Season: 8

Spoilers: next to none. A minor one from Upgrades, but nothing that'll ruin anything.

Pairings: not really… if anything S/J, but only because that's my ship.

Genre: Humor mainly, definitely crossover.

Disclaimer: All components of this fic (namely Doctor Who, Artemis Fowl, Eureka, and Stargate SG-1) are owned, not by me, but by their respective owners; BBC, Eoin Colfer, Whoever owns Eureka –possibly scifi- and Gekko/MGM/Double Secret/etc.

I also did not write this fic. It was written, somewhat reluctantly, by my sister, who is in the possession of a plethora of writing talent which I missed. She has no account, and doesn't want one anyway, but I didn't want to deprive the world of the strangest crossover in the land of ff.n.

Summary: Sam goes to Eureka for a family reunion, and meets up with, among others, her brother Jack Carter, her Irish cousins the Butlers, and her British cousins the Tylers.

Chapter One

"Have anything remotely interesting?" asked Daniel, tossing a pile of letters towards the lab's only waste receptacle. Mail day always left him somewhat out of sorts.

Sam glanced up from her seat at her desk, a wry smile flitting about her features. "Unless you count advertisements for a pageant for daughters I don't have, offers of new credit cards for a planet I barely see anymore, or a free sample of this magazine," she held up a copy of some women's publication, which displayed a particularly distasteful picture and seemed to advocate "finding your perfect hairstyle" , "then no, I have absolutely nothing. I know the General was joking when he suggested we just forward our mail here, but it really does help to be able to sort out this junk during the quieter periods; I just wish I had something besides junk."

"Indeed," assented Teal'c, examining the magazine. "Colonel Carter, do all Earth females concern themselves with these "metabolic stabilizers"?"

"No." She picked up the last envelope, and tossed it towards the bin without even glancing at it.

"Wait, Sam," Daniel grabbed it from the pile. "This one's different. See, the address is hand-written. What it says, I'm not sure, but someone definitely wrote it." He pushed his glasses farther up his nose, and used his archeological rune-deciphering skills in an attempt to read the name. "Looks like a something Carter… Zed? Zod? Maybe… Zoe?" He tossed it over, an expression of defeat on his face. "Must be a kid wrote that. Only thing harder to read is a doctor's handwriting."

"Oh!" Sam got it immediately. "Zoe Carter… That's odd, no return address…" she quickly slid a fingernail under the enclosing edge and shook out a folded sheet of typed paper. Then she inhaled audibly.

"What is it?" The other two gathered around to read over her confusedly shrugged shoulder, just as General O'Neill walked in. "What are you guys up to?"

"It appears Colonel Carter has been invited to a "family reunion". Does your family require reuniting?" Teal'c inquired of the awestruck woman before him.

"I suppose so, since I've never met a Zoe Carter before. Typical teenager, sounds like it." She read the invitation explanation aloud, with a rather ironic air:

"So, hello everyone. My name is Zoe Carter, and I'm fifteen years old. That should be enough background for you. I was recently doing some genealogy work for a school project (lame, I know) and I discovered that I had an entire side of the family I never knew anything about. I always thought my dad was just an orphan or something, but apparently he's not. Well, now he is, but anyway.

Yeah, so I was asking him if he had any pictures for my family tree, and he was like, "yeah, of my parents, twin brother, and sister." Naturally, I was shocked. So I called up Uncle Mark, and he explained everything to me, like about how Grandpa had just died recently of cancer or something (sucks that I never got to meet him; thanks, Dad) and how Grandma was a family tree nut, so we have relatives traced back to Europe and stuff.

Therefore, because I have an entire half of ancestry I've never met, due to the fact that Dad had a fight with them a million years ago, I'm inviting you (members of the family) to a gathering of sorts. The unofficial Carter Family Reunion. Most of you aren't actually Carters, but I call it that because I am. Yes, I'm just that self-centered. Anyway, more information is on the attached official invitation and stuff. Tell everyone else. Bring your friends." At the end was a large smiley face.

"What?" asked General O'Neill. "What was all that?"

Sam gave him a look. "Don't make me read it again."

"She sounds like a nice girl," observed Daniel thoughtfully. "I think we should go."

"'We'?"

"She said "bring your friends", Jack. Unless we have any missions scheduled for…" he glanced at the attached invitation. "September eighth?"

"Well, no, it's over six months away, but I think Carter should check it out first. You know, just in case."

"In case what?"

O'Neill threw up his hands. "I don't know!"

