Hey everyone, old fan fic writer coming out of retirement after a few years. I used to write when I was much younger and got away from it for a while, but now I'm back due to a disturbing lack of humor-based content in what I think is one of 2014's funniest games, Dragon Age: Inquisition. The entire collection of fics for this game is so diluted with romance that I think it'd be great to add a bit of light-hearted comedy to the mix. There's no plot to any of this, no real continuity, and Inquisitors may change depending on the chapter's plot (though you should assume unless specified that the Inquisitor here is a male Human warrior).

Anyways, I hope you all enjoy! Please note that there will be spoilers scattered throughout, and due to the nature of the game, I can't really give warning about every single one. Just know that this one will reveal everything up to speaking with Varric's friend when you first get to Skyhold.


The ruins of Skyhold were curiously well preserved, though the Inquisitor accounted that mostly to the steep heights and harsh cold preventing any wandering adventurers from ransacking the place. Sure, there was rubble everywhere, most of the walls were crumbling if not completely dilapidated, and he'd overheard rumors that the entire fortress was haunted (though he assumed those rumors were because of Cole, and he made a mental note to take care of that immediately). But for now, and until they found someplace better, this would be the home of the new Inquisition.

As newly-declared Lord Inquisitor, he made it his current mission to survey the grounds upon which he now called his domain. Everyone seemed to be settling in rather nicely, for the most part and construction efforts were going well.

Cullen seemed especially pleased about the new War Room, citing the excellent new lighting aesthetics. Leliana was excited by her new base of operations in the Rookery, though the Inquisitor himself couldn't stand the constant echo of those birds for more than a few minutes. He could only wonder how she withstood it through the entire working day. And of course, Josephine contented her new location where she could more properly serve as secretary of the Inquisition, though he secretly suspected it was because she had immediate access to a cozy fireplace at all times while she worked.

Still, their giddiness didn't fully mask the pain that he knew they were all feeling. Haven was a great loss. The screams of pain and agony that could be heard coming from the little clearing where they had set up the medical tents stood as a testament to that. The Inquisitor was drawn to them, like a moth to fire, and he stood on the steps overlooking them. His eyes hardened a bit as his hands grasped the cold stone railing tightly.

Corpyheus had dealt them a seriously blow, and the doubts were already beginning to bubble up in his mind.

The fact of the matter was that he was no Andrastian faithful. He'd gone through life hearing the stories and the Chants and just letting it become useless background noise. There was nothing in his background that made him the least bit qualified to lead a full blown Inquisition. Cassandra was ten times more capable, but... Damned by the Maker, he was it. It had to be him, they said. He'd won the hearts and minds of the people.

He looked somberly down at the tents below him as the surgeon slid a cloak over yet another body. He'd won their hearts but lost them their lives. How many lives, he wondered, had been lost at Haven? He'd saved as many as he could, but there were still so many dead. How many more would come?

"You know, it's a bad idea to look so damn down like you do while standing on a high place. Makes people think you're gonna jump."

The Inquisitor spun around quickly, hand over his heart. "Maker, Varric, you nearly scared me out of my skin!"

The dwarven rogue simply shrugged. He brushed off some of the snow that had fallen the night before to clear a place for him to sit down on the piece of wall next to where the Inquisitor had been previously leaning. "Yeah, well, it was either that or let you stew in your own misery like everyone else."

The Inquisitor sighed. "I think that a bit of stewing is appropriate for the moment, Varric. You can't say that we can just go about our lives pretending like everything is going to go back to normal."

Varric frowned in slight disapproval. "Isn't that the entire point of this Inquisition? To put everything back to normal?" Before the Inquisitor could clarify, Varric continued. "Look, I know what you're getting at. What happened at Haven..." He trailed off, his eyes landing on the camp of the dead and dying. "It can't ever be forgotten. It would be be a disservice to everyone that died. But you know why they died Inquisitor? It wasn't because of you, or anything you or anyone else did. The only person that can be damned is Corypheus. If he stays dead long enough, that is."

