Killer Penguins
After the incident where half of the Smash Mansion was destroyed by a derailed train, Master Hand was not sure what to do. He sat in his office with Crazy Hand, his not-so-sane counterpart and thought.
"What to do… what to do!?" Master Hand said to himself, panicking.
"Well…" Crazy Hand said. "We could always blindfold them all and throw them off a cliff!"
"What a brilliant idea!" Master Hand exclaimed. "And then we would- Wait… didn't we do that last time and cause a train to run into the mansion?"
"No… What would make you think that?"
Master Hand motioned towards the railway that was positioned right next to the mansion.
"Oh… well…"
Silence.
"I've got it!" Master Hand said in an overdone posh English accent. "We'll send them off on a cruise ship while the slave Waddle Dees can clean up this mess!"
"What a splendid idea, brother!" Crazy Hand said. "And then as they leave the dock we can set the ship on fire and they can all die!"
Crazy cackled evilly.
"You do know that killing people isn't the solution to everything, right?"
Crazy shrugged. Somehow.
"Attention Smashers!" Master Hand boomed into the PA system. "Everybody to the foyer. NOW!"
The hand floated down to the bottom floor of the mansion, where everybody was assembled.
"Peoples! Crazy Hand and I have found the perfect way to solve this predicament!"
"Really?" Crazy asked.
Master Hand hit Crazy.
"We have decided to send you out on a cruise ship while we fix up this mess!"
"It's the perfect solution!" Crazy Hand said cheesily, his thumb up.
"So… um… yeah! Pack your bags go do something!"
Silence.
Crazy Hand floated forward. "Yeah, distract yourselves while I rig the ship with-"
Master Hand hit Crazy again.
Everyone stared blankly.
"Don't worry! Everyone knows that Crazy Hand here is quite insane and can't be trusted! He's lying! There are no explosives to rig the ship with! And there isn't a hole in the hull either!"
Master Hand started sweating.
Everyone stared.
"Go pack your bags or something!"
Master Hand sweated even more.
"Please?"
Crazy Hand pushed Master Hand into a padded cell.
"Now that the crazier of us two hands can't bother us any more, go pack your bags for the cruise!"
The Smashers left to pack their luggage.
"Let me out of here!" Master Hand screamed. "I demand it at once!"
Crazy Hand whistled while walking away.
"Crazy Hand's going to kill you all! Why won't anybody listen to me!?"
"I will…" Roy said, locked in the cell.
"Ah! That's where you went! I was looking for you! You see-"
Master Hand noticed that Roy was biting on his skin.
"Um…"
The Smashers assembled themselves on a conveniently placed dock as their ship came in. It was humongous, with streaks of gold and the logo of Smash Bros. on the side.
"Wow… it looks so… awesome!" Ness exclaimed.
"Wait a second!" Crazy Hand shouted. "This is the wrong ship!"
"What do you mean?" Ness asked. "It has the logo on it and all, doesn't it?"
"Ah, but since I now own the mansion it has been changed!"
A different ship rolled in with the words 'Crazy Hand is better than you!' on it.
"But this one looks so… horrible!"
"Live with it!" Crazy Hand barked.
The Smashers slowly boarded the ship.
Crazy Hand laughed to himself. "Little do they know that the ship is going to explode in five days and that they are all DOOMED!"
He cackled evilly.
"What did you just say Crazy Hand?" Mario asked.
"Nothing!" Crazy chirped.
FIRST DAY of the Smashers' cruise
"Wow…" Dedede said, as he stared back at the dock as the ship left for sea. He slowly walked away from the balcony and stretched his arms out, yawning. "It's great to be out here! The sea is such a great place to be!" He took in a whiff of air, then let out a big 'Ah'.
Suddenly, the gang of the 'cooler' group of Smashers approached the penguin.
"Hey, look guys!" Marth said, with Sonic, Yoshi and Luigi behind him. "It's the stupid fat penguin!"
"Go away, you guys!" Dedede said. "I'm just trying to enjoy the cruise!"
"Heh, you're just saying that because you're old!" Sonic sneered.
"Yeah! Let's throw badly cooked pancakes at him!" Yoshi shouted.
A barrage of pancakes flew at the helpless penguin, smacking him on the face.
"No! Stop!" Dedede said, cowering.
The gang laughed at the bird before abruptly leaving.
"Those darn kids!" Dedede exclaimed, waving his fist. "I shall get them for what they have done…"
He sat there for a moment.
"But how?"
"Hey there Mario, my buddy!" Dedede said, walking into the nearest room.
"Don't-a call me that!" Mario said, waving his arms in the penguin's face. "I'm not your friend, and I never was!"
"Why does everybody hate me!?" Dedede wailed, hugging onto Mario.
"Hey-a! Stop that! Can't you see that I'm-a carrying around a giant branding iron!?"
…
"Mario, why exactly are you carrying around a giant branding iron?"
Mario whacked Dedede in the head, knocking him out cold.
The penguin woke up in a bed, surrounded by bright lights.
"Wha… where am I?" he said drowsily.
"Oh! You're awake!" Dr. Mario said. "You've been out for quite a while!"
"Uh…" the penguin said, climbing off the bed. "What happened?"
"You seem to have been hit by a large blunt object on the forehead," Mario said.
"Ah. Now… where was I?" Dedede said, walking towards Mario. "I know! I shall slowly kill off all the Smashers for their mean actions towards me! And then I shall reign supreme!"
He cackled evilly.
"Ho ho ho! You're such a good joker!" Mario said. "Such a good joker that you will be allowed more than 2 grams of food this evening!"
"Wait, we weren't be-"
"Shut up!"
"Um… Mario, are you okay?"
"Shut up!"
"Um…"
"Go kill someone or something, get out of my face!"
"Mario…?"
Mario hit Dedede in the face.
Dedede strode into the dining hall, his chest sticking out in defiance.
"Hey, look guys, it's the fat one!" Marth sneered, pointing at Dedede.
"Don't you dare call me that! I find it very offensive!"
"Aren't all penguins fat anyway?" Yoshi laughed.
The group of youths cackled.
"Hm! So be it! Everybody on this boat -"
The penguin stomped on the table, and all the other Smashers' heads turned towards him.
"EVERYBODY on this boat shall die for their sins! For the greater good of justice! For man – um… penguinkind!"
"Fat penguin, has anybody ever told you how much your logic fails?" Marth asked.
"…" Dedede said. "Well, I can still tell a good joke!"
"…" Marth said, watching.
"No really, you'll be dead with laughter after this!"
"Um… okay?"
"So these two guys on top of a mountain are listening to a CD one of them brought up. And the first guy asks, 'Why are you listening to such horrible music?' and the second guy replies, 'Hey, at least it's ore-iginal!'"
Everybody rolled on the floor laughing.
"'Well I'd rather listen to rock and roll!'"
Everybody laughed some more while Dedede carried Marth away and stuffed him into an oven.
"Hey," Luigi asked. "Have you seen Marth?"
"No," said Dedede, "But he's probably gone away for a long time!"
"What makes you say that?"
"Um… nothing," the penguin replied. He laughed nervously.
…
The penguin ran away.
