Hello All! For those of you who don't already know, this story is an expansion of my oneshot Hands. It starts several months before Hands took place and will lead up to it, telling Bella and Edward's story. I hope you enjoy it! Let me know what you think, please!
Chapter One
Even before she was fully conscious she could feel her stomach clench and the acid rise to her throat. She gasped, jumping from her bed in the white underpants and oversized t-shirt she'd slept in, and made a dash for the bathroom. She threw herself to the ground in front of the toilet, automatically grabbing a fist full of her long, brown hair, before beginning to retch and gag. Her body convulsed painfully. When it all stopped she fell back onto the floor, exhausted. She felt numb, her breath was rapid, and a foul flavor saturated her mouth. Her throat burned, and her chest hurt. Her face was deathly pale, and the dark bags beneath her eyes were highly pronounced and nearly painful. She sighed, shoving her hair off of her face, and ran one trembling hand across her clammy forehead. She couldn't believe this was happening.
An older woman appeared in the doorway, wrapped in a dirty, pink satin rode, a cigarette clenched between her pale, thin lips. The room filled with harsh yellow light as she flipped the light switch, making the shaking girl squint and groan, lifting her arms to press the heel of her palms in to her aching eyes.
"What's this Bella, what's the matter with you?"
"Nothing, Renee, go back to bed."
"Don't tell me what to do. What's wrong with you?"
"It's nothing, Mom."
"You been drinking? Huh? Is that it?"
"No, Mom."
"Don't you lie to me."
"I'm not."
"What then?"
Bella sighed again before unsteadily rising to her feet and turning to face her mother.
The woman was in her late forties, thin, and looked washed-out. She stood, staring unblinkingly into Bella's eyes. She took another drag on her cigarette before blowing it out into the girl's face, making her cough.
The girl moved to the sink and began rinsing her mouth out with mouth wash, aware of her mother's watchful gaze. Finishing her task, she proceeded to tie her hair back with a pink rubber band she got from around her wrist.
She once again turned to face her mother.
"Renee," the girl spoke softly after a minute or so of watching her Mother puff away on her cigarette, "do you have to smoke in the house?"
"It's my house, isn't it?"
"Please, Mom."
The woman stood, smoking, surveying as the girl slowly grew paler and slightly green. Once more she fell to the floor, gagging and coughing into the toilet. It was more painful this time, though there was nothing left in her stomach. Silent tears began to leak from the corner of her eyes. When her body quit spasming she quickly reached out to flush the toilet. She then brushed the tears quickly from her flushed cheeks. Grimacing she stood, looking at the accusing eyes of her mother.
"Do you know what I think?"
The girl ignored the woman and went to the sink to rinse her mouth out again. She wetted a washcloth and placed it onto her heated forehead. She looked at her mother through the reflection in the mirror.
The woman repeated her question.
Sighing, the girl turned to face her mother, raising one thin eyebrow in a rude and questioning manner.
"I think you got yourself pregnant. I think you're knocked up and it's making you puke, that's what I think."
The girl blushed slightly and looked away.
"Not right now, Mom, please?"
"You did, didn't you?"
"Please, Renee."
The girl went to move hastily out the door, when her mother's hand shot out to stop her, clenching around the girl's upper arm.
"Don't you walk away from me. I'm right, aren't I?
The girl stayed silent.
"Do you know what else I think, Bella?"
The woman continued, undeterred by the girl's silence.
"I think you're a dirty little slut."
"Don't call me that," the girl whispered, not looking her mother in the eyes.
The woman ignored her.
"Well, you know what else I think? I think that since you're such a slut you should leave my house."
"You don't mean that, Mom."
"Don't I? You're eighteen, so go on, just go."
"Renee-"
"Shut your mouth, Bella, I don't want to hear it. If you're mature enough to get yourself pregnant, then just leave.
"Mom, please, please don't do this."
But it was too late, her pleading words fell onto deaf ears.
"Please, I need your help, Mom, I can't do this on my own. This isn't my fault."
The woman chuckled humorlessly.
"Don't you tell me this wasn't all your fault, Bella, it's too late now. You got yourself into this mess; you can find you way out of it."
The girl could feel her eyes begin to burn with unshed tears as she continued to stare pleadingly at her mother.
"I mean it. Leave."
