Hello scrubs and friends alike! I have but one exam left to go before I am a free man for another year, so I wanted to bring you the top secret project that I've been working on. It accidentally got leaked to some in the general public a few weeks back, so it's probably not the first time you're hearing about Project Beast (I didn't call it that, that was the people who read it and thought it was BEAST). Anyways, enjoy! My gift to the community. I'm home, baby.

-The Magician's Tail Chapter 2 will be coming within the week. -


DARK LOLS II: The Place Where the Sun Don't Shine: Part One - Welcome to Drangleic, Motherfuckers

"Go beyond death?"

Solaire, esteemed knight of Astora let loose with an over-exuberant chuckle that would - under normal circumstances - be considered rather unbecoming of him. The steelbook copy of Dark Souls II that he held in his hand bore the catchphrase right across the back of its casing - a blazing declaration of things to come.

"What a silly catchphrase!" he laughed. "If I did not know better, I would think that these casuals were not prepared to die at all. Hoo-hoo."

"What are you laughing about?"

The Crestfallen Warrior had decided to make one of his rare attempts at a conversation. Solaire wiped the tears from his eyes, and went over to him.

"It's this new game," he explained.

"Our replacement?" the Crestfallen asked him.

"The very same. Dark Souls Too. Miyazaki did not even supervise this one!"

The Crestfallen's eyes bulged with blood. "U wot, mate?"

"I speak the truth. You see, the game director is called Tanimura. Yui Tanimura."

The Warrior snorted. "Sounds like a scrub's name to me."

Solaire sniggered. "Still not as bad as 'Saulden.'"

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing. Anyhoo, should we have a go? We'll probably be able to beat it in three hours, and I've got time to kill anyways. You know, waiting for jolly co-operation and all that fun shit."

Whilst the Crestfallen set up the game, Solaire quietly took out his sun-soaked White Sign Soapstone. A tear squeezed its way out of his eye as he read the message upon its luminous yellow surface: 'Last Sunbr0 outing: 45 days ago.'

"What's this?" Crestfallen muttered snidely. "Is this menu music supposed to frighten me?"

The ominous choir/piano piece certainly conveyed a sense of foreboding, but Crestfallen simply laughed it off, and hit the start button.

"New Game," he read aloud, before an angered frown passed over him. "What the fuck...? Where's my character creation screen?"

Indeed, the screen had gone black, and the narrator had begun her cryptic storytelling.

"Do I have to play as a pre-set in this game? Lame." he whined.

'Perhaps you've seen it... Maybe in a dream... A murky, forgotten-'

Crestfallen hammered his fist upon the Start button, skipping the intro, and most of the story's background.

"Shut up," Crestfallen remarked. "Stupid old hag."

Solaire interjected. "I believe we should have watched that."

Crestfallen ignored him. "I'm here to die with absolutely no context whatsoever. If I wanted a story in my game, I'd play Kingdom Hearts."

Solaire Looked Skyward, amazed by his compatriots incompetence.

The game began with a figure robed in tatty clothing standing upon a pedestal in the middle of a field. The game declared the title of the area as 'Things Betwixt.'

"Controls are mostly the same..." Crestfallen reported, trying all the buttons on his scuffed Playstation pad. "Wait, how the fuck do I jump?"

Solaire Shrugged, and the Crestfallen began to steam. "I've pressed every fucking button! Why won't this fat dick jump?"

"Perhaps this game takes place in heavy gravity..?" Solaire suggested.

"Oh," Crestfallen said, pressing L3. "I've got it. Why would they change the controls? Fucking casuls."

The Crestfallen was shortly to eat his words, however. He had wandered straight into the gigantic butt cheeks of an enormous, mole like creature. Immediately, the creature sat on top of his face, crushing his characters skull into gloop instantaneously.

The screen darkened, and 'YOU DIED' blazed across the screen. The Crestfallen leapt to his feet, flipping his controller off of his lap and on to the floor. Shouting and cussing, he started to jump up and down on top of his PS3, kicking wires and causing worrying electrical feedback.

Solaire watched with bemusement as he unplugged the Playstation, then stabbed it through the core with his sword, destroying it instantly. Following this outburst, the Crestfallen ran off screaming and crying.

