Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon. Nintendo does. Camilla Sandman owns the idea of Fanfiction Universities; I don't. I don't even own the various mistakes that will be featured in this fic; I took them from real badfics (although they won't be named; suffice it to say that if you recognize something I use from one of your fics, alteration of your fic may be required). Although I did come up with Laitas, to the best of my knowledge. Considering the sheer size of the Pokémon fanfiction section, though, someone's probably called her Laitas at some point. I don't own Farla, either, and mean her no offense by what one of my characters thinks of her; it's the character's opinion, not mine. Also, I do not own most of the questions in the form: several are from other OFU forms, some are from Falcon Quinn and the Black Mirror, and a few are from Adventure Comics Issue #5, if I'm remembering correctly. In addition, I do not own The Ironic Overpower; so far as I can tell, Meir Brin and the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy do.

I do own my characters. I also own any characters who you sign over to me, although you still have part-ownership due to having created the person to begin with. I also own a few of the questions in the form, although I have no problem whatsoever with anyone using them.

As usual, please note that registration should be via PM. Review registration will result in…oh, what's a sufficient deterrent? Oh, I know! I'll turn all of your chocolate into spinach for the rest of your life. That should do it, I think.

Without further ado…


Official Pokémon Fanfiction University, Galactic Wing

"We appreciate your allowing us to use this building as part of the University, Saturn."

The Galactic Commander shrugged. "Better than tolerating those silly fanfictions where they pair me with Cyrus." He shuddered in horror. "Really, did they not talk to me after Spear Pillar? I never liked him. I merely wanted to study what he could do. Is that so hard to grasp?"

Chuckling, the Warrior of Many Faces replied, "Apparently so. Then again, studies have shown that fangirls have 99% less brain than an average human."

"Really?"

"No. But it would explain a lot," Warrior snickered, interrupting his own humming of a few bars of the Village Bridge theme.

"So it would," Saturn agreed. "Moving on. Cyrus and Giratina say they've finished calibrating the plotholes for University use. The minis seem to have stopped trying to kill each other, and Red's finally finished his lecture on Gary Stus, so that's ready to go."

"I am a toffee apple."

"What?" Saturn asked with a look of total bewilderment.

The Warrior waved it off. "Sorry. One of my personas is known as The Illogician. The name speaks for itself, I think."

"…if you say so." Saturn was not used to the Warrior's MPD yet. It didn't help that he had no idea what had caused it; anyone who asked never received any satisfactory answer.

"Anyway, once Mew's finished reorganizing her Legendary 101 notes, you should be able to send out the applications."

"Good." The Warrior grinned fiendishly, his face turning blood-red and looking rather inhuman. "Those badfic writers will never see this coming. AhahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Unfazed by the Warrior's Goblin Cackle, Saturn remarked, "If they hadn't maligned my character so badly, I'd feel sorry for them with you as Course Coordinator."

"You think your character's maligned?" the Warrior said. "Unless you're N, you don't get to complain. The poor guy's refusing to come out of the Staff Haven until at least a couple of weeks into the semester. He's that scared of what they'll try to do."

"What kind of name is 'N', anyway?" Saturn wondered. "It's a very odd name."

"This from the guy named 'Saturn'," the Warrior pointed out.

"Point taken."

"Anyway, don't waste your pity on the students," the Warrior advised. "Most of them don't deserve it. Especially this one." He handed a folder to Saturn, who began leafing through it.

"…you're right, they don't deserve any pity or mercy whatsoever."

The Warrior grinned. "I thought you'd see it my way."


Somewhere in the untamed wilderness of Fanfiction

ash wuz goig two alto mare tu C laitas agen. wen he got there, he kissed her and sedd your verry butifull how cn i resist U?

oh ash your so hansome an charmin pleez dump that dump misty girl an mari me!

YES! i wil mary U and mak U hapi forever!


1911 hours, somewhere in XXX XXXXXXX, XXXXX, XXX XXXXXX XXXXXX XX XXXXXXX, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, Sector 2814, The Universe, The Multiverse

(Please note that locations omitted are for the protection of the people named herein. In fact, all non-Pokémon characters and locations have had their names changed for their own protection)

Elisabeth Baker typed furiously, a grin decorating her face.

