I never expected he would come back and change my life again. I was sure it was all over when his sister confirmed his death. His death was shocking, a mystery and a sick relief. I would never see him again and I was okay with that. I knew now that he couldn't change everything that I had worked so hard to maintain. I could now live my life and feel comfortable and protected. I was a mother and a wife and I could no longer let him haunt me. Maybe I was being a fool, or maybe I was a coward. No matter what I wouldn't let my life get out of control.
DECEMBER 13ST 2011
"Something came in the mail for you." Scott said, setting the mail that was for me on top of the kitchen table and giving me a quick peck on the cheek. "Mm dinner smells good, what all did you make?" Scott asked play sniffing at me while I took the baked chicken out of the oven.
"Your favorite baked chicken, mashed potatoes and corn." I replied playfully smacking him away and giving him a kiss on the lips.
"That sounds great, I'm going to wash up and get Thayer ready for dinner." He said kissing me on the lips again and going upstairs. After all the food was done I set up Thayer's high chair and the got the plates and the drinks ready and put the letter in my jacket pocket. It could wait.
"DINNERS READY!" I called washing my hands and sitting down at the kitchen table.
"Were coming!" Scott replied coming down stairs carrying our baby Thayer and setting him in his high chair and then sitting down at his chair to eat. "I'm starving, I feel like I haven't eaten in forever." Scott exclaimed taking a bite of mashed potatoes and smiling at me. "So, how was your day?"
"Fine, just graded papers enjoying winter break, what about you?" I asked getting up to stop a crying Thayer from spilling his corn and mashed potatoes all over the floor. After I got him to stop crying and he ate the rest of his food I sat down again returning to my dinner.
"I went to the publisher and turned in my manuscript." He replied taking a drink of his water.
"Oh that's good now they can stop pestering you about it." I said happily as Thayer started fussing and crying more than before. "Let me put him to bed; He must be tried because the babysitter said he didn't take his nap today. I sighed and gave Scott an apologetic look and a kiss on the lips and headed upstairs to Thayer's room. I laid him down in his crib and gave him his bottle and covered him in his blankets. When he did fall asleep. I took out the mail that was in my jacket pocket and looked and it and oddly enough it didn't have anything written on it except my name I opened it and looked inside and found a piece of paper. I took out the piece of paper and I couldn't believe what I read:
Amber,
I told you that you wouldn't know if I was alive or dead.
I held my breath as I took in that letter. How could he be alive? Jeanie told me he was dead…I was so sure…so sure. This couldn't be true this is a joke…A joke. I stuffed the letter back in my jacket pocket and ran downstairs into the kitchen.
"Well, well looks whose back." Scott said smiling and giving me an affectionate hug.
"Thanks!" I replied nervously as I went to pick up my dinner to throw it away; there was no way I could eat dinner, not while I was panicking. Not while everything could change.
"I'm going to go into my study so I can be ready to meet up with the editor." He gave me another hug and a kiss and went on his busy little way. I cleaned up the rest of the mess and felt completely out of it. I knew this wasn't right; something was off and the only person that would know for sure was Jeanie. I grabbed the cordless phone in the kitchen and anxiously dialed her number. After 10 rings she answered.
"He's not dead!" I exclaimed feeling like I was going to cry. How could she lie to me? Did he tell her to lie to me?
"Amber…look I-"
"No, you tell me right now if he's dead or alive!" I demanded on the verge of tears. "How could you lie to me Jeanie!" Suddenly, I felt myself starting to shake and I began silently crying as Jeanie said nothing. Then I heard a voice; It wasn't Jeanie's voice but it was clear it was a males.
"Amber, are you there?" The voice asked patiently waiting for me to speak again.
"Yes," I said wiping my tears away. I had to get answers no matter who it was.
"It's Thayer," At that moment the world stopped and I could feel myself losing control. I was speechless; I couldn't comprehend how this could be happening. It was almost like a sick dream. "You there?" He asked concern in his voice.
"Yes-Yes I am…Thayer I thought you were dead!" I stated almost crying again.
"I know, I know but…I got sick of being dead; you can't really do much when you are." He let out a chuckle and it sent chills down my spine. I had so many unanswered questions and he was the only one to answer them.
"How…How…" I stammered crying again.
"Look I've got to go…meet me at the movie theater tomorrow at noon and please don't be late. It's rude to keep the dead waiting. He said chuckling again and hanging up. I sat on the kitchen floor crying until I felt like the only thing I could do was take a shower and sleep. I was in disbelief and shock. I took a shower and got ready for bed feeling completely and totally numb. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.
DECEMBER 14TH 2011
I woke up to the sound of my alarm and reluctantly looked at the clock 9:00A.M. In 3 hours I would see him. I would finally know the truth and why he had did this. Maybe he had questions too but I couldn't bare to answer them. I sighed and rolled out of bed and was thankful that it was Saturday and Scott took Thayer to the babysitter on the way to meet his editor. I had to prepare myself. This was big and I was scared and excited. I got dressed and ate breakfast in a daze the hours seem to drag on forever as I kept glancing at the clock. I paced back in forth in the kitchen panicking and slowly loosing my mind. I tried watching TV and reading and writing but nothing could calm me down. It was clear things were going to change. When I finally looked at the clock for the 100th time it was 11: 45. It was time to meet him.
12:00PM
I looked anxiously into the movie theater to find him. Finally I spotted him standing by the bathrooms anxiously looking for me too. I took in a deep breath and walked over to him. When I got closer I couldn't believe my eyes. He was wearing blue jeans, boots and long sleeved shirt with a military jacket and a scarf. His hair was cut like it was when he joined the Mormon faith and his skin was still as pale as it ever was and he had grown. There was something so painfully beautiful about seeing him standing there. All the feelings that were buried deep inside of me came bursting out of every inch of my body and it scared me. No matter how much I wanted to run I couldn't, I had to see him. I forced myself to walk up to him. When he was right in front of me looking into my eyes my heart stopped and I felt myself melting and all I wanted him to do was hold me and maybe even kiss me. Anything that would make this all make sense. We stared at each other and then I started crying and fell into his arms and he held me in his arms and I knew right then what I wanted from him.
"Kiss me," I whispered. I knew I shouldn't have asked but that was the only thing that would save me from going into oblivion. He looked at me in shock, clearly questioning me but when I continued not to move and he looked in my eyes he knew I was serious. Then he did it. He kissed me and I have never felt so complete in my life. We kissed a couple of more times after that and then he held me once more and I found myself not writing it down but saying it.
"I love you."
