A/N - From a Ficcy Friday prompt on M/M.
XXX
Jeff and Annie's Unconventional Sitcom Wedding
"Relax, I'll take care of everything." is what Jeff said to Annie that morning. After months and months of her violently planning every last detail to the point of perfection, Jeff was going to make sure that nothing could possible happen to ruin this day for her. This was her day. Of course, in the midst of assuring her that he would take care of everything, Jeff forgot one minor detail, the rest of the study group existed. This alone was confirmation that everything would go wrong. But Jeff didn't know it that morning.
The wedding was being held in the gigantic garden of Pierce's mansion, and then the reception would be in Pierce's over-sized dining hall. The morning started out fine. Annie was busy in one of the many bedrooms in Pierce's mansion, with Shirley, getting her hair done. Jeff was outside waiting for Abed and Britta to arrive with his clothes for the wedding. Abed was supposed to pick them up from the dry-cleaners days before, but he was too busy, since Annie had made him her party planner. Her logic was that if he could direct a movie, than why shouldn't he be able to direct a wedding. Jeff agreed with her despite the doubt that was dancing in the back of his mind. It's not that he didn't think Abed was capable, it was just that Abed happened to like doing things his own way, sometimes that could be problematic.
But it wasn't Abed that he was worried about when they got there. It was Britta. More like Britta's clothes.
"What are you wearing?" Jeff asked. Britta looked down at her clothes. She was wearing an over-sized men's T-shirt with Beavis and Butt-head on it, jeans and her usual leather jacket.
"What?" She asked.
"You're very casual" Jeff pointed out.
"So?"
"So, it's a wedding, Britta. Couldn't you have put on a nice dress or something?"
Britta shrugged. "I don't believe in marriage, I'm not gonna encourage it more by wearing a dress. That would be kind of hypocritical of me, Jeff."
Jeff rolled his eyes. Of course, she'd do this. This was classic Britta, but did she have to be Britta on his wedding day? "You could have worn something a little nicer though, don't you think?"
"What's wrong with this?" She asked, slightly insulted.
"Gee, I don't know, maybe it's the two heavy-metal fans on your shirt" Jeff said.
"But, I love Beavis and Butt-head" Britta whined.
Jeff decided to just leave her. He'd figure out Britta's wardrobe malfunction later, right now, he still had to make sure the caterer's had the right menu, and check the cake, (because Troy was somewhere in the same building as wedding cake, and that wasn't a good combination). He sent Britta off to see Annie, and told Abed to leave his clothes in the bathroom he was using before, heading to the kitchen.
XXX
Shirley sneezed, for the seventh time in the last twenty minutes. Normally this wouldn't bother Annie but today she was extra jumpy. She'd left Jeff in charge. Jeff Winger. Sure, she loved him, and trusted him, but this wedding was her masterpiece. She'd never organized anything as well as she'd organized this wedding, to her it was a work of art. She couldn't stay relaxed whilst knowing that Jeff was in charge of her masterpiece. Granted he had Abed, but it's not like Abed could control the entire outcome of a wedding.
Shirley sneezed again. Annie snapped. "Shirley for the love of God take something for your cold!" She squealed so quickly that it amazed her that Shirley understood.
"I don't have a gold" Shirley said. She obviously had her nose blocked from the sound of things, and the little sniff she did after she spoke wasn't very reassuring. There was also the violent fit of coughs she went through every half hour.
"Shirley, you can't even say the word cold. Please, just take something" Annie begged. Shirley shook her head.
"I'm not sigg Annie, I don't need-" But before Shirley could finish, her violent coughs found her again. Annie would have said something more but Britta walked in, not in the dress Annie had picked out. Why wasn't she wearing the dress? Was she trying to ruin Annie's life?
"Hey, happy wedding day!" Britta said hugging Annie, who was still staring wide-eyed at the ugly cartoon on her shirt.
"What is that?" Was all Annie could muster.
"Beavis and Butt-head" Britta said with a grin.
"Who?"