"Take THAT, you Pokéshippers! I laugh in your face as I prove that Misty was never meant to be with Ash!" she yelled in a somewhat insane manner.

"Hey, some of us would like some peace and quiet to write some actual fanfiction, Liz," her brother called from the other room.

"Shut up, Clark," Liz called back. "I can't concentrate without yelling!"

"I can't concentrate with it, so at least turn it down a notch!"

Rolling her eyes, Liz completely ignored him, continuing to criticize Pokéshippers at unhealthy volume levels. And Advanceshippers. And Pearlshippers. And Negaishippers.

She was a bit of a fanfiction legend in the Pokemon section, being known for having over one hundred stories that involved Ash with pretty much anyone except for Misty, May, Dawn, or Iris. It was somewhat peculiar, and even she couldn't say why she disliked those four so much, but she hated them as much as she loved Ash.

The sheer fact that she had so many stories that supported so many shippings had brought her a very large fanbase, and she rarely got negative reviews. The ones she did get were usually from her brother (who she rarely, if ever, paid attention to), shippers of The Four Companions mentioned previously (who she also usually ignored), or Farla, and she never listened to Farla. Everyone she knew said that Farla amused herself by flaming perfectly good fics.

On the other hand, she never really remembered any reviews other than the blatantly negative ones (which she remembered to complain about) or the gushingly positive ones (which she read whenever she needed to forget the blatantly negative reviews), so the case could be made that her judgment was skewed.

All this explained why she was going to be the first student recruited to the Official Pokémon Fanfiction University.


Clark Baker gritted his teeth as Liz clearly ignored his polite (somewhat) request to stop yelling so loudly. She never listened to him. It was very, very annoying.

And it wasn't as if Mom and Dad were there to make her be relatively civil; they wouldn't be back from their date for at least three hours.

He wasn't going to be able to do much with this chapter (in which his OCs, Clara and Phil, beat Blaine up with surprising ease; never mind that they were twin Grass trainers) tonight, so he saved the Word document and turned to his other hobby: using the review system to apply logic to Liz's stories (generous amount of sarcasm included). He wasn't really expecting her to heed his reviews (she never had in the past), but he always had fun picking apart her stories.

Pulling up her most recent story (posted five seconds ago), he began to scan through it, grimacing at the many misspellings and the downright bad writing thereof.

And then he heard her scream.

Not her usual outraged scream from when she encountered Pokéshipping, or her insane screams from when she was writing, but a genuinely panicked scream.

Without even thinking about it, he was up and running towards Liz's room…

…only to come to a screeching halt when he saw what was going on in there.

Liz, covered in blood (he had no idea why), was pushing her wheeled chair backwards away from the computer. With good reason, as the laptop screen, instead of a Word document or , now displayed a pentagon in a shade of red that was demonic, reminiscent of blood, and utterly painful to behold. Several beings were spilling out of this pentagon, with forms that he vaguely recognized: although his Red and Blue days were behind him, he seemed to recall that they were the various forms of Missingno (weren't they too small, though?).

In addition, Liz was muttering "It shot me. The red shot me. It shot blood at me." She was clearly in shock, because she wasn't making much sense.

Overall, the scene was very surreal, which explained why he was simply staring instead of saying anything.

Especially since a lot of the Missingnos were saying "Mommy! Mommy!"

To Liz.

He really hoped that was a mistake of some sort.

"Quiet! Greet Mommy later!" one (an Aerodactyl skeleton) yelled, making the others quiet down to an excited murmur.

The Aerodactyl skeleton then pushed a large pile of stapled-together papers towards Liz. "Read."

Unfortunately, she was still rather in shock over the whole chain of events (not that he could blame her; so was he), and thus didn't seem to register what the Missingno had said.

"Read," he insisted.

Apparently it got through this time, as she picked up the papers and began to read. As she did, she muttered "Mommy? What are they talking about?"

