They'll Learn Much More (Than I'll Ever Know)
Chapter 1 – I see them bloom, for me and you
Chloe was giddy with excitement; her blue eyes sparkled. Beca never particularly felt that way when she was spread eagle in the gynecologist's office, but then who was she to judge? The redhead chatted freely throughout the exam while Beca gritted her teeth, thinking about what the doctor was doing to her wife. Her own lady parts felt a bit numb just from considering it. She allowed her eyes to wander along the ceiling tiles and where the wall met them, never lower than that. She was not even comfortable being present at her own doctor's visits. This was pure torture.
When the doctor was finished, she removed her gloves and washed her hands while Chloe sat up on the exam table, waiting for news. "Chloe, I'll get these samples to the lab and give you a call once we have the results."
The redhead beamed. "Then can we inseminate?" She asked, excitedly. Beca cringed. She wanted children – but the word was just so clinical – and gross.
"As long as everything checks out," the doctor answered with a smile. "I'll talk to you soon. Nice to see you, Beca."
"You too, Dr. G," she said weakly. Once the doctor was gone, Chloe slipped back into her teal and turquoise sundress and slipped her feet back into the matching flats. Beca leaned against the counter, frowning at her phone.
"What's up?" Chloe asked, popping up next to her.
"Nothing," Beca responded. She shoved her phone back into the pocket of her black jeans and looked over at Chloe. "But my meeting was cancelled this afternoon – so I have the rest of the day." Chloe's eyes lit up, as Beca knew they would. "Come on," she said with a quirked smile, taking Chloe's arm. "Let's go to lunch – you can decide there how you're going to torture me for the afternoon." The redhead laughed and picked up her purse, walking with Beca back to the car.
After that appointment, Beca put the entire set of events out of her mind. She had a record she was producing – and it was on a deadline. She was certainly nothing thinking about the doctor's appointment two days later when she was interrupted in the studio.
She was focused in on her work when one of the secretaries from the front office knocked timidly on the door. Most of the office staff wouldn't dare interrupt during a studio session – but there were always exceptions. Beca pressed the intercom, asked the artist to take a break, told her own production assistants to take five, and opened the door. Penelope, one of Beca's favorites – was standing there, holding a cordless phone. She was biting her lip uncertainly. "I'm sorry, Beca. I know you're busy – but your wife is on the line – it sounded like something you'd want to take."
The brunette nodded. Sometimes Chloe's enthusiasm, excitement, and general personality made people think that the molehill she was spouting about was actually a mountain. Her wife was used to it. "Thanks," Beca said, taking the phone and clicking the blinking light. She closed herself back into the studio. "Chloe?"
"Dr. Graham just called," Chloe said, sounding hysterical. Yep, this voice would have definitely alerted the office staff to bring the phone to Beca. It was a voice that sent the brunette's heart beating faster.
"Okay," Beca said slowly, her expression puzzled as she paced the small room. "We knew that was the next step, right?"
"She wants to see me today – in an hour. That can't be good. No one asks someone to come back that quickly. If it was good news, I thought she would just send us to the sperm bank. And to get back in to see her, it usually takes weeks – "
Beca gently interrupted her anxious speech. "Slow down, babe. She knows how excited you are – maybe she had a cancellation and slipped you in. It will be fine."
"What if it's not?"
"It will be," Beca responded firmly. She closed her eyes as she leaned her forehead against the closed door. "Listen - why don't you take a taxi and I'll meet you there?"
"I can drive," Chloe argued.
"Chlo – you sound really nervous. I would really rather you not get behind the wheel. I can come and pick you up – but then we'd be late – "
"I'm fine to drive."
"Please," the brunette pleaded softly. There was a pregnant pause while both women considered options. Finally Chloe agreed to her wife's request.
"I'll take a taxi," she consented.
"Thank you," Beca responded. "It's going to be fine – I love you. I'll see you soon." Hanging up, she quickly gathered her possessions and packed them into her bag and purse. Her production assistants were coming back then. She explained to them that she had a family emergency – and she would call them to reschedule.
