
"Talking"
"Narrator version of Tony Talking"
"Singing/Music"
Part 1
Long ago, somewhere in a Los Angeles scrap yard...
Lightning flashes, illuminating a twisted jungle of damaged metal and car parts. A red and gold masculine humanoid robot lies across a small scrap heap, cursing loudly. His whole body is drenched, water flowing into cracks and holes formed where parts have twisted the wrong way. One of his legs is bent the wrong way, keeping him from walking, so he has resorted to dragging himself across the junk beneath him.
"Will you look at that?" A narrator asks. "Pretty pathetic, huh?" The rumbling thunder nearly drowns out the android's curses as his leg gets caught on a piece of metal sticking up, and awkwardly curls up in order to unhook it. "Well, you'll never believe this, but that robot you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was the CEO of a Fortune 500 company." The android manages to jerk his leg free, but unbalances himself and goes tumbling down the side of the pile. "A genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Seriously!" He continues rolling down the hill until he reaches the bottom and crashes into a car. "This is his story." With a groan, the android pushes himself away from the car and starts the long climb up a particularly tall scrap heap.
"Well, actually, my story. That's right, I'm that android. The name's Tony. My full name is Anthony Edward Stark, but everyone calls me Tony." Tony narrates as his robot self makes it hallway up the pile before the piece of sheet metal he's crawling across gets dislodged from the pile by his movements and the droid screams as he goes sliding right back down the pile. Giving up, Android-Tony rolls himself onto his back and looks up at the storming sky as Narrator Tony continues. "I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason! Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what, you go back a ways you know, before I was an android, and this will all make sense."
The scene switches to a small dark haired baby surrounded by toys playing with a stuffed bunny. "Uhhh, too far. Aww, look, it's me as a baby!" Baby Tony hugged the stuffed bunny, squeezing the toy so hard the head popped off. Immediately the baby starts to cry, before a number of maids and butlers run forward, each presenting the child with an identical stuffed rabbit to the one he broke. The child stops crying and begins to laugh as Narrator Tony coughs awkwardly. "Ahem. Moving on."
The scene now showed a 26 year old Tony standing in front of a mirror. His skin was tanned, his short black hair tousled and gelled into a 'just got out of bed' look, and his goatee was trimmed to perfection. He wore a black Dolce & Gabbana business suit, black dress shoes, red and gold tie, and a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses perched on top of his head.
"JARVIS?" Tony called.
"Yes, sir?" A mechanical British called from above. This voice was JARVIS; an Artificial Intelligence Tony had created and was working on integrating into the building. He could 'see', 'hear', and 'talk' using security cameras and speakers placed strategically around the building.
"Theme song." Tony said, grinning as the music started playing a song written by a fan of Tony's.
"There are despots and dictators
Political manipulators
There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas
There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements
They'd be better suited swinging from the trees
He was born and raised to rule
No one has ever been as cool
In a thousand years of aristocracy
An enigma and a mystery
In modern American history
The quintessence of perfection that is he"
Tony danced along with the song, strutting around his living room before heading into the kitchen to eat. A chef was waiting for him with a banquet of breakfast choices to choose from. Tony smirked, dismissing the chef with a wave as he sat and started piling his plate with food.
"Okay, this is the real me. The billionaire, not the android. Billionaire, droid; winner, loser." Narrator Tony says, "I live in a giant tower, Stark Tower, in the greatest city in the world, New York City.
"It stands in the heart of the city, with my corporate headquarters beneath my personal residential floors, and everyone there works for me."
"Oh, yeah!
He's the sovereign lord of the nation
He's the hippest cat
in creation
He's the alpha
the omega, A to Z
And this perfect world will spin
Around his every little whim
Cause this perfect world
begins and ends with"
"Me." Tony called out as he finished his breakfast. He got up and danced over to the elevator, leaving the dishes and leftovers for someone else to clean up. As he got in the elevator, he jabbed the button to the second floor as the song continued playing in the elevator speakers.
"What's his name
Tony
That's his name
Tony
He's the king of the world
Tony
Is he hip or what
Tony
Yeah"
The elevator arrived with a ding, and as Tony backed out of the elevator, he felt something collide with his back, sending him off his rhythm. Turning around, he saw he had bumped into an elderly man with slicked back grey hair and a pair of red aviator sunglasses. "Hey, watch it bub!"
