"You Drive Me Crazy"

By Moonie and Snark

Disclaimer: The authors do NOT own Darkwing Duck or its characters, and Moonie doesn't know how to dance the macarena. But don't worry, Snark will be sure to correct this. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If you cut the cheese, leave a comment.

And a big ol' "thank you" to our beta: Celey!

Chapter One:

"Cheese and Crackers"

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"Your heart is my piƱata."

~ Chuck Palahniuk

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"Buhahaha! Oh, Megsy, ain't that just rich? Hehehe!"

Laughter could be heard throughout the lighthouse of a certain electrical (self-proclaimed) genius. The city of Saint Canard, usually full of chaos or noise, was silent and peaceful. All that could be heard was the pitter-patter of rain. It seemed no devious daredevils were up to causing mischief on that rainy Sunday afternoon.

Especially not Megavolt.

"Oh, yeah. Standing outside in the pouring rain during a storm is the PERFECT place to admit your undying love! And sure! Shield her from the rain with that metal umbrella; I hope you like your girlfriends extra crispy," commented the electric rodent, a bray of mad laughter following it.

Beside him on a worn couch was his occasional partner in crime, the demented toymaker of St. Canard, Quackerjack. He, too, was caught in a bout of mad giggles. This cheesy romance movie they had decided to watch to pass away the rainy day had proven to be quite hilarious.

The mad mallard wiped away his own tears from his mirth, "Hehe! 'Martha, how could you ever think such a thing? That I could possibly have looked at any other woman but you? All I've ever noticed was you.'"

They threw back their heads as laughter exploded forth.

"But Tony! I'm just so insecure. I don't want to lose you! I'm so sorry Tony! Oh, what a fool I've been!" mocked Megavolt, in his best impression of a woman's voice. The two once again filled the lighthouse with their glee.

"'M-Martha'" Quackerjack squirmed and giggled some more, "'How could you be so damn stupid? You've had me at hello...' BUHAHAHA!"

"Oh Megsy, heh, who SAYS this stuff? Hehehe!"

Megavolt shrugged and cut his laugh short, causing him to snort.

"Paid actors with pretty faces and the acting skills of a tub of rubber cement?"

A twinkle seemed to appear in the jester's eyes as a crazy notion began to form.

"Heh. Ya know, Sparky, I bet WE could write a better romance than this junk."

Megs seemed to think this over for a bit before nodding.

"Yeah, we could! A couple of geniuses like us could definitely come up with something better than..." he searched for the DVD box, finding it half devoured by the hungry couch cushions and pulled it out to examine it. "Than 'Small Hearts in a Big City' ..." he finished, wrinkling his nose in dislike and drawing out the title as if it was a bad taste in his mouth. "I can see it now! A poor, lonely toaster oven, caught in a life-or-death battle, trying to sa-" A switch seemed to go off inside the rodent's frazzled mind, and he glared at the jester. "HEY! DON'T CALL ME SPARKY!"

The duck chortled a bit, amused by his friend's reaction. But he quickly pulled himself together and made himself serious... Or as serious as a guy in poofy pants and skittles vomit could be.

"Pfft! Of course YOU'D think of your appliances. Heh, but I was thinking of something along the lines of this: two villains. Just them against the world, and all they wanna do is have loads of fun. One is a devilishly handsome, fun guy who takes nothing seriously. His ol' palsy walsy is the weird, mad scientist type. And as time goes by, they realize each other is all they're ever gonna want or need."

Quackerjack paused and thought over what he just said, before breaking out into giggles again.

"Hahaha! Who am I kidding? That sounds just as corny. Hehe!"

Megavolt shook his head to clear out any thoughts of actually liking the duck's idea. It sounded brilliant! Or did it? The rodent gave a short, forced laugh.

"Yeah, Quacky. Geez, that's uh, terrible. In fact, if it were any cheesier, all of these crackers wouldn't have to go to waste," he replied, waving towards the open stack of crackers on the short end table in front of them. They had been heaped over with countless goodies, and now, they were mostly bare. After that he said nothing, staring at the lonely crackers. It was easy to tell his mind was far away again. Perhaps he was thinking about how sad it was that they were going to go stale and be thrown away. And perhaps not.