The artist – a young girl of no more than twenty-two, was lovely to work with. Beca enjoyed her passion for the work, her dedication, and her commitment. Her kindness and naiveté made Beca feel particularly protective – as she had been when she'd begun working with Emily years before. In that moment, she was also thankful when the tiny blonde understood family. She accepted immediately that Beca needed to go. "I'll call to reschedule. Really sorry, Liz."
"It's okay, Beca. I hope everything is alright." So did she. Beca left though back stairwells, not wanting to be intercepted by anyone else. She climbed into her car, doubled checked the doctor's address on her navigation, and started off.
The traffic wasn't terrible – but it was LA in the afternoon, so it wasn't good either. Beca arrived just in time to meet Chloe in the waiting room before the nurse called her. The redhead looked tired and fretful. Beca grabbed her hand and squeezed gently as they were led into an office instead of an exam room. "It's just for a consult," the nurse explained when she saw Chloe's confused expression. The two women sat next to one another in chairs across from the doctor's desk. Beca's eyes followed the nurse as she left the room.
"Something feels wrong," Chloe said softly.
"You don't know that," Beca responded soothingly. "I know it's hard – but try to relax." The doctor walked into the room a few minutes later, hanging her white lab coat on a hook behind the door.
"Sorry to keep you ladies waiting," she said. "I'm running a bit behind today."
"It's fine," Chloe assured her.
The doctor sat at her desk but leaned forward in her chair, opening a file in front of her. "Chloe – I sent all of your lab work out and received the last of it back this morning. I know you're excited to start a family. I'm so sorry – I don't believe you'll be able to get pregnant – even with medical intervention."
She looked genuinely apologetic, but Beca couldn't help but want to hit her. Chloe's crestfallen expression was one she hated – and the doctor had put it there. The brunette put an arm around her wife and squeezed her close, placing a kiss on her temple. She whispered softly into her ear. "It will be okay. Try to stay calm for me, okay?" Chloe somehow held back tears. Beca turned to the doctor, blue-gray eyes steely and hard.
"Why?"
'There are unfortunately two problems," Dr. Graham said. "Chloe's eggs are misshapen – meaning that they won't be fertilized naturally. We could do the procedure to fertilize the eggs and implant them, but the chances of Chloe being able to carry a baby to term are very slim. Her uterus is also abnormally shaped."
"What are the chances?" Beca asked. "Can we still try?"
The doctor offered a pinched smile. "I don't like to discourage anyone. But I'm afraid that the chances of a successful insemination and then pregnancy are very slim – I wouldn't even be comfortable offering you a percentage chance. I would hate to see you go through the emotional, physical, and financial costs of these procedures to have nothing to show for it in the end."
Beca said nothing as they drove home – she had no idea what to say. Chloe was devastated and there was absolutely nothing she could do to fix it. Money, which they now had plenty of, was not going to make things better. Once they arrived home, Chloe jumped out of the car and headed directly for the house. Beca caught up with her in the kitchen, stopping her from her plan to curl up in their bedroom and cry for the rest of the night.
"Chloe – I need you to stay with me, love," she said, holding her steady. "We need to talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about, Beca," she said angrily. "I can't have kids – something I have always wanted. And there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing you can do."
"We will get another opinion."
Chloe shook her head. "Dr. Graham said she was certain. She had colleagues look at the test results – there's your second opinion."
"At least let Stacie look things over," Beca said. It was a last ditch effort. Stacie had been an OBGYN and general practitioner since she had finished med school several years before. She was Beca's doctor – the only doctor Beca would even entertain seeing.
"Whatever you want," Chloe responded indifferently. She broke away from the small brunette and ran the stairs to their room, slamming the bedroom door in her wake. Beca sighed. Under different circumstances, she would have chased her and asked if that little act of rebellion had made her feel better – but these were not those. She sat down at the kitchen table and began making phone calls. Before the close of business that day, Stacie had Chloe's test results and medical files in her hands. She promised to look them over and get back to them as soon as possible.
