Hi! This is my first SnK fic :) hope you like it!


Chapter 1 – Eren

As I stare outside through the window, all I could see were the same picture of buildings and bustling streets. The view had amazed me the first time I saw it through this small window but as the years passed by, they just looked bland.

The only thing that kept me anticipating for another tomorrow was the sky, the ever changing sky.

And the hope that someday, I would meet him again. My corporal.

"Good morning Eren." Petra, the nurse, cheerfully entered the room. She walked towards my bed and placed a cup filled with tablets and capsules of different colors on the table beside it. "Here's your morning medicine. Be a good boy and drink them all!"

I smiled at her and took a glimpse outside the window. Petra immediately became the nurse assigned to me after she graduated from the nursing school. Until now, she was the only constant companion I have aside from the needles and the IV.

"What are you looking at?" Petra asked while pouring some water on a mug. "I would always see you staring blankly through that window." She gave me the mug filled with water and the pills.

"Nothing." I placed the pills on my mouth and drank the water, pushing the pills down my throat. "Just looking at the life I could never have." I gave her the cup back.

"Oh Eren." Petra placed her hands above mine, a frown lacing her lips. "You know you could. Just a few more months and surely you're going to be fine. Look, the doctor will give the results of your test tomorrow and I'm sure that she will give you good news."

False assurance that is what this was.

I tried not to waste Petra's effort of consoling me, she's only doing what she thinks is the best. "Hopefully it will." I smiled softly at her and retracted my hands from hers.

"Of course! I'm sure you'll be discharged in no time." Petra announced as she left for the door. As soon as she was gone, I began staring outside once again.

Discharged? They have been telling me that since the first time I came here.

I already have a weak heart since I was a child. I was not allowed to mingle with others around my age except for our neighbors, Mikasa and Armin. We used to hang out together inside our house and read books. Sometimes, they would tell me their experiences in school. At first I was happy to be able to have friends.

But soon, I just became jealous.

I got jealous of the fact that they have a normal life, unlike me who was never allowed to go outside. I tried to lessen our time together and withdrawn myself to the solace of isolation.

That's when I had the dreams.

I kept dreaming about killing gigantic human-looking creatures. They became recurring until I found out that they are called Titans.

And I was one of them.

Probably around the time I had those dreams, my attacks worsen. My once lonesome life became more unbearable to live. They said I only have to stay in the hospital for days.

But those days became months, then years.

My stay in the hospital made my dreams more frequent. I saw Mikasa and Armin fighting with me against the Titans. I saw Nurse Petra dying because of a female Titan. I dreamt of Bert, the patient next door, transforming into a colossal titan.

I thought they were just mere dreams and a figment of my childish imagination. But I was wrong.

I saw someone I don't know. I kept calling him Corporal. Every time I dreamt of him, the Corporal, unknown warmth spreads inside my chest. I can't breathe, because the mere fact that he's beside me fills me with joy.

Until I dreamt of a scene where I killed him. I killed Corporal.

The man I love.

I remembered I had an attack that night. My lungs were closing in and I can't breathe. My heart felt like it is being squeezed to death by a fist while guilt, sadness, and anger add to its weight. The nurses and doctors found me wheezing and thumping my chest as the picture of Corporal dying in my hands burn through my mind.

I thought I was going to die. And I was fine with it.

It would be retribution. I killed the only person who loved me despite the monster I was. I thought it would be better if I died with the memory and guilt engraved in my mind. I thought that would be my punishment.

My next dream proved me wrong. Corporal left a letter, a letter for me. He told me that he's prepared for everything that may come in the way. He said that he's prepared to die as long as he'll be able to give me a peaceful place, without the titans, to live.

That he's prepared to die even in my hands.

That he loves me with all that he is.

That if ever we see each other again in the next life, he will not hesitate to be with me.

Those dreams, no, those memories made me treasure this life more, because in our past life, I didn't.

I thought that everything would be fine after my past self read Corporal's letter. He seemed to live his life normally after that. Despite seemingly mundane, deep inside, he was slowly crumbling, both my past self's heart and mind was deteriorating.

After a year of a titan free world, and Corporal's death, the sad news of the death of Humanity's hope broke out. My past self killed himself.

The acceptance of killing the man he loves was only temporary. The fact slowly sinks into him as time goes by, the fact that his Corporal will never come back.

And it's all because of him.

"Miss Petra?" I asked as she placed my dinner on the table bed. She hummed questioningly. "What would you do if you only have a day to live?"

The question seemed to startle her since the fork fell on the floor. She scrambled to pick it up and replace it with another one, all the while laughing uneasily. "Well," She placed the utensils on the table bed. "I'll probably go to my love ones and tell them how much I love them." Petra sat on the chair beside the bed and watched me eat. "How about you Eren?"