The woman flicked her cigarette at the girl and left her behind in the tiny bathroom. Tears were streaming down the girl's red cheeks, as she fell once more to the bathroom floor.
At nine that morning Bella stood on the sidewalk facing her High School, thinking. On her right shoulder hung a small duffel bag of her most essential belongings. She'd go back for the rest of her things later. Later, when she knew where she'd be staying for the foreseeable future. The tardy bell had rung fifteen minutes ago, but she hadn't been able to make herself move any closer.
She sighed.
What was the point?
She turned and looked across to the other side of the road. It was October and she shivered in her worn, tan leather jacket. The wind blew harshly around her. Goosebumps were clearly evident through the holes at the knees of her dark wash jeans. She had never felt more alone.
Slowly, she turned to the left. It was a three mile walk to the nearest convenient store, but she had decided it was time. She had nothing better to do, anyhow.
She was most certain it was true, but Bella was sure it would be different somehow if she had valid proof. Held it in her hand. She wasn't sure how or why, but she was sure it would be.
Slowly, she began to walk.
She had a craving for some Skittles, anyway.
Bella stood outside the convenient store, five dollars and thirty-three cents poorer. She popped a red Skittle into her mouth and hummed, her favorite. She was clutching a brown paper bag in her right hand.
She needed to decide what to do next. She needed someone who she could talk to; someone who would listen.
She took a left off main street and watched as the crowded shops and businesses slowly morphed into small, boxy houses, with small unkempt yards, and a few shops. After about ten minutes she stopped in front of a small used book store called Esme's Books. She heard the scattered, soft tinkling of bells that hung from the door knob as she entered the shop. She closed the door softly behind her and turned to face all the shelves of books before she stopped walking. She closed her eyes and breathed in the musty smell of old books, instantly she felt herself relax. She loved this place.
"Bella?"
The girl's eyes snapped open and searched for the owner of the voice. Her eyes settled on a petite, middle aged woman, with soft, caramel colored curls.
"Bella? What are you doing here?"
The girl continued to look the woman in the eyes before shrugging slightly.
The woman's eyebrows creased.
"Shouldn't you be in school?"
Bella hesitated a moment.
"Esme."
"Yes?"
Esme was the owner of the store, and one of the girl's favorite people. Bella had known her since she was five years old and held more respect and love for her than for her own mother.
"I know I'm not supposed to work today, but do you think you could use the extra help?"
She was hoping that Esme would forget about the whole skipping school thing. She didn't feel quite ready to explain anything yet.
The woman was silent, a confused, searching look on her face as she looked at the girl.
After a few minutes she smiled softly.
"Of course."
Bella sighed in relief.
"I just got a new shipment of books this morning, and Mrs. Langley from down the street brought me quite the load of books yesterday afternoon. I was just in the back going through them. It would be wonderful if you could stay out here and man the cash register in case a customer comes, I could get more work done that way."
The girl smiled weakly at Esme before heading over to stand behind the counter. She saw, out of the corner of her eye, Esme eyeing the duffle bag she still had strapped over her shoulder. Self-consciously she removed the bag and placed it on the floor behind the counter, before stuffing the paper bag onto one of the shelves. She'd worry about that later.
Once she was settled she looked back up to find Esme still standing, watching her.
She felt herself blush at the attention, before she reached up to fiddle with the end of her hair, looking away from the older woman's scrutinizing gaze. It was a nervous habit of hers. It used to drive Ja-him mad, but that doesn't matter anymore. She felt a slight twinge of pain before shaking her head slightly. Bella dropped her hand before looking back at Esme.
"I have something I need to tell you."
She paused. Esme stayed silent.
"But not yet. Later."
Esme nodded slowly before turning away, heading towards the back of the store again. She stopped before she made it through the door.
"You know where to find me when you're ready."
The girl's weak smile strengthened just a bit as her fingers unconsciously started fiddling with the ends of her hair once more.
The girl looked up when she heard the jingle of bells. It had been a slow morning, which made her happy; she didn't particularly feel like interacting with anyone. She was surprised to see who had just come through the door.
"Alice."
It was a statement, not a question. She glanced at the clock, surprised that it was already three o'clock.
"You weren't at school."
The girl nodded.
Alice smiled.
"That's alright, I knew you were here."
The girl nodded again.
"You have something you need to say."
