Touka Koukan

By NocturnalFerri

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Hell, I wouldn't want to…; Let Kira handle that…

Misa was finally asleep, curled up against my side, one arm draped over my chest, her face nestled into the curve of my neck. My arm was around her shoulder, holding her to me, since I knew if I let go, she would wake up and start pouting. I wasn't blind to her affection. I knew it was there. I knew how to use it.

I knew how to kiss her so that she shut up. I knew how to caress her so that she carried out Judgment without a fuss. I knew the whispered sweet nothings that would keep her wobbly knee-ed and malleable for whatever I wanted. I knew exactly what the minimum amount of affection Misa required to be sated. The minimum amount that would keep her happy, useful, and out of my hair so I could work.

Misa shifted, her hand sliding down to rest on my stomach. I brushed a strand of hair from her face. A smile flitted against her lips, "Raito," she murmured. I knew she would vaguely remember the light touch tomorrow morning and would smile and giggle for it.

I knew exactly how to make her happy. She made me happy, by being Misa. By being my eyes. By being useful to me. By loving me, allowing me the freedom to use her as I wished without fear of treason. I loved her for that.

I loved her enough to want to keep her safe. I didn't want her to suffer. I wanted her to live in the world I was trying to create. I wanted her to be happy with what life she had left. I loved her enough to give her that. It was probably the only thing I've ever wanted to give someone without an ulterior motive.

I gave her smiles for a name. I gave her kisses for obedience. I gave her my affection to keep hers. I gave her my trust for hers. I gave her my family name to bind our loyalties. What was love if it was not a trade? Touka koukan. Equivalent trade. By giving her love to me, I gave her something I had never given before.

Misa moved again. He breathing was steady. Her eyes moved quickly beneath her eyelids. She was in a deep sleep, dreaming away. I lowered my head to hers, pressing my lips against the top of her head. Lightly. I was sure she wouldn't notice. I was sure it wouldn't add to the internal "Raito loves me" meter she probably kept in her head. But I did it anyway and no one would know.

I loved her in the only way I knew how to love. Her doses came in bucketfuls from a never ending source. Mine trickled out of cracks in a dam, the few I hadn't bothered to patch. But all of it went to Misa.