l"Squall Leonhart: The exclusive interview."

Greetings, people, and welcome to the first of some interviews. Since I so totally rule, I was able to get for my first one the CGI "actor" who gained fame as Squall Leonhart of the neo-classic game Final Fantasy VIII. What's up?

"Absolutely nothing. Otherwise, why would I do this?"

I have no idea. So, first question. Exactly how did you score that choice piece?

"Are you implying anything? For the last time, I am not sure about any casting couch...well, okay, we all knew Selphie made it into the game on her back. But the others got there on their merits, dammit!"

No, I'm actually talking about the "Legacies" of video games that dotted the game's roster.

"Oh. Well, I know of a few of them, but we all didn't need to use our connections to get in."

Well, who were these "related characters"?

"Quite simply, me, Seifer, and Raijin."

And what were their relations?

"Mine were in my name. I was the son of this dude from the TRUE FFIII, and my mother was allegedly the White Mage from the original game. However, whoever it was, he dropped her before I could get to know her. Really could work as an Olympic hardship story, huh?"

Well, yeah. What about the other related ones?

"Well, Seifer was a total asshole! All through the filming it was 'I should be the star, I AM Cloud's little brother! The fans would WANT that!' Honestly, I just wish that my gunblade could actually do that stuff to the people..."

Which is a sort of segue, at least for right now. How did you do that stuff with the Gunblade?

"It was quite simple, really. We fashioned a sword out and put a stun gun on the end of the tip. I slashed and hit the person, then pulled the trigger and let the stun gun do its work. Post-production just added in the effects. You actually got most of how it worked in that one piece you did..."

Oh, yeah. So, what about Raijin's....?

"Um, I don't like to talk about it too much..."

Oh, Don't worry. Most likely this'll only be read by a couple of people.

"Well, okay. Raijin wasn't really a relative, per se. He actually WAS Barret from FFVII. The only holdover from that game's cast, actually. Basically, a lot of us knew about the weight he had lost, or at least got the idea when we checked out WWF Attitude and found out that he was the stunt double for D'Lo Brown in that game..."

You don't say...

"Well, yeah. So he came in much lighter than in FFVII. He takes the stuff, and we slowly him wasting away a bit more towards it. This is the normal way for it until...until..."

Until what? The people need to know.

"One day, while they were shooting the first scene with Laguna, Kiros, and Ward, we went in and found 'Raijin' dead in his trailer. Coroner said that he'd been abusing Dexatrim and crystal like a motherfucker. He apparently had his heart set on doing stunts for Kiros, and he just took so many Doctor Midnights that his heart just fucking exploded."

That's terrible.

"We know. At various times, we eventually had to release statements saying how it was no big deal. Luckily we had some help on the set at the time, or else it would have been even worse on the budget and length until it came out."

And how did you work that?

"Luckily, we shilled out big money for speaking extras in this game in order to make it seem better. It just so happened the guy we hired to play 'Trepe Groupie #1' had also done a myriad of stunts in various hit games, with his most well-played role being 'Jax' in the Mortal Kombat series. Luckily, he was able to take control of Raijin, and did amazingly in it. Really revitalized his career..."

I know. So, what's next for you?

"You know. I've been mulling offers, as most of them want me to be some fighting game hero. I mean, come on! I'm legitimate!"

Well, do they have anything to go on? Did you do any of your own stunts?

" ARE YOU INSANE? And ruin this face? 'Timber Maniacs' called me 'The James Dean of the Video Game character set', and that's with the scar! Do you think I'll play with more fire and ruin my chances for more roles?"

"I can see your point."

"I know. I just don't want to end up like my dad did. Shilling various snack foods, getting beaten up by various Super Famicom characters just so that my kid would have food to eat, putting on masks and claiming to be a generic wrestler just so my kid wouldn't have an imagination Christmas that year...."

I see. Well, that about wraps it up. We'll see you in our next interview. I'm Alan Smithee, and with me is, oh yeah. What IS your real name?

"Does it even matter?"

Um, "Guy who Played Squall Leonhart." We now bring you back to your next program.