The girl nodded again. She was used to Alice's weird comments and behaviors. Alice was a small, graceful girl. She had short, inky black hair, startling blue eyes and always wore a smile on her pretty face. She was Bella's best friend.
"Mom's in the back?"
"Yes."
Alice nodded before placing her bright pink backpack on a stool by the door. She hopped up to sit on the counter by where the girl was standing. She looked at the girl expectantly. She didn't say anything, just looked.
"Alice?"
Esme's muffled voice poured from the back.
"In a minute, Mom"
She continued staring calmly at the girl.
Bella fidgeted. Ten minutes passed. She could hear the quiet tick of the second hand from the clock on the wall behind her.
For the first time all day she wished that someone would walk through the door.
She sighed.
She hated when Alice did this.
"Alright."
Alice smiled triumphantly before hopping down off the counter. She waltzed over to the door and flipped the 'Open' sign to 'Closed' before locking it.
She turned back and headed towards the back of the shop.
"Come on then."
Bella started to follow and then stopped. She hesitated before snatching up the brown paper bag from under the counter. She stared down at the seemingly unobtrusive bag in her hands before sighing and following her friend.
Esme was sitting on the floor amidst a sea of books. She was flipping through one book that had seen better days when Bella walked in.
She glanced up at the girl and smiled before placing the book on her lap and gesturing to an empty spot of floor beside her.
After a moment of hesitation Bella sat down.
"Alice went upstairs to grab some Oreos and peanut butter."
At the mention of peanut butter the girl's stomach churned, but she ignored it and stayed quiet.
The girl fiddled nervously with the bag in her hands as she waited for Alice to return.
"Oreos and peanut butter, the perfect way to deal with any problem."
Alice's voice was light and airy, but Bella could hear the undertone of worry it carried.
She looked up as Alice sat down a couple of feet in front of her and Esme.
Before anyone started talking Alice pulled open the tray of Oreos and placed a couple down on a paper towel before unscrewing the peanut butter.
She stuck the knife she brought with her into the jar and withdrew a large clump of extra crunchy peanut butter.
As the smell of it hit Bella she blanched. Throwing a hand over her mouth, she jumped up and stumbled for the bathroom. She barely was able to slam the door shut behind her before she began emptying her already empty stomach into the toilet. Her body quivered and ached even after she was done.
She groaned, running a shaky hand over her mouth.
Why now?
"Bella?" There was a hesitant knock on the bathroom door.
"Yes, I'm fine."
She got up and went slowly over to the sink. She turned the faucet on and began splashing cold water onto her face. There was another knock on the door.
"Just wait, I'll be out in a minute."
After she rinsed her mouth out the best she could, she stood up straight and looked at her self in the mirror. She looked a mess.
She reached over and opened the bathroom door slowly. Alice and Esme were standing just outside of it, worried and waiting.
"Bella, what-"
The girl held up a hand and Esme fell silent.
"I don't feel like having peanut butter right now, Alice. Sorry."
Alice nodded slowly.
The girl walked back over to where she was sitting before and plopped back down on the floor. The others followed.
"Bella."
She nodded and sighed.
Gradually she began to tell about the boy. About Him. About how'd they meet at the carnival that had been in town for a week about five months ago. About the nights he'd come pick her up at the corner of her street. She never let him come get her at her house; she didn't want Renee to know. She told about the scent of him close up, his aftershave, and the feel of his hands. About the nights in the backseat of his car, parked out on a dirt road about five miles north of town where the road stopped and the uninterrupted forest began. How he would roll down the windows and let the cool breeze drift in, bringing with it the smell of the dirt and musty woods. The gentleness he treated her with. Always kind and patient. Always quick to compliment and please. At first. She never let him go all the way. And always afterward, the quiet ride home.
She explained about how he eventually got impatient, his hands more urgent.
Then she briefly went over the last time. The last time he picked her up. About two months ago. How he started out sweet and charming, but then how the night took a turn for the worse. The smell of stale alcohol on his breath and the pain of it when he wouldn't stop.
Then finally, the tension filled ride home. The loneliness and pain she had felt that night. She hadn't seen him again after that.
There was a quick silence where no one moved when she was finished talking. And then Alice crawled slowly over to her friend and wrapped her thin arms around her. She didn't say anything, just sat there.