Feeling as though she had done all that was currently within her power, Beca made a pot of herbal tea and placed it on a tray with crackers, cheese, and a bit of fruit. She knew Chloe; the redhead had probably not eaten since early that morning after her run. She walked into the bedroom to find her wife exactly where she expected – curled into bed, hiding under the ridiculously expensive but exquisitely comfortable sheets and comforter.
Setting the tray aside, Beca climbed onto the bed and slid in behind Chloe, gently tucking stray wisps of hair behind her ear. "I don't want to talk," Chloe said stubbornly.
"That's okay."
"I really want to be alone right now."
"That's not okay," Beca responded. "I'm not leaving you, Chlo. You are not alone in this." Chloe – who always had something to say – who hated when Beca went silent – did just that. She put up walls Beca didn't know she had and stubbornly refused to speak that evening. The brunette stayed with her anyway, cajoling her into eating and then taking a shower to try to help her relax. They went to bed early that night, Beca curled around her frighteningly despondent wife.
The next morning, Beca texted Liz and the production team to tell them that she needed to take a bit more time – and probably wouldn't be able to get back into the studio until the following week. It would lead to a lot of long days, she knew. Next, while making a batch of French Toast, she took a deep breath and dialed Aubrey.
"What's wrong?"
"What do you always assume something is wrong when I call you?" Beca asked, rolling her eyes. It was against her very nature to appreciate – or admit – when Aubrey was right.
"Because you don't call me to chat," Aubrey answered shortly. "Beca, what's up?" The brunette sighed and began pacing her kitchen.
"Has Chloe told you that we've been looking into starting a family?"
"Yes," Aubrey answered. Beca had figured as much – but you never knew when it came to Chloe and Aubrey. They could share incredibly intimate details – but then also suddenly not talk for three weeks at a time. It was an odd friendship; Beca and Jesse had simply learned to deal with the unexpected when it came to the relationship between their spouses.
Beca placed the finished breakfast onto plates and lowered them into the oven to keep warm. She poured orange juice for herself and apple juice for Chloe. "Well – we got some bad news from Dr. Graham yesterday. Apparently, Chloe can't have kids. At all. With her eggs or any others."
"That's terrible. How is she?"
"Like you would expect," Beca responded. "Aubrey, I've never seen her like this before. She won't get out of bed – she won't talk to me. She'll barely look at me. I don't know what to do."
"Don't leave her alone," Aubrey answered. "I'll be there as soon as I can be. I have a hearing to set up this morning – but I can be there by lunch."
"Has she done this before?" Beca asked. Aubrey knew it was difficult for her to even pose the question – she didn't like admitting that there was a time of which she knew almost nothing – and the blonde knew everything.
"Only once," Aubrey responded. "It'll be fine," she added briskly. "I'll see you soon."
When she arrived around the noon hour, Beca was almost in tears. Chloe was in bed, staring at the ceiling – and absolutely refusing to do anything. She hadn't eaten a bite that morning, hadn't gotten dressed, and wouldn't move. Aubrey had let herself in and stood in the bedroom doorway, assessing the situation. She needed to deal with Beca's distress first – she wasn't going to be able to help with the brunette hovering and worrying.
"Beca," she said softly. "Come over here." Beca looked up at her, momentarily surprised. She looked at Aubrey's outstretched hand and back at Chloe, who was doing nothing and looked frighteningly broken. "Come here, please," Aubrey repeated, more firmly this time. Beca gave Chloe one more glance and crossed the room, allowing Aubrey to lead her out of the bedroom and back to the kitchen.
The blonde forcibly sat her in a kitchen chair and moved around the room, setting the tea kettle to boil and moving to the refrigerator to find food. She made a turkey sandwich, cut an apple, and placed it all in front of Beca.
"I'm fine" the brunette responded, looking up at the older woman. "Don't worry about me – help me with Chloe."
"Did you eat?"
"That's not important – "
"I will go upstairs and deal with Chloe once you eat." Beca rolled her eyes but picked up a slice of the apple and chewed on it obediently. Twenty minutes later, she was finished. Aubrey took her plate and slipped it into the dishwasher. She turned back to look at her critically; she looked exhausted.
