This story is based on prominent parts and characters of the Harry Potter books but is quite AU. It ignores popular sentiments about certain relationships, and the time frame of all events has been shifted to be consistent with the chosen plot, not the books'. This fanfic will most likely contain an extramarital affair, death and other disturbing situations, and possibly an inappropriate relationship between a minor and an adult. You have been warned.

The Absence

by The Conqueror Worm

Chapter 1

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

-Norman Cousins

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Hermione Granger and her parents moved into Number 20 of Godric's Hollow in September. She was nine years old, precocious, and woefully more intelligent than most of her peers. Harry Potter, sadly, was not an exception to this fact.

"I don't like her," Harry whined to his mother, his green eyes peering over the top of the table where Lily was sitting. His eyes squinted behind his smudged glasses as his mother ruffled his unruly mop of hair. Lily frowned in response to his derision towards her affection, sad that Harry had grown away from her in the few months since his eighth birthday. Her mother had warned her that children were not to be expected to play the part of baby ducklings forever, but she had been hoping that Harry would wait to be independent until his teenage years. Well, as he was James Potter's child, it was to be expected.

"You don't have to like her, pumpkin," she consoled, bending down to catch his stubborn gaze. "But you do have to be nice. The Grangers are new to our neighbor—"

"But I don't like her!" Harry wailed, interrupting her stream of logic to adopt a new tone of hysteria. Lily sighed, muttering something along the lines of "like father, like son," which was ignored.

Before she could scold Harry for interrupting her, James Potter strolled into the room. "Oi!" he said, shocked at Harry's characteristic crying. "What's wrong, Harry?" He rushed over to easily scoop his son into a warm embrace, pretending to understand the muffled garble of complaints Harry was issuing into his shoulder. James failed to notice Lily's glare of impatience, directed at his soothing words. Standing, Lily stormed out of the room under the guise of washing her tea cup. In truth, she was actually trying to read Severus's latest letter, inviting her over for a spot of dueling, followed by work on his latest Potions' theory. Lily, who was not an idiot, knew not to let James even imagine the idea of Severus sending her letters, lest he decide she was receiving secret love letters. This was not wholly untrue. Severus did always insert at least one semi-kind sentiment in each letter, though Lily suspected it had less to do with sincerity and more to do with trying to pry her away from her precious family for a few hours. James could warp it no matter what Severus's intentions were.

James slamming into the kitchen door made Lily jump, though she managed to hastily stow the letter in her back pocket as she turned to face her husband. Goofily grinning, both James and Harry were staring at her expectantly. "We're hungry," they both said; James eyed the kitchen, obviously devoid of dinner. "Need a hand?" he said, insincerely.

Lily rolled her eyes. "You'll just have to make do on your own. I'm going over to Severus's for a few hours."

"At this hour?"

Her dead pan tone was lost on him. "It's only five o' clock, James."

"But we're hungry now!" Harry whined, close to tears again. Lily quelled him with a firm stare.

"Why are you going over to Snivellus's house?" James asked, acting oblivious to the whole exchange and Lily's tired, 'Don't call him that!' "Surely you'd rather stay here than spend time in his greasy hovel." Lily's glare did nothing to him; he continued staring suspiciously at her. His hazel eyes flickered toward her back pocket. Apparently, she had not been quick enough. Damn Quidditch reflexes…

Sighing, Lily waved her wand at the refrigerator, dousing them all in cold air as two frozen dinners sailed out of the freezer and landed on top of the stove with a thunk. The snap of the closing door and the absence of breeze left them in an icy silence. "I assume that you can read and understand directions by now, dear. Try not to set anything on fire. Have Harry in bed by nine tonight. He has a play date with Hermione in the morning." Lily's shoulders slumped with exhaustion as she finished rattling off a list she knew James had already forgotten. No matter how hard she tried to make him an equal partner, a responsible adult, he continued to be more of a hindrance to her goals than anything. For instance, he had yet to figure out any aspect of Muggle technology, and Lily had to constantly walk behind him, turning off the unused oven, throwing out spoiled milk because he had left the refrigerator open again

James frowned, interrupting her racing thoughts and mounting annoyance. "If he doesn't like this girl…"

"Too bad!" Lily shrieked, losing the last of her self-control. "Since when does liking or not liking someone matter to you?" The words hit James like a slap to the face. He hurriedly set Harry down and pointed him in the direction of the living room. Lily forced herself to look away from James' hurt expression—to not feel a sense of triumph anymore. Her green eyes met only the yellow kitchen tiles as she gripped the countertop behind her. It took too much effort to force the words out, but she did. "I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean that."

