A prayer of supplication
o0o
Being here, brings back conflicting memories, Lord,
And I am filled with joy and pain,
utterly amazed at how your grace has followed me thus far...
I am drowning in turmoil, Oh God,
And many times this week, I have felt close to tears.
I feel things that I shouldn't,
my body betrays me,
I seek out the attention of others, to fix me,
to heal this confusion and anxiety within me,
But I cannot get them to love me the way I desperately want them to...
And that's why I feel alone...
That's why I've been crying tear-marks across the sky,
Making the clouds black
and the rain fall.
Because no one really knows me, except You, Oh Lord,
No one sees me – not really.
And I am left with this great, jagged, galaxy-shaped hole in my chest,
As if someone's cut me from the inside out with paper scissors, and I'm bleeding slowly,
bloody paper-ribbons all over the place,
But no one even notices!
I just smile, put on my 'face' and they smile back,
probably secretly glad that I appear to be so 'stable,' so 'Christian,' so 'unphased,'
so they don't have to trouble themselves with all my conflicting emotions.
But underneath, I am a restless ocean, a simmering pot, a dam wall, over-filled and ready to
Burst.
How I want to be lost in Your beauty, until I don't have to feel anymore,
Until I don't have to hurt, or desire...
I feel too much Lord,
And things I shouldn't be feeling.
And it is slowly pulling me apart,
This agonising confusion inside me,
For what I long for, I can't have, and what I desire, is a sin.
And I ache, so deeply and profoundly that I don't know what to do!
And yet, being in this place, I find myself strangely comforted.
I am captured by You in these beautiful yellow leaves that frame the pale blue sky.
But even in their beauty they seem lonely,
As if Autumn has been too cruel to them,
as if they know that soon, their time will be up...
And so they break, spiral, tumble
and fall to the ground.
Why is it Lord, I feel so lost?
Why Lord? Why God?
Bring back to me the joy of my childhood,
Rejuvenate that feeling of wonder,
Of fairy-tale beginnings,
Where just for a moment with innocent hands, I could pull down the veil between worlds
And escape into that wonderful place where You resided,
as Lord over scratched elbows, singing crickets and grassy meadows.
Restore in me, my first love,
Romance me, like You used to when I was a child – through the wind,
And the leaves,
And the rain,
And sunlight on my pillow in the morning...
For I am in dire need of Your love right now.
And I desire...
But I desire to strongly,
And for all the wrong things!
Break the chains that bind me to this cold, spiralling darkness,
Lift me up out of myself,
Lift me above the loneliness,
the pain,
the disapproving 'Christian' eyes,
Lift me above duty and obligation,
And the façade of my 'day to day' life.
Be my family,
My strength, my peace
And my resting place.
Breathe into me joy and wonder, life and love!
And lead me to ways everlasting.