"Oh you're not that younk!" Shirley snapped, holding a tissue up to her nose.
"Britta, where's your dress?"
"I don't wear uniform for something I don't believe in. That's like wearing a Harry Potter cloak in the real world" Britta said.
"Harry Potter could be real" Annie said.
"Ugh, that would suck. I hate Harry Potter" Britta said taking a seat beside Annie.
"Of course, you would."
"Buzzgill" Shirley muttered. Britta frowned at them as Atalay, the hairstylist, walked in.
"Hair doing time" He said with a thick German accent. "Ready?"
"Yes, please Atalay" Annie said, smiling at him from the mirror.
XXX
"What the hell?"
"What's the problem Mr Winger?" The head caterer asked.
"You're making pork chops!" Jeff exclaimed.
"Yes, it's what we were told to make" Head caterer said.
"You can't make pork, half the people here are Jewish. The bride is Jewish! She couldn't have told you to make this."
"Oh, Ms Edison didn't ask us to make this. We got a call from her party planner telling us there was a change of plan. He had some crazy Palestinian name."
"Abed Nadir?"
"That's the one."
Jeff sighed angrily. Abed was up to something. But why did it have to be today? He could have any day of the year to ruin a party, he was in a group of seven friends. That was seven birthday parties he could ruin. Of all the parties in a year, why did it have to be their wedding?
"You have to make something else" Jeff told the head caterer.
"We can't, we only brought supplies for this, it's already half ready. Unless there are some other supplies in this house, there's nothing we can do Mr Winger."
Jeff doubted that Pierce had anything in his house work consuming except for some aging whiskey. "Okay, I'll go see what I can do about the ingredients. Just don't make anymore food until I get back" Jeff said as he stormed out of the kitchen. He needed to find Abed, and quick, before any of this got back to Annie.
He checked the bedroom where he'd sent Abed last, but of course, there was no Abed. He didn't want to bother looking for Abed in Pierce's massive house, that was like an impossible game of Where's Waldo. There was only one way to find Abed, and that was to find Troy. And Troy wasn't in the kitchen when Jeff went in there, which meant he was probably staring lustfully at the wedding cake. And the wedding cake was in the kitchen of Pierce's guesthouse. Jeff went out to the garden which was decorated by about a hundred chairs. Some family were already sitting, waiting for the wedding to start. It was mostly grandparents. And then, something horrible caught his eye. His mom was sitting in the front row giggling like a schoolgirl, at something Pierce said.
"What the hell?" Jeff exclaimed, power walking to them.
"Jeffrey, why didn't you tell me you were spawned from Aphrodite?" Pierce asked with a grin. Margaret Winger giggled. Jeff felt a stress headache beginning to form.
"Oh Pierce, stop it, you're embarrassing me" Margaret said, playfully hitting Pierce on the shoulder.
"Yeah Pierce, stop it!" Jeff said, through gritted teeth.
"Well how could anyone ever stop complimenting her, she's absolutely radiant. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was the one getting married today" Pierce said. Margaret blushed. Jeff's hands curled into fists.
"Pierce, can I talk to you?" Jeff forced a smile so his mother wouldn't know anything was wrong.
"Can it wait?"
"No!" Jeff exclaimed, even though Pierce had barely gotten the words out. Pierce begrudgingly got up and walked away with Jeff.
"Can we make this quick, you're totally cock-blocking me" Pierce said, with annoyance.
"That's the point, Pierce."
Pierce's eyebrows met. "I thought we were wingmen, why would you do this to me?" Jeff had to give it to him, he did look a little hurt.
"Um, I don't know, maybe because she's my mom!" Jeff said.
"Yeah, MILF!" Pierce said with a grin. Jeff stared at him for several seconds, and then slapped him across the face. Pierce held his cheek and blinked with shock. "You just slapped me!" He said with outrage.
"You deserved it" Jeff retorted.
Pierce shook his head with disapproval. "Margaret did not raise you to be a bully, Jeffrey."
