Hillo everyone! I have returned. Now I doubt anyone noticed my absence::::sniff-sniff::: But that's all right. I had planned on writing a song-fic, it just wasn't coming out right. So instead I give you a story inspired by a song. I of course included the lyrics to the song. So Weird is not mine. But it's on my Christmas list! Diamond Rio isn't mine either. I won't mind a diamond or two though!
One More Day- Diamond Rio
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
2:00 o'clock and I'm still awake, just like every other night for the past 12 years. I thought I'd be custom to it by now and not allow it to get to me. It does though. Every night or early morning I stare at the ceiling the tears falling over in complete silence. I try to fall back to sleep, try to forget him. In the daylight, walking around I almost feel whole again. As if I can place the past safely behind me. Then I lay down for bed and fear it. Because that's where I'm the most fornable to the memories. It's usually a few minutes after two I finally manage to sleep, and it's not a calm sleep. He seems to haunt my dreams, control them. I should be pleased for this ability to see him again. But I hate it! I want to hold him for real not in a dream.
I awake, unsatisfied from the sleep and wanting just a few more minutes, or an hour. I can't allow them to know I have been having the dreams. Everyone thinks they stopped a few weeks after they began. I was tired of people constantly asking if I was better luck sleeping. I was sure they'd assisted I get professional help, maybe I should. Jack would roll his eyes if he knew of the dreams and gently tell me to move on, to let him go. Fiona would freak out and wanted every single detail, then wonder why I never told her about it. I want to avoid that, I need to avoid that.
Quickly I am able to temporally put the night in the back of my head. Run around doing errands, working in the studio, and everything else that makes my life normal. I love it. Just the fact I know I can manage a perfectly sane way of living. Then there are the moments I'll pass by a certain picture or an object that belonged to him. There is no saying might trigger the floodgates of memories, I can go days without it happening at all. When it does I almost feel like I have been knocked to my knees. I can barely breath as if I were standing with water covering my head. Why can't he leave me alone?! He left me and has no right to return to me like this!
I don't think I will ever completely move on with life, and I really don't to either. No matter how difficult the memories may be at times, others they become a sweet comfort. It's just when they become over whelming I begin to regret it. It's like he is unwilling to let go of my memory and wants to stay forever. I would want him to stay as well but it can't be like this! We can't be happy with one of us being dead. It just won't work out. He'll never be able to return to flesh and bone, and I am not willing to die. Until the day I am able to join him the night of my dreams will belong to us. I just wish he knew how it was destroying me inside. Yet I can't imagine losing him forever.
