My first FMA fiction ever! I couldn't take it anymore, I've wanted to write a Full metal Alchemist fiction to my guts, so here I am!

This story will contain shounen ai later on, my writing style probably sucks and hope ya enjoy!

Disclaimer- I don't own nothing yet. But, I can snap my fingers that fire doesn't come out!

Chapter 1- The Chosen One

It was normal yet boring day at the State Alchemist Headquarters in Central. It was boring because no missions and no new alchemist yet. The phone rang in the office of Colonel Roy Mustang. He was doing his latest dozen of paperwork in boredom. He decided to answer the phone.

"Hello, Mustang speaking…" said Roy in boredom, like he was working in a fast food joint, taking a customer's order.

"Hello Mustang, long time no see."

The Flame Alchemist recognized the voice "Fuhrer King Bradley."

"How are you today?"

"Paperwork, sir. Nothing but the old paperwork routine today."

"Meaning bored?"

"Yes. Why are you calling, sir? You never call or come by in important military issues or rainy days."

"I'm calling because I'm about to give you a important mission, Mustang."

"How many state alchemist it takes for the mission, sir?"

"Is it a normal day, you're under the paperwork and you're bored?"

"Yes."

"Then no, just only you."

"I see. How important is this mission?"

Outside Roy's office…

A certain lime headed, wearing square glasses on his face and the state alchemist uniform, was on the phone. Well he was more like talking Fuhrer Bradley's accent.

"Let's just say that it has to do with your life, it's no ordinary mission and you'll thank me for the rest of your life."

"All right then. Tell me the mission and details." the one faking the Fuhrer snickered. But it wasn't heard because he covered his mouth with his hand.

"Listen very carefully. I'm not repeating one more time."

"…"

"Find. Yourself. A. Good. Wife!"

"Yes, sir-- What? Since when do you care about my sex life?" exclaimed Roy embarrassed and the lime headed snickered again a bit more louder, once again with his hand covering.

"…unless you're…MAES!"

"No Mustang! You're highly mistaken!" said Maes Hughes still maintaining the accent, regaining control. He got no reply.

"Hello? Mustang? Are you there? Where are you?"

"Right behind you." the Major turned around slowly, finding Roy still holding the phone with a vein popped up and a 'ready to snap my fingers on your ass' look on his face. Maes laughed nervously and spoke in his normal accent, keeping the cool.

"Oh hi Roy! You just caught me talking to Gracia and Elycia! Uh both send hi to you!" said Maes making up an excuse because he knows what would happen next if he doesn't save his sorry ass from Mustang: Mr. Snappy Fingers i.e. Mustang's fingers that when he snaps, fire snaps.

Maes talked now as he talked to his family on the phone. "Sorry I gotta go. See ya two later at home, luv you two! Buh byes!" he blew a kiss and hanged the phone up.

"Maes, I've heard enough. Don't pretend and you're not fooling me anymore."

"I wasn't I swear!" the Major begged to him so Roy would believe him.

"I'm not buying it."

"Do I look like I'm lying, Roy?" Maes said now with a halo appearing on his head, an angel look and those angelic tunes and background popped out of nowhere. Maes face turned into doom, the tunes and the background as soon as Roy showed him his 'ready to snap' fingers in front of his face.

"The truth now or feel the wrath of Mr. Snappy Fingers!" the Colonel snapped with his eyes burning in fury.

"Ok, ok, ok! You got me! I lied! But please keep Mr. Snappy Fingers from snapping and away from me!" cried the Major with tears flowing anime style.

The Flame Alchemist sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Why'd you do the prank call, Maes?"

"I did it cuz you need to chill out, man! You look like those workers in the fast food joint. Boring and lifeless!"

"And do I look like I needed the prank call for my therapy?"

"Yeah…" muttered Maes. As he saw him pulling out a hand away from his right pocket, he thought twice. "I mean no! Lighten up, will ya?"

"What are you talking about? I was going to pick up that quarter on the floor beside you," said Mustang pointing the item and Maes fell over.

Roy sighed and had a stressed look.

"What's wrong, Roy? You look stressed…" Hughes said with concern.

"1) Paperwork and 2) I still can't figure out how I can get a promotion to a higher rank this time…"

"Oh that. Did you tried sucking up and butt kissing?"