"Lily—"

"No, James. Let's just not, okay?" His shoes came closer, intruding on her sea of kitchen tiles. She pushed the feelings of annoyance and anger away. "Look, Harry needs to learn to play with children his own age, not just ours." James chuckled half-heartedly, as if she was joking. "I know Hermione is more mature and smarter than he is, but there will always be people like that. He needs to learn to deal with it and not be so rude about—"

He cut her off. "It's sort of like when we were in school, isn't it? One hating the other. You know…"

"Yes," she said quickly, forcefully pushing a lock of red hair behind her ear. "But I was Harry in this case. And to be honest, I don't think Hermione likes him any more than he likes her. But since they're the only children in Godric's Hollow..." This time, Lily didn't care enough to finish her sentence. Severus was waiting for her. "I'm going now. Cook dinner, bed by nine. I'll be back before midnight, okay?" Her edge of impatience slipped into the last word.

She felt James reach out before he ever actually touched her. His hand gently caught her chin, lifting it until their eyes met. He was nearly a foot taller than her, and even that fact annoyed her. "I love you," he said firmly, as if trying to destroy whatever emotion he imagined behind her blank stare. If it did not feel so much like another thing holding her down, she would feel happy to hear those words. But the knowledge that Severus was shorter than James—closer to her height—weighed so heavily on her lifted chin that she had to shake out of James's grasp.

"Dinner, then bed," she gasped, trying to act as if he had never said a word after her initial statement about visiting Severus. "I really have to leave now."

James muttered a goodbye, following her departure until he, now with Harry entangled around one leg, stood in the doorway, watching her Disapparate.

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Severus was waiting outside of his small, desolate home in Spinner's End when she turned onto his street twenty yards away. With a soft snort of amusement as Lily ran toward him, he threw his cigarette onto the stoop, crushing it with the toe of his black boot. "You're late," he muttered, barely loud enough for her to hear, and he walked into his somber "hovel," as James called it, closing the door with a soft click before Lily reached the stoop.

Lily stopped, staring at the closed door. Honestly, what was wrong with men today? She stormed up the crumbling stairs of Spinner's End, kicking the door with her tennis shoe so that the door rattled in its frame. "Sev, come on! Let me in; it's freezing." She thought she caught a slight ruffle of the window's curtain out of the corner of her eye, but knowing Severus, this seemed unlikely. She could picture him—just sitting in his rickety armchair, smirking over a cup of tea. Or more likely seething that he had to destroy a perfectly good cigarette just to punish her. Both images incited her further, and yanking her wand from her back pocket, she began casting every unlocking spell that came to mind. None worked.

"I've been inventing new spells lately," he quietly said from behind her. Lily shrieked, spinning around to point her wand at his face. He looked wraith-like under the light; the orange, fiery glow from the setting sun behind him accentuated the darkness of his clothes and hair. The corner of his mouth twitched, but his black eyes remained blank. "What is the first thing we learned in Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

"Constant vigilance," Lily grumbled, sulkily putting her wand away. She let her red hair fall across her face, hiding the flush of embarrassment tingeing her pale cheeks. "I don't suppose you'll show me any of your new spells?"

Severus surveyed her from between two curtains of dark hair. "No, I don't suppose I will. Maybe later—if you earn it," he appended when she frowned. "If we start the potion now, we can duel while it's boiling."

She stared over his shoulder at the darkening sky. The sun was no longer visible from Spinner's End. He seemed to guess the reason for her stare. "What? You can't stay out that late? Dear James won't let you stay at nasty little Snivellus's for more than an hour?"

"James doesn't own me," Lily snapped. She thought of Harry, home with his almost incompetent father. "But the baby…"

"Will be fine," he finished for her. "I grew up in the worst conditions possible for a child, and I'm fine." He noticed the brief flicker of disagreement on her face, though she had tried to stifle it. "It's only a few hours, Lily," he snapped, losing the slight amusement that had been in his eyes up until this point. "Surely, he'll survive, if nothing else. But if you'd rather go home than stay here, by all means…" He swept past her, the dark end of his robes fluttering against her jean-clad shins as he brushed past her. The lock clicked as he tapped it against the peeling paint of the wood.

Her hand shot out, clinging to the worn fabric of his sleeve. "No! I can stay. I'll stay if you want."

"'Want?' " Severus turned his head enough to stare coldly at her through one curtain of greasy hair. She felt her stomach sink as she realized the absence of true friendship and adoration in his gaze. She was nothing to him but James Potter's wife. "I don't want anything from you."

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Author's Note: I think it only fair to warn you all that I am in college, work part-time, and am working on an original novel, so updates may be slow and inconsistent for this story. That being said, I have written 6 chapters of this story so far, all about equal in length to this one, so you can expect those to be posted intermittently on a more reliable schedule. I appreciate all feedback; I'm equally complimented by things like Story/Author Alerts and Favorites as I am by brief reviews, so feel free to push me to update and tell me how I'm doing anyway you like. If you have a suggestion, question, or one thing you really enjoyed and would like to see more of, however, please do review or private message me. Thank you!