The Daddy Test
Chapter 1
"I want to have a baby."
You know that moment in life when everything's perfect? When you have a hot girlfriend who's also the leader of a whole freaking island and who you have lots of totally hot sex with? You know that moment right? Yeah, it can be completely ruined with that one sentence.
"Say what?"
"You heard me." Max looked up at him. "I want to have a baby."
He looked down at her before back up at the ceiling of their treehouse. "Is this about Iggy?"
"…If Ella gets to be a mother, why can't I be one?"
"You are one. You've raised tons of kids."
"Not really."
"Yes, really."
"Not my own children. Not our children."
Fang blinked. "Babe, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not really the father type."
"I don't care. Learn. Take lessons." She kissed his chest. "I want a baby."
"We're only…how old are we?"
"Twenty-five, probably."
"Right. And that's a horrible age to have children. Twenty-five year olds are self-centered and irresponsible."
"Then when do you want children?"
"Mmmm…fifty sound good to you?"
"Fang-"
"Max, I'm no good at that sort of stuff. I mean, God, I haven't even held Iggy and Ella's baby yet because I'm afraid I'll drop it." He shook his head. "It's hopeless. Really."
"I want a baby."
"Well, I don't."
"You're going to give me a baby, Fang or else-"
"Or else what?" He sat up then, looking slightly bemused. "You'll have a baby with another man?"
"Exactly." She moved to sit up too, going to pick up her bra from the floor and slip it back on. It was the middle of the day after all; she had to get back out there to oversee her island. Besides, their afternoon delight was turning into a nightmare. It was time to get out while she was still ahead.
"Exactly what?"
"Dylan will make an excellent-"
"Nice try, Max. Old rivals, right?" Fang snorted. "You know that Dylan's with that blonde chick now."
"I'm his one true love, Fang," she told him simply as she moved to slip on her t-shirt. "If I tell him to fuck me, he'll fuck me. If I tell him to knock me up, he'll knock me up. If I tell him to kill you, he'll kill you. And right now, I'm going to go ask him to do all three. So rest up, dear. You're in for the fight of your- Hey!"
Fang had tackled her back to the ground of their treehouse, rubbing his still exposed self against her. "Dylan can't fuck you. Dylan couldn't fuck a paper bag. He's just a kid."
"Get off me!"
"Roll over for me, baby, and I'll show you what fucking means."
"Knock it off."
"Then don't test me." Fang shifted off her, sighing as she quickly moved to get dressed. "You're mine, Max. You know you could never be with someone else."
"Well, you need to get your crap together, Fang," she told him simply as she then began running her fingers through her hair in a lame attempt to fix it. "Because I don't just want a kid. I want multiple kids."
He groaned. "Max-"
"It's not like it's the first time that we've talked about this, Fang," she told him.
"Yeah, but when we talked about it before, it was all hypothetical. There was no fear of you wanting to start poking holes in the condoms to trick me!"
"I would never trick you. You should want to have a baby with me."
"I just…" He let out a long sigh as he looked to the side. "I've tried, Max, taking care of the younger kids. You've seen me try. I don't like…nasty. I don't like spit, I don't like poop, I don't like boogers. I don't like that stuff. If we could have a kid, send him off for his formative years, and have him come back later, that'd be cool. But a baby? A serious baby? That's not me. I'm sorry."
She just stood then, slipping on her jeans before heading to the entrance to their treehouse. "You better make it you, Fang, because that's a do or die in this relationship. If you don't' want kids, then you don't want me."
"Max-"
"I have to get back to work. See you tonight for dinner."
He just laid there for a long time after she left, spread eagle on their treehouse floor. Their treehouse. Fang had build it for her from the remnants of the old ones that had been there when they first got to the island. Because he loved her. He loved Max so much at times that it hurt. And there she was, weighing their whole relationship on whether or not they'll have children? Screw that!
"I'm the whole fucking package," he mumbled as he ran a hand down his bare chest.
And he was. The whole package that is. Fang was freaking awesome. A lot of the guys had let themselves go around the island, but not Fang. He exercised rigorously all for Max. Just for Max. Because he loved Max. He wanted to still turn her on. Still keep things between them fresh. You'd think she'd want to do the same thing.
"A baby would kill it," he whispered.
And it would. A baby would absolutely kill every good thing about their relationship. If they had a baby, where would it sleep? In the treehouse with them. How could Fang ever screw Max if their baby was right there, sleeping? He'd have to build another room into the treehouse. Did Max not realize the work that would take? The time? And all that for what? Another whiny, snot nosed brat? No way. Fang had enough to worry about. Like Gazzy. And Nudge. Not to mention Ange. What if Angel-
"Shit." Fang shot up then, rushing to dress himself. "Angel."