"Well, I guess he did die in the tutorial..." Solaire chuckled, fishing the disk out of the smouldering games console and plugging in his own Playstation.


- Two Hours Later -

"Praise the Sun!"

Solaire performed the gesture - very much the same beautiful pose it ever was - as he passed a message encouraging it upon the coastal cliffs of the beautiful Majula.

Lighting the nearby bonfire had been a much more streamlined process. "Now, you don't even need to rest at them..." he smiled. "Such an improvement."

Beaming with admiration for the graphical improvements and anticipation for an exciting adventure, Solaire headed towards the nearby tunnel.


- Thirty-Two Minutes Later -

"What the flying fuck!?" Solaire screamed. He had just witnessed his first death at the hands of the merciless Pursuer boss. Of course, he hadn't known it had been a boss at the time, for it had displayed no health bar. The real problem was, he'd crushed his last Lifegem as he'd been slayed.

Now, he had no healing items.

"Do I have to be a cleric just to progress in this game?" The Warrior of Sunlight fumed. "And why can't I wield the sword that I started the game with?"

Then came the icing on Solaire's salty cake. "Why is my health bar shorter?"

Sure enough, true to his eyes, Solaire's health bar was now missing a considerable chunk. This did nothing to console the Warrior of Sunlight, but he wasn't about to flip his sh*t just yet.


- Forty Four Minutes Later -

A smile crept upon Solaire's lips as the last of the Royal Swordsmen fell to their knees, choking on their own blood. The Warrior of Sunlight, now darkened beyond recognition by his compulsive gaming experience, laughed horribly as he slid the edge of his Broadsword against the enemy's throat, executing him mercilessly.

Ahead of him, a white fog gate glimmered and glistened in the dark hallway. Solaire allowed himself to come close to a sense of fulfilment as he tentatively pushed his hand through the swirling mists.

"That last boss was so nooby," he whispered. "Flexile... Sentry, was it? Hoo-hoo. More like Projectile Vomit, ahahahaha."

The laughter died immediately as Solaire passed through the fog and landed in the middle of a room, surrounded by three hulking, golden automatons.

Solaire's eyes widened. "Dear Lord Gwyn..."

The first of the trio - a dashing metal man wearing a golf hat atop his polished helmet and a corresponding bag slung over his shoulder - stepped forward, casually swinging his hammer near his feet.

"Name's Yahim," it proclaimed. "And dese are my brothers, Alessia and Ricce. But you can call us... Gank Squad II."

Ricce nudged Alessia and chuckled in a machine-like fashion. "This one looks like a right scrub, eh ma brotha?"

Alessia nodded in agreement. "Are you lost, little boy? Well, you came to the wrong Bastille, bitch."

Solaire took off his helmet as tears ran down his cheeks. "Please... don't kill me. I've only found one bonfire..."

"Too bad, hunnay," the decidely-camp Ricce chortled, raising his hammer in unison with his twin brothers. "Shoulda called for White Phantom Support."

Suddenly, just as Solaire's life began to flash before his eyes like a magnificent father emerging from a bathtub, the fog was penetrated once again. A lone figure dropped to the floor, and the Sentinels backed up in pure fear.

"Who ya gonna call?" Pilgrim Bellclaire ushered, turning and giving an invisible camera a wink.

The swag emanating from his words caused all three Sentinels to spontaneously melt into nothing. Bellclaire grinned, and even his teeth glittered with perfection.

"I guess you could say, that my arrival was... miraculous!" he said, soothing the Warrior of Sunlight right down to his yellow bones.

Solaire uttered a girlish squeal and fainted as Bellclaire raised one arm into the air and blasted upwards through the roof.


- 13 Minutes Later -

As Solaire rounded a corner, he was shocked to come face-to-face with a group of rotting undead. All of them were wearing various Solaire memoriabilia, including 'Praise the Sun' T-shirts and a placard that read "Please sign my 'altar of sunlight'", complete with a rather crude diagram of what he meant.

"Oh god," he whispered. "Groupies."

"Gimme a hug!" the crowd screamed, throwing themselves - explosion packs and all - at the Warrior of Sunlight and engulfing him in a cloud of love.


