Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!
It had been about five days since Sweeney Todd had exposed the italian barber, Aldolfo Pirelli, as a fraud and Mrs Lovett sat in her dear deceased Albert's favorite chair as she watched her dear not so deceased barber pace around his shop. As she sat watching Sweeney, she couldn't help but think of a question that had been plaguing her since he saw through the italian's ruse. Maybe now was a good time to ask him?
"Mista T, can I ask ya sumthin'?"
"Of course," muttered Sweeney Todd, only half listening to his annoying landlady's drabble as he usually did.
"'Ow did ya know that that Pirelli was selling piss in a bottle?" She looked at him with eyes filled with curiosity. "I mean, ya jus' looked at it all quick like and knew…"
Sweeney just stood there staring out the window of his shop for some time. "Mrs Lovett, what I am about to tell you I have not told other living soul…I trust you with this information and you must promise me that you will only keep it to yourself…"
Mrs Lovett was somewhat shocked by this request but answered, "O' course, dear, I promise."
"Very good." Sweeney Todd took a deep breath. "...I had to drink me own urine for three months to survive on the raft I made after I escaped from Australia."
"Ya drank…ya own piss?"
"Yes, it was sort of like Waterworld, only my raft was better than bloody Kevin Costner's because mine was made from live sea turtles."
"Wut in the name god is Waterworld?" asked Mrs Lovett, utterly confunded.
Sweeney stared into space for a good five minutes until he answered, "That's not the point…"
"Wait a minute, ya used live sea turtles ta make ya escape raft?"
Sweeney only nodded as he continued to stare off into space.
"Wut the bloody 'ell did ya use fer rope then?"
"Human hair…"
Mrs Lovett raised an eyebrow at this.
"…from my back."
"Oh, yes, naow I undastand…ya drank ya own piss on a raft ya made from live sea turtles which you tied together with rope made of 'uman 'air from ya back…WHEN YA WERE BLOODY SURROUNDED BY WATER THE 'OLE BLOODY TIME?" Mrs Lovett screamed as she jumped up from her chair.
"Are you daft, Mrs Lovett? Don't you know that drinking sea water makes you crazy? Everyone knows that," Sweeney stated matter-of-factly.
"Oh, well, tha's a diff'rent matter then…"
"I found that out because after the third month I was forced to drink the sea water because I was unable to urinate anymore…"
"Ah." Mrs Lovett plopped back down on her chair, satified with the amount of worthless, if not quite disturbing, information she had gotton out of the barber. Next thing she'd know, they'd be baking people into pies. Like that would ever happen. What to do now? Oh, she could always ramble on as she usually did about nothing at all. Her attentions wandered back to the chair she was sitting in.
"S'not much of a chair, but it'll do. Was me poor Albert's chair, sat in it all day 'e did…"
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A/N: Well, I hoped you like it. This is my first Sweeney fic so please be kind.
If you don't know, the end of this story takes place at the beginning of "Wait". Cause you know the most important part of the story is the ending…
Lots and lots of bloody randomness went into this story…I mean Waterworld, Pirates of the Carribean obviously, a little Ed Wood if ya squint, Willy Wonka kinda, The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack and who knows what else…idk
Oh and do not advise that anyone start drinking their own urine…even if you are stranded on a sea turtle raft for three months…JUST DON'T DO IT.
BTW did I break the fourth wall? oops...
I REGRET NOTHING!
Reviews are love.