The Inquisitor offered a dry chuckle. "I suppose. And here I thought you said Hawke was good at killing."

"Hah!" Varric chuckled in return. "Well don't forget I did say some things I said about the Champion of Kirkwall were a bit exaggerated... Though I wasn't expecting that was going to be one of the exaggerations."

After a moment, the dwarf added, "Look, all I'm saying is that these people... they need you to turn things back to normal for them. Even now. Especially now. A bit of normalcy goes a long way in improving morale."

The pair sat together in contemplative silence, pierced only by the gusts of the freezing mountain winds and the low groan of the pained below. Suddenly, their ears picked up another noise, one that sounded like very colorful swearing. Very colorful swearing unfit for the mouth of one of Andraste's faithful. Even if she was a Seeker.

Varric sighed. "I guess some things just don't change. We should probably see what's got Seeker's panties in a twist this time."

The Inquisitor grimly nodded as he led Varric down the steps towards where he'd last seen Cassandra, over by where the quartermaster was supposed to set up. "Now what could upset the dear Lady Seeker so much as to spark an outburst like that?"


The pair didn't so much find Cassandra as they did intercept her in the midst of an epic quest to outright murder somebody. The three fell into a crumbled heap of limbs after Cassandra ran into them as she rounded the corner. After getting back up on their feet, the Inquisitor spoke first. "Cassandra, we heard you from all the way in the other courtyard, what's going on?"

The Seeker was, to say the least, disheveled, which was very unusual for her outside of a fight. Snow clung to her body, the damp appearing to set in everywhere if her shivering was any indication. "Where is that little coward? I'll kill him!" Given that her sword was drawn, the Inquisitor decided to take the threat seriously.

Varric smiled amusedly. "For once, I don't think she's talking about me."

"Keep stalling me and I'll punt you off the ramparts, Varric," Cassandra snarled. She whirled around and searched for her invisible quarry. "Now where is he!?"

"Where is who, Cassandra?" the Inquisitor asked, more concerned than Varric was about the potential threat. It wasn't serious enough for Cassandra to call the guards, but an angry Seeker running around with a sword was not something he should be treating lightly.

"The bastard that dumped all this snow on my head!"

"The... what?" Varric and the Inquisitor shared a look before he continued. "Care to start from the beginning?"

Cassandra, to her credit, was able to calm herself down enough with a deep breath. She sheathed her sword, much to the Inquisitor's relief, and crossed her arms before she explained. "I was over by the new quartermaster's building coordinating with some of the men Cullen had sent over to build the armory. All of a sudden, something struck me from the back of my head! Something very cold. I turned around and got hit with a second snowball!"

There was a pregnant pause as they all processed what had just happened to the Seeker. "Someone hit you... with a snowball." Varric snorted. "Whoever did it has got to be either the bravest or the stupidest person I have ever heard of."

"Has to be the bravest person," Cassandra bit back as she fixed a withering glare on Varric. "The stupidest one was this dwarf I once knew that lied to me about the Champion of Kirkwall."

Varric let out a sigh as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Never gonna let that one go, are you Seeker?"

The Inquisitor cleared his throat and changed the topic back to this rather bizarre snowballing incident. "So, Cassandra, let me get this straight. Someone hit you... with a snowball?"

"Yes, and I will not rest until justice is served!"

"... Don't you think you're overreacting a bit?"

"Of course not!"

"You were running around the camp with your sword drawn."

"Well, I..." The Seeker's fury finally lost its steam as she looked down at the snow covered grass, kicking it lightly with her boot. "I suppose. No, you're absolutely right, Inquisitor. I've acted childishly. I do apolo-"

Her sincere apology was interrupted by yet another snowball to the back of the head. In a flash, steel scraped scabbard as she charged off in the direction that latest snowball had come from, yelling the fiercest war cry either Varric or the Inquisitor had heard her give. After the shock wore off, they quickly followed after her before she actually killed someone.