- 25 Minutes Later -

"Hey. Hey, you."

Solaire had not expected to hear such a soft voice emerging from the intimidating looking Penal Mask of his new opponent. The knight was momentarily taken off guard by his enemy's charm.

"Let me out of these handcuffs, and I'll show you a good time..."

Solaire swallowed. It was a tempting prospect after hours of repetitive cycles of death. To consent to the pleasures that a woman could bring - oh, if only he could be so grossly incandescent.

The apparently-imprisoned boss took a seductive step forward. "Oh, brave undead. When we're done tonight, you'll be just as much of a Sinner as I am..."

Solaire bowed his head, muttering. "Brethren before wenches," he reminded himself. "Cockblock before sunblock."

The Sinner tilted her head in mock disappointment, before rushing forward at blinding speed and impaling Solaire in the face.


- Thirty One Minutes Later -

The light shone as brightly as ever upon the beautiful town of Majula as Solaire, bound by the kinkiest chains imaginable after his visit to Sinners Rise, emerged from the Far Fire in a cloud of soot and ash. The Emerald Herald tutted as the Warrior of Sunlight made his way towards her.

"More Estus Shards?"

"That's right."

"So you can pimp out that Flask even more?"

"That's right."

The Herald's eye-lashed pupils narrowed, her lips curling in a spiteful manner, imparting her accusation. "Slut."

Solaire stared at her for a moment, before grabbing her by the arm, and tossing her down into the waves below. Only several moments after he had taken the action, did he express any kind of regret.

"Darn. Now I can't level up..."

"Hey!" Blacksmith Lenigrast shouted angrily. "Are ya going to open my fucking house, or not?"


- Eighteen Minutes Later -

"That smell! Oh, it is delightful!"

Solaire looked with bewilderment upon the grey cat in front of him that could not only talk in perfect English, but apparently liked his aroma.

"Well, shucks, that's just the rotting flesh," he informed the cat.

Shalquoir inhaled deeply, her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she partook in great pleasure. "Incredible... Here, have this ring so that you can go down that pit outside, die a couple more times, and have even more revolting skin!"

Solaire looked doubtful, but then simply shrugged. "Sure, OK."


- Literally Thirty Seconds Later -

Solaire missed the first wooden platform in the pit and fell to his death.


- Eight Minutes Later -

Feeling a stinging sensation upon the back of his neck, Solaire turned to investigate the source. Upon feeling his skin, he found it to be imbued with a disgusting green slime. However, he could see no possible place that it could have been ejected from.

Except a tiny little statue left lying on its side at the back of the room.

Solaire looked the stone figure straight in its dead eyes. The figure stared back lifelessly.

After a couple of minutes of the staring contest, Solaire gave up.

"Bah!" he cried. "You wineth this round, statue! But I'll be watching thou!"

As Solaire turned around, he felt yet another spray of poison hit him across his shoulder blades. He spun back immediately, his sword drawn and furious. But yet again, he found no menace.

Nothing but the statue.

"This place is messing with your mind, Solly," the Knight spluttered, trying desperately to convince himself. "There's nothing to be afraid of..."


- Nineteen Poison Sprays Later -

Solaire turned upon the statue, and decapitated it, causing a spate of poisonous green gunk to blast its way to freedom from the exposed neck hole.

The Warrior of Sunlight shook his head in disparagement. "So, it was you all along..."


- Fifty Minutes Later -

Solaire crushed the luminous orange butterfly into the tip of his torch, causing a volcanic spurt of light to explode from its tip.

Instantly, he spotted the army of statues that were arraying the entire layout of the Gulch, all spattered with familiar, phosphorescent goo.

Solaire tossed the torch away. "Fuck this, I'm out!" he decided, throwing himself down into the murky depths of the nearby abyss.


- Twenty One Minutes and Thirty Eight Poison Mosses later -

Solaire smelt the fumes the second he entered into the domain of the Rotten. The keeper of the Black Gulch had immersed himself in a room bursting with passionate flames. Perhaps as a way of warding away the darkness that inhabited his soul, or for giving a comforting warmth to the cold flesh that no 'one would ever love, or ever touch.

