The ice was peaceful, quiet, tranquil. Thoughts that turned calmed water into raging storms couldn't get me here. My mind always reflected that of a calm lake, there was not a single ripple on the water's surface to break the perfection and distort the moonlight's reflection. I could let my mind wander freely, never having to be afraid of where I may find myself later. The ice protected me like a loving mother would their child. But, for some reason tonight it was as if that child had turned into a rambunctious defiant teen who had escaped their mother's protective embrace. The nurturing presence was no longer here.


My bed was a mess as I continued to toss and turn. My over-thinking tendencies had thrown my mind through a loop. My own body wouldn't allow me to simply close my eyes and ease into a peaceful sleep. Instead, it seemed persistent in reminding me of my constant shortcomings. My failures and disappointments. My dreams that simply remained as dreams instead of becoming reality.

Frustration reared its ugly head as I threw the blankets off my body. I quickly got changed into workout clothes and packed my backpack. No care was given as I threw in things I thought I might need. Spare set of clothes, towel, water bottle, and of course, my skates. All of that seemed about right. I didn't bother to check the time as I tiptoed out of my room. After all, Victor sleeps in the room right beside mine. Waking him up and having to answer his questions was the last thing I wanted to do.

So I left the house and ran. Tightly grasping the key that was in my hand. Yuuko had given me the spare key a few weeks prior to the Grand Prix Final. 'If you ever need to come here, and we're closed you know' she had smiled. The Nishigori family really was too kind to me. The cool crisp night air felt refreshing against my face as it caught my hair making my raven locks flutter backwards. Hasetsu was like a ghost town. No one was awake making my shadow my only friend. The run didn't last long as I began to fumble with the key before coming to a complete stop to successfully unlock the front door. Stepping inside felt nostalgic. For so many years I would come here to retreat from reality for awhile and lose myself in my passion for skating. With years of experience, I laced my skates before walking up to the ice rink and resting my backpack against the barrier. Stepping onto the ice made a sense of calm wash over me as I lazily closed my eyes and pushed off. I took a single shaky breath as I imagined the music playing in my head and started to perform the step sequence from On love: Eros. I didn't apply the effort I would have normally in daily practices so instead slowly made my way around the rink. I wanted to elude the thoughts that wanted to take over back at home yet I could still feel them trying to force their way back with each step I executed. Force them out, that's what I had to do. So I forced my skates to pick up speed as I prepared to perform a quadruple flip. As both the blades left the ice, I gasped and my eyes opened wide when my mind became plagued with the thoughts that could never before reach me here.

Victor left the ice and by doing so killed his career as a competitive figure skater all for nought.

"We'll get married once he wins a gold medal'… that's what you had said in front of our friends and fellow competitors. You said it with such confidence yet I failed you yet again. How is it that a skater who has won gold at the Grand Prix Finals 5 years in a row managed to have such a failure of a student who couldn't achieve the same rank?

Coach Celestino was another figure skating legend that was recognized worldwide and was viewed as one of the top figure skating coaches out there. How many years had I spent under his tutelage in Detroit just to flub every jump and end up in 6th place in my first year competing in the Grand Prix?

I wasn't even cut out for ballet so instead found myself skating with a boost of encouragement from Minako-Sensei.

If I wasn't failing my friends I was failing my teachers. If I wasn't failing my teachers I was failing my family. If I wasn't failing my family I was failing my coach. And if I wasn't failing my coach I was failing myself. It just a vicious cycle that never ends.

Once again, I've managed to fail everyone.

It didn't even register in my brain that I had hit the ice straight away. The dull ache in my right ankle made me aware of my situation. With a crazed mental state, I must have failed the jump and landed wrong. Not surprising really. It sounded exactly like something I would do so I couldn't say it came as a shock. But even when I could feel the rigid cold of the ice seeping through my clothes, I couldn't bring myself to move. I just remained sprawled out on the ice as my cheek began to go numb and I closed my eyes. Every breath I took I could feel as it bounced off the cool ice and brushed against my skin. I wasn't hurt, yet my own thoughts kept me anchored down.