"Did you sleep last night?"
"I'm fine," Beca repeated. "Please – tell me what to do about Chloe. I don't know what to do,," she added.
Aubrey walked over to the kitchen cabinet where she knew they kept all of the medications. She sifted through bottles until she found one in particular that had only a few pills shaking around in the bottom. She fished one out and handed it to Beca, along with a bottle of water.
"I'm not taking Ambien," she argued.
"Yes, you are. You look exhausted – that's not going to help Chloe. Go upstairs to one of the guest rooms and take it. I'll stay with her until you wake up."
"I'm not going to knock myself out for a likely 12 hours."
"Yes, you are."
"Why?"
"Again, you look like crap. Also, you're not going to like what I'm going to do."
"What are you going to do?"
"Fix Chloe. Now, up you go." Aubrey practically pushed Beca up the stairs and into one of the guest bedrooms. She knew she could order Aubrey out of her house, or simply ignore her orders, but she really didn't know what to do with Chloe – and she really was tired. She kicked off her boots, shrugged out of her jeans and jacket before slipping under the covers. She glared at Aubrey but said nothing as the blonde watched her take the pill and curl up onto her side. The door closed and everything went black.
When Beca woke, she hadn't moved a muscle. She rolled over, trying to stretch. She reached for her phone on the nightstand and saw that she had slept – for a solid twenty hours. Her heart began fluttering inside her chest; what if Chloe wasn't back to her normal self? What was she going to do? Before she could work herself into a panic, the door creaked open. She was expecting Aubrey but instead saw Chloe standing in the doorway.
She had showered – her red curls were arranged to perfection and she wore jeans and a pretty green blouse. Beca sat up, reaching for the water bottle Aubrey had left for her. Her mouth was dry – and her brain racing. Chloe looked fine. The redhead approached her and sat on the bed, drawing her arms around Beca. "I'm sorry I scared you," she said softly.
"What happened?"
Chloe shook her head. "I don't really know. I was sort of out of it – and then I wasn't."
"What did Aubrey do?"
Chloe shrugged. "I'm not sure. But I know we were jogging when my brain started focusing again. "How are you doing?"
Beca looked at her, oddly. "I'm fine. But you scared the shit out of me. I would really appreciate it if you would try not to do that in the future."
"I'll try my best," Chloe promised. She smiled gently and lay her head on Beca's shoulder, snuggling up to her.
"We have to talk about this," Beca said, her arm snaking around to pull Chloe closer.
"I know. Why don't you go get showered and dressed – and I'll warm up breakfast? Aubrey made pancakes and bacon before she left." She laughed when she saw Beca light up. "Are you excited about bacon, or Aubrey leaving?"
"I can't be excited about both?" Beca asked. Chloe laughed and kissed her.
"See you downstairs," she whispered, pulling just far enough away to form the words. Then she was gone. Beca picked up her phone and texted Aubrey. I don't know what you did – pretty sure I don't want to know – but thank you. She received a quick and smug response as she reached her bedroom.
That morning, after eating breakfast, they sat together on the deck that overlooked their backyard. Beca leaned against Chloe on the outdoor sofa, her feet pulled up beside her. "How many times has that happened before?" Beca asked after a lengthy silence. "Where you just check out?"
Chloe considered the question for a moment. "Twice – senior year of high school when my grandmother passed away. Sophomore year at Barden when a frat guy tried to rape me –"
"Wait. What? You never told me about that –"
"At the time, I was really thrown by it – it was really frightening. But in the long run, nothing happened. I was fine. It's not really a thing anymore. I honestly haven't thought about it in years – until I snapped out of yesterday's episode and thought about the other times it's happened."
It took another hour of small talk and careful navigations before the pregnancy situation was brought up. "I'm sorry, about what Dr. G told us. I know you wanted to be pregnant – and give birth. And I'm sorry you can't have that. But it doesn't mean we can't have a family."
"I know," Chloe said with a brave smile. "I know that. But I need some time, before we talk about other options. I need time to process this." Beca nodded and leaned back into her. The conversation was over for the moment – but they both felt content with it. It was okay for now. And that was better than most alternatives.
