Lost and Found
Disclaimer: Spooks belongs to Kudos and the BBC.
A/N: This is a two-part story, though I have to apologize that the first chapter ended up quite long. I hope you will still give the story a chance.
For those of you who've not read the book Harry's Diary, here's a little background information. Once Harry returned to the Grid after seeing Ruth off at the end of 5.5, he received a message that his daughter Catherine was injured in a bombing in Lebanon. Harry immediately left the Grid in Adam's hands and flew to the Middle East. He eventually was able to locate Catherine and stayed with her for several weeks until she was well enough to travel home. This story starts as Harry returns to the Grid after that trip, before the start of 5.6.
Lost
"Welcome back."
"Thank you, Adam. It's good to be back."
"How's Catherine?"
"She's getting better and happy to be home with her family. She's staying at her mother's right now and Jane is so relieved to have her there that she's even allowing me to visit. I guess miracles do happen."
Adam smiled. "I'm glad she's doing well. Before I brief you on what has happened in the past few weeks, there's something else I'd like to mention. It has to do with Ruth."
Harry shot Adam a warning look. When Ruth left, they – Harry, Adam, Zaf, and Malcolm – agreed never to speak of Ruth while on the Grid. Despite all the counter-measures in place, Harry couldn't trust that someone like Oliver Mace wouldn't have the ability to find a way to bug the Grid. Harry refused to take any chances when it came to Ruth's safety.
Adam saw the look on Harry's face but continued on. "We had a small memorial service for Ruth while you were gone. Obviously the Service didn't pay for one considering the circumstances surrounding her death, but a few of us still wanted the chance to say goodbye. Zaf contacted her mother, Elizabeth Bickley, and she came up from Cheltenham to join us. She asked about you."
Harry kept his face impassive as Adam spoke but those last words caught him off guard. "She asked about me? Why?"
"Mrs. Bickley is aware of where Ruth worked and what she did. Apparently the family was fully vetted when Ruth's step-brother worked in Royal Protection, so when the background work was done for Ruth's move from GCHQ, Ruth told her mother where she would be working. When she came for the service, she said that Ruth had mentioned you several times in conversations and emails. Mrs. Bickley was hoping to speak with you since Ruth always spoke so highly of you."
Harry knew that Adam wasn't saying this to be cruel, but it was still difficult to hear. Harry had mastered the art of controlling his emotions through his 'self-control, self-denial' mantra, and that control, when it came to Ruth, had been deceptively easy while he was in Lebanon frantically searching for Catherine. But now that Harry was back on the Grid and not preoccupied with his daughter he was finding that control severely tested.
"Mrs. Bickley was understandably upset about Ruth's death and she was having trouble with the idea that Ruth would have committed suicide. I don't think she's interested in making trouble for the Service, Harry. She understands that the full details surrounding Ruth's death can't be released, but I think if you were to speak to her, it would ease her mind," Adam suggested.
"And what would you have me tell her? That her daughter was colluding with others to allow for illegal torture?" Harry exclaimed.
"We both know that Ruth did a lot of good while she was here and that her work saved many lives. Tell her those things and let her remember the good her daughter did."
Harry sat quietly thinking about Adam's words. A meeting with Ruth's mother wouldn't be easy but he felt he owed it to Ruth.
"I'll call her when we finish here," Harry said, signaling to Adam that this part of the conversation was over.
He hoped it wasn't too late to be calling. Nine in the evening certainly wasn't late by his standards but working in Section D meant that it was never too late or too early when it came to national security. After the third ring, heard a woman's voice on the other end, and he was struck by the familiarity of the voice. He knew it wasn't Ruth, but he hadn't counted on her mother's voice being so similar.
"Mrs. Bickley, this is Harry Pearce calling. I hope I've not called too late and disturbed you."
"Harry Pearce…" her voice trailed off as she tried to place the name.
"I worked with Ruth in London."
"Mr. Pearce, yes, of course. Thank you for calling. I was hoping for a chance to speak with you."
"I'm sorry that I've not been in contact sooner. I just returned to the country and my colleague Adam mentioned that you wanted to speak with me. I first want to pass on my condolences to you. Despite what happened, Ruth was a valued employee and someone I considered to be a friend."
"Thank you again. Ruth mentioned you quite often and I know she thought of you as a friend and held you in high regard as a boss, Mr. Pearce."
