Harry Potter and the Irrelevant Pot Plant

Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it, JK Rowling does. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here, I'd be off being a millionaire. Funny, that, ay? But I do own the irrelevant pot plant huggles pot plant and looks around suspiciously

Author's note: OK people this is my first (and quite possibly only) attempt at a parody. Lame jokes ahead. You have been warned. Prepare yourself for serious randomness. Oh, and this is on the book, not the movie


The Evil Conspiracy of the Owls

The Dursley family lived at number four Privet Drive. A very boring street address, just like them. Vernon and Petunia Dursley were basically Jack Sprat and his wife in reverse (that is, Petunia was the one who could eat no fat, and Vernon could eat no lean ... and obviously the whole gender thing was reversed ... and since Petunia did the cooking, one would suppose they both eat fat AND lean ... wait a sec ... slaps self across the face in an attempt to refrain from spending a whole chapter blabbering on about some nursery rhyme) ANYWAY the Dursleys had a son called Dudley. They also had a rather large pot plant out the front with red flowers on it, but that is irrelevant.

"Hey!" said Petunia. "Why do we have a pot plant? It wasn't there yesterday!"

"I dunno," said Baby Dudley, even though he couldn't talk yet. "Ask the author."

"Hey, author!" yelled Petunia. "WHAT IS WITH THE POT PLANT? WHY IS IT HERE??"

"Because," I said triumphantly. "It is irrelevant. And it fits in nicely with the title."

"But –" said Petunia, but then she had to stop talking because Vernon was sticking a fork in the toaster, and she needed to make sure it still worked. The toaster, not Vernon.

Being so boring and normal, the Dursleys led a very boring and normal life. In fact they were so boring and normal that they completely freaked out at anything that was not as boring and normal as them and their boring and normal lives. Which was why that, one day, when Vernon saw owls (yes, you heard right: actual, living, breathing, farting OWLS) he chucked a complete wobbly about how owls should not be out in the daytime. So Vernon goes off to work and cue scary music sees ANOTHER OWL. OH MY GOD. THE OWLS HAVE AN EVIL CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE AND WANT TO ANNIHILATE US ALL!! Of course, Vernon knew this and began a little hissy fit about how this shouldn't have happened - his Boring and Normal System™ was working overdrive trying to comprehend something as un-boring and un-normal as this. And to top it off people were going around wearing funny cloaks. Yes, again you all heard (or read, whatever) correctly: PEOPLE WERE WEARING CLOAKS IN FUNNY COLOURS. And since this was also not boring and normal, Vernon's hissy fit became even more hissy and his poor little Boring and Normal System™ completely conked out. And just when it started to recover, Vernon went out to buy a bun and one of these people in funny cloaks actually, physically bumped into him. Of course, it would bump into Vernon, the person who was quite possibly the MOST freaked out (and of course, the one who was one of the characters in this plot) and not some complete random. But never mind. And the people in funny cloaks (who probably had an alliance with the owls (who have a conspiracy to dominate the planet, and Mars while they're at it) and want to vote us all off the island one by one, eventually merging and finally having one sole survivor slaps self across face again … too much Survivor …) and the funny cloak people were whispering about 'the Potters' cue scary music which made Vernon's Boring and Normal System™ faint again.

He thought this might have something to do with Petunia's sister, but then remembered that Petunia didn't HAVE a sister AT ALL so it's quite amazing that Vernon thought of that if his wife had never even MENTIONED a sibling EVER. So he decided to blame it on the owls. And the people in the funny cloaks. And the bun he was eating. Because the shop assistant had given him one with poppy-seeds and he DIDN'T WANT THE BLOODY POPPY-SEEDS. But that is irrelevant.

Anyway, later that night as Vernon and Petunia lay in bed, Vernon could not sleep because for some scary reason the name Potter had freaked him out a bit. Even though Petunia had never mentioned a sister EVER much less one with a name like Potter, Vernon had this little niggly feeling it had some connection. Then he realised the little niggly feeling was Baby Dudley whacking him one across the face, even though he couldn't possibly have walked into the bedroom because HE COULDN'T WALK YET, unless he can do teleportation. But I doubt that.

"Hey Dad," said Baby Dudley (who couldn't talk, by the way). "Do you reckon that just maybe Mum's been lying about not having a sister and in fact she does have one who turned out to be a witch and went to Hogwarts and met this other wizard bloke called James Potter and then they ran off and got married and had a son called Harry and last night this evil wizard went to blow them up and now they're dead but Harry survived and that's why everyone's talking about the Potters and wearing funny cloaks? Oh, and there's a guy out the window talking to that cat sitting on the driveway."

"What?" said Vernon (who was really confused).

"Do you reckon that just maybe Mum's been lying about not having a sister and in fact she does have one who turned out to be a witch and went to Hogwarts and met this other wizard bloke called James Potter and then they ran off and got married and had a son called Harry and last night this evil wizard went to blow them up and now they're dead but Harry survived and that's why everyone's talking about the Potters and wearing funny cloaks? Oh, and there's a guy out the window talking to that cat sitting on the driveway," said Baby Dudley.

Vernon sat deep in thought for about twenty minutes, before saying "Nah."

"Suit yourself," said Baby Dudley, who then danced his way out of the room while singing 'Beautiful'.

And then Vernon went to sleep.