Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
A/N: Edited slightly as of December 2015.
I don't know how my life ended up like this. I've been struggling for years but it really hit me today when Ron and I sent Rose off to Hogwarts for the first time. In a few years it will be Hugo's turn and then I fear I will be truly alone because my marriage to Ron is as good as over in my eyes. He probably suspects nothing though. I'm sure he thinks that everything's fine and that I'm just as happy as he is with our marriage. I'm not though and I haven't been for years. The children kept me going for a long time but now they're getting older and don't need me as much anymore. Now that Rose is gone, it will be be really hard for me to keep up this facade.
It made me so happy to be around her everyday, she reminds me so much of myself at that age. My baby boy Hugo is more like his father, always smiling and being mischievous. He's such a joy to be around. When he leaves for Hogwarts I'll have no one around to keep me happy and then all the cracks in my life will start to show.
When I was younger I had a vision of how my life would be and this is not what I had in mind. The wonderful children and the great career, yes. I wanted those and I have them. I just don't have everything else that I envisioned for myself. Least of all, not being in love with my own husband. Neither was being in love with someone else during my entire marriage or having that someone be Harry Potter, the best friend and brother-in-law of my husband.
He used to be my best friend once too but now we hardly speak to one another. Unlike a lot of things in my life though, I know exactly how that happened. We stopped talking because on the day he and Ginny announced their engagement, I realized I was in love with him. I knew that we could never be together, he was engaged and Ron and I were sure to be next. I was also sure he didn't feel the same way about me too, how could he? Not when he had someone as smart,beautiful and as athletic as Ginny in his life. Even if he had somehow returned my feelings,there was no way we would have done anything about it because we were both in committed relationships and it would just hurt everyone involved.
So I did the only thing I could, I kept my distance ad hoped that my feelings for him would disappear. I had no such luck, if anything, my feelings got stronger. I was at a point in my life where my every though revolved around him. I dreamed of him incessantly. I wanted him and that was never going to happen so I sank into a mini depression. Somehow no one seemed to notice except for him of course. He always noticed everything about me.
One night at the Burrow when we were all having dinner, I slipped away into the yard. He followed me and demanded to know why I looked so sad lately. I just made up some flimsy excuse about being stressed about work. I wasn't sad a all, I assured him. He didn't buy it but he dropped it at my insistence. After that I tried to cover up my depression as best as I could. A few months later, Ron proposed and I accepted because it was what everyone expected. Besides—he loved me and even though I wasn't in love with him anymore, I still loved him as a friend and he was the only one who stood a chance of making me even remotely happy.
Harry's wedding day was one of the most painful days of my life. I was the maid of honor and I stood right behind Ginny. I heard all the emotions in their voices as they spoke their vows and I saw the joy on his face up close. It killed me to be standing there, so close to everything. I cried softly through it all. When they were pronounced as husband and wife, something broke inside of me. I couldn't hold it in anymore and my soft cries turned into wracking sobs and big fat tears streamed down my face.. My shoulders burned and I couldn't breathe. It was one of the hardest moments in my life—to act like my tears were that of joy, to embrace them and offer my congratulations. I still don't know how I made it through the ceremony because all I could think was how I wished it was me he was marrying and not Ginny.
Everytime I saw them after that, knowing that they were joined for life, brought on wave after wave of endless grief. It was like seeing the thing you wanted most in the world dangled right in front of you but knowing that it belonged to someone else and knowing that you would never posses it. It hurt so damned much but I had to put on a brave face and move on with my life or else the obsession would have driven me insane.
I married Ron not long after that and my wedding day was the most difficult day of my life. I hated having to fake my excitement and happiness. I thought about running away a million times. Running away and never coming back. I couldn't do it though, Ron didn't deserve that. So in the end I wen through with it. Harry was Ron's best man and he stood right behind him and I had to fight the urge to look at him. I knew if I did I would lose my nerve. When it was over and everyone was offering their congratulations and he hugged me, I though I would die. What a twisted parody of my dreams. It was my wedding day, I was in a wedding dress, he was in a tuxedo and we were hugging. It could have been our wedding. My fantasy was so close in that moment but yet impossibly far. Later, during the reception when I was dancing with him, it was the same thing all over again. We were dancing at my wedding but not in the way I wanted. I had hoped the dance would end quickly and put me out of my misery but a part of me never wanted to let go of him.