When they had finally caught up to the Seeker, Cassandra had cornered her prey over by where workers were building the new tavern. Said workers had now formed a loose circle around her and her foe, which Varric and the Inquisitor had to push through in order to get to the bottom of this mess. What they found was Cassandra holding Sera at sword point while Sera aimed at her... with a snowball.

"Why am I not surprised?" the Inquisitor mumbled under his breath as he stared at the two. "Sera, what are you doing with that snowball?"

"What do you think she's doing with it?" Cassandra accused, glaring at the elven rogue with nothing short of contempt. "Probably plotting her next attempt to humiliate me! But I've got you now, you little fiend!"

Sera, for her part, appeared almost insult. "Not even, ya twisty little sodder! I'm only looking for payback!"

The Inquisitor furled his eyebrows. If Sera was the culprit Cassandra was looking for, she was doing a terrible job of both not getting caught and of appearing innocent. "What's this about, Sera? Payback for what?"

"Some little piss ant whammed me in the back of the head with a snowball!" she spat out. "Not that it wasn't funny, mind you. I mean, I'm here one minute, doo doo doo, doing Sera things! Then, WHAM, I'm down there, snow all over my head. Just, snow, everywhere! That's not right!"

Her look of anger soon changed to one of mild amusement. "Well I mean, it could be. Snow is kinda funny. But it's not funny!" She paused for a moment to recollect herself. "It's snow! It's cold and I don't like it when it's not on someone else. At least if you're gonna blam me over the head, at least have the decency to let me hit back at you, yeah?"

Cassandra, Varric, and the Inquisitor all stared at the strange elven girl as if she'd grown a second head. "I think," said Varric to the Inquisitor, "it's safe to assume she's probably not the one that assaulted our poor Seeker."

"'Course I'm not!" Sera shot back at the dwarf, who simply raised his hands up acquiescently. "I might not get along well with the little sword princess over there-" At this, Cassandra muttered under her breath, "Sword princess?"- "But at least I have the decency to hit you with a snowball to your face! Or... in your face. In your snowballs? Well, if it's her, then I guess no real snowballs, unless she's one of those types, not that there's anything wrong with that if you are packin', sweetheart, but-"

"What are you even saying!?" Cassandra yelled at her, frustrated. She gave a second groan of anger before sheathing her sword. "Fine! You didn't throw that snowball, whatever! Then who did?"

Sera shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. I mean, I really got to hand it to them, I never even saw that coming. And that's coming from me.I see everything." She leered creepily over at the crowd of gathered workers, giggling to herself. "Everything."

Cassandra sighed and sheathed her sword and Sera lowered the hand holding the snowball. She turned over to the Inquisitor. "There's a miscreant on the loose, Your Worship. I suggest speaking with Commander Cullen and gathering what resources we can to hunt this pest down and exterminate him with due diligence!"

For once, Sera seemed to agree with the droll and serious Seeker. "I'm not normally one to agree with all this off-with-his-head crap, but yeah! Off with his head! Ooh, that is kinda fun to say."

Before the Inquisitor could respond, to their demands for someone's head, two fast bodies of white zoomed past either side of his head. The frosty wind that flew after them sent a shiver up his spine, but that couldn't quite compete with the shivers that the auras of seething rage coming off from either of the women gave him. Varric and the Inquisitor, along with the rest of the crowd, took a cautious step back.

Rather than draw their weapons, however, both Sera and Cassandra knelt down to gather some of the snow from off of the ground and formed them into little balls. Their arms reared back and chucked them angrily at where they thought their thus far unseen assailant was. The Inquisitor and Varric scanned the path of the snowballs to find them soaring towards someone. A very large someone. A very large someone with horns, who had been walking past the crowd of bystanders, apparently uninterested in what was going on.