Or maybe it was because he was a pyromaniacal blob composed of writhing human body parts.

EDITOR VAATIVIDYA'S NOTE: FUCK YOU SOUFFLÉ. YOU CANT APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY OF THE SOULS UNIVERSE YOU MEANIE BASTARD. WAWAWA, NOTHING IN THE LORE ACTS WITHOUT AN EXTREMELY-COMPLICATED PURPOSE. I'M OUT. IM DONE. I'M MOVING TO - PEOPLE THERE WILL APPRECIATE ME!

"You..." the Rotten gurgled. "You've been desecrating my poison statues..."

"Yeah, those guys were dicks," Solaire said, naively expressing his truthful opinion in full disclosure.

"They are my waifus!" the gelatinous mass shrieked. "I crafted them myself!"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: ASOUFFLETOSERVETWO PRODUCTIONS DO NOT ENDORSE BIGOMY.

Solaire looked confused. "What use is a wife without love, compassion, understanding... or a flipping vagina! Come now, you could've added a vagina!"

The Rotten was still as it licked its lips in an unnerving, slow manner, implying more than could ever be conveyed through words. "Why do you think I gave them mouths? It certainly isn't so I can listen to them jabber on about their day! Hmph! Women..."

Solaire nodded. "Ain't that the truth."

Then, he seized a lightning spear, and tossed it towards the sexist boss.


- Sixty Eight Minutes Later -

The woman in the white gown smiled tenderly as she extended her greetings. "Ah, you are a man of faith! I shall offer you a fantastic opportunity. I will move this gate here around, so that you may pass through to your new destination. My pleasure, really."

Solaire put his hands on his hips. He couldn't believe his ears. "What a swell lady you are, madam. You, who is true of heart, committing acts of kindness and asking for nothing in return-"

"Yeah, 2000 souls," the woman interjected, holding her hand out in front of her.

Solaire looked skyward. Or, at least he would have, if such a gesture existed. Instead, he settled for the half-hearted Well What is It wannabe, Welcome.

"Alright," the warrior of sunlight sighed. "But this had better be worth it..."


- Four Minutes Later -

"Aaaaaah-choo!"

Solaire sneezed as the green, sparkly powder rained down upon his face. Seconds later, he was dead from blood poisoning.

The butterfly clutched to the ceiling giggled maniacally.


- Fifteen Minutes Later -

INVADED BY DARK SPIRIT XXCANNIBALSKULLCRUSHERXX

Solaire beamed. "Ah. Time for some jolly co-opera-"

The words died in his mouth as he was hit square in the chest by an immensely-powerful dark magic projectile. Instantly, he felt all of his hope and happiness burn away, along with most of his life. Drained, he collapsed onto his back.

As the darkness clouded around his vision, he saw a shadowy-red figure clad in the distinctive Jester set looming over him. The man stooped down next to Solaire to gently caress his cheek. He paused by his ear.

"Great Resonant Soul," he whispered soothingly, pausing only briefly to cackle menacingly before plunging his dagger into Solaire's neck.


- Eighteen Minutes Later -

After finally disposing of the despicable Greatsword-wielding phantom standing guard outside, Solaire was finally ready to challenge the Huntsman's Copse boss.

"What awaits me this time?" the Sunlight Warrior pondered aloud good-spiritedly. "Perhaps a giant warrior with a sword? Oh-ho ho."

Pushing through the misty vortex, Solaire walked into a long corridor. The ceiling was lined with intimidating instruments of torture, and several skeleton soldiers stood around aimlessly. It looked like the setting for an incredible, challenging, well-thought out battle.

All of that said, there was no boss in sight.

Then, Solaire heard the cries. Running around the edge of the arena, he spotted an utterly-tragic sight. A two-headed horse drawing a spiked chariot was clinging by only its hooves to the rim of a deep, dark chasm. The dual heads were arguing amongst themselves.

"You nitwit," the first head, a croaky-voiced female yelled. "You had one job. Steer the chariot across the hole. So, what have you gone and done?"

The second head, a youthful male, called out in protest. "Well, maybe if my co-pilot kept her eyes on the road, instead of that scantily-clad necromancer in the aisles, then maybe I could have flown this damn thing straight!"