Beca still had a slim hope that a second opinion was all they needed. But Stacie's expression was enough to give her away. That, and the fact that she showed up at their front door on a Friday evening. "I'm so sorry," she said as Beca let her in. "I wanted to be able to tell you something else – "
"But you can't," Beca finished simply. Stacie shook her head. Chloe, having heard the door open, was standing at the top of the stairs. As soon as she saw Stacie, she knew. Not having the energy to run away anymore, she sat down on the top stair and hugged her knees to her chest, resting her forehead on them. Beca was at her side almost immediately, rubbing her back and making promises she couldn't keep. This time, Chloe remained present. She cried, but then dried her tears and went on with her day.
The conversation lay dead in the water. Beca waited a month before bringing it back up – only to be gently shot down by her wife. That happened twice before she decided to investigate other options on her own – and go to Chloe with real options, not just ideas.
That was how she found herself in Stacie's office almost three months after the debacle with Chloe's doctor. "You might as well change your name to fertile myrtle," Stacie said once she finished the exam. Beca had already had blood drawn two days before so the results would be ready for her appointment.
"You're hilarous," she said dryly. "So – what do we do now?"
"First – you have to tell Chloe that you've even looked into this," Stacie said.
"Be my doctor for a second," Beca said with a roll of her eyes. "Not a nosy friend. What's next?"
"You need to find a sperm donor – either a person or you can visit the sperm bank. Then you need to have the specimen delivered here – I'll give you the name of the nurse who can coordinate – and then once you ovulate, we can inseminate."
"It sound so gross," Beca whined, cringing. Stacie laughed.
"That's the easy part. Then there's nine months of pregnancy - and a lifetime of being a parent. Are you ready for that?"
"Of course not, dude. I can barely take care of myself. But Chloe is ready – and I want a family with her. I figure I'll pick it up as I go along. Chloe won't let me screw up the little humans too much." Stacie smiled and shook her head. Beca left the office feeling more nervous – and more hopeful – than she had in quite a few months.
They sat on the deck after dinner the next night, Beca sipping on what she knew was potentially going to be one of her last beers for a long, long time. Chloe nursed a glass of wine, staring out into the yard. Usually silence between them was comfortable, but Beca didn't feel it that night – she was tense. She finally spoke, piercing the veil between them. "I went to see Stacie yesterday," she said quickly, needing to spit out the truth. Chloe turned to look at her, eyes wide with worry.
"Are you alright? What happened?" Beca was not a person who chose to go to the doctor. She had to be cajoled – and occasionally threatened – into showing up for her yearly physical.
"I'm fine," Beca promised. "I know we've always talked about you carrying our kids – because you wanted to – and I wouldn't mind having a bunch of little mini-yous running around. But since we talked to Dr. Graham, I've been thinking – just because you can't carry our kids, doesn't mean we can't have them biologically."
"Beca," Chloe said softly. "I can't ask you to do that. Your career – "
"Music producers actually are allowed to have personal lives," Beca teased. "And I mean, I might need to move some things so I can reach all of my equipment once my stomach is making me look like a beached whale, but other than that – I don't see any big problems."
"Are you sure about this?"
Beca smiled. "Chloe – did you think I agreed to start a family just to make you happy? I want one too – and if this is how we make it work, then I'm all in." Chloe's huge grin was topped with tears before she launched herself at her wife, hugging her firmly.
Several conversations and two trips to the sperm bank later, they were not happy with their options. "I sort of want some promise that at least one of our kids is going to look like you," Beca whined, as they looked again through a book that contained mysterious sperm donors. "But none of these fits."
"I know this might be a crazy idea – and it's probably never going to work – but how would you feel if we went about this in a different way? Maybe we don't need to choose a stranger?" Beca listened carefully to her idea and – although it was intimidating and wrought with problems, it was the best idea Beca had heard since they'd started looking for the other half of their family's DNA.