Well, that was a relief.

"And you," the Aerodactyl skeleton said, tossing a similarly large stack of papers toward Clark, who barely managed to catch it.

He began reading the first page, eyes steadily widening as he got further.

"To Mr. Clark Baker,

We have become aware that you are cluttering the realms of Pokémon fanfiction with substandard stories (also known as badfic). Charges against you include:

1. Creation of seven Gary Stus

2. Creation of three Mary Sues

3. Creation of five Plotholes

4. Misuse of twelve Pokémon moves

As a result of these findings, you are hereby invited to the Official Pokémon Fanfiction University, where we will proceed to correct your writing problems in the most painful way we can imagine.

Should you refuse our invitation, please note that the website will not allow you to publish or alter any of your fics in the Pokémon section. Incidentally, a new username will not fool our program, so don't bother.

Please fill out the following forms in preparation of attendance at OPFU.

Thank you, and remember the school motto: 'It is a pain to learn how to learn through pain'.

Signed,

The Warrior of Many Faces, Course Coordinator of OPFU, Sergeant Sarcasm, Village Bridge Fanatic, JR-X, The Thirteenth, The Illogician, The Goblin, Whistling Wonder, The Hunter, Lord of the Lanterns, and other sundry titles."

Clark gulped. This didn't sound good. At all.

At least, assuming this wasn't some surreal dream. Which he supposed it might be.

"WHAT?" Liz yelled. "Since WHEN is Professor Oak too old for Ash? And who cares about punctuation?"

"That why you need University," one of the Missingnos pointed out.

Clark couldn't help but snicker.

"Laugh it up, Clark. Obviously your fics are as bad as mine if you're going to this place too," she pointed out acidly.

"I doubt that," he replied mildly, turning the page over. "There are probably several degrees of 'badfic-ness'. Mine can't possibly be as bad as yours."

"Stop trying to confuse me with logic, Clark! You're as bad as Farla! She's logical, and you're logical! She's insulting, and you're insulting! She's rude, and you're rude! She's-."

Since he had heard this lecture before, he ignored her and focused on the form, grabbing a pen from his pocket to fill it out.

The questions were weird, but not any weirder than the Missingnos. Clark just figured he'd humor the critters and fill in whatever came to mind.

Occasionally he'd hear Liz yell out a complaint or question.

"Why do they need us to tell them what species we are?"

Clark shrugged. "Dunno. Just fill out whatever, I guess."

"What the heck does 'elaborate' mean?"

"It means to explain the circumstances behind something, basically," Clark replied absentmindedly.

"This form is really freaking long!"

One of the Missingos answered her this time. "That is point. Point of University is teach through pain. Long forms painful."

Clark had to admit, that made sense, in a sadistic sort of way.

"These questions are pointless!"

"There is point," another Missingno argued. "Point is torture."

"They don't even make sense!"

The Missingno sighed. "Already said why. Finish forms."

"Fine, whatever, Mister Bossy," Liz said sulkily.

It took an unreasonably long time to finish the forms, as several copies apparently had to be made (one for each paperwork department, apparently). Clark had pretty much given up on any hope of this being a dream; he would never have dreamed up something this boring.

Finally, though, he was at the end, reading the warning statement above the place where he signed his name.

"I, the undersigned, do understand that by affixing my signature onto the blank below, I hereby cede all of my rights and dignity to the staff of The Official Pokémon Fanfiction University; I understand that the University is then free to do as it wishes with them, without legal action on my part, until the University sees fit to relinquish this claim to my rights and dignity. I understand that by signing, I state that The Official Pokémon Fanfiction University and its staff will not be held legally responsible for injuries or death incurred during the semester. I understand that in the event of my death, I will be resurrected by Arceus, although this is no guarantee that death or resurrection will not be painful. I understand that, should I fail to sign, I hereby relinquish any claims to writing fanfiction in the Pokémon section. I acknowledge that, if I refuse to obey any of the above, I am open to legal, physical, and/or mental attacks on my person from various Pokémon canon characters. I also understand that this is not actually a proper legal document, but that it is binding regardless of legality or my signing the document.

x_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"

Clark's eyes glazed over at some point during the statement; it was boring, so he skipped over it and signed his name. Besides, those statements weren't especially important, right?