"Been there. Done that. Moved on." Mustang replied walking back to his office.

Maes followed him, giving him another suggestion. "What about cleaning his pool?"

"They don't have a pool, they have a beach." Roy said sitting in his chair desk.

"Oh yeah. If you were their beach boy, the shark probably eat ya." Mustang rolled his eyes. "What about--"

"Thanks for the ideas, Maes. But the only thing I can do for it is pray and do my job."

"All right. Sounds like another good safe choice. What'cha gonna do now?"

"Finish the paperwork…" he mumbled like there's no hope left.

"Ok. Later. I have things to take care as a Major" he turned to leave. Suddenly he stopped his tracks "Oh before I leave, I'm going to tell you one more thing as your friend, Roy." he said with a serious voice and look. Well he sounded more like a doctor about to give bad news to a patient.

The Flame Alchemist looked up to his old time friend. "I'm listening, Maes."

"Find yourself a good wife!"

"That's it!" he exclaimed growling and snapped his fingers at Maes. It was like an explosion that Maes went flying through Mustang's office roof. He screamed like a siren.

Outside headquarters…

"Hey what's that thing falling from the sky?" asked Cain Fuery, readjusting his thick glasses and pointing to the falling smoke screaming dot in the sky.

"Is a bird!" exclaimed Jean Havoc as he pointed.

"Is a plane!" exclaimed Vato Falman as he pointed.

"Is a flying omni with an alien inside!" exclaimed Heymans Breda with fear as he also pointed the dot.

"Is Superman!" exclaimed Alex Louis Armstrong, also pointing with the sparkles (tm) around his face.

"You're all wrong! That's Hughes!" exclaimed Riza Hawkeye as she pointed the falling-closing-in Maes, correcting the male soldiers.

"Hughes?" exclaimed the four men in astonishment.

The Major looked directly where he was gonna crash. He tried to stop the ground and screamed louder. He crashed to the ground like a speeding bullet, 25 feet away from Mustang's subordinates. Big amount of sweat drop formed to the back of their heads.

"Well let's not just stand here looking pretty! Let's go help him, slowpokes!" Hawkeye exclaimed now running to the crashed Major and they soon followed her.

Mustang's subordinates scooped their heads at the crashed and burned Maes, who looked like a burned crashed plane in mid air after the wrath snap of Mustang's ignition glove aka Mr. Snappy Fingers.

"Guys, what happened to Hughes to fly, crash and burn like that?" asked Fuery concerned and with curiosity. Exactly what I said…go figure.

"…Mr. Snappy Fingers…" said Hawkeye, Havoc, Falman and Armstrong in unison with a 'the fingers strike again' look and the 'Dun dun dun' sound can be heard in the background.

"AAAAH! Mr. Snappy Fingers was here!" exclaimed Breda with a fear voice and look, the 'Dun dun dun' sound again.

Fuery had a confused look and scratched his head "I don't get it…who's Mr. Snappy Fingers…?" the sound again. Ok, no more finger drama from here.

"Well Mr. Snappy Fingers is a nickname for Mustang's weapon and fingers, the ignition gloves, Fuery." explained Falman.

"We sometimes call Mustang either; Snapitty Fingers or that…" added Havoc.

"Dunno who came up with that…" said Breda scratching his head. Hey it was me! Wait they can't see me…

"Oh I see…no wonder. The name sounds catchy too."

"We should better take Hughes to the infirmary or things get ugly than it looks!" exclaimed Armstrong as if he was in a soap opera and the glitters--err sparkles sparkling his side of his face.

"Right, poor Hughes. We better take him there…" said Havoc kneeling, poked Maes a few times.

The Major fell, as he was a paper to the floor. He cried in pain…it sounded more like crying yodeling.

"…and quickly!" exclaimed everyone in unison and with that, Armstrong grabbed his right leg and Havoc the left one. Falman took his left arm and Breda his right one. Fuery took his head, the one in his face! They lift him.

"Let's go!"

"Aye aye, Hawkeye!"

After many series of crash events while walking or running, Hughes screaming yodeling in pain and agony, they finally made it. Good job soldiers!

An hour later back at Roy's office…

The Flame Alchemist was almost finishing his dozen of paperwork till the phone rang again.

