OH, FOR THE LOVE OF

A FOOTBALL HEAD

by Carrot Top

PART 1:

CONFESSION

In yet another attempt to make Lila jealous, Arnold and Helga sat at a table together in the cafeteria. They were sitting close to each other, and drinking from the same glass of chocolate milk. Arnie and Lila were at a table nearby, and Arnold kept glancing over at them. Helga, however, was happy just where she was. She gazed at Arnold dreamily.

Oh, Arnold! she thought happily. These past few days have been bliss! How I wish you would forget about why we're doing this, and redirect your misguided affections to me! Forget about little miss perfect over there and notice the only girl who could love you just as you are, forever!

Arnold was still looking over at his cousin and Lila, and watched as she brought out a gift she had hidden under the table.

"Look, I got you a present!" Lila told Arnie excitedly.

Arnie had been looking behind him toward Arnold and Helga's table, and now he turned around. He glanced at the gift without much interest and turned around once more. Lila looked at him, slightly confused.

"Here, I'll open it for you." She unwrapped the package, and pulled out a chocolate candy bar. "It's french. I thought you might like reading the ingredients in a foreign language." Arnie turned his attention back to Lila.

"There's something I have to tell you." he said. Lila smiled slightly.

"Gosh, Arnie, whatever could it be?"

The smile dropped from her lips when she found out.

Meanwhile, back at their table, Helga and Arnold were finishing their milk. Arnold had decided that these little 'make Lila jealous' tricks weren't going to work, and was about to tell Helga it was time to call the whole thing off when his cousin walked over.

"Hey."

"Hey, Arnie."

"Could I talk to Helga alone for a minute?" Arnie asked. Helga frowned. What was HE doing over here? Arnold looked at his cousin and shrugged.

"Sure," he said, getting up. He walked over to Lila as Arnie took his seat. Helga turned her back on the pale football head.

"I broke up with Lila," he said and sniffed loudly. Helga's eyes grew wide and she turned to him, beginning to stand.

"You broke up with Lila?" she asked, amazed. "WHY?"

"Well, the thing is, I realized I have other feelings." he said.

"What kind of feelings?"

At the same time, Arnold was talking with Lila. She told him what had happened, and he stared at her in shock.

"He dumped you?" he asked, totally stunned. "Arnie? Dumped you?"

"Uh, huh." Lila was sitting with her head down, looking crushed.

"You're kidding." Arnold said, sitting where his cousin had sat only a moment ago.

"No Arnold, I'm ever so serious." Lila sighed as she sat with her head on her folded arms. She had never felt so sad. Arnold talked to her, and helped her see that maybe Arnie wasn't that 'oh so special someone' she had been looking for. She was feeling better and thanked him for helping. (Then she reminded him that she didn't like him like him, she just liked him.)

Helga, meanwhile, was having her own problems.

"Look, Arnie, you're talking in circles." she said, turning her back on him once again. "Spit it out! What the heck are you trying to say?"

"I love you." he said simply. Helga's eyes grew as big as dinner plates.

"Excuse me?" she asked, turning to him. Arnie looked at her, his half-lidded eyes full of honesty.

"I want us to spend every waking moment together." he was saying, as Helga sat stunned. "Let me tell you about myself. I like gum. And I like counting things. But most of all, I like gum. I also like reading the ingredients on food packages. It's kinda my hobby." He snorted. That snapped Helga out of her shock.

"Whoa, hold on a minute, bucko!" she scowled. "You love me? What is this, some kind of sick joke? I thought you loved Lila!" He shook his head.

"It's no joke, Helga. When I saw you and Arnold together, I got jealous. What I felt for Lila doesn't compare with what I feel for you." He took her hand gently. "I know you and Arnold aren't really going out, because he really likes Lila. I figure he talked you into acting like his girlfriend so he could make her jealous." Helga was speechless.

"But it didn't work because she doesn't like like him, she just likes him." he continued. "She said she's told him that a couple of times, but he still thinks she'll change her mind. I guess he can be kind of dense when it comes to girls." Helga smiled.

"Yeah, he is." she said quietly. She looked down and noticed he was still holding her hand and the smile dropped from her lips. She yanked her hand back and started wiping it with her napkin. "Anyway, what does this have to do with me? I'm nothing like little miss perfect."

"That's what draws me to you." he told her. "Lila's nice, but she can get kinda annoying after a while. She's so polite, and sweet, and charming that she's . . . well, boring. You say what's on your mind, and don't act all girly and silly when you're around other people." Helga was staring at him again. She had never heard anyone describe Lila as 'boring'.

"What I'm trying to say is, you're not afraid to be different. People don't pick on you or call you names or anything just because you're not like everyone else." He paused. "Everyone thinks I'm weird because I like to do strange things. That doesn't make me weird, that makes me different. I thought if anyone knew what it was like to be different, it would be you. If anyone could understand me, I thought you could." He was looking at her with hope on his pale face. She was shocked to discover she had no idea what to say to something like that. She couldn't think of a single insult or sarcastic remark.

