Disclaimer: we don't own twilight
A/N:Hey, we know our writing sucks, but we really don't care. We're just doing it for fun. So don't bash us for something stupid like writing when we're obviously just writing whatever the hell comes to mind.
2 years after the ending of Breaking Dawn...
All was well in the Cullen house. Jasper and Alice and returned and let's face it, why else would we read this crap if it weren't for them? Anyways...
Chapter one: Confession
"Bella, there's something I need to tell you..." Edward said nervously.
"Edward, whatever could it be?"
"Well um, you see... I uh... like boys."
"You have two brothers, of course, I already knew that."
"No, I liiiiiiiike boys."
"You-you liiiiiiiike boys...?" she said with an upward inflection.
"Yes you dimwit, I love boys. I'm GAY!" he shouted, exasperated.
"No... no no no. You love MEEEEEEE!" she whined
"Well, let's see why that is. You have no boobs, you talk like a man, you don't like dresses at all, and shopping for you is torture. Ergo, you ARE practically a man!"
"But...but, when did this happen you were supposed to be my one true love, hardships and overcoming all other obstacles..." she whimpered
"...Well, you know when we saw James...? Di-did you SEEEEE him without a shirt?"
"Well, yes... but I was so overwrought with my undying love for you he couldn't compare."
"Uh... well that sucks. You were just a part of my denial. Why do you think I was always brooding at school? There was the internal struggle that I was actually gay. Why do you think I was a virgin for over a century? That's not normal for a straight man, I was just in denial about my true sexuality."
"How are so calm? Don't you care about us at all?"
"Well, I'm dumping you-"
"YOU ARE DUMMMMPING MEEEE?"
"Are you fucking deaf?"
"B-b-but, we loooooove each other! You almost killed yourself... for meeeeeeeeeee" she began to whale
"Um, no. There were some really hot guys, and I mean realllllly HAWT Italian boyzzzz. I thought I would go "fishing" for some men." he said sounding excited. "The breaking up over a paper cut was stupid and a really convenient excuse. I only took you back because my family is a bunch of homophobes, hence why they try to match me up with Rosalie but that didn't work. But now I just don't give a shit, Alice and Jasper are cool with it anyways."
"..." Bella, thankfully for once in her life was stunned into silence... but then the real waterworks started. Anyone who wasn't deaf would gladly chop of there ears to stop the noise, which closely resembled that of a dying whale.
A/N: So, we the authors would just like to point out the subtle Mormon parts in Twilight.
Bella cooks for her dad.
Bella does the laundry for her dad.
Bella and Edward get married right out of High School
Bella and Edward don't have sex till after marriage
Edward practically controls what Bella does
Edward is protective of Bella, and he fights while she sits on the sidelines
no gay people in the actual book
Esme stays home while Carlisle goes to the hospital and works.
Rosalie=pretty blonde girl who wants babies but just sits at home. Emmett= big strong man who does the work for her
Edward gave Bella a new radio, wouldn't allow her to do it herself