By the time they had finished arguing over what exactly Sam should do, she had already gone home, begun packing, and bought an airplane ticket to see her least favorite brother, Jack. She planned on having a few words with him, regarding such items as how he had neglected to tell her for fifteen years that he had married and had a daughter.


A loud chime echoed through the house, not unlike that of a large church tower tolling the quarter-hour. Someone was at the door.

"S.A.R.A.H!" shouted Jack Carter from his horizontal position on the sofa. "I thought I told you to cancel that doorbell!" He showed absolutely no intention of getting up.

"Dad!" Zoe skipped down the spiral staircase and tossed a length of pale blonde hair away from the skull emblem adorning her T-shirt. "Did you ever think maybe to answer it?" Her eyes rolled as she passed her prone paternal parent on the way to the door. Immediately upon reaching it, an expression of shock, which her father couldn't see, crossed her face. She opened the door, stepped through, and closed it behind her.

"Hi, Zoe?" said the rather bemused blonde before her. "Is this the address you gave me? Sorry about not letting you know before; I tried to call, but the number didn't work, and then I couldn't even find the place, which, by the way, you didn't tell me was a bunker- did your dad start working for the military, because I thought he hated it, because of my dad, and well- " she paused for breath.

"Uh, yeah," said Zoe, leading the visitor away. "You're Aunt Sam, right?"

"Right."

"Well, see, I kinda forgot to tell Dad about the reunion. Just yet. I wasn't really expecting anyone this early."

"Your dad kinda forgot to tell me about you." Sam crossed her arms sardonically.

"Like, ever? Are you and him and Uncle Mark in some sort of decades-long fight?"

"Sort of. Look, is there anywhere else, besides on the lawn in front of your- bunker- that we could have this conversation?"

"Yeah. I know a little place over in town. Come on."

The moment Sam entered the restaurant, she was surrounded.

"Samantha Carter?"

"What are you doing here?"

"We weren't going to invite you to Eureka for months yet!"

"Welcome! Can I offer you a tour?"
"Wow, Samantha Carter!"

Apparently everyone knew her, but she knew scarcely anyone else, nor, indeed, why they all did know her. Confusion clouded her blue eyes as her niece ignored the flocking scientists and led her to a table in a corner. Finally, a man in a brown mechanic's suit advertising "Henry's Garage" pushed through the crowd, removed a grayish cap from his dark cornrows, and pulled up a third chair. Zoe took this moment to show surprise at her aunt's popularity, and Sam took this moment to speak.

"Henry Deacon? I haven't seen you in years!"

"Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: 'Theoretical Astrophysicist.'" He winked at her. "It has been some time."

"You're a what?" asked Zoe, glancing back and forth as though at a table-tennis match. "And how do you know Henry?" The entire room seemed to be silenced by the conversation.

"He was my physics professor at the Air Force Academy- his one brush with the hated United States military. He always told me it was a waste that I chose it for my life." Sam grinned. "My research in "deep-space radar telemetry" might make you rethink that assessment."

"With your recent "achievements"," assented Henry with a twinkling eye, "I would, indeed."

"Why all these verbal quotation marks?" said Zoe, leaning back in her chair. "And, Aunt Sam, no one ever told me I had a relative in the Air Force, besides Grandpa. But what does that have to do with radars?"

At this, the room erupted.

" 'Aunt Sam'?"

"Like, through your father?"

"She can't be!"

"Stop talking about me!" This was the Colonel. "I'm sure you're all lovely, but I came here to visit my brother and niece, and I don't even know what this place is called."

"This is Eureka," Henry said simply. "An experimental town. Everyone you see here is a scientist, many of whom know of your works even as you do them. As you may have guessed, due to the fact that you didn't know about it, it's a little more secret than your place of employment. If it helps any, your brother is the town sheriff, so he and Zoe automatically have high enough clearance, if you want to explain anything to them."

Sam pressed two fingers to her temple. "Jack always made things harder than they had to be. This time, he's doing it just by the place he lives."

"Yes, well," continued Henry. "As you may have heard, we were planning on eventually inviting you here, should you ever tire of your position at Cheyenne Mountain." He laughed at her raised eyebrows. "I know, you probably never could. But, since you're here, I'll personally show you around, once you've had lunch and a chat with Zoe." At that, he left, setting an example for the others to silently disperse and continue ordinary procedure, or at least as ordinary as could be when stealing glances at a legend in their midst.

"Wow." That was the response, hours later, from each at the conclusion of the other's tale of how she had gotten to her present state in life. Zoe's was a bit more full of shock, as Sam had actually heard a few snippets about Eureka the time she'd visited Area 51, but that compared little to an actual tour from the unofficial leader of the town, and an explanation from a rebellious teenager.

