Break Room Shipping

In the infinite void between fictional worlds, down the inter-dimensional street from Hammerspace and across from a potted plant thinking "Oh, not again," there is a world where all characters go to recover, and relax; a place where they can be themselves, without the pretensions of grand tragedy and plot points. For the characters of Shingeki no Kyojin, it's a welcome reprieve.

-B-

"I just don't understand where they're getting these ideas!" Armin absently flipped to the next page of his script, reclining lazily in his lounge chair as Eren paced angrily in front of him.

"Eren, you knew what you were signing up for when you agreed to be the main character. The contract said 'The undersigned hereby disavows any right to compensation in the inevitable event that they are shipped with literally every other character.' What did you expect?" His green-eyed friend looked at the floor sheepishly.

"Well, I, uh… I mean, I might not exactly have really, well, read that, per se…" Armin's calm, somewhat judgmental gaze bored into him and he promptly fell back on defensive anger.

"I didn't think it would be this bad! You know that there's art on the Internet of Ymir and I fucking? Where the hell did they pull that relationship from, huh? When were we ever shown interacting before I was captured?" The blonde finally did something that vaguely resembled sitting up.

"That's your problem, Eren: you expect them to be rational. They're sexually repressed teenagers and college students. Once again: what did you expect?"

Mikasa chose that moment to walk into the break room, nursing a steaming cup of coffee and looking as though she'd just run a marathon, or whatever distance she'd have to run to look absolutely trashed. Honestly, just about everyone was sort of unclear on the question of her physical capabilities. Regardless, she had bags under her eyes, her shirt was untucked, and her jacket was nowhere to be seen.

"Wow, what happened to you?" She sat down in the chair across from Armin and put her cup down on the small table between them, leaning back with an angry sigh.

"Nothing. Just been a long day. What are you talking about?" Armin turned back to his script.

"Eren's complaining about shipping again." The young Ackerman gritted her teeth and turned her gaze on her brother.

"Oh don't you even start! At least when people pair you off with Levi it isn't an incest ship!" Armin glanced up and raised a correcting finger.

"Well, actually, that whole situation is kind of unclear…" Mikasa turned her furious gaze on him.

"No! Don't you give me that! We have the same hair, the same eyes and the same goddamn Charles Atlas Superpower! We even have the same last name!" Eren promptly jumped on the righteous anger train, though he turned his frustration on Mikasa.

"What, you think I like being paired up with a man twice my age and half my height any more than you do? I mean, sure, I respect the fuck out of him, but dear god, no!"

"Oy! Shitty brats!" Their eyes snapped to the entrance, and found their diminutive superior, wearing his casual clothes for once. "No discussing me and shipping in the goddamn break room, that's my happy place!" Levi made sure to meet every pair of their eyes before turning on the spot and stalking away from the open doorway, muttering angrily to himself.

As though in surrender, Eren fell back into a third chair and looked up at the ceiling. "Why can't people just accept that I'm vengeful to the point of asexuality? Everything would be so much simpler!" Mikasa took a thoughtful sip of her coffee.

"Eren, have you been talking to Sasuke again?" He looked at the wall.

"Nooooo…" Armin put down his script with a resigned sigh and smiled sadly at his friend.

"Eren, you know that he gave in and had a kid in the epilogue, right? You can't be a stoic character forever. The fandom overlords demand romance, and Ymir and Krista don't provide enough drama to satisfy them. You, on the other hand…"

Eren looked across the table at the blonde suspiciously. "I what?" Armin smiled nervously, not sure if the brunette was joking.

"Well, you know, people are always up for a good love triangle, and I mean, what with Annie and Mikasa…" Eren's expression lost some confusion.

"Actually, I'd been meaning to ask about that. I saw the fanart, but I was under the impression Ackerhardt was a crack-ship, so how is it a love triangle if she's not going for Annie?" Armin looked back and forth between his two best friends, openmouthed and disbelieving. After a good half a minute of uncomfortable silence, he finally settled on Mikasa.

"Does he seriously not understand?" She shook her head and took a rather aggressive sip of her coffee. Eren frowned.

"You know, it's really annoying when you guys just go off into your own conversations like that." Mikasa fingered her scarf in an effort to hold herself back from saying and/or doing some very unfortunate things. Armin still just looked disbelieving.

"What, has he not read the parody manga, or like, any of the actual story?" She pulled the red cloth up to hide her frown.

"I don't think he's read the parody, but he's definitely read the manga. And watched the anime." Eren gritted his teeth.

"God dammit, guys, stop talking like I'm not right here! Also, who the hell has read the parody? It's a goddamn slice of life middle school AU! That's basically a high school AU except with even less potential for anything interesting to happen!" Suddenly, Mikasa's eyes narrowed and she turned to face Eren, slowly.

"Wait, back up. You're going for Annie?" Her brother shrugged, not noticing the pure death being stared his way in the slightest.

"Eh, there's a goodly amount of stuff in the manga to support it. Doesn't mean it's gonna happen, though. She kind of killed my squad in front of me, and I mean, you guys seem to think Ackerhardt is canon now." He trailed off, looking up at the ceiling.

"It's not!" Mikasa's response was rushed and a bit too loud, but Eren remained utterly oblivious to its meaning.

"Either way, Armin's got it lucky. Barely three ships that actually have decently large fanbases and all of them are plausible! Well, except with me, but honestly that one was just inevitable." The blonde raised an eyebrow, frowning contemplatively.

"You know, I was wondering, when did Krista and I interact…? Like ever, before this most recent arc? The only reason that's a thing is because we're both blondes. At least Aruannie has some conversation behind it." Eren muttered something about him still having it better, but didn't press the matter.

"Look, arguing over who has the most insane chunk of the fandom is going to go nowhere. Can we all just agree that shipping is really weird and leave it at that?"

Armin shrugged and picked his script back up, but Eren just snorted. "I still say I've got it the worst out of everyone. I wouldn't be surprised if someone was already writing something horrible with me and Kenny…" It took him a moment, but his eyes gradually slid to the side and gazed directly toward a large, transparent wall with the number four in bright red paint in its center. He could see the huddled dark figures on the other side, fingers already poised over their keyboards. His glare was tinged with the slightest bit of terror as he realized his own mistake.

"Oh god no."

So… Not entirely sure where this came from. Honestly, the fandom for SNK isn't all that bad, but that isn't saying much on the sliding scale of insanity.

Anyway, I'm thinking this'll be a repository for my SNK one-shots from now on. Most will probably be comedic in this sort of vein. Leave a review; tell me what you think!

Thanks for reading,

Scavenger