Jeff got ready to slap him again, but was interrupted by some one tapping his shoulder. He turned to see the photographer standing behind him with a ripped shirt and a busted lip.
"What the hell?" Turns out Jeff was saying that a lot, lately.
"I'm sorry Mr Winger, but I'm afraid I have to quit."
"What? Why?" Jeff was starting to panic now. Why was the world doing this to him?
"Well, a friend of my enemy is technically also my enemy. And you've made some very unfortunate friends Mr Winger."
"You don't say" Jeff muttered. "Was it Abed?"
"Who? No, it was T-Bone" He whispered the name with disdain, and then walked away.
"Where's Troy?" Jeff asked Pierce.
"Last I saw him, he was by the wedding cake" Pierce said. Of course he was.
"Okay, wait here" Jeff told him as he began to the guesthouse. "And stay away from my mom!"
XXX
"Fertig" Atalay said, and then he clapped his hands together at what he thought was a masterpiece. Britta and Shirley started at Annie's hair with open mouths.
"Well, what do you guys think?" Annie squeaked.
"It's beautiful" Atalay said. Annie turned to look at Britta for confirmation. Britta forced a smile on her face and nodded slowly.
"It's something alright" She said.
"Shirley?"
"Id's nice" Shirley told her with a little too much emphasis on the word nice.
Annie's hair was piled up on the top of her head in massive dark curls. They were so high, they looked like a poodle was sitting on her head. It was probably the most horrible hairstyle Shirley and Britta had ever seen. "You guys really think it looks good?" Annie asked, her voice dripping with insecurity.
"Of course!" Atalay said before Shirley and Britta could tell her the harsh truth. "It's fabulous!"
Instead of telling Annie the truth, and insulting Atalay in the process, Shirley and Britta just plastered fake smiles on their faces and tried to be as convincing as possible.
"Who will be next?" Atalay asked. Britta and Shirley both shook their heads.
"I'm not doing my hair" Britta said, apologetically.
"I have..." Shirley trailed off trying to think of something to say. "Lice! I have lice." Everyone's expression changed to one of disgust.
"Okay, then I am finished, I guess" Atalay said. He gave Annie a half-hug, and left. Annie was still staring at her hair in the mirror. She tried to imagine herself years from now, looking at her wedding photos. Seeing Britta in her stupid Butt-face and Beef-head shirt. She saw herself standing at the alter with Jeff. He was looking handsome, of course, in some expensive tux that had taken him weeks to pick because he was so fussy about his looks. And then she saw herself beside him, with something that resembled a dog, on her head. She wasn't sure what to make of that. It wasn't exactly what she pictured herself looking like at her wedding, and it seemed stupid to be freaking out over this, she was getting married today. She should be ecstatic, but all she could think of was the awful thing on her head. Shirley and Britta seemed to like it, so it couldn't possibly be that bad. Right?
XXX
"What the hell happened between you and the photographer?" Jeff asked Troy when he finally found him. He was in the guesthouse, sitting on a half broken chair, with a bloody nose and black eye, and his tux completely torn apart.
"I can't believe you hired D-Dog to be your photographer, I thought we were friends Jeff."
"I don't think we're talking about the same guy" Jeff said, in confusion.
"Donald Dennis, he went to football camp with me when we were kids. He was the only kid who was as good as me, so we became rivals, I can't stand that guy! He's a douche-bag" Troy explained.
"Well, I hate to sound like I don't care about your problems, but I'm supposed to be getting ready for my wedding right now only I have to find some kosher food" Jeff said. Troy opened his mouth to reply but Jeff continued. "And I have to keep Pierce away from my mom." Troy tried to speak again. "And, thanks to you, I also need to find a new photographer."
"Why don't you just ask Abed. He knows camera stuff" Troy said.
"Because I think Abed's conspiring against me."
Troy shrugged and wiped some blood off his shirt. He laughed to himself a little.
"What?" Jeff asked.
"Annie's gonna kill you" Troy said still smiling to himself.