Tony huffed, crossing his arms and glaring at the old man, before pointing a finger at him. "You threw off my groove!"
"You're the one who bumped into me, kid. Excelsior!" The old man argued.
A pair of mechanical clawed arms extended from the floor, grabbing the old man by the elbows. "I'm sorry, but you threw off Mr. Stark's groove." JARVIS' voice called from above. One of the window slid open, before the clawed arms tossed the man through it. The window shut itself, and Tony looked expectantly up at the camera.
"You were saying JARVIS?" Tony demanded.
What's his name
Tony
Tony
Tony
That's his name
Tony
Tony
Is he hip or what
Tony
Don't you know he's
the king of the world
Tony
Whoa, yeah"
"Boom, baby!" Tony shouts as he burst through the side door into the briefing room. Immediately, reporters started pelting him with questions as Virginia "Pepper" Potts, Tony's assistant, walked swiftly over to him.
"Mr. Stark, you're late." Ms. Potts informs dryly.
"A Stark is never late. Everyone else is just early." Tony countered, smirking as she rolled her eyes. "So what's this on again?" He asked, subtly gesturing to the slew of reporters just out of earshot.
"Stark Industries newest line of phones. And here are your cards on what to say." She handed him a set of notecard with a pre-prepared speech on it.
"Thank you, Pep. Don't know what I'd do without you." Tony says jokingly.
"Spend all your days dancing and playing in your lab while the company descended into ruin." Ms. Potts replies with a smile.
"You know me so well." Tony grins at their usual banter, before turning and walking up to the stage, winking at a leggy brunette reporter as he passes. "Alright, let's get this show on the road."
"Anyways, still wondering about that robot at the beginning of the story? Well let me show you the people responsible for all the craziness in my life. First there's Steve Rogers." Narrator Tony pointed out.
A taxi pulled up to the curb outside the tower and parked, letting out a tall man. Caucasian, he had blond hair, bright blue eyes, and large muscles. It was clear from the way the 34 year old carried himself that he was a military man, and yet his near-constant soft smile made him seem very approachable. He wore a brown motorcycle jacket over a grey and white plaid shirt and a pair of blue jeans.
As he walked up to the building, he saw something waving about in his peripheral vision. Turning to look, he saw a leg sticking out of the top of a bush in front of the building, flailing wildly.
"Uhh…"
"Don't just stand there, pull me out!" the person the leg was attached to bellowed.
"Oh! Right, sorry." Steve carefully pulled on the leg until he could get a better grip on the person and pull them out. "What were you doing in there?"
"What was I doing in there? I'll tell you what I was doing in there! That stupid billionaire had me thrown out the second story window because I 'threw off his groove'!" The old man vented.
"Whoa, are you okay?" Steve asked.
"Am I okay?! That bastard tossed me out a window! How do you think I'm doing?!" The old man yelled, before stalking off, muttering under his breath about self-centered billionaires. Steve stared after him for a moment to make sure he was okay before turning and walking into the front door.
He walked up to the front desk where the receptionist was doing something on her cellphone. "Umm, excuse me. Miss?" Steve called politely, trying to get the receptionist's attention. She turned to look at him with a bored expression.
"Can I help you?" She asked dully, clearly not caring.
"Uh, I have a meeting scheduled with Mr. Stark? Apparently he needed to see me about something and—"
"Name." The receptionist interrupted.
"Rogers. Steve Rogers, ma'am." The receptionist tapped a few keys, looked at him again, before reaching under the desk, pulled out a visitor's badge, and scribbled his name on it.
"Here. Take the left elevator, go up the 18th floor, third door on your right, and wait to be called. Just ask JARVIS if you get lost." The receptionist drawled.
"Who is—" But the receptionist was already looking at her phone again, blatantly ignoring him. "Thanks." Steve called as he went into the elevator, manners ingrained in him from a young age not allowing him to leave without thanking her. He pressed the button for the 18th floor, gripping the handrail as the elevator started up with a jerk. "But who is Jarvis?"
"That would be me, sir." A British voice said, seeming to come out of nowhere to Steve.
"Who's there?" Steve demanded, whipping back and forth trying to find the mystery person.
"I am JARVIS, Mr. Stark's personal Artificial Intelligence. If there is anything I can do to assist you, merely ask."
"Uhh….thanks?" It came out as more of a question than a statement.