"Wow," Zoe said again, toying with the black fringe on the blanket covering her bed. They sat on the floor, Sam leaning against the wall and digging through her purse for pictures of her friends, Zoe touching up the chipped black polish on her fingernails. "Aunt Sam, you are so cool… and- wow, so is he!" She carefully held the photograph close to her face.

"Daniel? I guess. He's fluent in twenty-five languages, you know. He's too old for you, though. He's already been married and died several times."

Zoe put it down with an affected sigh. "Another geek."

"The last person who told him that went to the hospital with broken bones."

Then her niece was more interested again, but she changed the topic. "When he gets home, I really ought to tell Dad about the family reunion I planned, and about you being here and all, but I really didn't expect anyone to respond in person to my invitation. You and Uncle Mark were the only ones remotely close to Eureka. Some of the letters had to go all the way to, like, England." She blew on her fingernails.

"Oh, that would be my mother's cousin, Jackie Tyler. She actually has a daughter close to your age. Something of a spaz, though."

"That would make her my… third cousin once removed, or something? Will she be coming, do you think?"

"Doubtfully." Sam gingerly took a sip of her diet soda. "Nobody's seen her for awhile, not since she disappeared for a few months, came back with a forty-something boyfriend, and then disappeared again. She has a new boyfriend, I hear."

"She sounds cool, too," said Zoe, and then addressed a question, seemingly, to the room at large. "S.A.R.A.H.? Do you know when Dad is supposed to be home?"

"Sheriff Carter rarely informs me of his doings," replied the house somewhat testily. "If you are planning on a family dinner, I have prepared some pot roast, which is currently in the oven. I would suggest that the members of the family who are here at dinner-time actually eat in the further half-hour it will take to finish, whether or not the "family" is actually in attendance."

"This is Colonel Carter, S.A.R.A.H.," continued the girl, unfazed. "She's a member of the family, too, so it will be a family dinner."

The house made no response, and appeared to be sulking.

"So… Aunt Sam, who is it that lives in Ireland?" asked Zoe brightly, undaunted by the house's dark attitude. "Uncle Mark was really helpful, but he didn't give me names to go with most of the addresses."

Sam thought a moment. "I think that's… well, they're really distant, and only Mom ever knew just how they were related to us, but it's the Butlers. Actually, there's a girl there about your age, too, and she has our hair, but she's currently in Mexico." She grinned, and shook her blonde mane. "Her name is Juliet. Her older brother is currently bodyguard-ing some Irish millionaire, who's about fourteen and apparently a prodigy. Or so I've heard."

"Great. Another genius."

At that moment, without knocking, as usual, Jack Carter entered the room, beginning some discourse regarding how the town had been looking at him speculatively all day, but how he'd suddenly gotten some of his deserved respect. He never finished, because he saw his sister.

"Samantha? That's why everyone… that's why Fargo was asking questions about my family, that's why…" Shock didn't even begin to describe his face.

"Jack. Just decided to drop by." She left out the part that would get Zoe into trouble, namely, for not telling her dad that she had invited dozens of people over in a few months. "Any reason you never told me about Eureka?"

"Never got around to it."

"About moving into a Smart House, the technology of which you know I've worked with?"

"Got busy."

"About your daughter?"

"Well, we've barely spoken in fifteen years, Sam! And it's not my fault," he added stubbornly. "You had to join the Air Force, even though it stood for everything you, Mark, and I hated about Dad."

Sam stood and faced him, hands on her hips. "Let's not start this old argument again. I'm happy with my life. You're happy with yours. Mark and I have made up; why can't we?"

"I guess…"

"So that's taken care of." Sam clapped her hands to signify the closure.

At that point, Zoe cut in. "Hey Dad, question: what should she do about, like, accommodations? Should she fly home to Colorado Springs tonight, find a hotel and hope she isn't attacked by ravenous scientists, or can she just stay here? S.A.R.A.H. has plenty of extra space."

Jack shook his head. "I don't know…"

"I've taken the liberty of preparing the guest room," inserted the house helpfully.

He shrugged, exasperated at the conspiracy of his daughter, sister, and home. "Fine! Maybe I should just leave!" And he did, slamming the bedroom door on his way out.

"That went well," said Zoe, flopping cheerfully onto her bed.

"All the same," sighed Sam, "I think I should leave tomorrow morning. I'll see you in September, Zoe, and I'll even bring the rest of my team; just let your Dad try and stop me. This'll be a good experience for you. Just wait and see."