Jail is not a good place for beautiful people. The toilets are icky, the food is substandard, and everyone wants to give me a hug, for some reason.
Do I look sad or something? It seems like every time I turn a corner, someone is trying to grope me. Good thing I'm a fabulous dancer, or else those mutts' filthy hands would give me the uglies (it is a disease! Kujaliciousness, on the other hand, is a genetic trait that dies with me.) My remarkable reflexes give me the ability to evade and avoid most any attack launched at me.
The only exception would be my roommate. When I walk into the room, he's always right there, glomping me. He usually says things, too, but I can't hear anything over my awesomeness. I can't even really remember what he looks like, either. I think he wears red leather, though. And I think he eats apples. (That's the only way to explain the cores in the trash, I prefer pears to apples…they're more shapely)
His hugs last too long, too. And he pets my hair, which, while being annoying, cannot actually mess it up, because I use magic shampoo. Also, I know I'm hot, but that doesn't mean I want to take off my shirt. It's at this point I usually kick him in the balls.
He's a really creepy person. I woke up in the night one time, and he was sitting next to my bed, looking at me. But I guess I shouldn't begrudge anyone the vision of my beautiful countenance, and since he obviously didn't see that I was awake, I just went back to sleep.
The only time my roommate was ever really useful was that one time in the courtyard, when those big guys surrounded me. Again, they were saying something, but I guess my awesomeness is just turned up too high to hear anyone. Anyway, the guys were closing in on me, and I was about to level the entire jail with an 'Ultima' spell, when he came out and pushed me away from the group.
At least I think he did…I walked back to my room the moment I was un-circled. Later, when he came back to the room, he was all bruised and stuff. He barely walked the next few days, aside from getting water and food. I'm glad I'm too awesome to hear him whine. He was probably complaining 24/7 about his ass.
Oh well, maybe he'll die and I won't have to put up with this any longer. The showers here are murder…literally.
A/N I don't own Final Fantasy…
Reviews are of high enough awesomeness for Kuja to hear. That's saying something.
In case you couldn't figure it out, Kuja's roommate is…nah, I'll just give cookies and apple cider to whomever guesses correctly. Not a big secret, it's just Kuja can't be bothered with the details. He is from Final Fantasy, though.
Huh…a Final Fantasy jail…what an interesting concept. Who were the guys who were gonna gang-rape Kuja, I wonder? Prolly Seifer and Sephiroth…
