dean knew there was a emptiness in him, a distraught knowledge there would never be enough he could hold in his hands and bend out the span of the way the world was and could be.

maybe itself a void that was the like nature of will, want, a scrambling thing that could take in the entire universe and leave room for space between stars, and still not be full. he wanted everything, but knew it would not be enough...as much as had the void to fill.

so needing nothing was cool, it would never be enough.

But somehow the beating of life against him and bitter glimpses at great hope for simply barreling in headfirst into what could be out of what is... had given him at least purpose, glimmering vaporous something he never would grasp but could reach for.

but now the mark on his arm and the thought that he would never be cured, never go back from the twisting of his soul.

maybe it was just another scar on his mind flesh and soul, battle scars he knew he would collect, worth collecting because they signified a course overcome or at least that's what he could tell himself to quiet doubt or fear before.

dean wondered if there was a place for him in heaven or hell or purgatory, how hard any of those places would have to swallow to gulp down the weird he had made of himself.

a passing fiddling thought he wondered if he would bend against all rules of life and afterlife and ride the line between avenging ghost and soul consuming demibeast and devour and assimilate the souls wandering the earth out of the loop like him and create a new kind of monster.

but to what goal other than the struggle to live and exist and eek out meaning.

more of the same tune to a different beat.

dean sat in his room and looked at it, a mark itself of how far and strange his journey. he had a place of his own, a angel down the hallway that all but ripped out his eyes bloody for his cause and himself and a new insurmountable set to deal with.

but that really wasn't what had him down at the moment, his sore everything wondered if he was going to make it this time.

he was beginning to think that while he had flesh and bone he would 'give em hell' and fade into whatever was next. dean had supposed that his angel could and would pay him a visit, maybe stay by his side, in his corner of heaven, or his cell in hell, or as he flitted mad and free through purgatory.

for in his spin of life he at least had a few inside bits of knowledge and among them was that at least he would have this, it was a strange and vaporous thing to have assurance like that but it was real enough some distant assurance that if all went to literal hell he would still see his unicorn flitting in and out of the fog.

dean for a moment wondered if he died in that fight with Metatron and he was now just a moving thing filled with all of his own junk mail and no soul, like Sam had been once. dean knew that wasn't possible right because he had been his own demon, so his soul was there twisted up somehow, right?

he walked around his room, everything he had and the walls were a bit bare still, he liked the keen simplicity, the room asked for nothing of him and he made it uncomplicated. but there wasn't much he could do with it, it was there to be ripped apart or debauched or he could sleep, he could do anything to this room be any sort of wreck in it but the shaking of his entire being on the brink of something he was sure was too much would not be but another mess to clean.

rage or tears or wretched swirl were just pointless, but he could not find his center for smoothing over it all into a state of disassociation, for a moment dean wondered if he should call up Crowley and they could inject blood together and watch crank for the hell of it. the demon getting high and dean reassuring himself the demon in him was dead, something to do together as man and beast separated by the thin line of humanity dean wondered if was changing back just as fast as the blood of his first cleansing from demon was pushed out of his system, maybe he needed a touch up.

there was no comfort here. dean found himself walking down the hall to the room Cas had chosen to take it was empty, no doubt his brother and Cas talking about deans prognoses and the death of Cain. but dean solemnly grabbed a pillow off Cas bed and flopped down and cried and screamed and hoped he would get it all out before he was found, not particularly in the habit of public pity parties or slumping off into utter wreckage for all to see he felt his disassociation from himself watch half sad and amused at the lump of a man sobbing into his angels pillow.

he didn't want to burden anyone anymore than he already did, and certainly did not want to scare Cas about the underlying terror of dying apart and the terrifying unknown stripped of promise. but honestly he didn't want to admit he was scared enough to freak out this hard.

dean wakes with a start, feeling dumb and pulls his hand across his face in a face palm of shame for being in Cas's room. the pillow below him still damp and his stomach threatens to lose its contents dean feels like he has a hangover and he hasn't even drank.

he wonders after all this stress why he never got a ulcer, maybe he is getting one now. " you looked like you needed the sleep" intoned a bass from the other side of the room. deans struggle with his stomach plus the revelation of being caught and the spin of lies or platitudes and excuses that must be quickly sorted and sent to his lips all spun down into a simple nausea and he headed to the bathroom with a desperate speed. An after tang of blood left him wondering if the mark really was changing him again or if he was getting a ulcer.

" I'll clean that up" he noted to the angel in the doorway greenly taking in his poor aim at the toilet. dean rested his head on his knees from his spot on the floor and willed the world and his mind to stop spinning. he tried for a moment to think of positive things, like fat Labrador puppies or free car parts made of chrome something so as to stave off another wave of the heaves threatening.

