Rating: Mature
Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Category: Gen, M/M
Fandom: Breaking Bad
Relationship: Walter White/Jesse Pinkman
Character: Walter White, Jesse Pinkman


The Study of Change

by heisenbergette

Notes

I don't own anything "Breaking Bad", except my squishy thoughts. And lately, those too also belong to BrBa. I haven't written a lot of BrBa fiction; just a couple of one-shots that added a little more emotion to a couple of scenes. This one picks up right after Walter and Jesse return to Walt's apartment in Season 3, Episode 1 "No Mas". I have freely lifted dialogue straight from some episodes, so if you see something familiar, that's why. All mistakes are mine.


Chapter 1

"You either run from things or you face them, Mr. White."

Walter looked at Jesse, narrowing his eyes slightly. "Now what exactly does that mean?" From the moment the younger man had gotten into Walter's car at the clinic, he hadn't had a lot to say.

"I learned it in rehab," Jesse replied expressionlessly. "It's all about accepting who you really are." He swallowed as he stared into space over Walter's right shoulder. "I accept who I am now."

Walter felt his frown deepen. "And… just who are you?"

"I'm the bad guy."

Walter paused a moment in disbelief, then shook his head. "You're not the bad guy, Jesse." The younger man continued to stare ahead, expressionless. Walter leaned forward and placed his hand on Jesse's leg. "Hey, I mean it."

Jesse finally met his eyes, but his face didn't change. Walter gave his knee a gentle squeeze before letting go and sitting back again. "Jesse, I don't expect you to believe me, but I'm worried about what's going to happen to you if you convince yourself that you're to blame for all of this."

"Jane's dead, isn't she? So are 167 people on those two planes, right? So I figure yeah, I probably deserve some of the blame." He held Walter's gaze for a few seconds before looking away.

Walter scrubbed a hand over his mustache and goatee. He took a deep breath before speaking again. "You aren't. I understand that you probably don't want to talk about this now. Or, or even if we did talk about this, I wouldn't be able to change your mind." He sighed. "If you need me, Jesse, I'll be here. I owe it you to be here for you, and I want to help you, when you're ready to let me." Jesse continued to sit silently. Walter passed a hand over his face again, and gave another sigh before standing up. "Lunch?"

Several more attempts to initiate conversation fell flat as Jesse pushed his food around his plate.

"If you don't care for it, I can make you something else," Walter offered, desperate to see a little more animation from the younger man. "Grilled cheese isn't terribly exciting, but I haven't really picked up more than the essentials."

Jesse shook his head. "No thanks, Mr. White. Just not really that hungry." He dropped his hands to his lap. "I can, uh, do dishes if you want or something."

"If you like," Walter replied absently as he pulled his buzzing cellphone from his pocket. He glanced at it, then pushed back his chair and stood up. "I have a, ah, meeting that I need to get to."

He stopped at the door, swiveling to eye the younger man. "I'll be back soon. This shouldn't take very long. But before I go, Jesse, can you make me a promise?"

Blank eyes turned to face Walter. "I guess it depends on the promise."

It sounded near enough to Jesse's usual attitude that Walter felt heartened. "Can you promise to be here when I get back?" Jesse didn't respond immediately. "Frankly, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't kind of worried about you right now."

Jesse stared at him for a moment. Eventually, he nodded. "Yeah. Um, yeah, Mr. White, I mean, I'll be here."

Walter exhaled explosively with relief, and gave the younger man a tense smile. "Great. Terrific. I will… I will see you when I get back."

Jesse nodded, but didn't say anything else.


After Walter drove away, Jesse robotically emptied the plates and put them into the dishwasher. When he finished, he crossed the room to his temporary bed and climbed beneath the blankets, pulling them tightly around himself and slipping his cellphone out of his pocket. He hit "Send" to redial the last number called.

"Hey, if you're trying to sell me something, I got four little words for you: 'Do Not Call List'. However, if you're cool, leave it at the beep."

Over and over again, he hit the buttons to replay Jane's voicemail message as grief overtook him. He sobbed into the pillows until his chest ached and his eyes ran dry, and then he finally fell asleep.


"Is the food to your satisfaction?"

Walter glanced up. With a polite smile, he replied, "Very much, Mr. Fring, thank you."

"Good to see you again," Gus commented, holding out his hand to Walter. "May I?" Walter returned the handshake and gestured at the open seat in his booth.

The other man slid smoothly onto the bench, and rested his forearms on the table, hands folded neatly together. "I have an offer that I think will interest you."

"I'm, ah, not actually here to…" Walter paused and then sighed. "I am here because… I owe you the courtesy, and the respect… to, uh, tell you this personally." He paused again, and lowered his voice slightly. "I'm done. I'm done with, ah… cooking."

Gus showed no reaction beyond waiting patiently and dispassionately for Walter to continue.

"Um, it has nothing to do with you. I… find you extraordinarily professional, and I can appreciate the way that you do business. I'm making a change to my life, is what this is. I'm at something of a crossroads, and it's brought me to a realization." He paused again, considering his next words. "I'm not a criminal. No offense to people who are, but…" he said, shaking his head for emphasis, "this is not me."

Gus nodded, still wearing his polite managerial smile. "I would like you to hear my offer, notwithstanding."

Walter shook his head. "It won't change my mind, I'm sorry."

"Three million dollars for three months of your time."

Walter nearly gasped in shock, blinking hard and staring at Gus.

"Three months, and then you're out."

"Three million," Walter repeated. Gus nodded.

"May I consider this a 'yes'?"