Two weeks later, they were on an airplane headed for Georgia. At first they considered waiting until the visit was ending to pitch their idea, but both decided to simply throw it out there. "The worst thing they can say is no," Beca reminded her wife softly as they drove closer to her childhood home. Dinner was always fun at the Beale home – they were far more personable and friendly than Beca's own family. She had never witnessed enjoyable family dinners until she'd begun dating Chloe. That night, it was no exception – but neither woman was able to eat much thanks to nerves.
"Rest assured, this is going to be a really awkward conversation," Beca said as she sat down on the sofa next to Chloe. They were gathered into the family room after dinner. Her two brothers – both their wives – and their parents were in attendance. Chloe didn't like to leave anyone out. Beca had drawn the line at inviting her own parents – she claimed it was unnecessary and weird. They could just invited to the kid's graduation party.
Beca looked to her wife to begin the conversation.
"Are you girls alright? Is someone sick?" Lydia asked, after too much silence had passed.
"No, mom," Chloe assured her. "We're both fine."
"Well, I mean, I have – you know, issues. But in general we're fine," Beca agreed. The family all tried not to smirk or smile at her comments. It was her nerves. She ran her hands though her perfect curls, a move that was also familiar to them all. It was one of her tics.
"Beca and I have decided to start a family," Chloe finally said firmly. Beca felt a bit dizzy but nodded. She pointed at Chloe.
"What she said."
"That's wonderful!" Lydia said, clapping her hands. She had been clamoring for more grandchildren for quite some time.
"We're happy to hear it," Benjamin added. "How does that work with – well, you know," he said, fumbling for words. Beca smiled brightly. She loved that her wife's father was sometimes less eloquent than her. She didn't like to be the only awkward one in a room.
"I had pretty much the same question, Ben," she informed him.
"A few months ago – I found out that my eggs aren't viable," Chloe said, shaking off anyone who tried to speak and offer her condolences. "It's alright – I'm coming to terms with it. But it means that Beca has to carry the baby – with her eggs."
"Yay," Beca muttered, smiling awkwardly.
"We have the option of going to a sperm bank and choosing from there – but there are risks involved with not knowing entire family histories, that kind of thing." She looked at both brothers. Jason looked clueless but she knew Alex was already ahead of her – knowing what was coming. "It is so much to ask – and if you don't feel its right – we won't go this route. We'll figure out something else."
"But we like the idea of having both our gene pools represented inside our children," Beca said, pursing her lips when she finished.
"But it's a lot to ask," Chloe repeated.
"It's totally okay if neither one of you are cool with it – it could potentially lead to a lot more awkward family conversations in the future. And we all know how much fun those are," Beca said with faux excitement.
Jason suddenly realized what they were talking about. "You want one of us to donate the sperm?"
Alex laughed. "Welcome aboard, brother," he said, slapping him on the back. Alex and his wife, Alice, had already been exchanging glances. She nodded slightly and he smiled. "I can't imagine a better reason to give up some of my bodily fluids than to see you two attempt to raise children. It's going to be hilarious."
Chloe looked at him, taken aback. "You're saying yes? You don't need to think about it? Talk to Alice?"
"I think it's sweet," Alice assured her. "I don't mind if Alex doesn't."
"This would be private information," Chloe said. "Beca is pretty well known – so this has to stay in the family. And the kids – "
"Don't need to know," Alex interrupted. "This doesn't need to go beyond this room. You tell me where to go drop off the goods and then you ladies do whatever you want with them."
"Ewe," Beca said, scrunching up her nose. Chloe laughed; this was going to be interesting.
Thanks, everyone, for reading the first installment. This is my first story for Pitch Perfect - but far from my first fan fiction. For those who found this because you have me on alert for my one unfinished Victorious Story - I have not forgotten about it - I still hope to finish Childhood is the Kingdom. Hopefully Liz Gillies' reemergence on the small screen will give me new inspiration.
Back to my current inspiration - Beca and Chloe. This is going to be a fairly small story – 3-4 chapters tops. But if you like it, I'm working on another that is set – with the same family dynamics – 18 years in the future. Please let me know what you thought – good, bad, or in-between.