"Please, call me Harry. I was hoping that I could visit you tomorrow. I know its short notice, but…"
"Harry, it's fine. And please call me Elizabeth. I'm free tomorrow so what time should I expect you?"
"Will late morning be alright? Sometime after 11, I expect. I can call you when I'm out of the city."
"I'll see you then. I don't imagine you need my address or directions," she said, a smile evident in her voice.
Harry chuckled back. "No, I don't. I'll see you tomorrow."
As a member of the Security Services Harry was expected to show confidence regardless of the situation and after nearly 30 years he had gotten very good at hiding any nervousness he might be feeling during an operation. As he pulled up in front of Mrs. Bickley's home though, he found himself feeling a level of anxiety he'd experienced too often in the past few months, first with Ruth and Cotterdam and then Catherine and the bombing. Taking a deep breath, he exited the car and made his way to the front door. Before he had a chance to ring the bell the door opened and he found himself face to face with a woman who resembled Ruth.
"Mr. Pearce, welcome," Elizabeth said as she held open the door and extended her hand.
"Thank you, but please, call me Harry," he replied with a small smile as he grasped her hand with his own.
"Of course, and I'm Elizabeth. It's lovely to finally meet you. Come in," she said as she moved back into the house and guided him through to the kitchen.
Harry closed the door behind him and turned to follow her but stopped short a few steps later when a framed family photo on the wall caught his eye. A younger Elizabeth was standing next to a tall man with dark blonde hair and blue eyes. 'So that's where she got them from,' he thought to himself. Standing between the two was a young Ruth with a wide carefree smile and those blue eyes Harry had come to love.
"She was 10 there. It's the last family picture we had before her father passed away," Elizabeth said quietly.
Harry had been so caught up in the photo that he hadn't realized she was standing near him. He turned to her and caught the sad look on her face. First her husband died and now she thought that her daughter was gone as well.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't able to attend Ruth's memorial service. I wish I could have been there," Harry said.
Elizabeth nodded and started to move back towards the kitchen again. "Mr. Carter mentioned that you had a family emergency out of the country. I hope everything is alright."
Harry followed her and took a seat at the table in the sunny room. "My daughter was injured in a bombing in Lebanon. Thankfully I was able to find her and I stayed with her until she was well enough to return to the U.K."
"That's good to hear. Losing a child isn't anything I'd wish on a parent," she added softly. Realizing that she hadn't offered Harry any refreshment, she continued on. "Would you like some tea? I know I could use a cuppa."
Harry nodded. "Tea is fine, thank you." He paused, lost in a memory. "I was at Ruth's home shortly before her death, after a bad day in the office. I told her she needed sweet tea, as if that was a cure-all for what she'd been through that day. She commented that it was 'very English'." He managed a small smile as he remembered that morning, and thought of all the things he could have done differently and wondered if any of it would have made a difference.
"My first husband James was the tea drinker in our family. I enjoy a cup now and then, but James was a tea connoisseur. Ruth was always a daddy's girl and developed her love of tea from him, among other things," Elizabeth said with a hitch in her voice.
"I'm sorry, I certainly didn't intend for this visit to be difficult."
She shook her head gently and smiled. "No, I'm quite glad for your company. Your name was mentioned frequently when she talked about work and her friends. She obviously thought quite a lot of you."
Harry looked into his teacup, afraid that his true emotions for Ruth would be evident on his face. "Despite everything, Ruth was a valued employee and someone I came to consider as a friend. Her death has been difficult to accept."
Elizabeth nodded, but neither spoke. It was a few minutes before her voice broke through the silence. "I know that Ruth worked for MI-5, as an analyst for Section D. I signed the Official Secrets Act when Peter was selected to work in Royal Protection and again when Ruth made the move from GCHQ to MI-5. She told me she was simply an analyst and that I didn't have to worry, but I was worried for her; I'm her mother, it's what we do."
Harry smiled, knowing that he was the same way with his children.
"She never told me anything that she shouldn't have, of course. She did talk about her co-workers from time to time. She mentioned you, more and more so over the last year. She used to tell me about the pranks that Zaf and Adam would try and how she missed her friends Zoe and Sam after they moved on to different jobs."
