F: Psst, Rachel. Over here.
R: You called, your majesty?
F: Please don't mock me. It wasn't my idea.
R: It was Quinn's idea, and Quinn was your idea. So now it's yours. You own it.
F: Let's not argue. I've got a problem and I need your advice. Quinn's mother is gone for the weekend.
R: Most boys would consider that a golden, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, not a problem. Especially on prom night.
F: I'm not sure what to do.
R: Do you mean you're not sure what you ought to do, what you should do, what you want to do, or how to do it?
F: I know how to do it. I've done it.
R: I guess I asked for that. Oh, by the way, did Santana come?
F: What?
R: You heard me. Did she or didn't she?
F: How would I know? How does any guy know for sure? I didn't ask. She made noises.
R: And she's a lesbo and you can't be blamed if she didn't. But I suppose I can be blamed for never letting you rehearse properly. Anyway, how do you know Quinn wants to?
F: She's said things. She's done things. I'm pretty sure it's no coincidence her mother's gone tonight.
R: So what's the problem? She's gorgeous, you're handsome, neither of you is a virgin.
F: I don't know – now that the moment has arrived, the whole thing makes me nervous.
R: I know just how you feel. I've been nervous before big auditions.
F: This isn't an audition.
R: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Quinn told me about her plans for the two of you.
F: What plans?
R: She's a real estate agent, you run Burt's shop, 2.5 kids, picket fence, dog – you know, livin' large in Lima.
F: I never heard that. Audition? She's casting the part of her husband?
R: I'm just teasing you a little. I'm in a good mood. Jesse brought vodka in a flask and I've had some. He's a college boy showing off. I'm a high school girl keeping up.
F: You're not going to …
R: No, no, silly. But I am leading him on. My revenge will be a dish served hot and when I'm finished with him he'll wish he'd been eaten by a lion.
F: Well, okay, but be careful. You're more beautiful than ever tonight.
R: Yes, I know. Jesse, Sam, Puck, Mike, and Artie echoed your sentiments. The power is intoxicating. Or maybe it's just the vodka. But you have Quinn, and if all the lights in the gym were turned off everyone would still be able to see from the brightness of her glow.
F: Yes, I am lucky, I guess. But you still haven't answered my question: what should I do?
R: Fuck Quinn.
F: You don't need to swear.
R: I wasn't swearing, I was just telling you what to do. Fuck Quinn. I can't say it any more clearly.
F: You could have at least said 'make love to Quinn'.
R: I can't bring myself to utter those words.
F: You could have told me to have sex with Quinn.
R: That's too ambiguous these days. Who knows where it might have ended up. Fuck Quinn. Skip the foreplay, but don't forget the afterplay.
F: I'm surprised at you Rachel. And how can I be sure you're not pulling a Kurt and setting me up for failure?
R: Because you know I'm not Kurt and, for that matter, neither is Kurt any more.
F: Won't you hate me forever? You were furious after you found out about Santana.
R: That was because you didn't confess when I told you about Jesse and left me to suffer a public humiliation. And you crushed my dream of our first time being the first time for both of us. Now that you've done it, whether it's once or a hundred times doesn't matter so much. It's easier for me to deal with imagining you two having raw, animal sex for five minutes than the hours of cuddling and hickeys and endless yearning and aching that I had with you. And at least if we ever get back together, when we do it you'll know how to get it right.
F: Wow! There are times you can be scarier than Quinn. And she's been with Puck. He knows stuff.
R: Sex is not a competitive sport. Besides, you have something Puck never had.
F: No, I don't. I've seen him in the shower.
R: Et tu, Finn. I meant Quinn's love. I've seen it in her eyes and I know it's real. Is my boy scout prepared?
F: They're in my wallet.
R: Double them up.
F: Because one might break?
R: Because you might. Quinn needs to see fireworks before you do. The same advice was given to Yentl. It is a truth universally acknowledged. Jane Austen.
F: I thought Yentl was a Jewish girl played by Streisand and Austen was what you call a shikseh who wrote chick clit in England. I'm confused.
R: It's complicated. Just make sure it happens. And it's 'chick lit', like the gum, but either way you shouldn't chew it.
F: Why in the world are you telling me how to please Quinn? Why didn't you just hit me and storm off?
R: I need you to find out who you are and what you want, and to do it as soon as possible. You chose to be with Quinn now, when you could have had most of the girls in the school. You have to see it through with her once and for all and to do that you need to take it to the limit. You don't want to spend your life wondering 'what if?' and no woman would want you that way.
F: But what if I do as you say and I find out that I do love Quinn and we marry and live happily ever after? What about you?
R: I'll be either sadly happy or happily sad. But knowing you love Quinn will make it much easier for me to move on, because it will mean you and I could never have gone the distance.
F: I understand, I think. I really wish I could kiss you now.
R: I love you, too, my darling. Good luck.
R: Hey, Sam, let's dance.