"See what I mean? This guy is serious trouble. But as bad as he is, he's nothing is compared to what's coming next." Narrator Tony warned.
"And why should Stark Industries help you again?" A 30-something year old man with a British accent asked. He had pale skin, slicked back shoulder-length black hair, and piercing green eyes. He wore a black two-piece suit, white shirt, black tie, gold and green scarf, and black dress shoes.
"This is Loki Laufeyson, one of SI's business partners. Started out working for his adoptive father in a no-name company in Norway, before staging a hostile takeover that soon brought the company to the top of the charts under the new management."
"Damn it Laufeyson! This is serious. People's lives are at stake!" Shouted a middle-aged man in an army uniform. "That gamma spill has affected a lot of people—including one of our scientist who up and gone missing! We need SI to assist in the cleanup effort and develop a treatment!"
"Well General Ross, you should have thought of that before you spilled all that radiation. SI will not help you. Good day." Loki turned around to walk away, but Ross wasn't done with him.
"Now wait just a—" The general reached for Loki, but broke off as a large hand grabbed his arm in a tight grip.
"And let's not forget Loki's right hand man, Loki's adoptive older brother Thor Odinson." Thor was a tall man, built like an ox, and strong as one too. His dirty-blond shoulder-length hair was pulled back into a low ponytail and his grey eyes stared the general down. He wore a black jacket with a high collar over a red tee-shirt with a silver lightning bolt on it, and a pair of black slacks. He's a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and not exactly the brightest bulb, but he stayed loyal to his younger brother despite the little coup he staged."
"You shall not lay a hand on my brother." Thor boomed. Several security guards showed up and dragged Ross out the door.
"Lately, Loki has gotten this bad habit trying to run SI behind my back without me noticing. Too bad for him, I have, and I'm thinking that it has to stop."
"This isn't over Laufeyson!" Ross declared before the door closed behind them. Loki rubbed his temples, trying to stave off a headache.
"The nerve of those military guys, thinking they can just order you around like that." Tony said casually.
"Tell me about it." Loki groaned, before his eyes widened and he whipped around. Standing behind Loki and Thor was none other than Tony Stark.
"Hi there." Tony smirked.
"Mr. Stark!" Loki smiled nervously.
"You were doing it again."
"Doing? Doing what?" Loki asked innocently with a nervous chuckle.
"Trying to run my company. I'm the CEO; you're SI's business partner. Remember that?"
"But, Mr. Stark. I'm only dealing with the tedious part of business that I know you hate. Wouldn't you rather spend your time in your lab creating things or working in Research and Development?" Loki continued to try to explain his action, while Tony zoned out.
'Man this guy is just droning on and on. Does he ever stop lying? And what's with all the hair gel...Do I smell poptarts?' Tony thought.
"Aye brother. Don't you agree, Friend Tony?" Thor asked, throwing an arm around Tony's shoulders.
"Whoa whoa. No touchy! No touch!" Tony jerked away, wary of the strength Thor sometimes he forgot he had. Thor held up his hands in surrender, a somewhat confused but apologetic look on his face.
Pepper came into the room, walking right up to the trio. "Excuse me. Mr. Stark, your 6:30 appointment has arrived."
Tony's face lit up. "Great, great. Send him in, I'll head right over." He started to walk away, before turning back to Loki as Pepper walked away. "And by the way, we're done here."
"Of course. We'll see you Wednesday." Loki said, voice and expression neutral but relief that the subject seemed to have been dropped clear in his eyes.
"No, I mean, we're done here. As in, Stark Industries is severing its partnership with Asgard Inc."
Loki's eyes widened. "But we've been partners for many years now. Surely, you want to sleep on this decision? And what of the board; don't they have a say?"
Tony stopped, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Yes we have. No I don't. I really don't care."
"But—but—but-!"
"Hmm. Let me put it another way. Our partnership has expired, we're going in a different direction, we're no longer picking up your option. Take your pick, I've got more." Tony grinned at Loki's slack-jawed expression. "It's over Laufeyson. Now get out of my building." With that, Tony turned and walked away, leaving a fuming Loki and confused Thor behind.
So what'd ya think? Review to let me know.
Links (just get rid of the spaces):
Brisby Pops: post/ 34697919010/fireflyca -pie- liner-eats -tesseract
Cast: www .pinterest. com twilight_reader/avengers-new-groove/