He gave a exasperated sigh and picked up the phone. "Look Maes I know it's you! No more prank calls or Mr. Snappy Fingers will take care of this!"

"Wh-what are you talking about? Is that a way to receive the Fuhrer by phone, Mustang? I thought you were better than that!" this time it sounded like the real Fuhrer Bradley. Oooooh crap...

Roy had his eyes in dots, his jaw fully open, his forehead through his nose in blue of doomed and sweat drops and three lines ran to his head like a horse race "Oh crap…" like I said.

"Well? What do you have to say for yourself?" yelled the Fuhrer.

"My apologies sir! I thought you were someone else!" cried Roy begging.

"…Understood. However, you are lucky that I'm in a good mood today, if you do this again I'll lower your rank to the floor. The cleaning toilet crew!"

Roy gulped. "Yes sir! It won't happen again, sir!"

"Good."

Roy now talked normal. "Why is your cause to call, sir? A mission or…?"

"Not really. Since I'm feeling generous and in a good mood…I've been thinking about you and I'm about to give you the promotion of your lifetime. It's time that I promoted you to a higher rank, Mustang."

"Really?" Roy said it in joy and with sparkles on the sides of his face. He cleared his throat and talked seriously. "I mean really?"

"Yes, but you must do something to fully earn it first."

"I'm listening, sir."

'Thank you god! From now on, I'm going to church every Sunday! Now I can start the SKIRTS foundation! Amen to that!' thought the Flame Alchemist with tears of joy and the song Hallelujah played.

"Good listen carefully. You have 2 months to change a certain state alchemist."

"Who is it?" Roy said it with his voice full of curiosity.

"Guess who and why that person's needed to be changed. I'll give you a hint: she's or he's in your headquarters."

Roy thought for a minute, trying to figure out which person Bradley's talking about. "Hmm…Major Maes Hughes? Who's obsessed showing his family's pictures to everyone?"

"No, try again."

"First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye? Who's a tomboy?"

"Wrong."

"The Strong Arm Alchemist: Alex Louis Armstrong? Who got transferred here lately, always showing off his muscles and the annoying sparkles?"

"Still no."

"Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc? Who smokes or have a cigarette in his mouth all the time?"

"Not even close."

"Heymans Breda? Who always have a phobia for dogs and he's probably a physic?" (I forgot Breda's position in the army…)

"No…"

"Warrant Officer Vato Falman? Who seems to have his eyes glued with Crazy Glue?"

"Guess again."

"Master Sergeant Cain Fuery? Who's a wimp?"

"No and no."

Mustang sighed and sanked more to his chair. "I give up…"

"Do you?"

"Not yet. Me? Who needs to lighten up and find a wife?"

"That's your problem. No."

"I really give up this time…"

"You've forgotten one… but are you sure you've totally given up?"

"Absolutely. No matter who it is, I'm still up for the mission and my promotion. Just name the person, sir." said the Colonel with a determined voice.

"That's the spirit! The one I want you to change is…" and drum rolls sounded. "…Edward Elric. Why? I want you to make him forget his grudge against working with us and make him change his mind by being one of us."

"WH-WHAT? FULLMETAL?"

"Yes."

"THE FULLMETAL?"

"Don't make me repeat myself again, yes!"

"But what he's got to do with my promotion, sir? I just don't get it!"

"Let's just say that, the little paper from the fortune cookie told me the chosen one for your promotion's fate".

Roy's eye twitched and fell anime style with his feet up, twitching also.

"You mean you decided my way to get the promotion by consulting a fortune cookie? Why didn't you used the other fashioned way; a committee or something else?" he said going hysterical and paranoid.

"BECAUSE 1) QUIET, MUSTANG! 2) I'M YOUR BOSS! AND 3) I'M THE ONLY COMMITTEE FOR THE PROMOTIONS DEPARTMENT!"

"I-I see…"

"So now you know. If you want your quick promotion, you know what you have to do now until 2 months from now on, change Full metal. I'll come by to Central Headquarters by that time to see the change or you can kiss your promotion to Fuhrer goodbye."

"B-but but…"

"I'll be back." Bradley said it with the Terminator accent. "Oh and this call will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BOOM!"