Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Wolf
Synopsis: Stiles has been hiding behind smiles for far too long.
I am not a child now.
can take care of myself.
mustn't let them down now-
musn't let them see me cry. (1)
Breathe
Deep breaths
Breathe out the pain and in the emptiness that will soon consume your soul and help that smile thats never really been there remain plastered on your face
Close your eye's and pull in all the pain
Don't let it escape just breathe it out, bury under the covers of your bed and let the weight and the comfort hold you in its grip, play your music far too loud in the empty house and let the sound vibrate for your walls and hope that it will cover up those pathetic whimpers as you break.
"Please don't break, don't break." Stiles Stillinski whimpers as he curls himself up, legs tight, so tight against his chest. His entire body shaking and he tries to hold himself still but as usual his mind is moving too fast, too fast he just needs everything to stop.
"STOP!" He screams because he knows no one's home and he just wants to be normal, just for one bloody day, but all he sees is his mother- and no, no don't go there
"Come on baby boy, breathe with me."
She's in his mind now,
The scent of perfume brushing against his nose as her chocolate coloured locks tickle his nose as she holds him rocking him, he's younger in her arms so she's able to wrap around him
And he wants that back so badly, to be so young again and to have her and to not be fighting to suck in that next breath, that won't come, he wants to be in her arms, engulfed by her scent and so warm as her soft voice is almost like a song as she talks, her voice as soft as silk. He still can't breathe and oh please no no no no no.
"DON'T LET ME BREAK!"into his pillow, begging the fates for some kind of release as his body twitches and spasms slightly, the unreleased energy bubbling under his skin tightening around his heart and pulling him everywhere and nowhere, he wants to move and wants to sleep and wants not to break.
Because if he falls into that Abyss where the darkness swallows him up, hides away the beauty in the world and steals his smile so all that's left is masks and faces and the grey inside of him takes over him, he'll be lost
The grey that wants to spread around and steal the happiness, but he can't let it- won't let it numb him because despite how much pain, how heartbroken he is now- he loves feeling, loves it with a passion those who haven't lost that feeling will never understood. Because it means he can connectthat he's not just watching the world go past, always moving and moving, he's part of that world and he's always moving and being and existing. is so wonderful, full of anger and hate sometimes, but still there's love and hope and faith and he doesn't ever want to lose the feeling when he eats Curly Fries and hears her .
And of course there's pain- there's always pain, but if he doesn't have that pain he forgets its his fault- and he mustn't ever forget.
He falls into a state of half sleep somewhere between trying to breathe and finding that all he could smell was her perfume across his nose, sometime in the early morning the music he has been playing is turned off and feels someone sit on the bed and lie by him, wrapping him in strong arms and a body that traps the blanket against his body as the person who his exhausted, delusional mind can't recognise, but they kiss the back of his head and he allows himself to calm into the embrace because he's so desperate for any form of affection. He eventually drifts off, the whimpers he barely knew he was producing quieting down to slow murmurs and then heavy breathing, body twitching every so often, but he's so use to the muscle spasms he barely pays them any mind.
Dreams surround him that night, he stands on top of a column in the middle of an abyss full of darkness and the baying werewolves surround below him snapping and snarling as they all look up, blood dripping from their jaws but he recognises them, Scott, Peter, Derek, Erica, Jackson and his father, which he thinks is strange but then ignore even Lydia is a wolf and she is snarling clawing at his columns, baying for his blood. Their howls are angry words, hurtful words
"It's you, its all you- You know everyday I saw her in that hospital slowly dying
I thought how the hell am I supposed to raise this stupid kid on my own?
This Hyperactive little bastard who keeps ruining my life!
It's all you, its you Stiles – you killed your Mother.
You hear me? You killed her.
And now You're killing me"
The sound of glass smashing around him continues as the wolfs howl, lunging, leaping and snapping at his ankles, ready to tear him apart as he sobs and cries, screaming for a saviour
"Murderer." His Father
"Retard!" His Best friend
" Pathetic!"Lydia
"Weak." Jackson
They go on and on, but in the distance he sees her and she beckons to him, her voice soft and caring and across the darkness of the abyss below he can see her, beautiful in her favourite periwinkle dress, hair tied in a loose plait with daises braided through them and she carries with her memories of summers before, with large floppy sun hats and too big glasses that swallowed up his entire face. The nagging of sun cream and the taste of ice cream and she holds out her arms, ready to simply hold him, he jumps.
"Stiles!"
And Falls.
"Stiles!"
Into the wolves who snarl and snap as he falls into their jaws, into the darkness. His name being screamed out
"STILES WAKE UP!"
He wakes up in confusion, feeling his body shaking and his throat stinging, he must have been screaming.
"Stiles, come on son- please wake up baby boy." A familiar voice begs and Stiles opens his eye's slowly, blinking at the light that floods his eye's- it's the 'good morning' type of morning now not 'go to sleep Stiles' kind of morning and the blurred shape of a person, a man he thinks is crouched by his bed, a callused hand resting on his cheek and a thumb sweeping arcs up and down, until his vision is clear and he can clearly see the person is his Father who smiles at him sadly
"Morning Kiddo, rough night?" He asks, taking in his son's tear streaked face and groggy eye's, the hair that his son has been allowing to grow passed its normal buzz cut stage is messy, sticking out everywhere and his sheets are tangled in his baby boy's long limbs
"I'm fine Dad." Stiles whispers as he sits up, crossed legged, blankets tangling around him, his voice sounding strained and a flash of pain crossing his face and all of a sudden Stiles is crying, loud sobs which cause his entire body to shudder as he sobs.