And above, the Ironic Overpower, a vindictive being known for causing all painfully ironic situations in fiction, began to laugh.

"Now what?" Clark wondered, passing the form to one of the Missingnos, noting that somehow, Liz had finished before he had.

A Missingno explained, "Now we go to University."

Liz raised her hand. "Um, I think that XXXX XXX High School might object to that, considering that we're enrolled there and it's the middle of the school year."

For once, Clark had to concede that she had a point.

And just then, he heard a car door slam outside. His parents were home? Already?

Or had it seriously taken him three hours to fill out that form?

Checking his watch, he found that it was the latter.

"No time explain. Go now," a Missingno exclaimed.

And then, with a flash of blue/brown that was nearly as painful as the laptop's red, Clark lost consciousness.

He would later look back on this occasion as the least painful part of the coming year.

Yes, it can get worse than painful colors and a three-hour-long form with nonsensical questions.

Remember, this is an OFU.


Quick author's notes:

If you care to register a character, the form will follow; there is no need to add the Detailed Information when registering, although don't let me stop you if you really want to. If you don't, you might want to look anyway, since I've included both Clark's and Liz's forms to show how it works. If you don't care about any of the above, just go to the next chapter. Assuming I've put it up when you see this. If not, click that button at the bottom and let me know what you think. Actually, do that anyway, please.

BASIC INFORMATION: FILL IN THE BLANK

Real Name:

Clark Baker

Username:

Shadow Lucario

What do we call you?

Clark, preferably.

How old are you?

16

Species:

Human

If human, please specify Pokémon team:

Lucario, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Squirtle, Ivysaur, Charizard

If Pokémon, please specify species:

N/A

Describe your appearance:

Black hair, brown eyes, light skin. About 5'10" and 150 lbs. I usually wear a t-shirt and jeans.

What Pokémon media have you seen/played? How frequently?

Saw a few episodes of the anime once. Have played Pokémon Red, Blue, Gold, Silver, Emerald, Diamond, Platinum, Heartgold, and Black fairly often.

Do you have any allergies that we should be aware of?

None.

BASIC INFORMATION: PLEASE CHOOSE ONE

ARE YOU…

Male? Female? Genderless?

Male

Good? Evil? Neutral?

Good

YOUR FANFICTION WORK: FILL IN THE BLANK

Why do you write Pokémon fanfiction?

I think it's a cool universe with a lot of storyline potential.

In what genres do you typically write?

Adventure/Humor

If you love/lust/desire/have a crush on any of the canon characters, which ones?

Flannery's kinda hot (pun unintended). So is Misty.

If you support any particular shippings, which ones?

None

Who is your favorite character(s) and why?

I like Lucario. Aura abilities are very interesting. I've mentioned Flannery and Misty.

What is your least favorite character(s) and why?

I hate Feebas for being so hard to find. I dislike Ash for being stupid.

Have you ever attempted to write poetry? Elaborate if so.

Fourth-grade English assignment. This is better left undescribed, believe me.

YOUR FANFICTION WORK: PLEASE CHOOSE ONE

ARE YOU…

Very familiar with canon? Somewhat familiar with canon? Only minimally aware of canon? Completely unaware of canon?

Very familiar with canon

DO YOU…

Occasionally put slash into your stories? Frequently put slash into your stories? Always put slash into your stories? Never put slash into your stories?

Never put slash into your stories

YOUR FANFICTION WORK: YES/NO QUESTIONS

Are you aware that you have written one or more Mary Sues/Gary Stus?

Yes/No/I am now that you've told me/A what?

I am now that you've told me

DETAILED INFORMATION: FILL IN THE BLANK (BE SURE TO FILL OUT EVERYTHING ON THIS PART OF THE FORM)

What do you fight for?

I don't fight for anything, really…

What do you fear?

Heights and drunk drivers.

What do you hope for?

The return of Prohibition.