Ron and I left for our honeymoon that same night. I was a god honeymoon considering everything that I had been feeling. I think it had to do with the fact that Harry wasn't there. I had known that it wouldn't last though because as soon as we went home and I saw him again, all my feelings would come rushing back with full force. When we got home it was a constant struggle to get through everyday. I didn't know how I could keep it up or how the pain could get any worse. I had my answer about how the pain could get worse a few months later when Ginny announced she was pregnant. I had felt like my whole world came crashing down around me. Wasn't it enough that she had him as her husband? Now she was going to have his child too.
I would have o watch as she grew bigger and see the love and excitement on his face. I knew how much he wanted a family and his dream was coming true and I had no part in it. I was just his sister-in-law now. We were barely even friends—the distance between us had already set in. I should have be happy about that, after all I did do everything in my power to avoid him. I realized I regretted pushing him away though because he would still have been my friend if I hadn't. A little bit of Harry in my life as a friend was better than no Harry at all. It would even be worth going through the anguish I would feel later.
The months went by and Ginny gave birth to James. We were all at St Mungos when it happened. I remember when Harry brought him out for everyone to see, the pride and happiness on his face shone through brightly. I found that despite the overwhelming sadness I felt at not being the mother of his child, I was still really happy for him. He deserved a perfect family of his own and now he had one. I loved babysitting James whenever they asked me to. Being around him made me aware of how much I wanted a baby of my own. When I approached Ron about it, he agreed enthusiastically. After a few months of trying, nothing happened and we were beginning to worry but then it finally happened. I could not believe it, I was going to be a mother! Everyone was of course really happy for us. A short while later Ginny announced she was pregnant again. It didn't bother me at a ll because I had my own beautiful baby to look forward to. The months flew by and I grew more and more excited. For the the firs time during my marriage,I was truly happy.
Rose's birth was a hectic event. We weren't expecting for another two weeks and Ron was away on business. I was at the Burrow, having dinner with the family when my water broke and I went into labor. The pain was intense and I was scared and Ron wasn't there and I was beyond confused. Harry was there and he took charge as usual. He picked me up and took me to St Mungos, followed by the rest of the family. I was admitted and taken to a room in the maternity ward. As I lay in the hospital bed, the pain got worse and worse and my screams became louder. There was Harry as always, holding my hand and comforting me. It was such an ironic situation, there he was helping me like I was his wife and it was his child. He was so sweet through the whole thing and it was like we were best friends again. I knew it wouldn't last but I didn't care. I had him with me and I was going to hold on to those memories forever. When the time of her birth arrived,the pain was excruciating. Harry griped my hand tightly and talked me through it. Then she came out and the firs time I saw her, she was in his arms. He handed her to me and I could have sworn I saw tears in his eyes. It seemed like we were a real family for that one moment.
She was so beautiful and she had her father's red hair. The sight of that Weasley red hair brought me back to reality and for a moment I was ashamed for wishing that Harry was her father. Holding her with him by my side was and still is the happiest and most perfect moment of my life. He took her out to met everyone and then Ron arrived. He was so happy when I saw him enter my room, holding Rose in his arms. Two days later, we took her home. I was a wonderful time in my life. I was overjoyed. For the first month, I was so happy and nothing could bring me down. Two months after Rose was born, Ginny gave birth to Albus. It seemed as if everything was perfect with our family and for a time that was true but as the freshness of a new baby wore off, things went back to normal for me. I loved my baby more than anything but it still wasn't enough to ease the pain pf loving Harry and not having him.
Life went on normally for years after that. I had Hugo and Ron was there for the birth this time. A few weeks later, Ginny had Lily. Those first months after Hugo;s birth was the last time I was blissfully happy and without a thought of Harry in my mind. It's been almost ten years since Hugo was born and even longer since I married Ron. I hate my self for being unhappy almost all of the time an for betraying by loving another man. The heart wants what the heart wants though and mine wants Harry.
After we got home from the train station, Ron went to work and Harry and Ginny took Lily and Hugo to the Burrow to visit Arthur and Molly. I am at home felling depressed as I am consumed by thoughts of Harry. It was definitely going to be a long few months until I would see Rose again at Christmas. It's only been a few hours and I miss her terribly already. I hear someone at the door and I get up to answer it. To my surprise, it's the one person I can't deal with right now. Harry Potter.
