The meaning of life, something people ponder every day. I have thought about it myself, lying in bed staring up at the ceiling, watching the shadows bend and change as night turns to day and day turns to night. I wondered what meaning my life had. I once had purpose; meaning. But just like everything else in the world, it crumpled before it could be fulfilled. That changed just like the seasons, just like the weather. One day- that's all it took; one day for it all to change.

I rolled over in bed and stared at the clock, watching as the red numbers changed. My thoughts kept going back to two months ago, months that I would rather forget. I squeezed my eyes shut; shoving the heels of my hand into them, hoping that the pain would allow me to momentarily forget. Temporarily forgetting was easy- all you had to do was either inflict pain on yourself or take a rather long nap. I've been going for the latter which was one of the reasons I was holed up in my room.

I heard the sound of dishes being placed in the dishwasher and knew my dad was up. Funny though, I don't think I heard him at all while I've been staying here. I ran my fingers through my oily brown ragged locks and sat up. The room spun around me at this sudden movement that I could guess that staying in bed for two months was definitely not good on my body. I grabbed my light pink robe off the back of the door and slipped it on. I made my way downstairs to find my dad drinking his morning cup of coffee, paper in hand. Hearing my arrival, he glanced up and smiled.

"Morning, Kelly, how are you?" My father, Jeffery, asked as if this was normal, like nothing had ever happened.

I took a seat at the island and glanced out the window, loving the scenery change. "I've been better; don't think I can sleep anymore and staying in that room will drive me stir crazy. I'm trying to cope though." I added as an afterthought.

"I'm glad, sweetheart." He said, smiling as he looked at his watch. "I have to go. Megan called by the way, and she's worried about you. You know that people care for you and worry about you every day."

"I know dad, it's just so hard to… I'll give her a call."

"That's all I ask." He said, giving me a quick kiss on the forehead before he left. I watched as he left, making his way toward his car and I was brought back to the moment when I was younger and I had just experienced my first break up; guess somethings never change.

I glanced at the phone that lay on the counter top before me and wondered if today was the first step toward recovery. My doctor told me that I need to accept the facts and move on; calling Megan would help with that. I picked up the phone and dialed Megan's number; I allowed it to ring a couple of time before I hung up, losing my nerve. I stared at it again, flicking the antenna and wondering what I was doing. I clearly wasn't ready to go through with this. I picked the phone up again and didn't hang up this time. It wasn't that I was scared of Megan, I was scared of the questions she would ask and I was scared that she would bring up… Marcus.

"Hello?" Megan asked, her voice sounding a bit scratchy over the phone.

"Hey, Megan." I said hesitantly.

"Kelly! How are you?"

I gave a shrug despite the fact that she couldn't see it. "I've been better, ever since-" I broke off, my voice catching, almost close to tears.

"I know," she said softly. "I know. I've been worried about you, thinking of you too."

"I'm sorry, Megan, I'm just not myself."

"Do you want to hang out, to talk about it?"

"I don't know, I'm just… I don't know."

"It's okay Kelly; I'm here if you need me."

I paused for a moment, was it a smart idea to stay in my room and wallow in my misery day in and day out because that won't bring him back. I need to stop this pity party and leave this house, at least for an hour.

"Megan, I need to get out of the house today."

"Okay," Megan said a bit surprised at the sudden change of plans. "I'll pick you up in ten minutes."

"Give me thirty."

"Alright then. Oh, and Kelly?"

"Yes?"

"Don't be afraid, there are people here who care about you."

"My dad said the same thing this morning."

"He's right."

"I'll see you soon."

I set the phone down and wondered if this was the right thing. I was starting to doubt myself and the decision I just made. I shook my head, trying to clear my mind of any changes I would make. I headed upstairs hoping that I wouldn't chicken out of doing something normal. I managed to take a shower and changed into clothes other than the pajamas I had been wearing all in the thirty minutes that Megan would pick me up. I heard the car horn beep and grabbed my purse from the floor before I went out the door. Megan was standing outside her car looking at my house and I could only imagine she was thinking about all the times we had at this house, the good, the bad and the unimaginable. I locked the doors and stepped down the step where Megan engulfed me in a hug.

"Hey, you look good." Megan said stepping back and taking a good look at me.

"For a dead girl," I mumbled.

"You're not dead, just very pale. That's what happens, you know."

She was right. I had managed to catch a look at myself in the mirror right before I left and saw I looked like crap. My hair was oily and had split ends; I had bags underneath my sapphire blue eyes and, like she pointed out, I was pale, real pale.

"I feel dead."

Megan rolled her eyes. "Come on, let's go, I bet you're hungry."

At the mention of food, I realized I was starving, I guess it had to do with the fact that I hadn't eaten much when I was in 'solitude'. I got in the car and waited for Megan. Megan and I had been there for each other since I could remember; she has been there for me through it all. She's the sister I always wanted but never had due to the problems between my parents.