Troy was right, she probably would kill him. And then Shirley and Britta would kill him for making Annie so upset. And her parents would kill him for ruining her wedding day. And then she'd never marry him, and he'd live sad and alone with some creepy chameleon called Maurice, in the house all the kids would play Ding Dong Ditch on, and egg on Hallowe'en. He really needed to find Abed before his life was destroyed.
"Troy, where's Abed?" Jeff asked with the most urgency he'd ever used before.
"You know, for once, I don't know." Troy's eyes were wide in amazement at the amount of time he'd spent away from his other half. "Oh no, what if he's dead?" He began to panic.
"I don't know, but if he's not I could probably arrange something" Jeff mumbled to himself as he walked away, on his quest for Abed.
"If you find him, tell him not to go into the light!" Troy called out with complete seriousness.
XXX
Annie paced around the bedroom. Britta got peckish so she'd gone to sneak some food from the kitchen and Shirley was in the bathroom so she could be beside the toilet paper, since they'd run out of Kleenex. Annie had already finished her make up, and decided not to look in the mirror so she could avoid looking at her hair. She was growing deeply nervous. Here she was freaking out about her looks, while Jeff was probably out there running her perfect wedding. She wanted to be out there with him. She really liked running things. Plus, she really wanted to see Jeff. She wanted him to tell her her hair looked beautiful, and then hug her and kiss her, and tell her this would be the best wedding ever. Damn, she missed Jeff. She started looking through Shirley's purse, so she could use her phone to call him and ask him how his day was going, but her grandmother walked in. She was followed by a young man, who didn't look more than two years older than Annie. He had dark hair and was wearing a Jewish cap on his head.
"Grandma, what are you doing here?"
"I came to see how you were doing Kitten, you look beautiful" Grandma said with a smile. Annie felt less assured that her hair was fine. Grandma had very questionable taste. One Christmas she got Annie a hideous lime green coloured pair of shorts. First of all, shorts? And second, lime green?
"And who's this?" Annie asked politely, at the guy behind Grandma. He smiled shyly at Annie.
"Annie, this is Salomon, he's a very nice boy from our synagogue, but I don't think you've met." Annie rolled her eyes. Only Grandma would have the nerve to do this on her wedding day.
"It's nice to meet you, Salomon" Annie said politely, shaking his hand.
"He's very handsome, isn't he Kitten?" Grandma said with a wink.
"Not as handsome as Jeff" Annie said with a smirk, before adding, "No offense."
"None taken."
"Well you know, Salomon here's a doctor. He saves lives, does Jeff save lives?" Grandma asked, trying to make it sound like an innocent question rather than an undermining one.
"No, he just defends drunk drivers from going to jail. Oh my goodness, what am I marrying into?" Annie said sarcastically, while glaring at Grandma. She gave Salomon another polite smile.
"Well, you know it's not too late to back out?" Grandma said, not catching on.
"Do you want to be here?" Annie asked Salomon. He shook his head. "Then go" She told him. He walked away quickly. "Grandma, I'm marrying Jeff" Annie said.
"Why can't you marry a nice Jewish boy?" Grandma moaned, like some spoiled child not getting her way.
"Because, I'm perfectly happy with my Agnostic one!"
"Do you really want your kids to grow up with a father who doesn't believe in anything?"
"If that father is Jeff than yes, I do." Grandma frowned at Annie, who frowned back.
"It's just, he's so wrong for you" Grandma said.
"Really? 'Cos you're the only person who thinks so" Annie replied. "Jeff loves me, and I love him, and the thought of not being with him for the rest of my life makes me want to cry. Do you really want me to spend the rest of my life crying, or do you want me to be happy with my non-Jewish husband who loves me just as much as you do?"
Grandma looked at the floor. "I guess I want you to be happy" She mumbled.
Annie smiled. "Thanks Grandma."
"But you have to promise me you won't let him corrupt your children's minds with his silly 'believe it when I see it crap'."
"I promise."
Grandma smiled and hugged her granddaughter. "I'm so proud of you, Kitten."
