Title: That Which Lingers
Rating: PG
Summery: The years pass, Hikaru grows and seeks his answer. Sai's gone but his shadow remains. [ghost of a ghost]
Note: I don't own Hikaru no Go. Inspired by a panel in the manga.
That Which Lingers
At eleven Hikaru is lazy, selfish, and clueless. He plays soccer and fails tests. His mom cuts his allowance as punishment and he sneaks off to his grandpa's for treats after school. He's shorter than Akari and more energetic than anyone else around. He finds a go board in the attic of his grandparents house and meets his first ghost.
At twelve Hikaru enters Haze Junior High. He is a little bit arrogant and willful. He joins the Go club and he is still selfish, he doesn't want to see Touya until he can beat him. Sai watches over him with a childish demeanor and old-time wisdom.
At thirteen Hikaru walks into the Go Institute as an amateur and walks out as an Insei. He is overconfident and brash. He meets Waya and Isumi for the first time and sees them not but for stepping-stones towards his goal. His eyes look forward towards Touya.
At thirteen-and-a-half, Hikaru stumbles. He looks at Class One of the Insei Institute and fears for the first time, if he might not be able to make it. His eyes cloud over as he sees the distance between him and Touya clearly for the first time.
At fourteen Hikaru takes the pro exam. He is a bit nervous and confused but also determined. Sai stands by his side and he walks the first step into the world of pros, both taking it by storm.
At fourteen-and-a-bit Hikaru makes Akira finally turn to see him again. He is eager and resolute. The two boys are narrowing their sights until all they see is the each other. From above, unknown to him, Sai counts down the days until they will separate.
At halfway to fifteen Hikaru loses Sai. He is confused and stubborn. He goes searching from Tokyo to Hiroshima to Inno Island and back to Tokyo to where he started. He looks and looks and looks but finds no trace. He shouts to the Heavens and scours the Earth, but Sai is gone.
Fourteen-and-three-quarters Hikaru is faded. He is tired and it hurts. He tucks the goban and the go stones away in the corner. He stops going to games and the study group and the go salon. He stops playing with Waya and chasing after Touya. He stops smiling and even talking gets hard. He starts searching and crying and apologizing – he slowly crumbles from the inside out.
At fifteen Hikaru is playing go again. He is strong and unbending. His fingers dances across the goban and the stones form complicated patterns. From above he stares down into the universe he creates with his own hands and searches to connect the far past with the far future. He is going to make Ko YongHa eat his words.
Fifteen-and-a-half Hikaru plays and plays and plays. One game after another and another and another. He is sharp and focused. The Go world can't ignore his presence and those before him either tremble to fall or hold on tightly with everything they have. He is silent and serious in front of the goban and while the world looks at him, he looks within his Go.
At almost sixteen Hikaru cracks a little. Falls a little. The hole inside that he thought he had covered up is still wide open. He looks over his shoulder with a victorious smile to see the faces of surrounding pros. He opens the door to his empty room with ramblings of the day halfway out his mouth. He ponders the simple day-to-day life's confusing questions in his mind and pauses.
Sixteen-and-a-month Hikaru puts his career on hold. He packs his bag with a smile to his friends and a well thought out good-bye to his family. He goes off to travel with all the money he has saved up. He visits the shrines and temples and city attractions. He laughs and smiles and talks to himself. He sends postcards back to Tokyo and travels alone. He moves from place to place before anyone can catch up to him or contact him. He walks down the path and lets the loneliness seep in.
Nearing seventeen brings Hikaru to a standstill. He is travel worn and weary. He's seen the world and traveled to foreign places. He's tasted exotic foods and been chased after by beautiful women. He sits in a deserted cemetery at night in front of a grave with a goban and places stone after stone. Black. White. Black. White.
Black. White.
He plays games from long ago, games from memories, and games from what he wished could have been. His nails are worn down and bitten. His fingers are callous but sensitive. When his head bows lower and lower and he can't take it anymore, he tilts it back and screams.
"Why?" He stands and shouts at the Heavens. "Why did you take him away?"
At nearing seventeen going on a thousand, Hikaru is angry and bitter. The frustration churns like a ball of fire inside and the weight of failure crushes his shoulders. He finds the memories acid on his tongue because he never had something to hold onto and the emptiness won't go away.
"You gave me a soul!" He cries. "I took him in! He was a part of me! And you took him away!"
It's a few years down the road from where he started and when he started searching. There's a void inside of him he thought he could fill with enough time and care. There's a piece of him missing he thought he could someday replace or someday regrow. There are cracks on his person where Sai used to be and used to fill up. Now he's growing dry and turning into dust. The wind carries off pieces of him.
It's a few years down the line and the Heavens realize what they have done to him: unintentionally and unwittingly, but done all the same. He's on his hands and knees and tears running down his face. He reaches for the scattered black and white stones desperately. It starts to rain and he feels like drowning.
"If Sai's love for Go was enough to keep him here and Tarojiro's love was enough to anchor him again, then shouldn't my love for Sai have brought him back? Shouldn't his love for Go and me kept him here? Shouldn't love have been enough?"
It's a couple of years later than when he started but the Heavens finally give him an answer.
At seventeen Hikaru's hair is long and luscious. It reaches to his waist and a little beyond. He ties it with an elastic band below his shoulder blades and his features are soft and sharp. His eyes are clear and mouth delicate. His ears are pierced and adorned with ruby stones. When he walks it's with a grace like he's almost floating.
His family and friends who come to pick him up from the train station barely recognize this man at all as the one they know. They all stand uncertain as the youth approaches them. When he's in front of them, one hand holding the strap of the travel bag slung over his shoulder, hips tilted, wearing white pants and a black t-shirt with the number five in front; he smiles, and it is luminous.
. : the answer inside me is clear : .