"I'm glad you finally left your room. It will do you some good to get some fresh air, some sunshine."

"It's good to be out." I lied. Truth was I wanted to curl up in bed and go back inside but I knew that Megan would continue to call me until I left my room, or she came and pulled me out. Yeah, she would do that.

We arrived at the nice little diner that Megan and I always went to on the weekends so we could get some nice food rather than the cheap crap our parents feed us or in my case my dad. Megan's parents weren't ever home so she ate at my house most nights and my dad isn't known for his cooking, let me tell you. Now, my mom, on the other hand, she could cook. She left us when I was ten, saying she didn't like how my father spent so much time at work and not with her or the family. They got a divorce three months later, my dad gained custody of me and she walked out; never even fought for me. I have never forgiven her for that, not for fifteen years, and I don't think I ever will.

We headed inside and took a seat in our usual booth, close to the bathroom but far enough in the back that no one could overhear us. I picked up the slick menu and glanced at my options; see if anything had changed since the last time I was here. By the looks of it, they hadn't. The waitress appeared, a petite little thing wearing a 50's ensemble to go with this establishment.

"What can I get you guys?" She asked gnawing on her gum like she was a damn cow, I mean really?

"I'll have a Belgium waffle and some hash browns with a diet coke." I said glancing out the window noticing that the sun had disappeared behind dark clouds that promised rain.

"I'll have some pancakes with bacon and scrambled eggs with an orange juice." Megan said smiling at the waitress, hoping she'd leave.

The waitress scribbled it all done and headed toward the kitchen.

"Since I've been MIA, what's been going on?" I asked.

"Well Scott and I are still dating. We even got our own apartment together."

"Really?"

A slight blush crept to Megan's face 'til it was almost red. "Yes, we're happy together. I love him."

"That's good, Megan, I'm happy for you. I know that I can't be happy, not right now any way but that doesn't mean that you have to be unhappy for me."

"Marcus was our friend too, he went to our school, he left and came back for you, and I know you're hurt, but stop pushing us away."

Oh how wrong she was, okay she was entirely wrong but that statement was shit. "It's not that simple."

"Really, because I'm pretty sure that it is; you see, you either wallow away in the pain till you barely recognize yourself or you let the people that love you, take care for you, help you get back on your feet."

I watched the rain pound against the window and wondered why Megan was being so callous. Sure, I was being emotional and was pushing everyone away but why did she have to push me toward the one thing I wasn't quite ready for.

"Megan, please," I said, tears springing to my eyes. "This is so hard, I've tried my best to be strong but those only worked for so long and look what happened to me- I broke down. He's gone, Meg, and I'm never going to see him again. Never going to kiss him again. We aren't going to get married and start a family. Do you expect me to take the things as they are and be 'oh he's gone let's go date again?' No I'm not ready I don't know if I'll ever be ready." I said, the tears falling down my face like the rain on the widow. "I can't do this, he…he's…he's… everything to me." I said, crying.

"I know but you have to get over it sometime, otherwise you won't be living, you'll have a life with nothing to look forward to."

"I have stuff to look forward too, a life where I'll be waiting to go join him; I'm never going to forget him."

"I'm not asking you to forget him; I'm asking you to move on. Marcus wouldn't want you to live a life where the only perk is the end. He'd want you to find someone else; someone who loves you like he loved you."

The waitress returned with our food and placed them in front of us, either ignoring my tears or never noticing them; I bet she was use to such things. It wasn't the first time I broke down in a restaurant and I knew it wouldn't be the last either. I hastily wiped my tears and looked away, hoping to save some of my dignity. We thanked the server and began to eat in silence. I was trying my best not to cry again and I think Megan was trying her best not to tell me to leave my room.

"You'll get through it, Kelly. Your dad's here for you, I'm here for you and so is Scott."

"I know, Megan, I know."

It was awkward after that. We both didn't say much and kept away from the question that had anything to do with Marcus. We finished our meals, each stuffed with how much we ate and I was nursing a headache that had sprung up from nowhere. Our waitress returned and Megan and I split the bill, each placing down a ten, telling her to keep the change.

"Do you want a ride home?" Megan asked, sliding from the booth.

I shook my head. "I'm going for a walk; I have to get things figured out."

"Call me, okay?" She asked, giving me a hug before leaving.

I walked out the door and noticed that it was still raining but I didn't care, I was past caring. I walked down the street and noticed that people were quickly walking down the road hoping to get to their destination without getting totally soaked and others walked with their umbrellas, hailing a taxi. I was hoping the rain could clear my head from the question that were asked and the statements that she had given. I wasn't mad at Megan, but I had to come to an agreement with myself. Something needed to be done, that was for damn sure. But what?