Cas had said something a moment ago and dean could not for the life of him remember or respond, caught up in a swirly fight against mind and body and will. he felt something taping his arm and looked up to see Cas offering him a glass of water. dean took it and pressed it to his forehead to cool his oncoming headache.

then tried to sip at it, he needed to brush his teeth the taste was bile. " hey Cas" dean looked up at the angel caught somewhere between man and immortal, inverse from his own struggle Cas becoming frailer and enriched by it. rather than becoming immortal and tainted by it. " I want to save you, Im going to" and if that was just for the selfish wrenching of hope from causality dean was just as ok with that as any other means to a greater end. a purpose to center himself on again maybe, dean needed a target a direction a thing to narrow himself down into focus on.

"your delirious, have you eaten something bad or drank too much?" the gravel from the doorway intoned. dean laughed, and could not stop until he was forced to wretch again.

once empty Cas helped the gasping dean to his bed. dean for the most part shaky and on the edge of physical or mental breakdown, he was unfamiliar with the symptoms of full on panic attack because his walls were well built. they were crashing.

" Cas what about you possess me maybe there is some of your grace left from when you healed me to life after hell? maybe that will give you a boost" "or maybe when I'm a demon again I possess you and keep you alive after your grace is gone till we find out how to save you?" " what about if you recharged on the residual grace left in vessels after the angels left?" "or we could..."

Cas had put his hand over deans mouth, and leaned in a look that even without their connection would have said shut up on his face. dean appreciated the panic and spinning room and his outer silence did not stop his inner world from panicky jump from one thing to the next. a passing wisp of thought reminded him that he was in Cas's room still, and dean felt low for the silliness of it. another passing wisp noted to himself he should never do speed if he was even capable of panic this big, having fiddled with the idea once of it dealing with a beast of supernatural reflex. dean gasped for air and found his throat closed off in panic his lungs impotent to air and tried to strain his will to calm because he could not even fucking breath!

Dean curled into a ball arms crossed his hands cluthing at his ribs. Forcing himself to focus on anything dean looked at Cas now sitting on the edge of his bed looking off into the space just above himself incapable of knocking dean unconscious with his abilities anything short of actually knocking dean out with his fists. Castile weighed the option, would it be the better thing to do for the distressed dean?

dean himself ungracefully skootched himself to cas and hugged him. Cas for his part looked slightly relived and held deans wrist on his shoulder. Eventually deans panic attack lessened, at least he could draw breath again. and as he pulled himself back together his conventions and intellect returning he held onto his angel his head resting on the shoulder still even against his own judgment if only for the fact that he could, and already was. Cas still holding dean by the wrist turned out of the embrace and set his other hand on deans shoulder pushing him back into the bed.

" dude I've got a headache" dean said with a unsure eyebrow quirk, then pressed his lips together wondering how Cas had become so pop culture literate now he might understand the quip. " your on my bed and we both need sleep." Cas crawled further onto the bed, which was over dean and grabbed a pillow and unceremoniously lifted deans confused head and put the pillow under it and flopped beside dean and threw a pillow next to him and put a arm over dean and snuggled in comfortably. the aquard of any given situation was as usual fully taken up by Cas and what dean assumed was a terminal case of out of the loop on convention. dean looked at the ceiling and decided if he wasn't going to get eternity with his angel he would enjoy whatever he got, and for the most part, right now even as he thought it a sick knot curled in his stomach and a tightness griped his throat, he did not want to be alone.

Dean gasped a sob back in his throat and held it clenched in his teeth as it tried to esacpe them anyway his whole frame shook with the effort. Cas poked deans side "relax" cas rolled a thumb against deans shirt reassuringly and buried his face in the space between deans shoulder and pillow his voice muffled cas said something about relaxing and comfort.

but half a hour later Cas was snoring and dean was awake still. he got up and cleaned the mess in the bathroom and took a shower and went to his room and considered the bed, oh he knew he would have nightmares tonight.

walking to the bookshelf he grabbed a bottle off it, his stomach sent out a note of pain. oh he could tell himself it was for the best he was trying to live cleaner not 'feed his demons' but just now he knew he would be sick before he could get drunk. somewhere in the back of his head was the little nagging thought that this type of stuff no longer effected him like it should anyway, even food when he forced it down was foreign and uninviting. dean wondered if this was just all a new level of depression.

dean threw the bottle expecting a satisfying crash but it just thudded against the wall and fell to the floor to spin once, the weakness in his throw surprising dean. the room tilting slightly and his breathing short dean bit into his hand and tried to count to ten. his hand was shaking he noted with irritation. dean headed back to cas's room and snuck in grateful that apparently a angel in threat of mortality is a strong sleeper and crawled next to him and let himself just shut down, dean wondered if this was sleep or unconsciousness as it washed into him. dean Winchester did not faint, that was just not his style.

