The sky. The wind. The trees. The flowers. It was all wrong.

Everything she was felt wrong without him, Cousland realised, not for the first time, but for the hundredth of thousandth time.

But she stood tall and she was the Commander of the Grey and she commanded because she had to. She would always have to. For him. Because he had given up everything so she could be something.

But I was something. I was everything when you were by my side. I was strong and I was almost whole, if only for a time.

How could she be whole again? When she saw the faces of her Wardens, she was reminded of those days. Those days during the Blight, by late-night-fires where there was laughter and babbling and merriment during a time that should have been one of darkness.

Through it all, he had been there. He had been there and he had known her and she had known him and they traded secrets and wants and everything.

They would talk about brothers. About family. Responsibilities, fears and hopes and dreams. Now, it was over.

But now it is over.

How silly she was for missing a time of such crisis. A time when the world had been crumbling and everything she'd known had been ripped from her. How silly she was for missing all of it. Every single damning second of it and she missed it because he was there.

But now he wasn't.

Her heart felt so hollow; her head felt so light.

Her laughs rang empty.

Everything felt so wrong and it would never feel right again because she always saw him. Everywhere she went, he was there, but he wasn't there. It was all lies.

Anders' jokes weren't the same; his eyes weren't the same. His hair wasn't the same. His air was too magical, too wrong.

Nathaniel rang too serious, hesitant, careful. His caution was his everything. His bow was his everything. Not her everything.

Oghren rang familiar; his company always welcome, but still not what she desired. What she wanted and needed was elsewhere, too far gone beyond her reach. How now she wished she was a mage; perhaps the Fade would grant her what she sought as it had before.

But she wasn't a mage; she was a warrior. She was a Warden. The Warden.

Commander of the Grey. The Hero of Fereldan.

Empty things that meant nothing, but meant everything because these titles were thrust upon her. Titles she despised, but could not spurn. Because his sacrifice meant her living. His sacrifice meant her life had to mean something.

She had to live for both of them now. A Cousland never spurned duty and though she was now Grey Warden, Commander, Hero, she was still much more than that. Because he had loved her and found her worthy enough to live. To get her third chance at life.

Even if she thought the world needed Alistair more.


A/N:

This was inspired by my first playthrough of Dragon Age: Origins in which I played as a Human Noble Rogue Female. She didn't get a happy ending, but I ended up playing as her well into Awakening. It didn't feel quite right without Alistair though. I still get sad thinking about it. I always thought Awakening Anders looked a lot like Alistair; it made me kind of uncomfortable at the time, so I imagine it makes Warden Cousland uncomfortable too, because there are quite a few similarities, I feel that Anders' personality mimics. Anders is one of my favourite characters ever, though, probably because of those early-on similarities.