Each face that passed me looked like him, he was everywhere and I couldn't shake the feeling that came with it. I shook my head; this was ridiculous. I was slowly losing it. I needed to get away from the crowd that seemed to push me forward and suffocate me. I began to run. I ran past the people that were around me, not knowing where I was going, to the point where I was colliding into people and causing them to drop their things. I was too far gone to even realize this. So far, being among people wasn't working for me. I hailed a taxi and told them the directions to my doctor's building; she was the only one who could help me right now.

~/~/~/~

I stepped out of the taxi and made a mad dash for the door, trying to dodge the rain drops that fell, impossible task if you thought about it. I stood in the waiting area, shaking from the cold air, the secretary looked at me wondering if she had to call security and have me escorted out. I approached her and tried to give my best smile but knew it came out as more of a grimace.

"I'm here to see Doctor Nash."

"Do you have an appointment?" the woman asked, not looking up.

"No, but-"

She cut me off before I could finish. "The Doctor's busy and if you don't have an appointment then I can't fit you in."

I leaned forward and trying my best not to strangle this incompetent woman. "Look here, Miss… Franklin, Lindsey expects me to come in at odd hours, today is not uncommon. Why don't you call her, see what she says."

I watched as she picked up the phone in her nicely manicured hands and pressed the extension button that fed directly to the Doctor's phone. "Hey Lindsey, there's a woman out here that says you expect her at odd hours. A Miss…"

"Miller. Kelly Miller." I supplied for her.

"Miller. Says her first name is Kelly. I told her you were bus-"

I felt a smile rise to my face as the woman got put in her place, I couldn't hear what Lindsey was telling her, but I knew she was grilling her for her incompetence. Finally the woman set down the phone and gave me a forced smile.

"She will see you now."

I thanked her and walked into Lindsey's office, a nice little room with a fire place to help keep it warm in the winter. It was burning brightly, a leather chair sat in front of it and I knew that in her spare time Lindsey would sit there and read a new psychology book.

"Ah, Kelly, nice of you to stop by." Lindsey said, rising from her desk. "Sorry about that, she's new. Here, take a seat. What's the problem this time?"

I let out a sigh as I took a seat on the loveseat. "I had breakfast with my friend Megan today and she approached the topic of Marcus, but when I left the restaurant I thought I saw him."

"Are you taking your medicine?"

"Yes, but it doesn't affect me the same way anymore."

"I would give you a higher dosage, but I'm afraid of what could happen. You could keep a journal when you feel yourself slipping and when you come back, we can talk about it."

I sat there and stared at the fire that was crackling each time a different part of the log caught on fire.

"Have you talked to anybody else about Marcus besides me or your father and obviously Megan?"

"No, I don't have that many friends. I don't keep in touch with that many people."

"Well then, why don't you tell me a bit about him?"

I glanced at the doctor, wondering why she was asking me this question; I had already answered it a week ago. "You already know, Doctor."

She smiled. "Yes, but it's good to talk about it."

I let out a weary sigh; it already seemed like a long day and it wasn't even noon yet. "Marcus was in the military; the marines. He went to Iraq a year ago, it wasn't till he was ten months in that he got to head back home, I didn't really mind I was in school. We spent the week together, just the two of us. He went back on Sunday and so did I. It was probably a week after he left that I was told he wasn't coming home."

"You're handling it pretty well."

I let out a bitter laugh. "If by better you mean I'm taking medicine and holing myself up in my room, then I'm fine."

"You know that's not what I mean. Anybody who asks will say that to you. You know that."

I did, I had studied phycology before. "I do."

"Good, well why don't you do the journal idea and then come back on Thursday. If you have problems, you know I'll be here."

I stood up and thanked Doctor Nash before leaving the office and heading home, which was me walking down for a block or two before getting a taxi.

~/~/~/~/~/~/~

I arrived home wet and exhausted. The weather had been brutal to me but it brought me to answer questions that I had been avoiding for far too long. Megan was right, I had to move on, get on with my life.

I headed upstairs and changed out of my sopping clothes into a pair of my favorite baby blue yoga pants and a matching tank. I glanced around the room and found what once was neat and orderly was now a pigsty. Clothes lay in crumpled heaps on the floor. There were dishes that once contained food scattered around on every flat surface, there was even the occasional apple. Something had to be done about the mess.

I spent the majority of the day picking up my room and then moving on to the house when that task was completed. I even started a load of laundry. I was doing normal things again, I didn't know if this was a big step or a tiny step that would bring me to the same results. Maybe I was over analyzing the situation or under analyzing. Should I- the sound of the phone startled me out of my mental debate with myself.

"Hello?" I asked picking it up.

"Hey there, sweetheart. I'm going to be a little late tonight so don't bother waiting up."

"You never called me before to tell me you were staying late."

"I know, but I didn't want you to worry."

"Thanks, Dad. Don't work yourself too much. I expect you home at some point."

"Tomorrow, I'll try and be home. No promises. Sleep tight, sweetheart. I love you."

"Love you too."

I hung up the phone and climbed into bed, the day's activities finally catching up to me.