AN: Series of more comedic ME3 k-meme fills.


Yo Momma's so Prothean

Prompt: Ancient Prothean data tablets that have captivated the imagination of asari for years turn out to be trivial/crude jokes.


When Shepard got home, she found Liara crowding Javik, gesturing at her data pad and speaking in a low, earnest voice. If Shepard had ever had any inkling that Liara might leave her for someone else, she might have been alarmed at this scene. Though if Liara left her for anyone, it would be for Javik.

No, this was a familiar sight now that the war had ended and Javik had put off his…eternal rest to write a book with the esteemed Dr. T'soni—always so smugly said, of course. (Esteemed Dr. T'soni of the primitive asari race who have come so far and are still so far behind, he always meant.) Shepard wondered what the topic was today as she stripped off her jacket and settled down on the couch. Shepard leaned her head back and just listened to the voice of her lover.

"I completely forgot to ask you about these Prothean data tablets. It's embarrassing, actually, since I spent nearly fifteen years of my undergraduate study with my adviser attempting to translate them. We got farther than anyone else towards deciphering its meaning."

Javik cleared his throat. He was silent for a beat. "And how long has your people been trying to translate this…Prothean mystery?"

"It was discovered eight thousand years ago. We unearthed a cipher of sorts only a few hundred years ago, which is why my adviser and I managed to translate what we did."

"Ah, and what did you deduce, Dr. T'soni?"

Shepard cracked open one eye. Javik's tone had been a little weird.

"This symbol here we managed to roughly translate to 'goddess'. We thought it might be a religious commandment at first. But then we cross-referenced to several other partially translated pieces and realized that this particular symbol was a possessive, casting its own properties upon the feminine symbol. We concluded it was actually a prayer, a prayer to the goddess."

Shepard wondered if Liara had offended Javik. His upper lip was twitching dramatically. "A prayer. Of course."

Liara waited a moment. "Well?" she finally asked. "Were we right?"

"The…interpretations were, perhaps a little…overzealous."

Liara frowned. She and Javik together studied the data pad. Liara's brow was furrowed; she concentrated as she studied the rendered picture of the artifact. Javik's normally placid face was undergoing twitches at a faster rate. Shepard sat up. Was it possible that Javik was trying not to laugh? Shepard reviewed the conversation, and her jaw dropped. A possessive referring to a maternal figure… "Oh, my god. It's a 'yo mama' joke, isn't it?"

That was all it took. Javik's mouth cracked open, and he bared his teeth in a fierce silent laugh. He tried to compose himself, but his lip continued to curl upward. "It says 'your mother is so fat…'"

Liara's face had taken a slightly disgusted look. "You're not serious."

"No, Dr. T'soni. I'm joking." Javik looked like he was about to have a seizure. His whole head began to shiver.

"What's the rest of the joke?" Shepard asked, hoping to ease the tense silence that emanated from Liara. Plus, she was a little curious.

"I'm afraid the punch-line, as you humans say, has been lost to the ages." Javik's lip began to twitch again. "What a travesty."

Liara's silently watched Javik for a few moments before her face took on a familiar haughty expression Shepard found reminiscent of Aria. "Primitive," she pronounced, turning on her heel and stalking out of the room.

Javik now looked like he'd tasted something unpleasant.

"Well," Shepard told him. "I thought it was funny."