Harry nodded. "When Ruth first started, my staff didn't quite know what to think of her. She was intelligent, that much was obvious, but she was a little different as well. Someone described her as 'bonkers but brilliant' and it didn't take long for her to become indispensable. I'm not sure how we managed before she arrived and now that she's gone..." Harry trailed off, unsure what he wanted to say next.
"I have to say, I was surprised when they told me that she committed suicide. Ruth... well she went through a period of depression when her dad died, we both did. James was my soul mate and Ruth was always a daddy's girl so we both were quite lost. I thought that sending her to boarding school would help her, to give her new challenges to take her mind off her dad but it was nearly two years before she really seemed to accept what happened and pull herself out of the depression. Since then, she's had times when she seemed a bit blue, but she was never suicidal." She paused to look at Harry, whose eyes never left her. "Was my daughter depressed? Because the last time I talked to her, just two weeks before she died, she was happy. She said she'd been on a date that went really well. She wouldn't tell me anything about him except that it was someone she'd known for several years but that she never thought he'd ever see her as more than a friend."
Harry again dropped his eyes to his cup, an internal debate raging within him. He suddenly wanted to tell Elizabeth the truth, that Ruth had sacrificed herself, but not in the way that had been reported. She'd sacrificed her life in England for him and that she'd been on a date with him. That Ruth was still the good and honorable daughter that she'd raised and loved. On the other hand, he'd only just met Mrs. Bickley. She didn't seem like the type to disregard the Official Secrets Act and start talking indiscriminately about what happened to Ruth, but all it would take was for word to get back to Mace and his associates and Ruth's freedom and her life could be at risk again.
"Harry, are you alright? Your face has gone quite pale," Elizabeth observed.
Putting a smile on his face, he said, "I'm fine, thank you. Can you tell me about Ruth as a child? She didn't talk about her childhood much but I imagine she was an extraordinary child."
Elizabeth laughed. "That's a good word to describe her. Ree was a bright girl who had no shortage of friends. She wasn't particularly athletic but she spent a lot of time riding bikes with her friends and swimming in the stream at a friend's house. I've said she was her father's daughter. He had a love of Arabic literature, which was instilled in him by his mother, who lived for a time in Saudi Arabia as a child. He knew the language and loved to teach Ruth and she absorbed it like a sponge. After her father died, I found a tutor for her so she could continue to learn the language. When she went to boarding school she started learning Latin and Greek as well as continuing her French, which she'd started in primary school. She had a real gift for languages and she felt like continuing with that was a tribute to her dad.
"Did you call her Ree? Was that a nickname?" Harry asked.
Elizabeth smiled. "I haven't called her that in years. Ree was her father's nickname for her; it's her initials you see. R, E, E, for Ruth Elizabeth Evershed. When James died, she asked me not to call her that anymore."
"Was it difficult for her when you remarried?"
"It was, but to her credit she wasn't a brat about it. David is a good man but our marriage isn't one based on passion. We were good friends with similar interests and decided that companionship was enough for us. David's wife passed away five years previous and he missed sharing his life with someone. His son Peter was two years older than Ruth and they got on alright, though they only saw each other during summer and on holidays."
"I know that Peter died a couple of years ago..." Harry trailed off when he remembered that Elizabeth believed Ruth died of suicide just like Peter.
"He had a hard time with Diana's death and nothing was the same afterwards. David and I tried to get him help but he never seemed to be able or even willing to try and get past her death. I often wondered if losing his mother at the same age that Diana's boys were when she died made it more difficult for him. He was very close to his mum, but his parents also had a good marriage."
"Sorry for the odd question, but I seem to remember that Peter's surname was Haig, and I thought your husband's surname was Shaw?"
"You're right. Peter's mother was Gillian Haig and she was an only child. When she married David she kept her name and her father asked her to consider, if she ever had a son, to give him the surname Haig to keep it alive. When Peter was born, David agreed to her request. David has several brothers who've all had boys, so the Shaw name was being continued. David isn't one to get hung up on family legacies and he knew it was important to Gillian."
"Ah, that makes sense. Speaking of your husband, is he around?"
Elizabeth shook her head. "He's a literature teacher at Cheltenham College but he's doing an exchange with another school in France this term. He was home on break shortly after Ruth passed away. He volunteered to stay home but I told him he should go back and finish the term so he'll be back next week. He checks in with me regularly and I have a small group of friends that have helped me through this time."
