How To Survive – Being a Football Mascot

Of all the humiliating and downright embarrassing jobs that employ humanity, being a mascot for the NRL team, the Roosters – currently last on the points board – must be one of the worst. This job comes a startling close second behind being a toilet cleaner for some run-down fast-food shop.

There are a few steps to becoming "successful" in this field of employment. It's inevitable that you start at the bottom of the football ladder, with the team coming last, unless of course in tryouts you execute the perfect combination of bribery and blackmail, the latter being carefully researched for an extended time period of two minutes prior.

Once obtaining the position as the most well-known member of the football team (after team members, coach, manager and water-boys) you must command the attention and respect (respect being slightly harder to achieve) of everyone in the stadium ASAP. To do this, perform an impromptu dance of the style of your choosing, ballet being noted as especially effective. However, you could go proceed on something more out of the ordinary, something consisting of flaming batons, life threatening tricks and deliberately lighting you tail on fire.

With the attention and support of the crowd, the music you choose will blast through the speakers, effectively deafening anyone within a three-hundred metre radius. The music you choose should have at least some sort of resemblance or symbolic meaning representing your animal theme. One such example is the famed song "5, 6, 7, 8" a favourite for the Cowboy's mascot, with it's ever so useful feature of re-enforcing the importance of counting between five and eight.

As you are a Rooster's mascot, you'll need something more befitting your team's symbol. It is suggested that the "chicken dance" works nicely as the bouncy upbeat and all-round annoying repetitious song that makes all persons from age 8 and up, feel like bashing the object causing the noise.

Thus the reason for barriers.

The costume is another main feature of a mascot's job, with the unattractive odorous suit doing nothing for one's self-esteem. The first thing you should do once obtaining this, is to fit it with the latest bullet-proof, fire-proof, heat resistant and (if available) water-proof vest, hand guns with inbuilt radio stitched into the lining, pepper spray, and your choice of either a rifle, machine gun or missile, whichever you find easiest to strap onto your calf. It's also advisable not to go too overboard, as metal detectors are frequently placed in the entrances of the football field, due to the recent problems with terrorists gaining access by dressing up as cheerleaders.

However, the problem with the designed costume of the Roosters is that no-one will take you seriously, so the afore mentioned safety devices installed into your costume are for personal safety only. It is not to be used as retaliation on defenseless kids, who have already exhausted all their ammo (that is, any garbage contained in the stadium) by aiming for your oversized target for a head.

Please note that before applying for the job, no experience is required, however, people who have a low self-esteem and a history of being bullied at school are generally preferred.

2 of 2By Kimberley Lund