He had promised Angel that he'd eat lunch with her. And he had planned to. Honest. It was just…Max came into the treehouse all horny and stuff…it wasn't like he could turn her down…
"Late," was the first words out of Angel's mouth as she saw him running down the beach towards her. "Too late."
He frowned as he got to her. "You didn't wait for me?"
"We were supposed to meet an hour ago, Fang," the seventeen-year-old girl told him. Fang just stared down at the fruit cores on the ground in front of her. "I did save you an apple though."
"But-"
She handed it off to him. "See you later. Remember to put the cores in the compost pile, huh?"
He made a face as Angel skipped off down the beach, towards a group of young girls. The whole reason he had wanted to eat lunch with Angel was so that he could talk to her about her…boyfriend. If there was anything that disgusted him more than having a baby, it was the poop the baby would produce. Right behind that though was Angel dating. Yuck.
"Hi, Fang."
He frowned as sometime later Nudge passed him, stopping and taking notice of him sitting alone eating an apple on the beach. Grunting, he didn't even look at her.
"Wow, you were really hungry," she commented, looking down at the cores that Angel had left on the ground. Still, Fang didn't say anything, figuring it didn't matter much. He just wanted Nudge to go away.
"What's wrong with you?" Nudge asked, picking up on his downcast mood. "Fang?"
He let out a long breath before staring up at her. "Max wants a baby."
She blinked. "Oh. Congrats, I guess."
"No, not congrats. I don't want a baby," he told hr. "I would be a horrible father.'
"Ain't that the truth."
"Hey-"
"Well, you would. You're self-centered, work way too much, and are practically anti-social."
"…I don't work that much."
"It's not that you're cursed with being a bad father, Fang," Nudge told him then, smiling slightly. "You just need a little, you know, practice."
"I've tried taking care of children, babies. I don't like them."
"Then you'll have to learn to like them," she said simply.
"And how exactly will I do that?"
She shrugged. "Well, for starters, you could help Ella and Iggy take care of Jason."
"Ew. I tried that. I held him. You know what he did? Pooped. It was sickening."
"You pooped when you were a kid, you know."
"Yeah, but I didn't have to change myself."
Nudge rolled her eyes. "That's where I was going now, to go see Ella. Did you want to go?"
He thought for a moment. "I kinda needed to work in the labs some-"
"Seriously, Fang?"
Sighing, he stood up slowly. "Fine. But I'm going to have to get rid of these apple cores first."
"If you weren't such a pig-"
"I'm not a pig."
"You totally are."
Grunting, he started to gather them up. "So what? I'm going to go hold the baby or whatever?"
"At first. Then, maybe, you can keep him for an hour or two. Feed him, change him-"
"No. Ew. Disgusting."
"Baby steps, Fang. Baby steps." Then Nudge giggled causing him to frown.
"What?"
"Get it? Baby steps? We're talking about you taking care of a baby. Get it?"
Sighing, he started to head off towards the compost pile, shaking his head. "Couldn't we just, you know, make Max realize that she doesn't want a baby and is just jealous of the fact that her sister has one?"
"Fang, when a woman wants a baby, she wants a baby. You can't fight it." Nudge followed along behind him. "You just need, you know, a test."
"A test?"
"A baby test."
"What do you mean?"
"I'll have you take care of a baby, you know. Jason mostly. I'll test you on things. Like your ability not to gag when he poops or vomits, how you hold his bottle and cradle him. How good of a daddy you are. It'll be a, uh, daddy test."
He just blinked. "I dunno. I still like making Max realize baby's suck."
Nudge shook her head. "Whatever. If you're not up for the challenge-"
"I didn't say that."
"I mean, Iggy did it. He's a father now. It's kinda funny, seeing as you're the one that's in the better relationship, right?"
"Duh."
"Guess Iggy's just better at being a father than you," Nudge went on. She now had her mind set on making operation: Daddy Test a go, if only because she had so little to do those days. Other than, like, work. Bleh. "Stronger and shit-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa-"
"He is, Fang. He doesn't gag when the baby poops."
"I can hold down my gag reflex," Fang insisted. "I totally can."
"If you say so. I won't believe it though, until I, you know, see it."
"Fine," Fang said as they continued down the beach. "I'll hold the freaking baby or whatever. Change his diaper and stuff."
"Great." Nudge tried to hold down her happiness. Mission: Daddy Test was on. It was totally on.
Bleh. I wanted to write Maximum Ride today, but had nothing to write. I had written this up a month or so ago and figured it could do as a short 10 chapter replacement to Spy Games. Until I start a serious Maximum Ride story again. Which I totally want. Really.
