A/N: Hello everyone! I know that I've been saying that I had another Kames story in the works, and it's finally here! This story is the most mature story I've ever written. I'm also continuing trying out a different writing style. The writing style for this story will be similar to my style for Right In Front Of You. I'm just trying different things and trying to step out of my box a little. This is also my first M-rated story so I'm a little nervous to see how it'll turn out.
This is not the official first chapter. It's just a little prologue to introduce James so you can see his background and what he's dealing with. The first chapter will be uploaded right after this one so I hope you all enjoy!
Prologue
The rain falls hard as I drive back home. I'm a goddamn mess, and I can't get my head to stop tormenting me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me or why this is happening. I couldn't even force myself to sleep with her this time, and I was such a dick that I made her believe it was her fault. It was a shit thing to do, but I knew if I didn't embarrass her, she would go open her mouth to all her friends.
I pull up to my house and head inside. It's dark as I quietly make my way upstairs to my bedroom. Shutting my door, I lie down on my bed and stare at the fan on my ceiling making its rotations over and over.
How is this my life? I'm so twisted that the only reason that I felt tempted to sleep with that girl was because I knew Ryder had. I guess it was my sick way of trying to connect with him. I hate myself for doing what I did. I hate myself for so many reasons.
I grew up in church, going to Sunday school and Bible study camps. I believe in God, and was taught that this way of life is wrong. It isn't what He wants. It isn't what I want, but at the same time… it is. This shouldn't be happening to me. I've done all I can to force these thoughts and feelings away. I've pretty much slept with every girl in my graduating class at La Jolla High. Nothing is working though. In fact, it's only making everything that much worse.
Nobody knows. I'm not sure anyone ever will know. I've spent the last few years praying that this was just a phase, fighting the thoughts that skate around in my head. Pretending to be someone I'm not in an attempt to escape this sick person who lives inside me.
The only person I need right now, the only one who would listen and not judge me, is gone. I feel like God is punishing me for some reason. He took away the only one that could help me. The only one I could confide in. It's been almost two years since my brother Shane died. He was in the car with his girlfriend on prom night when an overly tired truck driver hit them head-on and killed them.
He was my best friend. We never went through any sibling rivalry and did everything together. Exploding mud pies with firecrackers when we were little, and later, learning to surf. Surfing was our thing. We would always go out early on Saturday mornings and stop at the In-N-Out Burger on the way home. Mom and Dad still haven't touched his room, and I'm not allowed to mention his name.
I miss him.
I miss everything about him, and now I need him more than ever. I need him to tell me it's okay, that I'm okay.
When I got my acceptance letter from the University Of Minnesota the other week, I knew it was where I was going to go. I need to get the hell out of California and away from everything I know. I need to free my mind of the constant taunting. I just need to be free to find myself. To figure this all out. To understand why, when I was making out with Sarah, all I could think about was Ryder.
I'm not gay. It's not me. I hate myself for even thinking that it could be. Just three more months before classes start at UoM. August is when I'll escape from here and finally get the headspace I need to work everything out. I hope…
Done! Like I said, this was just a short prologue to give you a little background info. And no, Sarah and Ryder will not be making an appearance in the story. They were only in this chapter.
This also won't be a religious story. I just wanted to emphasize and show how James was raised and why he's so conflicted. Next chapter (the first official chapter) will be longer and will introduce some familiar faces along with James meeting Kendall for the first time!
It will be uploaded shortly so I hope you all check it out!
-Epically Obsessed