XXX
The wedding was supposed to start in half an hour and Jeff was still in his normal clothes, looking for Abed. He had come to the conclusion that there was some one sabotaging his wedding and using Abed's name, or Abed just hated that he and Annie were getting married. There was no other logical reason for him to be doing the things he was doing. It turned out, as well as the pork chop debacle, Abed was the one who'd hired Donald "D-Dog" Dennis, probably knowing full well about his rivalry with Troy. He also gave the guy who was supposed to be playing guitar for them a joint, and now the guy refused to play the wedding because he thought his hands were too big. And worst of all, he'd paid Shirley's sons twenty dollars each to trample all the flowers. Jeff remembered Annie obsessing over days and days about the arrangement of those flowers. If she saw this, she'd probably go on pills again. Jeff, however, was currently taking the less harmful approach, and was letting his headache bubble up into anger towards Abed. Some party planner her was.
And being angry at Abed, didn't take away from the fear of Annie's wrath when she inevitably found out what happened. "Relax" Jeff had told her, "I'll take care of everything." How could he be such a moron? How could he possibly think he could take care of this? With their friends? Not a chance. Abed was an evil genius, who wanted to destroy this wedding. Jeff was basically a dead man.
He went to the bedroom to go get ready, he could finish hunting down Abed when he was dressed to get married. Of course, the first thing Jeff saw when he walked in was Abed sitting on the bed, waiting for him.
"There you are" Abed said with his usual aloofness. "The wedding will start soon, and traditionally it's the bride that's late, but if you really want, I think we could make it work for you." He handed Jeff a hanger with his clothes and then walked out of the room without another word. Jeff stood there for a moment, feeling a little astounded. He started to think maybe Abed did want to help, and everything else were just some crazy, twisted, Abed way of doing so. He changed his mind when he saw the colour of his dress shirt.
"Abed!" Jeff yelled as he stormed out of the bedroom shirtless. "Why is my shirt pink?"
"I didn't know your shirt was pink. It must have been washed with a red sock. Happens all the time" Abed said, unphazed by Jeff's fury.
"Really, are sure it happens all the time, or maybe you just switched them!" Jeff said pointing an accusing finger at Abed. Abed frowned.
"Why would I do that?"
"Gee, I don't know. Why would you order pork when you knew the bride's family was Jewish. Why would you hire Troy's arch nemisis, why would you pay little boys to trample our flowers?"
"You know about the flowers?"
"I know about everything, Abed!" Jeff shouted angrily. "Are you trying to ruin our wedding?"
"No, just make it fit our genre" Abed stated, simply.
"What?"
"After years of observation, I've deducted that we're a comedy. And in comedy weddings everything always goes wrong, so that the bride and groom can freak out and eventually realize that they don't care as long as they get married in the end. But Annie planned this wedding so perfectly that nothing could possibly go wrong on it's own. So I convinced her to make me her party planner, and started throwing wrenches in the works" Abed explained.
"So you've been purposely making things go wrong just so we'd fit our genre better?" Jeff repeated. Abed nodded.
"Okay, three things. One, you're an evil genius."
"Thank you."
"Two, were not a TV shoe Abed! There are no viewers watching everything go wrong right now. There's just you ruining our wedding because you're really weird!" Jeff shouted. Abed shrugged.
"And third, are you nuts! Annie'll kill you, and then she'll kill me, and when I meet you in hell, I'll kill you!"
Abed cocked his head at Jeff, something behind Jeff caught his eye, because Jeff saw him smile and wave. He turned around to see Dean Pelton standing there in a tux, with some one dressed as a dalmation on his arm. Jeff turned back to Abed.
"You invited Dean Pelton?" Abed nodded. Jeff suddenly remembered how shirtless he was, and put the pink shirt on quickly, buttoning it as the Dean walked towards them.
"Abed, nice to see you again" He said. Abed nodded back politely. "And Jeffrey, congratulations on your wedding! I wish you and Annie the happiest of marriages" The dean said, patting Jeff on the chest. His hand lingered there for a little too long, and Jeff started feeling very violated.