"That's good to hear."
After a pause, Elizabeth decided it was her turn to ask some questions. "Harry, you said that you considered Ruth to be a friend. Were you close or were you just close co-workers? She mentioned your name frequently over the past year."
Harry took a deep breath. "Ruth was one of my most trusted employees and I did consider her to be a good friend. As the Senior Analyst, she had to take in all the various information and boil it down to the salient details for me and the team to use and she was very, very good at her job. She was calm and collected under pressure and was well respected by her co-workers."
"If that was the case, why would she commit suicide? No one from the Security Services will give me a straight answer, and I'm not naive enough to expect that I will be given the whole truth, but in my heart I can't understand why she would commit suicide; it just wasn't in her nature."
The internal debate within Harry reared up once again. He didn't want to lie to Ruth's mother, but he wasn't convinced that telling her the truth would be better. Would it be better or just harder to know that your child was alive but living in exile and you would likely never see or hear from her again?
"I'm sorry that I can't share with you the details that led up to her decision, but I'll tell you want I can. Something came to Ruth's attention and she shared it with me. I didn't think it was a major issue but Ruth didn't let it be. As things progressed, Ruth took some actions that I didn't agree with and I believe she was trying to protect our section and me, but unfortunately the situation spiraled out of control more than anyone expected. I don't believe that it was an action that she took lightly and that she felt there was no other option. If I would've had the opportunity, I'd have done everything in my power to change her mind. I wish I'd have taken her seriously when she first came to me and that weighs heavily on my conscience." Harry took a deep breath. "Regardless of the events that led up to her death, Ruth was a fine officer and saved the lives of many people and prevented untold terror from taking place on British soil with her work. That's what we should remember about her."
Elizabeth looked at Harry with tears in her eyes. "Thank you for sharing that with me. I know my daughter was an honourable person. When I went to London for her service, I met with several of her co-workers, who were all very gracious and complimentary of Ruth and her work. They obviously thought highly of her."
Harry nodded, "Indeed they do... did." Harry settled his internal debate, but he needed a change of location before he could proceed. "I have a request that I hope you won't find too difficult."
Elizabeth simply nodded, indicating for Harry to continue.
"Will you take me to Ruth's gravesite? I'd like to see where she is buried and say a proper goodbye." Harry held his breath, unsure if his request was too much to ask.
Elizabeth took a deep breath. "Yes, I'll take you. I was planning to visit anyway. The cemetery manager rang me the other day to say that her headstone has been installed, so I may be a bit emotional."
Harry nodded. "Fair enough."
"Let me get my things."
Twenty minutes later, Harry put the car in park and took in the view before him. Despite the rows of headstone, it was a beautiful sight, with gentle hills and scattered trees. He and Elizabeth stepped out of the car and wordlessly he began to follow her through the stones. It was unseasonably warm today but he enjoyed the sun beating on his face.
It only took a few minutes, but Elizabeth slowed as she neared the gravesite. Matching her pace, he gave her space to approach the site first and take in the newly-placed stone. He watched as she knelt in the dry grass, her fingers tracing over the letters of Ruth's name. Harry glanced to the right of Ruth's stone and noticed it was the grave of her father. He thought Ruth would be happy to know that was her final resting place, at least as far as the rest of the world was concerned. He turned back to Elizabeth and realized she was calling his name.
"Would you like some time alone with her? I'm going to sit on this bench to give you some privacy."
Before Harry could respond, she stepped back and sat on a bench he hadn't noticed until now. He moved over and stood facing the stone, thankful that Ruth really wasn't beneath the ground at his feet. After a few minutes he stepped back and sat next to Elizabeth on the bench.
"The stone is lovely, don't you think? Ruth would've hated anything too fussy and this one is just like her father's."
Harry nodded as he looked for the right words to start this difficult conversation. "Elizabeth, I need to tell you something and I hope you will understand that what I'm about to tell you can never be shared with anyone, not even David."
She looked at Harry with a questioning look. "Are you going to tell me what really happened to my daughter? What she really was involved in?"
"Somewhat and it's not going to be easy for either of us. But before I start, I want to tell you who Ruth had dinner with that night, the night she told you about."
"You know him? Why didn't you say before?"
"It was me. I took your daughter out for dinner and it was the most wonderful date I've ever been on."