At some point dean woke up to Cas looking at him sleep, his ingrained alarm bells going off that he was being watched and dean merely set his head back down and looked back. Cas was apparently still able to look into deans soul or the action of his head tilt and piercing gaze was so ingrained he just looked it.

dean for his part thought his soul wasn't up for that level of scrutiny and flipped himself closer to the angel and grabbed the angels coat, but the action had no other meaning than to distract the gaze. that the angel was so prone to easy distraction by his charge. it was generally a relief to dean at the moment.

Cas was staring at deans hand on his coat. as consequences drew out and into deans brain he was unsure what to do next, as the aquard spread out and lasting and the angel which was so used to concepts of eternity just observed the action for its sake alone. dean chuffed to himself and swatted Cas's shoulder playfully "dude im ok" and settled back into a comfortable position again. a green eye sparing a glance at a Cas who was still dissecting the air just above his head.

"if your going to read my mind and soul its only fair to let me do the same back and right now im not up for hour-long eyesex ok, go to sleep or your going to make me crawl under the bed."

maybe he should go... but he could stay and maybe sleep, but why sleep. why try to pretend to sleep even...Dean considered using puppy eyes for a moment, knowing full well that at one point they had indeed averted the apocalypse but as the thought passed by without finding good hold he just closed his eyes against it all...

"its too much right now" "im not up for a existential chick flick moment, I just want to..." dean reached over and pushed Cas's pillow to a square shape and patted it. "sleep" he tried to make the word sound like a inviting tropical type of destination or something. he put his hands up in the air and visually encompassed the idea

"without nightmares, dreams, and soul sucking... everythingness" his arms went limp dean let them flop. the bed tilted left them right, on account of his equilibrium being fucked, going crazy sure felt like concussive force trauma.

the next day dean woke to the knocking on the door his brother Sam was knocking and calling for Cas and freaking out because he could not find dean anywhere. and the ruffled Cas who had slept in his trench and only had one shoulder in it answered the door bleary eyed and generally hair in every direction, which dean reflected later perhaps was not a good view with dean himself in the background looking around like where am I?

dean and his brother make eye contact and dean did the first thing that came to mind and threw a pillow over Cas's head right into Sam's face. the rainbow of confusion and short-circuiting facial expression make dean laugh and he falls back into the covers and enjoys another room spinning unconseousness.


Sam sat across from Cas and watched him eat cereal, dean still passed out on his bed. Cas had left a few pills and water by the bed for when he woke up.

" so you and dean..." Cas looked up from his bowl of cereal "we slept together" he stated then went back to eating.

Sam gave a full body twitch and swallowed hard and looked back to Cas both hands holding the edge of the table and his open jaw uselessly twitching at the end of his face "so how long has that been happening?" sam asked.

Cas considered "off and on for years now, but much more often I dream with dean than sleep with him".

sam had the urge to puke that was so sweet, he pulled himself together long enough to raise a questioning finger and arm, face in forced neutral but then Cas looked up and off into the near distance "last night he was quite distressed, and couldn't breath" Cas leveled his eyes at a deer in the headlights Sam "he was crying" Cas set his spoon in the now empty bowl and got up to walk out of the kitchen

"I think I'll give him a backrub and see if it will help him relax, he could use some uninterrupted sleep though" Cas looked like he was weighing his options before rounding the corner out of site. Sam for his part went to the fridge and grabbed a armful of beer to get to the big bottle of jack hiding behind them and started chugging. " nope, no, nah uh... no *glug* no *glug*"

Cas paused in the hallway as his recently innuendo and book and such literate self processed retrospectively what he had said, and went still in his step down the hall. he wasn't used to all this knowledge and it reeled out in retrospect more often than in real time. it was a adjustment, he thought for a second about going back to clarify, but then with a little tug at the corner of his mouth headed to his room, Cas could use the humorous distraction of letting that marinate.

when Cas got back to his room dean was woken by the door opening " hey man I don't know what got into me yesterday" he got up and clumsily headed to the door which Cas was in front of effectively blocking it, dean leveled his gaze at the slightly shorter man "thank you for putting up with me" his eye to the open space between door and hinge he swayed his upper body to the doorway hoping to indicate a want to leave but Cas was in the way so firmly dean did not really want to make further eye contact and his eye twitched on its own accord when Cas didn't take the hint and move.

"dean im here whenever you need it, even if you think im 'putting up with it' im here" Cas looked meaningfully into the side of deans face, as that was all the man was giving him at the moment. he watched deans jaw work and his lip give a tremble.

dean hugged Cas and felt like a cheap bastard when he hugged Cas for the most part just to adjust him enough to get out of the door and flee to his room but he was free, and once the door closed, alone. again. which was a relief and a opening wound "mutherfuck"

dean looked at his bed with a determination to try to sleep or pretend to sleep and get his walls back in order. if a pillow could have thought his would have braced itself in fear with the intensity it was being approached with.