I'm one step from a breakdown, two steps from being safe

Just try to see this through

I'm three steps from this nightmare and four steps from the door

The rest is up to you

Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away

Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say

Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe

Pardon me

I'm one step from forgiveness and two steps from my grave

We're all just three steps from redemption, four from the Devil's door

On a path that leads to you

Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away

Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say

Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe

Pardon me

Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away

Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say

Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe

Pardon me

I'm two steps from salvation but I'm only taking one

Pardon me


The blonde looks over her shoulder one last time at the place that has always been her home. She briefly feels like she is abandoning them but it quickly turns into resentment as her eyes roam over the backs of her friends. Her friends that she just sacrificed nearly four hundred people for. Bile rises in her throat and she forces it back down. None of them understand what she's been through, the decisions she's had to make; not even Bellamy who has quickly become like a brother to her. Her mother turns toward her and she can see the ever-present look of disgust mixed with disappointment and pity. She knows she deserves it for what happened at TonDC but it hurts nonetheless. Jasper would likely never forgive her for the decision to irradiate level five at Mount Weather that killed everyone inside and she doesn't blame him. She hates herself too. She hates that there is so much blood on her hands. First, Atom. She had stumbled upon the search party looking for him, Bellamy above him holding a knife and looking at her desperately but there was no way to save him. She took the knife from Bellamy and told Atom that she would help him so she carefully cut his jugular and hummed to him as he slowly slipped away in her arms. Caliban was next, she used his bad knee to her advantage and covered his mouth as he drowned in his own blood after she slit his throat. It had been ruthless but necessary. Then, there was Finn. Her sweet, sweet Finn who had turned into something that no one had predicted or recognized. Thinking of him still hurt so much. It had been her own hand that had plunged the knife into his chest. His last words still ringing in her ear. Thanks Princess. She closes her eyes and takes a deep shuttering breath and attempts to prevent the tears that are pooling in the corners of her eyes from falling. She looks away and turns her back on the only family she's ever known – her mother, Bellamy, Raven, Octavia – the people who used to know her but no longer do.

Her feet carry her away from the Ark and into the dense forest. She doesn't know where she is going or where she might end up and she isn't sure that she cares anyway. All she knows is she can't stay in a place where she is constantly reminded of what she was forced to do to save her people. She crosses her arms around her midsection and continues to walk until she can't anymore. When she looks up, she finds herself in front of the dropship, the first place they called home on this rough planet. The ground surrounding it is scorched and littered with skeletons of what remains of the Grounders she burned alive. She had no choice, she knows that, she had to protect everyone. It doesn't make it easier for her to see the carnage left behind.

She pushes the curtain aside hoping to find some supplies she can use that were left behind when the Mountain Men came. She rummages through piles of boxes and manages to find a few rounds of ammunition but there is no telling how much of it still works. She remembers Raven saying something about the rounds misfiring and she decides to leave them instead of taking the chance of injuring herself. The blonde fashions a pack out of some of the leftover parachute and cords. In it, she places a canteen for water, what is left of the ration packs minus the bad nuts that make you hallucinate, and blankets. She spends the night in one of the few hammocks still hanging staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. She uses her trench coat to keep the chill out as her gun rests on her stomach and she tries but fails to keep the visions of those whose lives she's taken from taking over her thoughts. Eventually, she falls into a restless sleep because she can no longer keep her eyes open.

She wakes at first light with the images of Finn assaulting her eyelids. She sees him almost constantly, the only time she hadn't was when she was with the Commander. There was always a sense of understanding, a kind of kinship she had felt with the other leader. Clarke shakes her head, that no longer matters because Lexa betrayed her. She sits up gingerly so she doesn't end up on the cold hard floor and pulls her trench coat back on. The material is heavy and fortified in the right areas. Its dirty and frayed, the pauldrons have seen better days, but the jacket is both warm and provides an extra layer of protection. It makes her look more like a Grounder but right now she needs that if she's going to be in the forest alone. She needs to look like she can take care of herself.

Leaving the dropship seems to lift a weight off her shoulders she hadn't known she was carrying but the relief is short lived as she comes upon the graveyard they built just hours after arriving the first day. Clarke finds herself wishing that Wells was still here. He would understand her choices. He wouldn't judge her for them. She misses him and she spent so much time hating him because she thought that it was his fault her father was spaced when it had been her mother all along. She picks a flower nearby and sets it by his marker saying a silent goodbye as tears flow from her eyes. She continues to the art supply store Finn had found shortly after their arrival. Even though it pains her, she goes inside knowing that there are supplies there. The smell threatens to make her throw up but she manages to refrain by breathing through her mouth. She finds a knife and the two-headed deer Finn made for her on the small table next to the dead Grounder. She only takes the knife with her. Even though it means shelter, she can't bring herself to stay there.

