It was the school holidays and I was glad they were here. It was a break from university and a well deserved one at that in my opinion.

I stay in the school hostel. That meant that I didn't see my parents much except when i decided to go home. Mostly, holidays usually implied that i would be at home, with them. But this holiday, I had opted to stay in the school hostel. It was only a month's break, and i wanted some private time to myself.

Shizuru has a key to my room. She's the room administrator for all the floors of the hostel. Naturally she would have a master key for emergencies. As far as i know, she only uses it to visit me.

As luck would have it, she chose an inopportune time to visit me.

I was roused from my afternoon nap on the table by a rough shaking on the shoulder. With blurry eyes i looked up, "Hey Shiz," i muttered. "Why ya wake me for?" And then i realized what she had caught me doing. My razor blade lay on the table just next to me and my left hand was flung across the table. Dried blood gleaming on it's underside. I was caught. I shook sleep from my eyes as I took in my girlfriend.

Her eyes were horrified. There was something else in those depths that i couldn't figure.

"Natsuki?" She asked in a hesistant voice.

Because i was too stunned to say anything, i simply replied, "Urm, yeah?"

"Maybe..."She began tentatively. "You could explain what's this about." Her hand swept out in a motion indicating the table and the blood.

I plucked a tissue from the box and pressed it against my hand rub or hide the blood, i didn't know which. "I..." I felt an unreasonable wave of anger and indignity sweep through me. "You know what? Actually it's none of your business what i do." What did she need me to explain anyway. It was self explanatory. A picture paints a thousand words.

Her hand reached out to grasp my wrist. "Stop rubbing at it for goodness sake," she snapped at me.

It's the first time i've heard that tone in her voice.

Then she grabbed me in a hug. A warm hug, that should have touched the cold stone heart in me. But its warmth barely pierced the surface. I felt it. Her love for me. But i don't believe in love. I don't believe in her.

Her hands tightened around my back as she pressed her face into my shoulders. Her scent, was sharp and clean and comforting. "Why would my Natsuki do something like that to herself?" she whispered into my ear.

I shrugged. "Does it matter?" I almost laughed but i stopped myself. I wrapped my arms around her. "So... how was your day."

"Is Natsuki trying to change the topic?" Her voice was a musical tinkle, but familiarity had me noticing the strain in it.

"Maybe," I replied. "How was it?"

She wouldn't let go of me. "Good. I found at job at the lingerie store down the street. I'll be working there part time, maybe three times a week or more," she paused. "That means less time with my Nastuki. I hope she won't miss me."

I laughed. "I still don't see why you need to work. It's not as though you need the money." I ignored the last part of her statement.

"Because i like to work."

"Talk about a workaholic" i teased her.

She poked me in the side playfully.

I struggled in her grasp, but then she stopped and reverted back to hugging me. "Aren't you going to release me?" I felt her shake her head into my shoulder. "No? People will think we're conjoined into one body if you don't." She shook her head again.

"Not till Natsuki tells me why she did it."

Silence. It filled the room, thick and heavy.

Because i say nothing, she must have decided to say something. "I never noticed." Her voice quavered alittle. "I'm sorry."

I treasure those words of hers. It shows she cares. "Baka. What are you apologizing for?"

"I never noticed. How could I have not?" Now her voice cracked. "I should have. Been there for you Somehow! I should have payed more attention to your body." She tried to turn my hand over so that the cuts were visible, but i refused to let her.

"I hid it well." I didn't know what to say. I could comprehend shock or horror, but not the hurt that i heard in her voice.

"How long?" she asked after a few minutes passed.

"How long what?" I replied, even though i kind of knew what she meant.

"Since you've been..." she trailed off. "How do i put it?" she muttered. "Since you've been doing this to yourself."

"A year give or take," I replied quietly.

Silence again. "Does it hurt?"

I rubbed her head affectionately. "No it doesn't silly."

She hugged me even tighter if that was possible. I was getting tired of the melodrama. Why did people make such a fuss over some cuts. Some blood. Sure, i understood, it's not conventional. But it doesn't hurt me. I don't really feel it. And Shiz was probably angry that i kept this secret from her. But we all have our secrets right? Why should it matter?

"It hurts me," the whisper, barely discernable jolted me.

"Well, it shouldn't," i replied. "It doesn't hurt me."

She reared back to look me in the eyes. "But it hurts me Natsuki."

I looked back at those crimson eyes. "Why should it?"

"Because i love you," she said simply.

I hated her at that moment. Nobody understands the meaning of those words. They say it so casually. Especially the way she says it. The innocence in there. There's no way she loves me. "I didn't ask you to" i retorted, struggling harder against her hug. I grabbed her hands to pry it away from me. Succeeded by moving them an inch. Shizuru can be very strong when she wants to. "Let me go," i snapped.

"No."

I struggled harder, my nails, digging alittle into the sides of her hands. But she wouldn't let go. I can't hurt her. I don't like hurting people, so i stopped trying. I think that's low of her. To take advantage of that. I wouldn't hurt her, not physically anyway. "Why?"

Silence again. We rarely have so much silence. She always knows what to say and she's always poking at me. Finally, without a word, she let go of me.

"Thank you," I said. "Can we just pretend nothing happened?"

Those ruby eyes were staring at me searchingly. "For now," she replied. She must have known that i needed some space and time. She always seems to know what i need.

"Sooo, what shall we have for dinner?"

"Pizza?"

"Awww, spoiling me huh?"

"I find it reasonable to indulge my girlfriend occasionally." Shizuru reached for the phone to dial their number.

When she was done ordering the pizza, she joined me at the table. I handed her the right side of my earphone. And we sat in front of my computer watching Bones. It's a TV drama we both enjoy. I enjoy the science and Shizuru seems to find the characters of interesting stature.

We melded back into a routine normal and comfortable, but hovering above that was still the tension of our unresolved 'argument'.