Who do you love?

In descending order: my family, fanfiction, and Thin Mints.

What do you hate?

Geometry.

What do you want?

A lifetime supply of Thin Mints would be nice…

Who do you feel sympathy for?

Not an overly sympathetic person.

What is the capital of Vermont?

I dunno

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

The Thin Mint limited edition ice cream

If you were a fish, what kind of fish do you think you'd be?

Stingray

Assume you are a bus driver. If your route begins at 6:00 AM and the following are true: At 6:00 AM, five passengers get on board. At 6:30, three passengers leave and seven get on. At 7:00, one passenger leaves and another gets on. At 7:30, two people leave and no people get on. At 8:00, two people leave and no people get on. At 8:30, one person gets on and another gets off.

Assuming all of the above is true, at 7:30 AM, what is the average speed of a sparrow in flight?

Huh?

If y=mx+b, y=why, m=me, x=Xylophone, and b=Bob, what is wrong with the following equation: why=me x Xylophone Bob?

Huh?

DETAILED INFORMATION: TWO-OPTION QUESTIONS

Have you ever been to Egypt?

No

Can you see your own reflection in a mirror?

Yes

Fire—good or bad?

Good

Would you like to live forever?

No

Do you like Hannah Montana?

NO

Do you drink diet sodas?

No

Is Pluto a planet or an asteroid, in your opinion?

Asteroid

Do you prefer to sleep during the day or at night?

Night

Do you prefer military or standard time?

Standard

If Spider-Man and Batman were to fight, who do you think would win?

Batman

Does cheese taste yellow to you?

No

Do you consider clowns to be funny or scary?

Funny

BASIC CANON TEST: FILL IN THE BLANK

Which city does Brock come from?

Pewter City

How many badges are there to get in Kanto?

Eight

Who is the Professor that lives in New Bark Town?

Elm, I think.

Name all of the times that Team Rocket appears in Heartgold/Soulsilver.

Slowpoke Well, Goldenrod City Radio Tower, Mahogany Town, and around Nugget Bridge.

Where were the Red and Blue Orbs found in Hoenn?

Mt. Pyre, I think…

The third-generation games introduced two champions. Name them both.

Wallace and…Juan? Maybe?

Where do you first encounter Cynthia in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum?

Eterna City.

Explain how Cynthia's team changes in Platinum from Diamond/Pearl.

She has a Togekiss instead of a Gastrodon.

Explain how Cynthia's team changes in Black/White from Platinum.

Instead of Togekiss and Roserade, she has Eelektross and Braviary.

What is wrong with Ghetsis's Hydreigon?

There's something wrong with it?

BASIC INFORMATION: FILL IN THE BLANK

Real Name:

Elisabeth Baker

Username:

AntiMistyMayDawnIris

What do we call you?

Liz or anti. Whatever.

How old are you?

14

Species:

I wanna B ashs Pikachu!

If human, please specify Pokémon team:

I wanna B ashs Pikachu!

If Pokémon, please specify species:

I wanna B ashs Pikachu!

Describe your appearance:

I wanna B ashs Pikachu!

What Pokémon media have you seen/played? How frequently?

Ive seen alot of the tv show. I watch it ALL THE TIME!

Do you have any allergies that we should be aware of?

Im lactose intolarant

BASIC INFORMATION: PLEASE CHOOSE ONE

ARE YOU…

Male? Female? Genderless?

Female (the word "Duh" is scribbled near the question)

Good? Evil? Neutral?

Good ofcourse!

YOUR FANFICTION WORK: FILL IN THE BLANK

Why do you write Pokémon fanfiction?

Ash is SO HOTT!

In what genres do you typically write?

ROMANCE!

If you love/lust/desire/have a crush on any of the canon characters, which ones?

ASH!

If you support any particular shippings, which ones?

anything except Pokéshipping, Advanceshipping, Pearlshipping, or Negaishipping. ASH DESERVES BETTAR!

Who is your favorite character(s) and why?

ASH! Hes so HOTT! and CUTE!

What is your least favorite character(s) and why?