"You? But why wouldn't she... Did she die because of you? What did you get her involved in?" Elizabeth's voice was growing louder and Harry placed his hand on her forearm gently, hoping to quiet her.
"I will tell you what I can, I promise, but you have to know that I would never have done anything to put Ruth in danger. It started when Ruth witnessed the suicide of a man one morning on her way to work. He asked her to make change and then dashed off. When she found him on the crowded platform to give him the rest of his money, he jumped, right in front of a train and was killed. Ruth was in shock and she called me from the tube station, where I picked her up and took her back home."
Harry proceeded to tell Elizabeth the story of Mik Maudsley and how Ruth was convinced he was trying to pass a message to her and what was eventually discovered about the fire at Cotterdam. He left out some details, like Oliver Mace's name and what had transpired between the two of them, but otherwise he was telling her much of the full story.
"The next morning I received a call, telling me that a body had been pulled from the Thames and it was suspected to be Ruth's body. I was asked to come and provide identification."
"I wondered who did that. Selfishly I was glad that I didn't have to do that. I didn't want to remember her that way."
"I'm glad you didn't have to do it either, and you don't have to remember her that way." Harry paused as he glanced over at Elizabeth, noting the confusing settling on her face. "I wasn't completely truthful with you earlier, particularly about why I wanted to visit Ruth's gravesite. As I mentioned, the situation I've just told you about involved some unethical actions by particularly unethical people. I'm not convinced that they aren't still watching me, hoping to find something they can threaten me with to cooperate with their despicable actions."
"Why would they be watching you? You said these men were removed from the government, and Ruth killed herself over this whole mess. Isn't it over? I don't want to sully her final resting place with talk of these events," Elizabeth said, still confused.
"Elizabeth, I assure you, I would never do or say anything to sully Ruth's name. I wanted to come here so we could speak privately, so I could tell you what really happened, and to tell you," Harry took a deep breath, knowing that once these words passed his lips he couldn't take them back, "Ruth isn't dead. She didn't commit suicide and she's not buried in that grave in front of us."
As expected, Elizabeth reacted with a sharp intake of breath. But before she could speak, Harry started once again. "I will tell you more and answer your questions but please know that Ruth is fine. I saw her get on a boat and leave for France. I wanted to tell you this but above all I need to keep Ruth safe, so that's why I'm telling you here and not in your home, on the off-chance someone is watching you. Please, for the sake of your daughter and her safety, we need to continue to act as though she is buried before us."
Elizabeth openly cried as she rooted around in her handbag for a tissue. Harry handed her his handkerchief and gave her the time to work through her tears. After a few minutes, the sobs subsided. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess. You've brought me happy news and all I can do is cry."
"I'm sorry that you've had to go through any of this, but please know that Ruth's safety is my top priority and I will continue to do whatever is necessary to protect her."
Elizabeth nodded, showing that she understood. "Is she still in France? Would I be able to visit her?"
Harry shook his head. "I saw her off a month ago and I know the boat was headed for France, but that's all. I don't know under what name she is living or where she planned to go. I know this is going to be difficult because you can't contact her, but at least you know she is alive."
"To know that she isn't dead...I don't even know what to say. I'm thrilled and yet I may very well still never see her again." It was a few moments before she continued. "Harry, thank you for confiding in me. Ruth told me once that one of the things she admired about you was your integrity, the ability to make the hard choices that no one would ever want to have to make, and I can see that is true."
"I know this goes without saying, but you can't tell anyone, not even David. Never mind the Official Secrets Act, keeping this information secret could be the key to keeping Ruth alive and safe."
Elizabeth nodded her understanding before Harry continued. "If you like, once we get back to your home, I can check to see if there are any monitoring devices in your home that may have been placed there. I'd like to think that these men wouldn't go so far as to do that, but I don't want to compromise your safety any more than Ruth's. Will that be alright with you?"
"Yes, I think I would feel better if you did so." Elizabeth reached over and grasped Harry's left hand, which had been resting on the bench beside her. "Will you promise me something, Harry? That if you ever have contact with Ruth again you will tell her that I love her and hope that she is happy. As hard as it will be, I can live with never hearing from her again if it will keep her safe."
Harry nodded. "I promise. I wish I could tell you that I'd be speaking with her soon or that she could come home after a few months have passed, but I can't."