She checks her location once she emerges from the shelter. Mount Weather is about a four-hour hike from her current location and while she has no desire to ever step foot in that place again, she knows there are supplies like food and extra clothes. More importantly, there are weapons. She moves on autopilot not bothering to take in her surroundings. She knows the way and most of the Grounders have continued to steer clear of the mountain out of fear. She makes it just before dark. The outer door is still open, just as they left it a few days ago. She never thought she would be back here, but then again, there were many things she thought she would never do, like killing someone. She had been studying to be a doctor on the Ark, to follow in her mother's footsteps, to be a healer. But the only thing she feels like the longer she is on Earth is a coldblooded killer. Dante and all his people in the mountain that she currently stands outside are proof of that.

She enters the mountain feeling a sense of dread but forces herself to look for anything that will aid in her survival. Walking among the bodies in the mess hall, she wonders not for the first time, how Lexa can do it. How she can go on knowing how much blood is on her hands. Clarke finds it hard to think about let alone see it as she is now. Their bodies are bloodied and covered in sores, some open and oozing while others look scabbed over. The smell is rancid. Dead body odor mixes with the scent of foul excrement and urine. She gags and loses what little she managed to eat for breakfast during her walk here. It takes a while for her to stop heaving but she eventually wipes her mouth and moves on.

She goes to the kitchen, it's almost like the markets back on the Ark. There are things she recognizes and things she doesn't. She fills her pack with anything that is easy to carry and doesn't weigh much; raw fruits and vegetables, dried meat, nuts and cheese, even some bread. She is amazed at their level of engineering, it almost rivals that of the Ark.

Clarke raids the medical supplies next; taking bandages, antiseptic, and pain pills. You never know what you'll need out in the middle of nowhere. She feels the scab on her arm itch and realizes that she has been her far longer than she wants or needs to be. She exits the same way she got in not wanting to see any more bodies than necessary. Her feet take her down the side of the mountain and she notes that it's the same path Lexa took the night she betrayed her when she had to watch the other girl walk away.

The Commander walks towards Clarke with one of the mountain men, Emerson, at her side. Clarke is confused as to why Lexa has given the order for her people to stand down and looks to her expectantly. The blonde can already see the regret seeping into the brunette's features but it is quickly masked behind hard eyes. Clarke's heart beats within her chest, ramming against her ribs and sternum with a force she's never felt. She's afraid.

"What is this?" she asks, unsure if she really wants to know the answer.

Someone behind her yells. "Look! They're coming out!" Both of them turn their gaze toward the door that now hangs open. Clarke is stunned.

"They're surrendering?" she turns to Lexa searching her face.

Emerson's face turns into a smug smile. "Not quite," he says and then looks to the Commander.

Clarke's stomach drops and she feels sick. She watches the frown form at Lexa's mouth and her eyes convey an apology the blonde wishes she wasn't seeing. "What did you do?" it comes out in a harsh whisper in an almost unbelieving tone as her voice shakes.

"What you would have done," is the simple reply. "Saved my people."

A quiet rage takes over Clarke as she asks Lexa where her people are and she replies that she's sorry but they weren't part of the deal. The blonde stares at the girl she trusted tears threatening to fall as she looks away. She won't let Lexa see her cry. She hears rather than sees her cut the bindings on Emerson.

"You made the right choice Commander," he tells her and Clarke balls her hands into a fist to keep from strangling the man right here and now.

She looks back to Lexa and as he walks away Lincoln comes to stand beside her. He wants to know what they're doing and why they aren't attacking. Clarke replies in a tone of disgust that Lexa made a deal. "What about the prisoners from the Ark?" he asks looking to his Heda.

"They'll all be killed," Clarke replies for her. "But you don't care about that, do you?" Pain and anger enters her voice. The accusation is clear.

"I do care, Clarke. But I made this choice with my head and not my heart," Lexa says forcefully. The blonde is unsure who she is trying to convince in this situation. "The duty to protect my people comes first."

"Please don't do this," the blonde pleads with her.

"I'm sorry, Clarke."

Lincoln steps in front of her. "Commander, not like this! Let us fight!"

"No! The deal is done." she states and they hear the grinding of the door shutting the rest of the Sky People inside. She orders them to sound the retreat.

"They'll be slaughtered! Let me help them!"

Clarke feels a swell of pride and gratitude for the man beside her. Contempt fills her as the Grounder is knocked unconscious and she gazes at the Commander. She is in utter disbelief as Lexa says, "May we meet again."

Clarke feels her chest tighten painfully. Sadness for losing their chance at whatever was happening between them starts to creep up on her and she tamps it back down swallowing hard at the lump in her throat. Anything they could have shared was gone the minute Lexa had turned her back on her. It is at the same door she was betrayed that she finds a bow with a quiver of arrows that were left behind. She picks them up and straps them over her back before setting off again.