I guess that when your world is falling apart, you don't really give a crap about anyone else's problems. Like the world's.
Dean's trying. He's trying so hard to stop it, to keep the world safe, to keep us both alive. But for what? So we can keep doing odd jobs all over the states, saving someone from dying of demons so they can die from cancer or a car crash?
I try to tell him that there's no point, we're all gonna die. And he just looks at me with those pleading eyes and tells me not to give up, that we're close to finding a way.
And sometimes I entertain realities where we do win. Where we make it through the apocalypse and everything is okay. I imagine that I go back to college or something while Dean goes back to Lisa and Ben. But I know that even if we do get through this, we're not gonna split up again. We'll never split if we get through this.
I'm not saying we will. Because that just gives me hope that quickly gets crushed. But I can't help but hope sometimes. Like those moments when Dean thinks he's finally found something and gets so excited. Or when Bobby starts to raise his finger and say he thinks he's found something. But they never find what we need. I never find what we need. Cas . . . well, Cas is Cas, and Cas enjoys looking at Dean's ass too much to worry.
When the idea of trying to throw off Lucifer comes to my mind, I don't shout it out and act like I've found the answer. I know better. I sit there and stare at the page of the book I've got and think it over.
Dean's pissed when I tell him my plan. Tells me that we'll find another way. And I throw back all the months we've been trying to find another goddamn way. Then he gets all upset and tells me he doesn't want to lose his brother again. I say the same.
For just a moment, we're normal brothers and we hug. For a moment, instead of facing two angels, we're like two soldiers going to war, saying we'd miss each other if the one died on the field. I know in that instant that he's given up a long time ago and is clinging to false hope. I know that one or both of us is not going to make it. But I guess that when your world's falling apart, you can't help but know things you'd rather not.
~Fini
A/N: I got bored, decided that I had to post this. Wrote 2/20/11
