draco's two true loves

a/n: for caesar's palace's worst contest. this is crack, so don't take anything that's written below seriously.


Blaise Zabini looked at his friend incredulously. Apparently Draco had a tough decision to make on which of his true loves he should pursue.

One of them was Harry Potter, the boy who lived.

The other was a green apple. Yes, you heard Blaise right. A green apple. Draco Malfoy loved both equally and dearly, but knew that he can't date two lovers at the same time.

"I know what I'll do!" declared Draco. "I'll give each of them a test and see which one is worthy of me!"

"...If the apple loses," grunted Crabbe. "Can I eat it?"

Theo Nott shot Crabbe a warning look. "You've done it now," he hissed.

Draco wailed loudly, a sound that rattled the entire Slytherin common room. "HE THREATENED TO EAT MY BABY! MY PRECIOUS APPLE!" The people in Slytherin looked at him, and looked away, as if it were a normal occurence. He clutched the green apple, kissing it more than forty times. "Don't worry, my love. I won't let any evil people touch you."

"This test," said Theo. "What will it include?"

"First," announced Draco, "I'll see how good they both taste." He paused for a moment, before putting his tongue to the apple. "Mmm. So far my love's winning."

"How're you going to see what Potter tastes like?" asked Blaise.

Draco's eyes glinted.

*one M rated night later*

"Huh. I think Potter's winning," said Draco, nonchalantly entering the Slytherin common room with hickeys all over his neck. "This is gonna be a tough decision. Where's my apple, Zabini? I told you to watch her for me while I go fuck Potter."

Blaise and Theo exchanged glances. They had a romantic moonlight picnic last night and the apple was currently in their bellies, realizing too late that Draco would kill them for it. Draco was right though. The apple did taste good. Despite the fact that Draco's been carrying it around for a year.

(They'd deal with the stomach virus later. Though it doesn't matter - Draco would kill them anyways.)

"Well, er, you see," said Theo, clearing his throat. "When Blaise woke up, the apple...disappeared."

"It's cheating on you with Ronald Weasley!" blurted out Blaise. "And Harry Potter. It's having a threesome!"

"WHAT?" shrieked Draco. "My love...my love would NEVER do that! Please, please, please, tell me it's not true! And Harry! Both my loves have left me! For fucking Ronald Weasley!"

"We would tell you it isn't true," chimed in Theo, "But we saw it with our own two eyes."

The thought of his apple and his Harry ditching him for a threesome with Ronald Weasley was just too much for Draco to bear! He died of shock then and there, in that very spot of the Slytherin common room. The Slytherins looked at Draco's prone body, and merely turned away to their own affairs.

"I feel bad," frowned Blaise. "If we'd just told him the truth -"

"Then he'd have killed us," snapped Theo. "And we are too good of a couple to die, Blaise! TOO GOOD! WE ARE TOO DAMN SEXY FOR DEATH!"

"You're right," said Blaise finally, and they both started snogging over their supposed best friend's dead body, not giving a care in the world.


please... R&R ?

-Ana