Walter sat silently a few moments, considering. "May I have a little time to discuss this with my partner?"

Gus' expression shifted slightly. "I was under the impression that your partnership had been dissolved."

"He has recently suffered a personal loss, but he's undergone treatment for a… the condition you mentioned during our first meeting. He's doing much better right now," Walter dissembled.

"I am very pleased to hear it. Are you certain that he would be an asset to you, if you were to accept this opportunity?"

Walter nodded. "Absolutely. Jesse is my partner. He's… he's had his issues, I will admit. But I can honestly say that I wouldn't be able to perform without him. There's a… shorthand that exists between us. An understanding, born from experience. We would be most effective together."

Gus nodded again. "As you say. I can give you twenty-four hours to discuss this with your partner, but I will require an answer by this same time tomorrow."

"Fantastic. How shall I…"

"You can leave that up to me," Gus replied, standing as smoothly as he had sit, extending his hand again, which Walter clasped and shook. "Enjoy your meal, Mr. White."

Walter watched the other man return to his work, without a backward glance. It's as if the meeting never happened, Walter thought. Three million dollars, and it's like it never even happened.


"Okay, okay," Walter muttered to himself as he juggled shopping bags out of the way enough to close his trunk hatch. "Whoops… There we go." With a slam, he dropped the lid, and shifted the bags to carry more comfortably to the apartment.

The door was locked, and he jostled the bags again so he could toggle his key in the lock. The door swung open, and he glanced around the darkened apartment. In what dim light came through the curtains, he saw a huddled form on the couch. With relief, Walter realize that Jesse was apparently only napping. Well, at least he was true to his word, Walter mused, shutting the door as quietly as possible before padding across to put the groceries away.

He heard Jesse stir behind him, and a moment later the younger man was at his elbow. "Do you, uh, want some help with that stuff?" Jesse asked, gesturing to the bags on the counter.

"Sure," Walter replied, a little surprised. "I hope I didn't wake you up."

Jesse shook his head. "Nah, man. I wasn't really sleeping."

Walter spared a glance at the young man. His eyes were red-rimmed and his face was pale. Walter suppressed a sigh. "Hey, I wanted to ask you what your plans are," he said, trying to draw Jesse out. "For the future, I mean. And, ah, if I haven't said it… I probably haven't said it, but I meant to, congratulations for making it through the… the program." Realizing he was rambling, he clarified, "I'm proud of you, Jesse. Really."

The younger man flashed a ghost of a smile. "Thanks," he replied quietly. "Uh… plans. Yeah, I guess you probably want me out of here." He glanced around. "Not exactly as spacious as you're used to, I guess, especially with another person around."

"Oh, no, that's not it at all," Walter broke in.

"No, man, I get it. I appreciate you letting me crash here… I couldn't go back to the…" Jesse shuddered unconsciously. "I'll make some arrangements and be out of here tomorrow."

"No, no," Walter said firmly. "Honestly; you are welcome to stay here for as long as you need to." He waggled his fingers a little. "Or at least as long as I need to be here," he amended. "You," he said pointedly, "are not a problem here. Got it?" Jesse shrugged noncommittally. Walter grabbed his shoulders gently and gave him a little shake. "Seriously. Okay?" He held on until Jesse finally nodded. "Good. Okay, good."

Walter turned back to putting away groceries. "What I meant is… I have no idea how to phrase this delicately, Jesse, so I'll just come out and ask. Do you have any interest in continuing to cook?" He glanced over again, gauging the younger man's reaction. "I don't want to cause you to backslide, or…" he trailed off uncertainly.

To his surprise, Jesse was nodding emphatically. "Absolutely, Mr. White. It's the only thing I'm good at."

"No, no!" Walter said again, shaking his head. "Jesse…" he said haltingly, "look, I don't want to push you to talk to me. I told you that earlier. But please realize that I personally find you at fault for nothing," he said forcefully. "Nothing," Walter repeated, his eyes boring into Jesse's. "Son, I need you to understand this. Something terrible and tragic happened, yes. But it has happened. It is over. You will move on from this."

After a beat, Jesse nodded again. "Yeah. I guess I will."

Walter let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "So, um, if you are amenable to working together again… we have an offer. From our previous benefactor."

Jesse's eyes widened into the first real expression Walter had seen since picking him up. "What's the offer?"

"We give them three months of our time and expertise, and we receive three million in exchange." Jesse's eyes nearly bugged out.

"Three m-mi…"

"Three million dollars," Walter confirmed.

Jesse whistled in disbelief. "Holy shit, man." He sounded almost enough like his former self that Walter grinned. "That's… that's a lot of money."

Walter nodded. "Yes it is. Gus would like for us to let him know by tomorrow afternoon if we're interested. I suppose it's fair to say that you're on board?"

"Uh, hell yeah, Mr. White," Jesse replied. "Let's do it. We can pull the RV out of storage and get moving again." Jesse was nearly animated now, to Walter's pleasant surprise. "Do we need to get pseudo or are we looking to score more methylamine?"

"For that much money, he's going to want more than a few pounds of product per week. And since we first sold him the blue batch, I would imagine he wants more of the same." Jesse nodded, considering.

"Yeah…" He chewed on a ragged fingernail for a minute. "Maybe he has something else in mind? I mean, why give us a timeline, yo? Like, teaching the cook to someone else?"

Walter considered the possibility. "Maybe. All I know for certain is that with one and a half million each, we can spend quite a while figuring out what we want to do next."

Jesse smiled, the expression painfully endearing on his wan face. "Hell yeah, Mr. White."