Varric gulped beside the Inquisitor. "Well... Shit."

The effect was immediate. Iron Bull gave the two girls a smirk of amusement, underlined with a bit of contempt as he shook the snow from off his head. "So that's the game we're playing today, eh ladies?" Looking over to where his men were sitting nearby, he called out to them. "Chargers, on me!"

The Inquisitor tried to make his way towards Iron Bull to try and defuse the situation, but it was already well out of his hands. Bull had grabbed two large clumps of snow in his hands and, not even bothering to form them into balls, chucked them both at Cassandra and Sera, who were all but covered by the large masses. In addition to his two large volleys, Krem led Bull's Chargers in pelting the two as well, though with the crowd in the way, there was more than a bit of collateral amongs the gathered workers.

Those workers, confused as ever but somewhat welcome to the strange turn of events, returned fire on the Chargers, who soon turned their attentions fully on their new enemy. Cassandra and Sera, after pulling themselves out of their snowy tombs, agreed to an alliance and began to pelt the Iron Bull from the snow pile he had just covered them in.

"This is just insane!" Varric said to the Inquisitor as they both ducked under the arc of snowballs flying past them back and forth. "Is this really happening?"

"You're telling me!" the Inquisitor said back as he scanned for an exit. His eyes instead fell upon the form of Commander Cullen, military arm of the Inquisition, running up to the snowball fighting mass of people.

It was as if somebody had cast a spell to slow down time as he watched Cullen call out to the Inquisitor. "Your Worship!" he had yelled out. "What is going on?" Before any more could be said, a pair of snowballs pegged him first in his face and then in his... snowballs. The Inquisitor's head hung low as he saw soldiers declaring that their general had been attacked and soon entered the fray.

With a heavy sigh, the Inquisitor dragged himself out of the tangled, ice-throwing masses alongside Varric. They dusted themselves off and began to head towards Skyhold's keep. All around them, the fighting had spread as errant snowballs hit unintended targets, dragging them into the fight as well. It didn't help that some of the children that had gone up to help Mother Giselle had gotten distracted from their duties and joined as well.

"Well, Varric. I guess we have to be the adults around here. Let's go let them work this all off over a game of Wicked Grace." After no answer, the Inquisitor frowned and looked down at his companion, who was holding Bianca firmly in his hands. "... Varric?"

"They... they hit Bianca..." Varric murmured under his breath. The Inquisitor gulped. Oh no. "It is going to take hours for me to get the moisture off..."

"Now, Varric, let's not do anything rash..."

"You're all going to pay for this!" Varric yelled as he loaded a snowball into Bianca (somehow) and charged off to battle, firing into the crowd.

"Ow! Varric, I'm going to get you for that!"

"Seeker, wait, I wasn't aiming at you, I was trying to hit-"

"Hyaaa!"

The Inquisitor simply sighed as he slunk off into Skyhold Keep by himself. Maybe this'll be over after a midday nap.


It wouldn't be until the dinner bell rang that the fighting finally came to an uneasy armistice. The Inquisitor sat in his new quarters, mulling over the report that Cullen had delivered to him some time after dinner. With it came a note that apologized that he couldn't give it to him in person, due to a certain personal injury. The Inquisitor had simply chuckled and accepted the report without comment.

Bull's Chargers had taken up fighting positions in what was supposed to be the armory, but were soon driven out by a group of workers led by Sera and Cassandra. After taking the armory, however, it seemed as if Sera decided their alliance should be broken and a fight broke out between Cassandra and Sera's forces. They were later driven out by Bull's Chargers again, who had since rearmed and regrouped themselves.

Upon hearing of the fighting from the Inquisitor, Josephine had left her office to try and quell the fighting, but was soon sucked into it as a stray snowball struck her the moment she left the door. She then enlisted the aid with Leliana and soon, snowballs were raining down from the Rookery with surprising accuracy. Leliana's Rookery maintained a position of power throughout the day, but the amount of firepower varied as Leliana periodically sent out her agents to "assassinate" the key leaders of each faction by shoving snow down their breeches.