Because he's not fine- and he doesn't know how he'll be fine again. His Dad smiles sadly though and pulls Stiles into a hug, pressing a kiss on top of his head
"I'm calling school kiddo' you can take the day off." His Dad says calmly and Stiles tilts his head up from his fathers chest and looks up at the man
"I'm okay, I'm okay." He whispers as if the words themselves could help heal him, but he lost faith in healing a long time ago. His Dad holds him as he repeats this, a mantra he learnt so long ago. Mummy's dead but he's okay,is drunk again but he's okay,'s a werewolf but he's okay,is missing but he's okay,'s murdered a man but he's okay.
"No baby boy, you really aren't." His father whispers and Stiles breaks all over again, crying until he falls asleep again, the man holding him wondering just how everything went so wrong.
Scott turns up later he had received a text from the Sheriff earlier that day, telling him to come urgently after school. Stiles is silent sitting wrapped in a blanket, his hair which he has been growing out in the last couple of months has been smoothed down so much over the course of the day by his worried father.
His friend smiles awkwardly at the Sheriff who nods to Scott and Scott slips next to Stiles who simply stares at him blankly as the Sheriff stands up, removing himself from his sons side, but Stiles didn't react, his eye's barely flickering when the weight on the sofa shifts
"I'm just going to work for a bit okay son? There's been a break in down town, I just need to check- I won't be long." The Sheriff says soothingly and kisses the top of his sons head, smoothing Stiles' hair back again worriedly and shares a look with Scott who already knows what the Sheriff is saying without hearing the words take care of my boy Scott, he's all I have left.
So he settles next to his friend, the scent of despair and pain and so much anxiety in the air. He grabs the remote from by Stiles and places a cartoon on, meaningless and silly- but he knows Stiles doesn't want to talk, so he pulls his friend closer to him, wrapping an arm around the boy he's known since once upon a time, and he lets the cartoons play out and murmurs soft jokes to Stiles.
He talks to the boy about the smell of Alison's hair and her smile that lights the room up like sunshine.
He whispers to Stiles about their old dreams about being Ninja-Space-Wizard-Pirates, and their old ship "Stormageddon" The fiercest ships in all galaxies where no meanies- like Jackson- were allowed on and especiallyno girls (Except Stiles' and his own mothers, because Cookies and Milk were needed to nourish Ninja-Space-Wizard-Pirates) because this ship was all their own, And on the fierce ship Stormageddon no ADHD existed and Stiles didn't have to take yucky medicine and he could play all day long.
When Stiles still remains silent Scott simply holds him tighter, confused as to why the younger member of his pack is so hurt and so quiet, the only signs of his ADHD the unnatural stillness that possessed Stiles.
But eventually as always a text from Alison comes and she wants to meet and her hair is like chocolate and her smile the warmth of a fire on a cold day and he knows its selfish but he hugs Stiles tighter and kisses his best friends forehead before leaving. Unaware of the damage he was about to cause.
__Breathe_
I'm too tired to listen.
I'm too old to believe:
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust. (1)
The almost silence of a house when you're alone is unnatural, it's terrifying. On the television a film he remembers from so long ago is playing, a little girl looking out at him and he whispers the words of a song he thought he had understood
"I am not a child now, I can take care of myself. I Mustn't let them down now. Mustn't let them see me cry. I'm fine. I'm fine. " He whispers along, remembering his mother once again as the world around him burns a grey. He remembers her dying, remembers Daddy so sad that nothing he did would make it better, but he had to try he had to smile even though he didn't believe in Faith, trust or Pixie dust. He was tired of wishing upon a star, so at her funeral he had remembered these words, clear as day and had whispered them again and again as they buried her, he had let that last tear escape because he refused to let Daddy cry again, even if that hurt him.
And eventually it stopped hurting, he couldn't feel any hurt.
There was no magic in the world and he was okay with that, even if every so often that knowledge stole his breath away, the bleaknessof life shattered him into pieces. But he's fineand that smile could be bigger if you wanted it to be. He'll try, well he tried.
But he's so tired. And everyone's left now, he's alone. His father has Scott and Melissa now and he knows it selfish, he had told Lydia as much, but there's no one left apart from his Father who won't move on straight away but he'll move on.
Somehow his body moves before he can catch up with it and he finds himself under a cold stream of water beating down at him as he is under it, fully clothed. The stinging cold of the water causes him to feel almost but he's hardly paying attention to his physical body, he can't particularly feel any pain, he can't particularly feel anything.
" You see, death doesn't happen to you. It happens to everyone around you. It happens, to all the people left standing around at your funeral trying to figure out how they're going to live the rest of their lives now without you in it ... but who would come to mine?" Stiles whispers holding a razor in his hand and wondering what it would be like to bleed.
So he does, the water beating down on him in stained from the deep red which is exiting his body from the deep cut in his wrist, the blood trickling down his hand and dancing around his fingers, darkly beautiful. It holds life within it and now it is leaving him, running and dancing along as his vision becomes blurry and maybe he hears someone call his name, screaming at him not to leave, but there's life escaping his wrist and he's too numb to feel.
And there's no such thing as faith, trust or pixie dust, by that hand there is no miracles or hope. The world is cruel and dark and he's so done, so he closes his eye's and lets go with the feeling of strong arms around him.
"Baby boy please, please don't leave me alone."
-HK-
So I feel Stiles is always freaking smiling and for once I wanted to kind of cut open those layers you see in glimpses on the show and try and figure out what Stiles might be behind that big ol' sunny grin that Dylan o'brien stole my heart with :)
(1) I'll try - Jonatha Brooke
