A/N: My first Spongebob story. I don't own any of it, and my goal is to create a Spongebob tale that is as good as the early days of Spongebob, or, at least, better than what we have now. (To be fair, though, "You're Fired, Spongebob" was great!")

It was a wonderful day in Bikini Bottom. Oh, look, there is Mr. Krabs, rummaging through people's trash cans. Hi, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs looked up. "Eh? What's that?" He tried to grab one more coin, but fell inside of the can and got stuck.

Oops...Well, the mailfish is going to be fired.

The mailfish started to cry. "They told me I was going to a meeting!"

Crud. Larry the Lobster is going to the gym.

Larry looked up. "Actually, I was going to go to my job at the beach, but you're right. Life's too short to waste with working and productivity. I'm going to go work out! WOO!" Meanwhile, Scooter flopped about in the ocean. "DUUUDES! High tide is coming Aggghhh! Not again…" His ghost started to angelically float into the sky...only to get stuck in high tide.

Nuts. Perhaps I should only stick to my narrating. In any case, Squidward has just gotten back from a relaxing vacation…

Squidward grinned proudly as he inspected his shiny grill. "Ah, yes, Squidy, old boy. Sniff the delectable scent of stainless steel and veal. Heh. Steel, veal. Rhyme."

Spongebob randomly popped up on his right side. "Hiya, Squidward! How was your trip?"

Patrick appeared on Squidward's right. "Did you have a nice fall?" He shoved Squidward into a path of thorns and started to laugh.

"Patrick!" Spongebob yelled. "That's not nice! I was trying to ask Squidward a question. Look, you got him all dirty!" He tried to pick Squidward up, but the angry squid pushed him aside and stood up by himself.

"Look," Squidward took several deep breaths. "I've just had an incredibly taxing, three-hour drive back from Bermuda. Do you know how hard it is to lie on your back and make sure that your bags aren't getting dragged in the dirt? Please, just please, let me have this one little scrap of time to myself. I need to relax. How about it, Spongebob? Patrick? Please?"

Spongebob and Patrick nodded and walked back to Spongebob's house. Once inside, they sat down on the floor and continued playing some board games.

"You know, Patrick, I feel really sorry for Squidward." Spongebob said. "Do you think there's anything we can do to help him?"

Patrick considered this question. "Well, Squidward has a history of anger-management issues and a violent temper. Obviously, he needs to experience something very therapeutic in order to calm him down."

Spongebob looked confused. "Patrick, I know where you're going with this! Pets are calming!" (Upstairs, Gary was gleefully destroying toilet paper.)

Patrick smiled and sniffed a game piece. "Who's Patrick?"

Precisely one half hour later, Squidward was merrily setting up more veal to grill. "Ah, yes. Burn my lovelies, and I can feast upon you. La-da-dee, la-da-dee, la-da-dee...Hello, Spongebob."

Spongebob and Patrick came walking up, each holding an enveloped card. They handed the cards to him and said, "For you, friend."

Squidward squinted angrily, but accepted the cards. "Let's see, here. 'The gift of peace, the gift of fun. What can help you more than a pet to cuddle and snuggle? For you, one day only, is Gary the Snail!' GARY?!"

Spongebob looked confused. "What's the matter, Squidward? You and Gary have been friends for years!"

Patrick nodded. "Yeah, remember that time he bit your leg? And that other time he bit your leg? And that other time he-"

Spongebob shushed Patrick. "No offense, Pat, but I think that's enough."

Patrick grumbled. "I was going to say 'face.'"

Squidward rubbed his forehead. "Look, I'm...grateful, but I'm not well-equipped to take care of a snail, even temporarily. Besides, I don't want Gary eating my meat." He turned to the barbecue, which was caked in snail gunk and grease. Gary sat nearby, joyfully munching on meat.

Squidward's face purpled. "Spongebob...Patrick...Please be so kind as to TAKE THAT SNAIL AWAY...before I commit a felony." They gulped and dragged the comfortable snail back to Spongebob's house.

Inside, they could hear Squidward flopping onto his bed crying.

Spongebob looked pensive. "Patrick, we have done something wrong today. A neighbor and friend of our has had their grill ruined and their meat eaten. Surely some members of Bikini Bottom, the greatest town in the world, have fine meats. Surely some of the members have creativity, ingenuity, skill- Enough to craft the finest working grill in the world. Patrick, we are going to band together and make Squidward a new barbecuing grill!"

Patrick looked bored. "Wouldn't it be easier to just buy him a new one?"

"Too late, I've already made the fliers!" That being said, Spongebob grabbed all of the fliers and stuffed them inside of the porous holes in his body. Then, he grabbed a megaphone and screamed, "TOWWWWWWWWWWN MEEEEEETING!" As he did so, he grunted and squeezed his head, making the fliers zoom straight into the greater parts of the town.

"Ow!" Old Man Jenkins moaned. "You nailed me in the neck…"

END PART ONE: This was originally intended to be a one-shot, but seeing as it is now three pages, I think I'll make a second installment. Look for it later today!