Ava was very good at pretending. As a little girl, her favorite game had been make believe, and then in high school she loved to daydream that Raylan Givens would wander back into town and whisk her away to Lexington and a perfect happily ever after in the city.

There was a while she didn't need to pretend, when she was first married to Bowman and things were good she got to be happy with what was real and true. It was the best feeling in the world.

But she slipped back into pretending when Bowman started pushing her around, and then smacking her around, and finally there wasn't anything to do but drink until she was a completely different person, no more Ava, no more Bowman, sure as hell no more bruises that can't be covered proper and knowing looks in town…

After she shot her husband, she would have lived high for a while pretending she'd never been married and she was still just a fresh kid, but then Raylan showed up at her front door, and in a brief moment of insanity she would never regret, she imagined he was her husband coming home after a trip away and she leaned in and kissed him hello. She played the same game making chicken dinner and just about every time after that they were alone.

It wasn't quite as easy to hold on to when she was alone, but she was more dreamy and hopeful than wishing she could escape another beating.

But her imagination failed her completely after he made it more than possible to get her far, far away. And whiskey wasn't quite as helpful either. In stead of erasing her whole horrible past, the only thing she could think of was a hundred ways Raylan would show up again and beg her to take him back and stay or admit he was going to go off with her, and every single time she caved and took him back. Her resolve just wasn't that strong soaked in old Kentucky rye. She had to sober herself up or risk being the one begging the next time she ran into the marshal. She wouldn't remember she was pissed and hurt if she couldn't manage to stand up straight, and if she couldn't manage that she knew full well what she'd end up doing. That she simply would not allow. It was one indignity too many for her already pathetic life. She needed to eat and dry out.

Maybe she'd hit a bar first…

).(.).(.).(

I don't own Justified. I was just struck by Ava's confession about her pretending at the end of 'The Hammer' and thought I'd share my musing.