"Thank you, Dean Pelton" He said, glaring at Abed from the corner of his eye.
"Also, I was wondering if I was permitted to have some one paint a mural in study group room F of you and Annie. You know, since that's where it all began" the dean said with an enthusiastic smile.
"You want to paint a mural of Annie and me?" The dean nodded. Jeff sighed.
"Yeah, sure, do whatever you want" He said, and then he walked away without a second glance.
"You're not done getting dressed" Abed called out to him.
"What's the point?" Jeff called back. He turned a corner and then he was gone.
XXX
Annie stared at herself in the mirror. Shirley, Britta and her mother all stood behind her in awe. Her hair may have been the most atrocious thing that could ever be done to hair, but her dress was beautiful. It wasn't just a wedding dress, it was a work of art. Annie felt like she was wearing a magic dress, and anyone who wore it would immediately look like the most beautiful person in the universe. She felt just how she always knew she should feel on her wedding day, like a princess. And she knew at that moment, that there was absolutely nothing that could possibly ruin this feeling for her. The magic dress would keep her happy for all eternity.
"Annie, you look amazing" Britta said, breaking the awestruck silence that had been going on for the last ten minutes.
"I wish...I looged half as goot as...you on my weddink...day" Shirley said, between sniffs.
"Mom, what do you think?" Mrs Edison was in tears.
"You look so beautiful" She said, hugging her daughter. "I can't believe my little girl's getting married." She was grinning at Annie's reflection.
"Me either" Annie said, with a giddy sigh. There was a knock on the bedroom door.
"Who there?'
"Abed" Abed's voice said.
"Abed who?" Troy's voice replied, with enthusiasm. Britta opened the door.
"Hey we need to talk to..." Abed began to say, but trailed off when he saw Annie. Instead all he could muster was "Wow."
"Hot damn" Troy said.
"What do you guys think?" Annie said, self-consciously.
"I think you're like the hottest bride ever" Troy said. Abed nodded in agreement. Annie gave them a shy smile.
"Do you think Jeff will like it?"
Troy and Abed shared a look. Then, they both smiled really awkwardly and nodded.
"He'll love it" Abed said.
"How could he not?" Troy added, quickly, in an almost panicky tone. Annie beamed at them.
"So listen, we need to talk to Britta, outside" Troy said. He and Abed walked out quickly, followed by a confused Britta.
"What's up?" Britta asked.
"We have a situation" Troy said.
"What sort of situation?" Britta's eyebrows joined together, in suspicion.
"Well, to put it delicately, it seems that Jeff thought that it would be a good idea to-" Troy began, but Abed explained for him.
"Jeff's gone."
"What?" Britta exclaimed, rage took over her faster than the speed of light.
"Abed drove him crazy" Troy said. Abed rolled his eyes.
"Are you sure?"
"Abed gave me some long explanation that I didn't really listen to, which usually means he drove some one crazy" Troy said.
"We can't find him anywhere" Abed told her.
"That bastard!" Britta exclaimed. She needed to find Jeff, not so she could tell him what a douchebag he was, and not to make him come back. She needed to find him so she could beat his face to a pulp. "I can't believe he'd do that to Annie!"
"We need to find him, before the wedding starts" Abed said.
"What about Annie?" Britta asked.
"We can't tell Annie. This would destroy her" Abed told them.
"Than what do we do?"
"We split up to find Jeff, and make him marry her" Troy said.
"Like the gang did to Chandler on Friends" Abed added.
"We've already got Pierce on it. He's with Jeff's mom seeing where would be a good place to look" Troy said.
"I'm going to kill him when I find him" Britta said, and walked away on her quest for Jeff Winger head on a stick.
"I never knew homicidal threats happened so often at weddings" Abed said to Troy.
"I thought homicide was the type of stuff you find in soil."
"You're thinking of humus."
"I'm pretty sure it's homicide."
"Let's just find Jeff."