As the rodent went silently into his own world, so did the mallard into his. For some CRAZY reason, Quackerjack couldn't help but think the characters in his cheesy story plot sounded familiar. He tried to place why as he heard the the couple from the movie spew more "romantic" one-liners. Finally, it dawned on him. And he grinned widely from the thought of it.

"Heh. Hey, Megster... I think those characters I mentioned sound like us. Haha! What do ya know? What a slip! Can ya even imagine something as silly as that? Heh."

Megavolt jumped at the sound of Quackerjack's voice and looked at him as if he'd forgotten he was there. Then, slowly, recognition dawned on his face.

"What? Oh! Aheheeh, yeah, I guess the characters did sound a little like us, didn't they? That's just plain weird..." Megs pretended to be interested in the movie again, not daring to look too far into Quackerjack's suggestion. And for reasons unclear to him, he hoped it wouldn't be mentioned again.

Seeing the rodent's reaction gave the devious toymaker a hilarious idea for a joke. So, snuggling up closer to his friend, he fluttered his eyelashes and had his fingers walk up Megavolt's arms in a sultry manner. He held back his smile as he saw his companion grow a little uncomfortable.

"Oh, Megsy! How could you be such a fool? Don'tcha know you have always been the 'pop' in my lollipop? Heh. And that no one jumps my pogostick as well as you? You had me at 'Does this suit make my butt look big?' Hehehe!"

Megavolt yanked his arm away, placed both of his hands on the mallard's chest, and pushed him away, more-or-less back onto his side of the couch.

"Ohh, very funny. You're hilarious, Quackerjack," said Megs, trying to sound sarcastic and angry, which wasn't easy through the grin plastered across his own face. "You should audition for one of these sappy movies sometime!" he added, glancing at the credits rolling on the screen.

Quackerjack was still laughing at him. He grabbed the throw-pillow from behind him and lobbed it at the snickering jester. It hit home with a 'whump' sound.

"Oooo, abuse! You sure know how to turn a gal on!"

WHUMP!

"Heh. What'sa matter, Megsy-Wegsy, don'tcha wanna cuddle? Haha!"

WHUMP!

"Keep this up, and I'll have to take out my good ol' paddleball. Someone needs a good spank- OOF!"

Yet another pillow was thrown in Quackerjack's face. But this time it hit twice as hard and was much less amusing. He glared.

"Ooooooh, I'll have you know this means war!"

Something in the jester's narrowed eyes made Megavolt freeze in mid-throw as a wave of excited panic swept through his static-charged body. Quackerjack wasn't playing around anymore; Quackerjack was annoyed. Every available brain cell and nerve ending was telling him to RUN. The rodent leaped up and over the back of the couch but not before grabbing the three remaining throw-pillows on his side of the couch. The jester's quicker reflexes had him up and chasing after his friend, almost before Megs had landed. He ran, giggling, with his arms full of his own cotton-stuffed ammo.

"It's PLAAAAAAAAAYTIIIIIIIME!"

Thus, the two spent the rest of their afternoon stuck in war. As the rain continued to pour, the villains continued to run all about the lighthouse. Giggling and such, they were quick to forget what conversations had transpired.

But little did they know that their own cheesy romance was about to start...

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END OF CHAPTER ONE

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AN:

Snark: Hi. Hello. Salutations. Look at your man, now look at me. Look at your man, now back at me. Your man...and stay on me.

Moonie: This story is totally gay. Not that that's a bad thing. But if you do not wish for your stories be become so girly and gay, bathe your computer in holy water and Old Spice to manly it up.

Snark: Woah woah wooooah...when has Old Spice been anti-gay? Quacky LOVES Old Spice!

Moonie: Can manly men be gay, too?

Snark: I think so! Look at Bushy and Liqui! ...er, well, just look at Liquidator.

Moonie: .. Good point! Never mind then. Just enjoy the gay.

snark: i know *I* plan on it! Mmmhmm...Oh yeah, I'm so gonna eat you up wifey...I mean, what?

Moonie: Author's Notes over. Sexy times nao. kthanxbai.

Snark: Race you to the shower!