I took a spoonful of the seemingly tasteless soup and stared at the pale cream color. "I would go to the one place I've been dreaming to go to." I took a sip from the soup and evidently, it lacks taste.

"Where's that?" Petra placed her arms at the bed and stared at me with interest gleaming in her eyes.

"The ocean." I turned my gaze towards the window and stared at the blue sky. "I always dreamt of going there and seeing the vast blue of the waters and feeling the sand between my toes." I relayed, a smile decorating my whole face. "I told Corporal about it and he said that he would take me there sometime. I was really happy tha–"

"Who's Corporal?" Petra interrupted, her voice laced with confusion. "Is he a friend back home?"

My mouth formed a thin line, I spoke too much. I don't want to turn around and look at Petra and see her face filled with obliviousness about the past. I don't want to see how she looks while asking about who Corporal is.

But I know it would be better for her that way.

I slowly turned my head towards her and offered a small smile. "Yes he is. Corporal is quite the shy type and he would just glare at you when he's embarrassed." I know that living the present should be about anticipating the future and living the moment, not about dwelling the past and burying yourself around 'what ifs'. I should be happy that Petra does not have her past memories, at least right now, she could live her life without the burden of the past.

"He sounds cute." Petra chuckled, her face glowing. "Where is he now?"

"I don't know." I looked down. "He's probably cleaning his house or checking new brands of detergent."

Petra looked confused but after a moment, laughter replaced her confusion. "But, what kind of parents would name their son Corporal? Is that really his name?"

I smiled at her laughing face. She looked really beautiful when she laughs. Oluo, Petra's fiancé, is really lucky to have her. "Levi," I started, Petra stopped laughing and looked at me. "His name is Levi."

"Really? His name sounds amazing."

"Levi is amazing."

That night, I had a hard time sleeping.

I've heard a lot of bad news in my life, but I can't help but feel agitated about the result of the tests. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. It will do me no good to expect and just be let down.

This time, I resolved myself. Whatever the result may be, may it be good or bad, I will go to the ocean. I don't want to waste another moment living a life like this.

Let me have my wings back.

I fell asleep with the thoughts of going to the ocean with Corporal. I dreamt of walking along the shore with Corporal while holding his hands. The occasional waves hitting our bare feet and I'll shiver at the coldness of the water. Corporal would notice my shiver and he would pull me closer to him, sharing the warmth between us. After walking, we would go back to our house near the ocean and cuddle together on the sofa.

We will be on our own little world.

"Eren! Good morning." Dr. Hange chirped and ran towards me, engulfing me in a hug. Dr. Hange would always seem to bring sunshine to the hospital with her quirky attitude. She's always over energetic and people can't help but be infected by her laughter. "How's my favorite patient?"

"I slept well." I laughed when Dr. Hange pouted because Petra pulled her away from me. "I'm feeling good right now."

"Then that's great Eren." Petra chirped. "I thought you're going to die of suffocation because of Dr. Hange."

"Hey! My hug is very warm."

"No one likes your hug except Moblit." Petra retorted.

"Oh my god, please stop!" Dr. Hange widened her eyes. "My friend is having an existential crisis right now and if you continue to decrease my confidence, I might have one as well!"

"Stop Hange." Petra rolled her eyes. "Eren is waiting you know."

"Oh yes!" Dr. Hange looked apologetically at me. "I'm sorry I got carried away."

"It's alright." I reassured her. "Umm, about the result?"

Dr. Hange stilled. Her once cheerful demeanor became serious. "Can you step out for a while Petra?"

"Sure." Petra smiled at me and mouthed 'Good luck' before she left.

I could feel my hands sweat at the anticipation, whether I can finally leave this place or not. I closed my hands in a tight fist when I heard Dr. Hange said my name.

"Last time, I told you that you have a 50/50 chance if you undergo a surgery. You and your parents declined since the percentage is low. Eren," Dr. Hange paused, her face contorting into miserable expression. "Right now would be the last chance if you want to undergo in a surgery."

I could feel my nails dug harshly on my palm as Dr. Hange said those words. I bit my lip, trying to repress my feelings. "What's my chance now?"

"60/40" Dr. Hange closed her eyes. "40% you'll live, 60% you won't."

The instant the words left her mouth, my dream last night suddenly flashed before my eyes. The warmth and love that that dream filled me suddenly turned into an icy dread.

I guess this lifetime is not the one.

"What will be your choice Eren? Do you want to or not? You can decide for yourself now since you're already eighteen."

Why? I don't have a reason to put my life at stake.

"You know that if you don't undergo this surgery, you'll only have a few years left."

That's fine for me. I don't have him right now. What would be the point of living a long life?

"Dr. Hange," I turned my gaze outside, towards the vast gray sky. It looks like the sky would do the crying for me.

"Can I go to the ocean?"


End of Chapter 1

Hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think :)