Misty, May, Dawn, Iris, because THEY STEEL ASH AWAY!

Have you ever attempted to write poetry? Elaborate if so.

I writ lots of poetry for my fics. It maks things so romantic…

YOUR FANFICTION WORK: PLEASE CHOOSE ONE

ARE YOU…

Very familiar with canon? Somewhat familiar with canon? Only minimally aware of canon? Completely unaware of canon?

Somewhat familiar with canon (It should be noted that nearby she wrote "Why do they care about canons? Their arent any in Pokemon…)

DO YOU…

Occasionally put slash into your stories? Frequently put slash into your stories? Always put slash into your stories? Never put slash into your stories?

Frequently put slash into your stories

YOUR FANFICTION WORK: YES/NO QUESTIONS

Are you aware that you have written one or more Mary Sues/Gary Stus?

Yes/No/I am now that you've told me/A what?

A what?

DETAILED INFORMATION: FILL IN THE BLANK (BE SURE TO FILL OUT EVERYTHING ON THIS PART OF THE FORM)

What do you fight for?

I fight for Ash!

What do you fear?

Flames

What do you hope for?

Ash to be real. Can't be any weirder than a red that shoots blood at you, right?

Who do you love?

ASH!

What do you hate?

Misty, May, Iris, Dawn. They r EVILL!

What do you want?

May, Misty, Dawn, and Iris tosed of a clif whil Ash kises me…

Who do you feel sympathy for?

Juliet from Romoe and Juliet.. y did she haff too dye?

What is the capital of Vermont?

What?

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Choclate! I want som rite now, actully...

If you were a fish, what kind of fish do you think you'd be?

A dolfin!

Assume you are a bus driver. If your route begins at 6:00 AM and the following are true: At 6:00 AM, five passengers get on board. At 6:30, three passengers leave and seven get on. At 7:00, one passenger leaves and another gets on. At 7:30, two people leave and no people get on. At 8:00, two people leave and no people get on. At 8:30, one person gets on and another gets off.

Assuming all of the above is true, at 7:30 AM, what is the average speed of a sparrow in flight?

Um, Im faling algebra rite now…

If y=mx+b, y=why, m=me, x=Xylophone, and b=Bob, what is wrong with the following equation: why=me x Xylophone Bob?

Yeah. Stil faling algebra.

DETAILED INFORMATION: TWO-OPTION QUESTIONS

Have you ever been to Egypt?

No

Can you see your own reflection in a mirror?

Yes

Fire—good or bad?

Bad

Would you like to live forever?

Yes

Do you like Hannah Montana?

Yes

Do you drink diet sodas?

No

Is Pluto a planet or an asteroid, in your opinion?

(This was left blank; she wrote nearby "Isnt he a dog?")

Do you prefer to sleep during the day or at night?

Night (nearby she has once again written "Duh")

Do you prefer military or standard time?

Standard

If Spider-Man and Batman were to fight, who do you think would win?

Spider-Man (she scrawled nearby "Tobey Maguire is so HOTT!)

Does cheese taste yellow to you?

No (she drew a picture of cheese near the question, also writing "Does yellow even hav a taste?")

Do you consider clowns to be funny or scary?

Scary

BASIC CANON TEST: FILL IN THE BLANK

Which city does Brock come from?

He doesn't he travells wiff Ash

How many badges are there to get in Kanto?

Twelve, counting the Orange Islands

Who is the Professor that lives in New Bark Town?

I think his nam is L? Somthing lik that?

Name all of the times that Team Rocket appears in Heartgold/Soulsilver.

I dont play the games

Where were the Red and Blue Orbs found in Hoenn?

Dunno

The third-generation games introduced two champions. Name them both.

Stephen and walace

Where do you first encounter Cynthia in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum?

Dunno, I dont play the games

Explain how Cynthia's team changes in Platinum from Diamond/Pearl.

Dunno

Explain how Cynthia's team changes in Black/White from Platinum.

Cynthia is in black and white?

What is wrong with Ghetsis's Hydreigon?

whos Ghetsis? whats hydreigon?