"Your talking a load of shit, ya know that, Ernie? And you're making us look bad in front of the chosen undead!"

"Shut your snout, Bertha," Ernie spat, before looking at Solaire with embarrassment. "Hey, dude. Could you... could you... uh..."

Solaire nodded respectfully, placing his boot upon the steed's head, and kicking it into oblivion. As he watched the chariot fall into the darkness below, he heard the clunky machinations of the nearby portcullis. Turning, he spotted a skeleton bent-doubled by the lever, panting heavily as though out-of-breath.

"Sorry I'm late," it coughed.


- Thirty Six Minutes Later -

"What. The. Fuck. Is that?"

Solaire gazed upon his new opponent, the Covetous Demon, with utter bemusement, as the fat slug tried to heave itself towards him.

"Puny Jedi! Puny Jedi!" it rambled, nonsensically slurring its speech as it flopped its belly about pathetically.


- Seventy Three Minutes Later -

The sunlight streaming through the rooftop of the Iron Keep was so grossly incandescent, Solaire just HAD to stop and praise it. The view from the bridge was absolutely stunning. Nothing could ruin the moment.

Nothing.

Except a gigantic steel greatarrow.

Solaire barely had the chance to spurt obscenities as the Alonne Knight's destructive projectile plunged into his torso, and sent him cartwheeling into the simmering lava below.

The archer responsible for the dickish act watched the Knight fall to his demise with great interest. Satisfied beyond words, he removed his azure Alonne helmet, revealing a secondary helmet worn underneath. This helmet was silver, with curved horns and a distinctive shaped opening. Anyone who had played Dark Souls knew exactly what they were looking at it.

Fear itself.

The unveiled Anor Londo Archer laughed deeply, notching another arrow in his Dragonslayer (Alonne) Greatbow in anticipation of the next bozo undead to wander past.

"I love my fucking job!" he chortled giddily.

There could be no doubt as to the sincerity of his words.


- Six Minutes Later -

Once again, Solaire was faced with an imposing white vortex of fog. It could mean only one thing.

"Yay! Surprise unsurprising boss fight time!" the demoralised Warrior of Sunlight chirped unenthusiastically. "Well, it better not be a fire boss. You know, since you can only get fire-resistant gear when you're actually IN the fire place."

Solaire penetrated the fog.

"Fear me!" his new, flaming opponent cried. "For I am the Smelter Demon. Crusher of hope and puny bodies!"

Solaire just nodded, breathing harder and faster as he came to terms with his incredulity. "It's fine. It's fine. I can do this."

The Smelter Demon swung, completely missing Solaire.

"Oh-hoh! Perhaps the sword is greater than the mighty-"

The Smelter turned sharply, breaking the laws of mathematics and physics to deliver a slicing attack at an angle that should have broken its spine instantaneously if performed at such a speed.

Solaire died.

"That's okay," the Sunbro chuckled. "Dying once to a boss is perfectly natural. It doesn't make me a scrub! I'll get him next time."


- Thirty Eight Failed Smelter Demon Boss Fights Later -

"Fuck you!" Solaire squealed, throwing his controller at his television screen as the Smelter Demon pulverised his body with his flaming greatsword, then proceeded to teabag him.

"It's stupid that he can track your movements even after he's swung his sword! Fucking From Software. Fucking Tanimura. Fucking anus-faced boss. Fucking fucking fuck."

^ AUTHORS NOTE: THIS SPEECH IS BASED UPON AN ACTUAL RANT THAT I HAD WHILST FIGHTING THIS BOSS. YES, I'M A POTTY-MOUTHED MAN. BUT YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY, RIGHT?

When Solaire returned to the Smelter Demon for his fortieth attempt at the boss, he arrived to a perturbing sight. The Demon was pointing his enormous sword towards his gut, as though about to commit sudoko. Solaire was dumbfounded.

"What in the sun is going on?" he asked.

The Smelter Demon sniffed, the tears trying to flee his eye sockets being evaporated by his intense, radiating body heat. "I... I can't live with it anymore... I'm... I'm so ugly..."