"Why now?"
Confused, the girl looked blankly over at Esme.
"I'm happy that you told us this happened Bella, but why now? Why not when it happened? Why didn't you tell anyone sooner?"
Alice let go of the girl and just sat next to her. She too wanted to know the answer to this question.
Bella blushed, looking down.
"I should have, I know that, I should have told."
Bella could feel the tears that she had been suppressing for so long fill up in her eyes.
"I was scared, and awfully embarrassed, but mostly scared."
There was a moment of silence.
"Of what?"
Bella shrugged, and she felt on lone tear fall from her eyes onto the clasped hands in her lap.
"Nothing in particular, just scared."
Alice reached over and took one of Bella's hands in her own.
No one said anything for a long time. They just sat and absorbed what had been said.
"Bella,"
Esme spoke hesitantly, almost changing her mind. She continued with her question when Bella looked up at her, all traces of tears now gone from her tired, brown eyes.
"Bella, who was he?"
"A boy."
"Of course, honey, but whom exactly?"
"He's from another town," the girl said. "You wouldn't know him."
Esme nodded hesitantly.
"But wait," Alive interjected, "What does this have anything to do with you getting sick in the bath-" Alice's eyes got wide. "Oh."
Bella picked up the paper bag once more from the floor beside her. She held it in her hands for a moment before handing it over to Alice. Alice stared at Bella for a couple of seconds before taking it. Slowly, she looked down at the bag in her hands and opened it. She stared blankly into it for a couple of seconds before looking back up to Bella.
"What, does this mean that you don't even know? You haven't checked. Jesus, Bella, this could all be just a false alarm and your already so sure about it?"
Bella shook her head.
"I'm certain, Alice, I just haven't fully checked yet."
"Well, what are you waiting for then?"
Alice took the box out of the bag and flipped it over and read the back.
"You can't be certain, Bella, there's a still a chance."
Bella was sitting on the floor of the small bathroom, her back leaning against the wall. Her knees were pulled up to her chest, her head resting on top her knees. She felt numb, empty.
The positive pregnancy test was sitting on the counter by the sink.
Esme and Alice where sitting on either side of the girl.
Esme spoke quietly, putting a hand onto the girl's shoulder..
"Bella, honey, I really think you should tell us who this boy is."
The girl shook her head.
"I don't want to say."
"But-"
The girl lifted her head and looked at Esme.
"It doesn't matter, anyhow. He's not going to want it. He won't claim it. He's not that kind."
"What do you mean?"
"He's not the fathering kind."
"But, that's not fair, Bella." Alice's voice was strained. "He ought to at least take some responsibility."
The girl shook her head again.
They both sighed.
"Bella," Esme stopped talking before tentatively beginning again.
"Bella, have you talked to your mother?"
Bella's head fell back to her knees as she felt herself blush.
"She told me to leave."
"What?"
"She found me sick in the bathroom. She figured out why and then kicked me out."
"Oh, honey."
"You can stay here."
Like always, Alice was certain with her solution to this problem.
Bella just shook her head.
"But, Bella-"
The girl lifted her head up and looked over to Alice.
"No, Alice. I can't intrude on you guys like that. What would Carlisle think? Besides, you guys don't have the room."
"That's stupid-"
"Alice," Esme interrupted her.
"If she doesn't want to stay here we can't force her. Just, Bella, please reconsider. You wouldn't be intruding at all, you know that. And Carlisle would love to have you."
The girl shook her head again.
Esme sighed.
"You'll stay here for tonight."
Bella began to protest, but Esme stopped her.
"Just for tonight, Bella. We'll find you somewhere else to stay, but not tonight."
The girl sighed and nodded reluctantly.
"Good, now let's head upstairs, it's time to start dinner. Carlisle will be home any minute now."
They all stood up and headed towards the stairs that lead to the second floor apartment.
When Alice and Bella were in bed that night Alice tried again.
"Bella, would you please consider just staying here?"
"Alice-"
"No, really Bella, just consider it. You're going to be going through a lot in the next couple of months, and you could really use the support of your best friend."
Bella sighed.
"Please, just promise me you'll think about it."
"Fine, Alice. I'll think about it."
Alice could tell she was lying.
They were both silent for a few moments before Alice rolled over onto her side.
"Good night, Bella."
"Night."