I could hear someone else step onto the ice and rush over to me. Why was anyone else even here? It was still dark out so it wasn't like the rink was being opened to the public. But still, I couldn't bring myself to care or look who it was.

A warm hand I had grown accustomed to over the best part of a year settle on my shoulder.

"Yuri…" it was a breathless whisper but it shattered the silence that had settled over the ice.

"What are you doing here Victor?" the question left my mouth before I could think anything else. He should have been in bed sleeping like the rest of Japan. Not here at some ungodly hour of the morning.

"I heard you packing your bag and followed you here. I know you fail your jumps in practice when there's something on your mind but it's not like you to fail them when you are here alone trying to calm yourself down"

"How… how do you know about that?"

"I followed you here when I first became your coach. Yuuko and Takeshi took the time to tell me"

Made sense I guess. Those two had grown up on the ice with me and both worked here. It was inevitable that the day would come where they would tell Victor all my 'on the ice' quirks. I sighed and picked myself up as I headed away from the centre of the rink.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

I didn't even answer his question as I continued to distance myself from Victor and stepped off the ice. I grabbed my backpack and quickly headed for a bench so I could remove my skates. Such a simple task as undoing laces even seemed impossible as my mind went off on yet another tangent.

Why can't I just accept the fact that I'm a terrible figure skater?

The isn't my home anymore so I should just retire and put my degree to good use. Even that shows I'm a failure, it took me an extra year to get and yet I'm sitting here wasting all the effort I applied. I'm just a dime a dozen figure skater, if I stepped down someone would easily take my place and I would be forgotten. That way Victor can return to Russia. Then the world can't say I stole him from the sport and destroyed his chances of ever returning to the ice.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt the same hand being placed on my shoulder yet again. I stared down at my hands only to see I had stopped, having made no progress in removing my skates. How pathetic. I refused to look up into Victor's concerned blue eyes so instead hooked my fingers under my laces to get my skates off faster. Once my feet were free, I turned my body to place my skates in my bag and grab my sneakers. I coldly brushed Victor off as I stood without saying a word, stood without even looking at him and forced the key into his hands. It was his problem to lock up; he shouldn't even be here so why should I deal with it? I pushed the glass doors open and shivered at the cold breeze. It was colder than I remembered it to be when I left home. But none the less, my feet began to move on their own and carried me home along the familiar streets of Hasetsu.

For the first time in my life, the damaging thoughts that had led me to the rink and danced alongside me on the ice left the ice castle with me instead of being forgotten. Instead of being washed away by the gentle waves of the ocean to far away lands where they could never again hurt me. For the first time in my life, the ice has failed me just like I have failed everyone else.


Time became relative. I didn't remember arriving home yet I was sitting on my bed slouched over in the impenetrable darkness. My mind still abuzz with thoughts that refused to leave. My hands were knotted into my hair trying to rip out the demon running wild in my head. I wanted to scream. Cry until there was nothing left but dry sobs. Swear like a sailor and curse everything in creation.

But I couldn't, I couldn't do any of those things. To do so would wake up my family and earn unwanted attention. My pain was silent and only in my head. It wasn't like I was being bullied at school so Mari would let her fists fly and Mum would make me a special pork cutlet bowl. I miss the days where my problems were so small and trivial. The types of which I could look back on now and laugh. My own mind is my worst enemy. My own thoughts keep me locked up in a cage and stop me from succeeding. I hate it.

The first sob finally left my mouth when I got changed into my pyjamas. Except this time I didn't put on my pants. Instead, I left them in a pile on the floor and only had my boxers. Even though they were short, I rolled the legs up so they were flush against my hip and I crumbled like a piece of burning paper to the floor.

Tears finally began to fall when I broke an old promise I made to myself.


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