Solaire resisted the urge to agree wholeheartedly with the Demon. "Aww, no, you're most definitely not."

"I am too. I'm... I'm done... I was created for the purpose of annoying people... I... I have no soul."

"You do," Solaire pointed out. "Soul of the Smelter Demon." He began to read the item description. "Soul of-"

"No! A REAL soul. A soul filled with goodwill and benevolence to all things."

Solaire coughed nervously. "Oh. Well..."

"It's over," The Demon said softly. "Time to prove to those up there that I'm not just a part of their game. I'm a living creature, independent from the malevolent programming that drove me. I am stronger than them!"

The sword pierced the Demon's stomach, and it evaporated into smoke and dust.

VICTORY ACHIEVED.

Solaire brushed away a tear, humbled by the significance of the moment. "It's finally over... Finally."

Then, an enormous, elongated great sword was thrust through the ground in front of him. A familiar face emerged and rose up from the centre of the arena, smiling callously.

"I'm back, bitch!" the Pursuer cried, much to Solaire's dismay.

The Warrior of Sunlight just stood there. "Are. You. Serious?"


- Nineteen Minutes Later -

"I like turtles!" Solaire laughed.

The Ironclad Knight remained stony-faced. "That's not funny."

AUTHORS NOTE: IT WASN'T. AND IT NEVER WAS.


- Thirty Five Minutes Later -

"Royal Rat Vanguard?"

The Warrior of Sunlight scratched his head in confusion as he read the new boss' health bar. "Where is it?"

Then, he looked around, and nearly jumped out of his armour in fright. An army of hideous, hairy fiends were approaching through gaps in the walls.

"Eek! Rats!" he shrieked, abandoning all illusions of chivalry and jumping onto the top of a nearby gravestone in fright. "Get away!"

Just then, there was a thumping, vibrating sound. The twenty rats that had piled into the boss room stood aside as an enormous, yellow headlight cut through the dim light. As Solaire watched, a huge motorcycle cruised through the crowds, ridden by a distinctly-gangster rat and his bimbo girlfriend.

"Stay here, sweet cheeks," the mohican-haired rodent told his girl, channelling fluent, cockney English. "Gotta take care a' business."

The rat hung his leather jacket and gold chain on the bike's handles, before leaping down in front of Solaire. Upon noticing the cowering knight, he extended a toothy smile. "You new, kid? I'm known as the Vanguard around here. I hope my boys didn't harm you. I want that pleasure for myself!"

Solaire didn't let his intimidation show. "You're the Vanguard?"

"Ye-huh."

"The Royal Rat Vanguard?"

"Sure thing, boss."

"Only you?"

"You don't catch on fast, d'ya?" The Vanguard taunted, sleekly curling a comb through his greasy locks. "Silly kid. I'm the boss. I'm the honcho. These guys ain't nothing without me!"

"Thanks. That's all I needed to know."

Solaire tossed a throwing dagger, impaling the malicious mammal straight between the eyes.

Instantaneously, the Royal Rat Vanguard health bar disappeared, and VICTORY ACHIEVED appeared.

The rat hordes stood around awkwardly for a few seconds, before one of them suddenly cried. "Run away!"

Solaire laughed as the rats turned and ran with their tails between their legs.

"Ah. And to think, I thought a rat-based boss battle could be difficult."


- Several Fog Walls later -

Solaire's sword cleaved through the last of the toxic rats, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Toxic is so OP," he muttered. "Ah, never mind. Now to continue throu-"

The ground shook behind Solaire, and a new tune started to play.

Wincing, he glanced behind him, just in time to be collided with and knocked flying. When the stars around his vision had retreated back into the night sky, he slowly looked up as an enormous opponent loomed over him.

"What... are you?" he asked, marvelling morbidly at how the incredibly-powerful creature had broken his body in just a single strike.

"I am The Authority," the monster boomed. "But you may call me by my development name... Project Buttrape."

Solaire gulped. "Dear gods..."

"Good thing there's a bonfire right outside. You're going to need it, bud."

Solaire's last thoughts were of the sun, as the Authority turned its back from him before crushing him underneath the one place where it would never shine.

END OF PART ONE.

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