Solas and Dorian tried to end the fighting on their own by simply burning all of the snow away with their magic, but after being ambushed by Bull's Chargers, they resigned themselves to joining Vivienne on the still-under-construction balcony overseeing the entire keep. They spent the remainder of the day making commentary on the war as if it were the Grand Tourney.

Halfway through, Varric and Cassandra had joined forces and enlisted the aid of several Inquisition soldiers, who had conveniently forgotten that Cassandra was one of the instigators of the fighting. Together, they ousted Bull and his chargers once again from the frameworks of the armory who retreated to the safety of the tavern frameworks.

All in all, fighting had ground to a standstill by dinner anyways, so when Mother Giselle called for a ceasefire over a hot meal, it was universally accepted. The Inquisitor remembered sitting at his chair at the head of the table in pure bewilderment as members of the Inquisition, previously battering each other furiously with snowballs, had seemingly forgotten about everything and laughed and joked. Even Cassandra seemed to be in particularly high spirits, considering she was the one running around with a sword earlier.

The entire scene made the Inquisitor smile ever so slightly, something Varric made a point of calling him out loudly on. Soon, the dinner became a roast of the Inquisitor, who for the rest of the evening became known as the man who ran away from a perfectly good snowball fight.

Setting the report down, the Inquisitor softly chuckled to himself as he turned to face Cole. "I'm assuming you had a good reason for chucking a snowball at Cassandra?"

"You saw me." It wasn't a question. "Yet you said nothing."

True, the Inquisitor had seen Cole, right at the beginning when he had passed Cassandra by the quartermaster's new location. He had, of course, thought nothing of it. "I didn't think I needed to," he explained.

"But I needed to." Cryptic as always, it seemed. Cole hopped off the floor and sat down on the couch in front of the Inquisitor's temporary bed, a modest mattress placed on the wood flooring. "The hurting was hurting. It could only keep hurting. So I used the snow."

Ah. Cole had apparently had enough of everyone's downtrodden misery and so he instigated this little war to pick everyone's spirits up. "You know, there's easier ways of getting everyone's mind off what's been going on."

Cole shook his head vigorously. "No, not like the snow. The snow is always the same. It's always been the same. It's like me, it changes... But... It's still there. It's still me. We're all still snow inside."

And now he's lost me, thought the Inquisitor wryly. Cole continued before he had a chance to ask him for an explanation. "The snow... Has always been snow. Even when it's not. It goes up... then it becomes clouds. But it's still snow. Sky snow, fluffy and white. When it hurts, it comes down and covers everything. But it's still the same snow. Forever and since and will always continue to be."

Cole stood up suddenly and move towards the balcony in the Inquisitor's quarters. "Snow is sad. But so are people. And when it gets too sad, it comes down... But then it gets to go back up again."

"I... think I understand," said the Inquisitor as he stood up to follow Cole. He looked out into the vast mountainscape that his balcony had a tremendous view of. Cole was right. The people of the Inquisition were far too pent up, and that aggression boiled over today. Rather than end in a slight taken in the wrong way damaging relations with bloodshed, Cole helped prod it along with a little bit of snow.

As a light flurry began to float down from the clouds, the Inquisitor could hear singing coming from the courtyard. Mother Giselle was holding her nightly Chant for the faithful, and in the crowd below he could see many of the various combatants from the day's earlier fighting. He chuckled softly to himself. "Good work, Cole." He turned to face the elusive spirit, but found that he was now only talking to himself.

The Inquisitor shrugged and listened on as the notes of the Chant filled the sky.


That's it for the first chapter. Please let me know what you think over PM and review! I'm open to suggestions for scenarios and hope to maintain a weekly posting schedule.