"What do you think Helga?" he asked, still looking hopeful.

Helga's mind raced. She needed to do something quick, before this kid started talking again. For some reason she liked to listen to him talk. Maybe it was because he sounded so much like Arnold. Arnold! She had forgotten all about him! She quickly glanced over and saw him still sitting at the other table with a very disappointed look on his face as Lila walked away.

She must have laid that whole 'I like you, but I don't LIKE you like you' thing on him again, she thought, frowning. Oh, Arnold! When will you ever get it through your thick skull that she will never love you the way I do! Why can't you see through my rough exterior to the loving heart that beats within my chest, yearning for you? Why is it that even your weird cousin, who has been here not even a week, can see me for who I am, but you, who have known me for almost our ENTIRE LIVES, still cannot?

Arnie sat and watched Helga for a moment, then turned and looked in the direction she was staring. Arnold was sitting at the table, watching Lila. Arnie then turned back and studied the look in Helga's eyes and understood perfectly.

"Oh, I see." he said softly, regaining her attention. "You really like him, don't you?" She looked back at him, startled. Then she scowled and rolled her eyes.

"What, are you kidding?" she laughed nervously. "Me? Like Arnoldo? HA! Please."

"I saw the way you were looking at him, Helga. It's the same way he looks at Lila." He lowered his head. "The way I wish you'd look at me."

Helga softened. Arnie wasn't so bad, he just liked her. He had just realized that she doesn't like him back, and now he was hurting. Her heart went out to this little outcast. After all, she knew how it felt to have your heart broken by the one you love.

"Hey, don't take it so hard." she said gently, putting a hand on his shoulder (after making sure no one was paying any attention to them.) "I'm actually kinda flattered that you . . . you know." Knowing it was one thing. Saying it was another. "It's just that, well, I've . . . cared about your 'dense' cousin for a long time. A REALLY long time. And I just don't like you the way I like him."

"Even though he might never feel the same way for you?" Arnie asked. "Even though he has yet to get just the tiniest bit of a clue about girls, and I knew I loved you practically from the moment I laid eyes upon you?"

Helga sat back. This was getting a little creepy. It was all way too familiar. Could Arnie really feel the same way about her that she felt about Arnold? Helga shook her head to clear it. The time to be nice had passed. Now it was time to get tough.

"I don't think that's any of your business, football head." she said, scowling. Boy, it was weird calling someone other than Arnold that. "You have feelings for me, get over them. It wouldn't work out, because I'm Helga G. Pataki, and you're ARNIE!" She rose to leave, thought for a second, then leaned close to him. "And if you tell Arnold about my feelings for him, I'll grind you into the dirt!" she hissed. Arnie shook his head.

"I won't. But could I ask you a question?" She thought for a second.

"What?" she asked impatiently.

"Do you think you could like me if I was more like him?" This caught Helga by surprise. It was such an odd thing to say.

"Don't be dumb. I like him and that's all there is to it." she stated, and marched straight out the door.

Arnold had glanced over every now and then to check on Helga and Arnie, and when he saw her leave, he walked over and sat next to his cousin.

"Hey, Arnie?"

"What?"

"Why did you break up with Lila? I thought you two were getting along great." Arnie shrugged.

"She just wasn't my type, that's all." he said, looking after Helga.

"Oh. What were you talking to Helga about?" Arnie looked at Arnold for a second, then sighed and shook his head.

"Nothing. Did you talk to Lila?"

"Yeah, she was pretty upset. I guess she really liked you. It hurts when someone you really like doesn't really like you back."

"I know." Arnie said quietly, thinking about Helga.

Arnold looked at his cousin. He really hadn't given him a chance. Arnie had been here almost a week, and Arnold still knew very little about him. Sure he was a little odd, but wasn't everyone? Wouldn't someone say that living in a boarding house and being raised by your elderly grandparents was a little out of the ordinary? He decided to try and make it up to Arnie.

"Do you have plans for tonight, Arnie?" His pale cousin shook his head. "What do you say we go to the movies or something? Or we could rent a couple of videos. We haven't done anything together since you arrived, and I am kinda curious about my mom's side of the family. What do ya say?"

Arnie thought for a minute, and then something amazing happened. For the first time in the week he had been staying with Arnold, Arnie smiled. It lit his face and made him look completely different.

"Okay, I'd like that. Why don't we just talk? I've got some things I'd like to tell to you about." Now Arnold was smiling.

"Okay! We'll go up to my room after dinner." At the thought of dinner, Arnold frowned. "I'll see what I can do about the boarders not making fun of you."

"That's okay, I'm used to it."

"No, it's not okay. You're family, and no one is going to pick on a member of my family if I can help it."

"Thanks." Arnie said, smiling again. At that moment, the bell rang signalling the start of afternoon classes. The cousins looked at each other, and ran to their lockers together.

~End of Part 1~